EGracefully

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Slice of Life

Rarity discovers a strand of gray hair in her mane.

• Rarity
• Main 6

Jarvy Jared · 13k words  ·  95  8 · 999 views

Author: Jarvy Jared

Introduction:

On relatively mundane morning Rarity happens to find a strand of grey hair in her mane. Facing her own mortality, Rarity steeps in the darkest parts of her own consciousness guiding herself and the reader on a journey through the self-confirming nature of perception, and the spirit’s power over the mind.

And as the journal for that journey this story undeniably and fundamentally works. If it worked in any other aspect it could be a good, or even a great story.

Alas, it sadly isn’t.

Characters:

I think in this story there are about two characters that actually matter. The rest are only there to generate static background noise, a common element in both slice of life and very introspective stories, (and this story was both) but in this rendition it crossed the line of being obnoxious. I often feel that some, especially male writers, have a tendency to make female characters talk almost exclusively about their romantic relationships, especially when they have no idea what to do with them otherwise.

Whether the reason was that or something else, I don’t know, but it was exceedingly boring. There was so much chit-chat about how Fluttershy married Discord. (Which was weird because it happened like a month or so before the story so in theory the mane six should have had plenty of opportunity to talk about it.) That alone I could have understood, because it did play a part later in the story, but I’m still not sure why was it so important to tell, how Pinkie and Cheese were starting to date. Also there was some silent theorising about how Rainbow and Aj should finally start to date, and while that strictly speaking didn’t add to the static noise factor, because it was done by Rarity, it added to my annoyance.

On the other hand, there was another pretty good minor female character who managed to be relevant even in her fairly minor role. That was Mayor Mare, whose presence definitely added to the story because she actually gave some sound perspective to the central question of the story. Coincidentally, she didn’t even touch the topic of romantic relationships. Turns out, if the characters actually talk about the plot it tends to move forward.

On the third hand the writer also proved it’s very much possible to write about romantic relationships, in way that actually provides value to the overall story, it just had to be tied into the main plot. For example, Discord didn’t talk about anything other than his wedding with Fluttershy, but because he tied it in the theme of aging, it didn’t feel burdensome.

That being said Discord was hardly a great character in my opinion. While his speech patterns were quite spot on, I felt he was forced into the wise mentor archetype, who can just explain the problems out of existence. First, I don’t think he’s all that wise, and even if he was, he would probably prefer to teach his lessons in a more active way. Letting Rarity learn almost by herself. If the writer didn’t want to make Discord just magic Rarity into the N-th dimension to teach her, (which is at this stage of Discord’s life, is the correct call in my opinion) I would have appreciated, if he had applied the Socratic method instead of directly explaining things.

The same passivity was even more egregious on the part of Rarity. From the second she found that silver strand in her mane she just went into this near catatonic stupor. She moved along with the story, and often even said sentences, but she didn’t do anything. She just stood there and reacted to everything silently. At the end, she asked for help from Discord, but even that started with a random encounter with Rainbow. To add to the randomness, Rainbow is definitely not someone with the wherewithal to actually figure out that visiting Discord is a such a great idea, so it must have been a lucky guess mostly.

Probably the only thing Rarity actually did by completely on her own volition was to see an optometrist.

The Rarity I love is a business mare, she built a fashion empire out of nothing, she is lively, she is dramatic, she lives for attention, even when she is devastated. This sort of silent suffering doesn’t suit her much.

The author’s interpretation of Rarity, had the basics, her love for aesthetics, her eye for detail, her perfectionism, and she certainly had the surface level stuff, like her speech patterns, but missed everything that made her a fully flashed out character.

It was like the author draped one of Rarities mannequin in her clothes. From afar it undeniably looks like her, but in a story that delves so deep in the psyche of a character, more nuanced strokes are needed to paint a good character. I believe the author is capable of that, because he did it with the representation of the emotions of the main character. That main character however, wasn’t really Rarity in my opinion.

