EChamomile

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

Twilight Sparkle stops by Carousel Boutique for a perfectly ordinary teatime with Rarity. Rarity knows it's anything but.

• Twilight
• Rarity

wishcometrue · 2.6k words  ·  262  5 · 2.7k views

Author: wishcometrue

Summary:

On a dark and cloudy evening Rarity is busy at work on a new and inspired dress but her feverish work is interrupted by Twilight, who wants to come in for a talk. Sensing the tremendous tension inside her friend, Rarity invites her in for a tea and the two have a heartfelt moment.

Initial thoughts:

I'm absolutely torn about this fic, because there is a huge discrepancy between the things that work and the things that don't. It was a very binary fic, and I hope I'm able to represent this in my review.

Characters:

There are only two characters in this fic:

The first one is Rarity, and I have to say, she is straight out carrying this whole fic. Not only she is a very good representation of the show character, she is done with obvious love and care, and no small amount of very fitting uniqueness. It's really hard to show such a well-established character in a different, yet still completely familiar light, but wishcometrue almost completely nails it. If I was really nitpicky, I'd say she had just one too many blatant "Rarityisms" for my taste, but that critique feels completely hollow for a character, whose primary characteristic is being over the top at almost everything she does.

Anyhow I thoroughly enjoyed how perceptive she was, how tactically she used certain informations she inferred from the meta-communication of Twilight, and how much she cared for her friend. She was a really fun pow, especially on the second read because I was able to really appreciate all the little things the author did with her.

Twilight on the other hand... she felt like a cardboard cut-out. And her being two dimensional was made even more painful by the really inspired portrayal of the other character in the room. She was freaking out, which is a very Twilight thing to do, and she was trying (and to a degree succeeding) to hide it, but everything she said or did, was so predictable from the moment she stepped in, that I wished I could have just ignored her parts and only read Rarity. It's actually wouldn't have been hard to improve her character by a lot, but more on that later.

That being said the characters is definitely the highpoints of the story, so I happily give it a 7/10

Pacing

The Pacing was... odd. First it was really slow. Like painfully slow, I didn't like it one bit the first time I've read the story. Second time though, I really started to see the fine web of interconnected ideas that really held the structure of the story together. By the time of writing this I'm convinced that this would have been the natural pace of the story. It wouldn't have been for everyone, because it was certainly slow, but those who have a keen eye for details, would have liked it a lot.

But then the actual conversation starts and it all goes down the toilet.

The two main character almost literally had the following conversation:

T: I'm not fit to rule.

R: Yes, you are.

T: Okay, but what if I don't wanna?

R But what if you did?

T: Oh thanks Rarity, I didn't think about that.

Then they hug it out. The end.

I get that it was originally an entry for a speedwriting contest, but that's not an excuse. If something isn't right, it's not the reader's job to show compassion to the author. Especially when the author specifically said, that they expanded the story since it's inception.

I think because one half of the story is very well paced and the other is, well... not, it's fitting I give it a 5/10

Moral:

Moral is not the right word, or only in the most holistic sense, but I don't really have a better one. What I mean here, is the point of the story. The reason it was written.

Anyhow no matter how I want to call it, this story has none. It has a conflict, a trite and banal one, but a conflict nonetheless. Twilight is freaking out that she has to rule. And while this conflict is done to death and back, both in the show and in entertainment in general, but it can be done well.

The problem is it felt like the writer didn't want to do it well. Or at all. Twilight comes in, she tells her problem, she gets a two-minute talk from Rarity, and suddenly it's resolved. This is almost the definition of deus ex machina, which is hardly a recipe for a satisfying ending.

I think the easiest solution to this whole thing would have been is to specify the problem a bit. Afraid of ruling is just such a vast all-encompassing problem, that any advice that can be given on it, is going to be overly simplistic and full of generalities. Which just cheapens any progress that the pair makes.

What pains me even more, that Twilight is such a perfect character for getting lost in the details.

Maybe she's afraid that she would raise the taxes too high and halt the economy. Or lower them too much and then don't have money for important things.
Maybe she's afraid that in her belief in the power of friendship she will be to hesitant to act when faced with an enemy that can't be reasoned with.
Maybe she will be too protective of her little ponies, and pounce on enemies that are not really there causing pain for generations to come.

There are so many possibilities, and I think almost all of them would have been better than this overarching one. Of course, the writer has to pay careful attention to choose one where Rarity has the competence to give a meaningful solution, but I have full confidence that someone who portrayed Rarity as well as wishcometrue, could have easily pulled that off.

Sadly, they didn't. 3/10

Final thoughts

This is a story with immense potential, and subpar execution, the marks of a beginner writer, but one with actual talent. While it wasn't a very good story, I believe if they are willing to put in the appropriate work, they can write something good.

In the meanwhile, it's 5/10. (And definitely closer to 4 than 6).