ESomeday Soon

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Slice of Life

A story of secrets and storms, where two fillies grow closer through them.

• Other

Emotion Nexus · 2.6k words  ·  33  3 · 556 views

Someday Soon by Kailani Tides is a short story that is next in my list of things to review. And as a short romance story, be warned, fellow reader! Do not read further unless you would like to spoil the story for yourself!

Summary

Sunny Daze was invited for a casual sleepover with Peachy Pie. However, this sleepover didn’t turn out to be uneventful at the slightest as the stormy weather rolled in to haunt Sunny with her fateful memories via a flashback. Fortunately, Peachy was there to soothe her senses, allowing Sunny to doze off before she could admit her love for Sunny.

Content/Plot Analysis

Firstly, let me discuss about the flashback Sunny had when she stared at the photograph of her father. I can tell that she had experienced a horrible incident that involved her father from the descriptions that the author proposed in the story; however, I believe that this aspect of the story could be better developed, since I posit that this part was slightly rushed. I felt that the author had an opportunity here to build up the fear and anxiety experienced by Sunny in the tragedy experienced to a greater level to bring out the emotions of Sunny into the reader’s mind. This could drive the emotions home to convince the reader of the emotional scar left behind by this incident more effectively. I opine that the author could emphasize on the ambience and sound of the rain to bring out the atmosphere of Sunny’s recollections that would assist in the above. In addition, the pacing of this part of the story could be slightly slowed down and I will talk about this in the following section of this review.

Similarly, the development of the subsequent aspect of the story concerning the part in which Sunny, who was petrified by the thundery downpour outside, was being consoled by Peachy could be better. I attribute this to the descriptions of the feelings and emotions of the characters to be diluted by the dialogue that was sandwiched and layered between each one of them. In addition, the details of these emotions were not very illustrative as the descriptions did not build up the emotions sufficiently strongly to tie the reader into the story. I would recommend reinforcing the descriptions through more subtle means, such as through facial expressions, minute body language and even the strength of the words used.

Furthermore, the love that Peachy had for Sunny displayed at the end of the story could have been foreshadowed better. Granted, the story did show that Peachy was a caring friend for Sunny throughout the sleepover and that Peachy was incredibly excited to meet Sunny, but I must admit that the story did not strongly imply that there was something greater than close friendship between the two. Perhaps, I felt that the author could tie in the memories within Peachy’s mind that the two had together at the end of the story. This would show how much Sunny actually meant to her and her life, therefore persuading the reader more easily on the point of how this sense of genuine affection came to be. Another method would be to integrate smaller snippets of experiences within the story from the perspective of Peachy to help build the foundation for the romance. I am certain the author is more than aware of the backstory between the two, and I think that sprinkling some parts of that into the story would help to boost the impact the story has on the reader.

Before I close off this chapter, I have one slight nitpick –

…Above those she spotted an inspirational poster that made her smirk.

Even without wings, you can still reach for the skies!

I felt that this inspirational poster did not add to the story’s concept or plot in a salient manner, as it did not explicitly tie in into Sunny’s experiences or the romance in the story. Pruning this point would help concentrate the ideas of the story, rather than diluting the impact the story has on the reader.

Flow

Alright, let me discuss on the pacing and logic of this story. Firstly –

She was so excited she could have been a good successor to Pinkie Pie if she was older. The thought only made it harder to keep her focus.

The interpretation of this quoted excerpt is subjective. One way to interpret this would be to say that Peachy Pie was extremely distracted by the fact that she could have been a successor to Pinkie Pie just if she were older. Another way would be that she was so excited, so much so that she might as well be another Pinkie Pie in this perspective, by a thought in her mind that distracted her significantly. Honestly, as a reader, I was not certain of what to make of this paragraph. I was not sure whether the author would like to convey the fact that Peachy Pie actually wanted to be a successor to Pinkie Pie, causing her to be so distracted with that thought or whether the author wanted to use Pinkie Pie as a way to show how excited Peachy Pie was. Of course, with the context of the paragraphs surrounding this excerpt, the second interpretation does have more validity than the first, as Pinkie Pie was not subsequently mentioned. However, the phrasing of this impacted the communication the reader would have had with the story. I believe that the author could strongly consider rephrasing the statement to bring out the sheer degree of excitement that was portrayed by Peachy Pie in this aspect. Moreover, “the thought” could be more explicitly separated away from this focal idea and perhaps be linked closer to the idea that Peachy had in her mind – the impending arrival of her dearest friend to help avoid situations such as these.

