ETruth Over Dare

• Equestria Girls
• Sad
• Slice of Life

While caring for Sweetie Belle, Rarity learns a little secret her sister is reluctant to share.

• Rarity
• Sweetie Belle

SunTwi06 · 4.6k words  ·  37  2 · 1.3k views

Description

After a hangout with her best friends, Sweetie Belle catches a flu and has to skip school. Luckily, Rarity is there to nurse her to health and establish some quality time. But as they enjoy their get together, Rarity notices that it’s more than just the flu that’s making Sweetie Belle uncomfortable. A casual conversation turns deep as a major truth is revealed.

Initial Thoughts

I admit: I love me a good Sweetie Belle / Rarity feelsgood fic. They are, after all, my favorite pair of siblings in the show, and their dynamic is, arguably, the most realistic. That’s probably why I chose to read and review this story.

A few things: this is a pretty good description overall, and while I have a few minor gripes (“a” flu? It’s “the” flue; and “get together” should be hyphenated), there’s nothing bad about it. It’s short, sweet, and moreover, hooks the reader in, getting them to ask what major truth is at play.

Onto the story. There will be spoilers.

Summary

Sweetie Belle is sick, and so naturally she must stay home from school. How fortuitous, for this allows Rarity to make up for some lost sister-hangout time. Why is Sweetie sick? It’s because Scootaloo dared her to get herself soaked from the freezing rain just the night prior. Childish antics, perhaps, but altogether unbelievable; yet Rarity notes that there’s something off about Sweetie when she speaks of this, and upon further pressing, learns that what Sweetie is really feeling is a kind of sadness. Not because she got wet or sick, but because she’s aware that the days of Truth and Dare, and free summer nights with her friends, is coming to an end. High school is around the corner, and she is afraid that they will all drift apart as new responsibilities take their attention. Understandable, really; who is not afraid of change? But Rarity, though understanding, consoles Sweetie Belle, telling her that it’s not all for naught. For while Sweetie’s interest in Drama may be fundamentally different from how her friends look at it, they will still be her friends, no matter what new things come their way.

Plot

It’s simple and sweet, and nothing terribly complicated. That’s great! For a story with low stakes like this, it’s necessary to keep things level, and to avoid as many plot twists and turns as possible. There’s a gentleness throughout that is such a delight to read, almost like a warm summer sigh. Tonally, and speaking overall, there’s a clear joy in what was written, and the author does seem to take their characters and their situation seriously.

Yet, while the story’s premise and demeanor may be pleasant, there are parts of the plot that leave much to be desired.

As it stands, this story functions a bit like a mystery. The mystery is, of course, what Sweetie Belle is upset over. As we learn by the end, she’s worried about the future—a fine dilemma to have, storytelling-wise, and one that’s easy enough to digest. However, for such a mystery to have a desired impact, the reader has to be aware of what the character has to lose if such a dilemma were to come to be.

I imagine that the author wants readers to sympathize with Sweetie Belle, and to an extent there is great need for sympathy. Yet two things dilute that intended effect: first, there is the issue of pacing; and second, there is the issue of believability.

The first is a bit hard to explain. I confront it by saying: this story’s pacing is all over the place. Despite it being a naturally slow-progression plot (it would not do to have it go fast and action-paced), the pacing between the exposition and the actual meat of the narrative is very much off. A lot of time is spent in the beginning and middle of the story drawing the reader close to Sweetie Belle and Rarity. The pacing is divided up essentially into dialogue, with each character’s line bringing the reveal closer and closer. However, there’s a point where the story has tugged on for long enough, and it feels like too much time was spent enjoying the characters’ company and not enough actually getting to the problem itself.

There’s much talk, for instance, about who among the Crusaders is the happiest. And a lot of time is spent dwelling on that question. Why? Compare that to the two previous sections, where Sweetie is “retelling” the reader what happened with the dare. Those are much shorter than this part, but those feel more connected to the plot than this.

This seems to be a clear attempt at connecting two points to one, and transitioning into Sweetie Belle telling her what’s got her upset, but at the same time, it’s choppily done. That’s probably because all of a sudden there’s a change in focus, and no immediate sense of urgency. Rarity takes her sweet time getting through the matter of the question, but the story’s inciting incident takes a backseat.

Now, I understand why this might have been done. Prolonging the “truth” of a mystery is the way we achieve tension. I grant that, but, the tension in this story just doesn’t seem to want to progress in that way. The story’s slow buildup makes the drama in the reveal feel lacking. The tension continuously shifts between narrative focuses, and is therefore lessened rather than grown. There’s no real hesitancy or “fear” on either Rarity, Sweetie Belle, or even the reader’s part.

I believe that the biggest cause for this discrepancy in tension is that the story doesn’t give enough “weight” to what is supposed to be the cause of the drama: Sweetie Belle’s feelings about growing older. That is the theme of the story: it’s a classic coming-of-age trope. Yet, the inciting incident which is supposed to trigger this fear, that of the dare, feels completely glossed over, and in its place is this lengthy get-together between Rarity and Sweetie. I’m not saying that’s bad. In fact, I think that could work, but only if it was juxtaposed to a contrasting emotion. That emotion might be fear, anxiety, uncertainty—emotions that Sweetie Belle and the author hint at, but never fully explore.

