TA Different Kind of Treasure

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Adventure
• Drama

What's the most valuable treasure in the world: Family? Money? Revenge? Love? Depends on who you ask...

• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Flitter and Cloudchaser
• Cloudchaser
• Flitter

Mechawrecker · 62k words  ·  88  4 · 1.4k views

Summary: Two sisters, Cloud and Flitter, treasure hunters, team up with a stallion named Sky and go on adventures together. They recover some artifacts and grow closer as a team in the process. Leading to some romantic/erotic tension between them, while more and more adventures awaits them. 

Actually the story is split a bit between the adventure parts outside the town and the chapters at home when they get new job offers and the story develops their characters and liking for each other. Means, we have the adventure parts outside the town with all the dangerous scenarios that fit for them and at home we have more slice of life with romance. Each part is okay for its own most of the time, but the jumps between them could be handled better sometimes. Still to see the relationship between the team evolve and how they struggle from day to day is a good overall story.

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The strength of this story is clearly its pacing and effort the author puts into it. The story is very fast forward and right into the action most of the time. Also the characters are believable and written in a good way to entertain and interact with each other. The bonds between them grow slow and drive the plot forward a bit too, which is pleasurable to read. Also the many many references and childish naughty humour does its best to make this story entertaining. And on an extra note, we have many things the author does to increase the entertainment factor by little riddles, or meta talk in the authors note. (He speaks directly with the chars in his AN)

However, what this story suffers from is the inexperience of the author. They make many beginner errors. Be it that they lose the overview of the scenes they write and forget side characters that are present or that they simply overdo it a lot in fighting scenes. (At one point one of the chars was hit by a cannonball midair and more or less just shook it off <- the author fixed that by now) Also we have a lot of 'for the plot moments' where it is obvious that the author wants something to happen or to move the plot in a certain direction. We have 'plot armour' and the typical action movie moments when somepony can do unbelievable things, but only in the moment it is needed for the plot and then isn't able to do it anymore.

In short, we have a good overall concept and set of ideas for a standart adventure story, but also a very beginner author who plasters his story with the errors that one could expect from that.

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To sum up my thought on this story, or make them understandable:
I like to read about the main characters and their relationship with each other, also about the world they are in and how they manage to survive. It is interesting and entertaining. But, the writing style of this author makes this an exhausting process sometimes which actually scares me away from reading further.

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Rating:
Entertainment factor:      5.5/10 The fast pacing boost this story at the beginning, but it lacks substance later on.
Character:                 8/10   Well written, but it takes some time till they really get depth.
Writing Style:             2/10   Many errors, some scenes are quite boring, overall sloppy later on.

15.5/30

5.2/10

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Feedback:
First of all, keep up the little things you add to fluff this story up. They are great. Also your very pushy fast forward approach on this story is an awesome fresh wind at the start. You have a worn out topic for an adventure story, but you manage to entertain with it still due to these things. 

Now, what you really need though is a pre-reader, someone who reads the scenes and reminds you if you forgot something or if a certain action or scenes is simple nonsense, even for the inner story logic. 
Also cut a bit down on the incest and therelike, childish naughty humour is fine, your readers seem to like it and so do I with how you impliment it, but stay in the limits you set. Or, if you really want this kind of things to be in your story, go more into it and use it to entertain if you think your audience is in for it.
Also, reduce the amount of for the plot moments. You can come up with more realistic events leading to the same results. It also wouldn't hurt if your characters would have to work on solutions instead of everything fits in the right moment for them by 'happenstance' all the time. If the reader knows they manage by a miracle all the time anyway, the tension goes down.
On further note, extend on the interactions of your main chars. As I read your later chapters, I was amazed by their interactions and emotional depth. That was great work that you surely can add in earlier stages as well.

7325655
Thank you so much for your feedback. I'll admit, I'm very much a novice, and this story was the first I ever wrote. These ideas and tips you gave me are going to be invaluable when writing future chapters. The bluntness and honesty stung a little, but it's better to hear that than the typical sweet talk most people give. I hope you like what I have in store.

7325660
I am glad you handle the honesty so well

Yes, feedback has to be honest to help. Still, what I said about the good things i your story is true too, you write many good stuff in your story too.