Secondly, I felt that this story could be enhanced with the addition of more linking phrases throughout. For instance:

“Sunny! Come on in,” Peachy chirped, ushering her inside. Sunny quickly ran in and set down her bags. Peachy sneaked up behind her and surprised her with a hug.

“Sunny! Come on in,” Peachy chirped, ushering her inside. Immediately, Sunny quickly ran in and set down her bags swiftly. However, unbeknownst to Sunny, Peachy sneaked up behind her and surprised her with a hug.

These linking phrases aid the reader to link the points made in the story and to bring the ideas cohesively in a string of thought. These also have the added benefit to reinforce the pacing of the story in which the author would like to uphold in each aspect. This would enable the flow of the story to become more dynamic in nature.

Thirdly, I would like to return to the point I left off from the content aspect of the review. I felt that the pacing of the story, especially pertaining to the feelings experienced by Sunny during her flashback and the subsequent thunderstorm, was slightly too fast throughout. The addition of more descriptive and emotive content into the story to paint the scene in a more gradual manner, perhaps from a foreground to background perspective, would help to slow the pacing of the story down, allowing the reader to have an opportunity to connect with Sunny on a more emotional level. The reader would have been more likely to digest the scene the story would like to picture and internalize it for a greater, more lasting impact. The addition of more linking phrases, alongside the usage of commas, would moderate the flow of the story better. Even paragraphing can be a useful tool to help split ideas; to pause the story at apt moments to intensify the impact.

And then all was silent. The wind buffeted her senses, yet felt weak despite its power. Heavy sheets of rain poured from the heavens and soaked her face. But still, silence.

And then, all was silent.

The wind buffeted her senses, yet it felt weak despite its power. Heavy sheets of rain poured from the heavens and soaked her face.

But still, all she could hear was silence.

Language

Technical errors were quite rare throughout this story, and the only thing I could find was this –

Peachy spit out her carrot juice and burst out laughing.

Peachy spat out her carrot juice and burst out laughing.

Next, let’s discuss about the word choice in the story, for example –

“Hey, Peachy, guess what?” Sunny said after she stopped struggling, a devious smile on her face. Before Peachy could react, a hoof shot in front of her muzzle with great speed.

The bolded words implied that Sunny was about to be hit by Peachy, yet the story continued with this –

“Boop.”

For the context outlined here, I felt that the words chosen by the author, particularly those bolded, had too strong a connotation to show the light physical contact depicted immediately after. I understand that the author would like to showcase how sudden Peachy’s hoof came into view from the perspective of Sunny, but I think that that was already outlined in the sentence. Perhaps –

“Hey, Peachy, guess what?” Sunny said after she stopped struggling, a devious smile on her face. All of a sudden, before Peachy could react, she was greeted by the view of a hoof appearing right in front of her muzzle.

Stance

This story has much potential, but I really wished that the story could bring out the emotions and experiences of the characters more intensely.

Content/Plot: 5/10
Flow/Communication: 5.3/10
Language/Readability: 7.5/10
Overall: 5.9/10

To improve, the author could build up the descriptions of the emotions in a more vibrant and active manner to intensify their impact. Going into the minute details of the character’s facial expression, body language and tone and tying them into their explicit feelings would greatly enhance the emotions and the romance in the story.

Hey, thanks for the review!

I'm just starting so feedback is very helpful.

I do agree that there is much room for improvement but I'm getting better. It's also my first attempt at writing in third person, so I think I did alright for a first go.

Cheers!

7261290
Hey, no problem! Actually, you have done a great job as a first attempt. Anyways, if you need any help, please feel free to ask. :)