4/10

Pace:

Now the pace was very interesting. First, I thought, it was uneven. But then I realised I was fundamentally wrong. It was very much even. It introduced the main conflict in the first sentence, and then proceeded to ponder over it for four chapter without any solution in sight. The pace was as flat as a dead man’s EKG. No tension, no climax, and the resolution was pretty much just willingly ignoring the original problem. Which is an okay solution in that situation, but not a satisfactory one, especially the way it was delivered

Thematically the way the solution was presented simply didn’t fit the story. There was two chapter of an intense deep ride inside the mind of Rarity and a rather honest representation of a mind going through such troubles, yet when the solution was offered, it just simply… worked. Nothing changed in Rarities character except the fact that she no longer had the problem anymore. It really cheapens the whole story.

In part it was a story into the depths of a certain kind of darkness, but I would have loved if there was a second journey from the depths she ventured into back into the light. Something that really gives a meaning to her struggles.

4/10

Theme:

Aging is a trite theme. There is hardly anything about that hasn’t been seen in the literature before, and what little that might be still out there, I’m not expecting it to find in a fimfic. That’s not necessarily a problem, I very much enjoy old stories in new settings. Especially in settings I like, but I feel there was nothing particularly MLP in this story. The fantasy aspect, apart from the couple of effectively immortal beings, was never utilised, the characters were shallow and lifeless copies of their originals, and the history and culture of the place didn’t really affect the story in any way.

At that point I was reading a story I’d read a million times which while wasn’t particularly bad, but wasn’t exactly great either. It was just really-really meh.

Whenever someone wants to use such a tired formula, they have to make extra sure there is something unique to their story. The introspective nature of the story could have been it, but I’m not going to sympathise with a character, who’s not only incapable of dealing with their problems, but doesn’t even really try. I’m gonna feel contempt, pity and maybe disgust, but not sympathy.

4/10

Overall:

Gracefully is introspective story weighed down by impassivity, a character study with uninteresting characters, a drama where the stakes turn out to be fake. There is a strong basis for a good story in there somewhere deep within, but it’s buried under a heap of bad decisions. I advise the writer to pay closer attention for the details next time, because those can really break a story.

4/10

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I'm sorry the story didn't suit your tastes, jnz. But I appreciate your criticisms, and I understand them.

I'll try to elaborate without getting too defensive.

This is a case where I'm simultaneously in agreement with a lot of the criticism but in huge disagreement with the interpretation and scoring of it. On one hand, I understand that the story could come off as barebones, but on the other hand I argue that it also isn't - that its themes of constant change must be registered on a periphery, and that the "small talk and a whole lot of nothing" is part of the genre of Slice of Life itself.

Moreover, the point about Rarity's character strikes me as interesting. In your view, she's dramatic, detail-oriented, strives for attention, and so forth. This is a valid view. But I believe it's an earlier seasons one. The current Rarity (or post-show Rarity) demonstrates a more mature outlook, a calmer and graceful (heh, sorry) demeanor. Dramatics only work as superficial characteristics when overplayed, and I didn't think such a characterization would have been helpful - at least to the intended extent.

Still, I recognize that the subdued Rarity here is different than many interpretations. I was inspired by a few fics that has her take a quieter, calmer approach to life, and I can see why that might not be up to snuff, as it were.

I don't agree with the criticism about the pace, as that seems more like a case of preference than observation. Nor do I agree with the issue of presence of MLP characteristics. I'm not sure what you mean there, nor if it can be applied to such a story. And the point about how the problem was solved seems contrived.

Here is what I mean. The whole "solution" isn't ignoring the issue. It's accepting it and coming to terms with it. Rarity doesn't "effectively ignore" the fact of her aging. She has simply acknowledged its presence and transforms it into something that she can live with. Perhaps to me, acceptance =/= ignorance thereof, and I'm really not sure why you came to that conclusion.

I acknowledge, of course, that "aging" is a tried and true theme, and I never expected to do much more with than what has already been done. I simply tried to offer a perspective - Rarity's - and work my way from there. Is that bad storytelling or bad thematic telling? Perhaps you are right that it is weak, but I'm more dubious there myself.

Finally, I find it interesting that you note the dichotomy between "impassivity" and "introspection." I find it hard to separate the two, though that seems more of an issue on my part than the part of anything else. In the future, I will definitely have to work on delineating necessary reflection and necessary inaction, if such a thing does exist, but I appreciate your observation there.

Hopefully this didn't sound too defensive or annoying... Fundamentally, as a fellow reviewer, I agree with your points. But also fundamentally as the author, I disagree with the interpretation of the work.

I'm... Not sure if that's particularly dissonant of me, but here we are.

Thanks again for the review, nevertheless. Actually, by writing out this whole response, I feel like I've getting a better understanding of this particular perspective. I appreciate it.

Alright let me adress a few of your issues you pointed out with my review:

"small talk and a whole lot of nothing" is part of the genre of Slice of Life itself.

I fundamentally disagree with that notion. Nothing is ever supposed to be pointless in a piece of writing. They can be self-serving, especially in genre like slice of life, but they are not pointless. Even when a scene doesn’t connect strictly to the main story line it has to have its own value. Maybe it’s funny, maybe it’s cute, maybe it’s just supposed to tell us something about the characters. But no matter how much I thought about it I couldn’t find a single purpose for that chit-chat. (Disclaimer the scenes in which the chit-chat took place very much had a purpose. I’m talking about exclusively the small talk part of the scenes)

Dramatics only work as superficial characteristics when overplayed, and I didn't think such a characterization would have been helpful - at least to the intended extent.

I definitely agree with your point there. I hate when writers make their characters one dimensional. Rarity doesn’t always have to act dramatic, Rainbow doesn’t always have to be cool, Fluttershy doesn’t always have to be shy etc. However it was not the drama I was missing it was the initiative. Rarity didn’t do anything. And I feel Rarity likes to do stuff, because that’s the mentality which is needed to create all the things she created.

Now I’m not saying she should have solved it on its own. I think it’s important to show that sometimes no matter what you do you can’t solve a problem. And you actually did that when she went to the optometrist. I think you just should have done it more. Maybe you could have had her retreating to her drawing board but make her feel she is utterly failing at designing. It’s not a solution, far from it, yet it is doing something to deal with the problem.

Nor do I agree with the issue of presence of MLP characteristics.

Well if a story doesn’t use elements of the MLP world than it doesn’t have to be written in the MLP word making every MLP element kinda redundant. So it’s a bit similar to my first point if you don’t agree with that you’re not gonna agree with this one either.

Here is what I mean. The whole "solution" isn't ignoring the issue. It's accepting it and coming to terms with it.

I understand that. Actually I even understood what you were going for when I read it. But here is why it doesn’t work for me: Ignoring an issue and accepting something looks an awful lot like the other. Without showing how hard it is to truly accept something, it is gonna be the classic “tell don’t show” and as a consequence acceptance gonna look like ignorance. Even though Rarity says it isn’t.

“I simply tried to offer a perspective - Rarity's - and work my way from there. Is that bad storytelling or bad thematic telling?”

That could have been great actually. But I simultaneously didn’t think the character was Rarity, and disliked whoever she was so the last thing I wanted to do is to see anything from her perspective. I get that many people do react to problems with inaction, but they are not the ones I want to read stories about. Inaction is rarely interesting. On that note inaction and introspection are not necessarily go hand by hand.

Often they do but then the introspection should provide something really specific. Like Hamlet, he does nothing until the last scene but his pondering is very philosophic. Or something. Honestly, I didn’t really pay attention to it because I was sixteen and it went straight over my head. But he is the gold standard of inactive characters so that’s that. You however stated that you didn’t want to add anything new to the theme on a philosophical so it’s not a valid path for you.

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Thanks for the reply! I'm glad we're able to discuss this quite cordially and smartly, even if we're bound to disagree.

Still, I'd like to point out that in your review, you brought up the "fantasy" elements that make every MLP story, well, MLP. I'm not sure if that's a particularly universal attribute, though. I've read a lot of fics where there's no actual "fantasy" per se, and arguably much of the show is not fantasy-oriented. I don't believe it's fair to say that a story without fantasy cannot be an MLP story. It's not even necessarily critical as it is superficially separating what is and isn't pony-oriented. I suppose it's the measure of what we view and perceive as the core "genre" of it, regardless

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But you've given me a lot to think about, and it's all swell advice; I'll definitely keep it in mind for future works.

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Still, I'd like to point out that in your review, you brought up the "fantasy" elements that make every MLP story, well, MLP.

I mentioned it as one of the ways to make it MLP, because I felt it wasn't MLP enough. Fantasy doesn't make or brake MLP but if there is nothing else there it is something you would look for.