The reason why is that more of the story is devoted to Sweetie Belle figuring out her problem isn’t that much of a problem—meanwhile, the reader has no idea why it’s a problem in the first place. The slow nature of the story works against this vital component. Sweetie’s epiphany is supposed to come gradually through this discussion with Rarity, but we have no basis for believing that the problem occurred in the first place. We know it was the result of a dare: but what was felt in that moment? What did Sweetie Belle think? What does she believe she stands to lose if this fear were to come to light?

Because Sweetie Belle’s fear is not just growing up; it’s losing her friends in the process. But, in terms of story, we don’t see how much she has to lose. We’re told, but now shown it; the effect is one of a light hit, rather than a gut punch. As a result—and going back to my argument—the believability of those stakes, that problem, and the entire dilemma, suffers.

I want to get inside Sweetie’s head. I want to know what she thought about the dare, and moreover, why the thought of growing up suddenly entered her head. Did she see something? Hear something? Did her friends make an offhand comment that suddenly made her realize, Oh heck, my middle school days are actually coming to an end? Show me the actual inciting event. Get me to care. Let me fear as Sweetie fears, let me see what she stands to lose. Then let the knowledge of this carry its own trepidation, and let that fuel the drama to climactic levels!

Score - 5 / 10

Characterization

There are two characters: Sweetie Belle and Rarity. Naturally one of them has to take the spotlight, and that, of course, is Sweetie Belle.

SunTwi’s depiction of Sweetie Belle is actually very interesting. It’s clear she’s a bit older than the one we’re used to. There’s the hint of maturity just behind her childish antics—and despite my misgivings with the presentation and exploration of the plot, this particular characterization aids the theme of growing up very nicely. She is, after all, on the cusp of womanhood, just about to take the first steps into becoming her own.

Rarity, too, functions—if only just. Her role is definitely a diminished one, though this is understandable considering this is Sweetie’s story. Her role as the big comforting sister was particularly nice, though I was surprised that she didn’t gripe as much with Sweetie as she does in other mediums.

One thing I want to bring up, which is both a matter of characterization and composition, is that the story is a bit awkward in the beginning with who it wants to present as the main character. There’s a lot of head-hopping between Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and an unnamed observing narrator, and while the story manages to fix itself and keep to Sweetie’s limited third-person perspective, that head-hopping was a bit awkward to get through.

(Sidenote: it’s entirely possible to write with head-hopping, but certain stories demand that, and certain stories abstain. For a great example: Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice features a lot of head-hopping, and it works because that story is written from a third-person omniscient perspective, meaning the narrator is fully capable of “knowing” every thought and action on part of the characters. For a shorter example: Ernest Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants” has an objective narrator—a narrator who is much like a wide-view camera watching the entire stage—jump between a man and a woman, never really going into their heads but featuring their actions simultaneously.)

Beyond that, the characterization holds strong!

Score - 9 / 10

Syntax

Mild grievances here that routinely kept sticking up throughout the story. There were several run-ons and comma splices where no amount of justification via style can relieve them. There were also several cases of diving into the present tense, which, again, could not be justified for sake of style, since such changes had no grace or fluidity. It’s important to maintain a tense as much as you can, because not doing so cuts into the voice of the story and interrupts the flow.

The biggest issue to syntax is a common one: hyper-correction. This takes the form of adverbs, generally speaking, and occurs when an author is unsure that a reader will be able to understand the connotation behind words or phrases. An author should not be afraid: a word, alone, has a lot of power, and can convey a lot, and sometimes you do not need adverbs in the slightest. I saw it with some dialogue tags, such as at the beginning, when “Sweetie responded, despondently” is written (sidenote: you don’t need the comma after the verb, here), and it’s a problem scattered throughout the story.

There’s an easy way to fix this, which is to remove every adverb, but I caution against a hasty endeavor. Rather, I would advise a technique I’ve used: once you’re done with the first draft of a story, any story, try to cut down the word count by 10%. You’ll find that by aiming for such an amount, you’ll end up cutting adverbs and, more importantly, phrases and clauses that don’t serve a better function than whatever part of speech they are modifying. You’ll also end up cutting back on hyper-correction, and the words will have a greater “bite” to them.

Score - 7 / 10

Final score - (5 + 9 +7) / 3 = 7 / 10

Final Thoughts

There’s much about this story that works, but there’s also much about this story that doesn’t. If I were to offer a blanket suggestion, it would be that it needs a bit more substance. The cause for the drama within Sweetie Belle, in particular, warrants a much more detailed exploration. Otherwise, the story transitions a bit too quickly into “feel good solution” territory. Dramatize, if you will—heighten the emotion and the potential payoff.

But, overall, if you enjoy sister stories, and if you enjoy little forays into growing up—and of course, if you like Rarity and/or Sweetie Belle—then you’ll definitely enjoy this story.

Thank you for the review. While I was admittly concerned initially and I only have one mild disagreement (that being character but that's a minor pick as that's what was wrong with the story originally witch is what I tried to fix), the rest is something I completely agree with. Unlike my previous review, this story I do plan on keeping up as not only was it featured (albeit, for a short time and with the M tag off) but most people liked it.

This doesn't mean it won't be fixed in the future(in fact, far from it), but it won't be on my top list of things to fix. With that said, this makes things easier to fix in the long haul. Again, thank you for your time and I'm glad you enjoyed(?) it(and sorry for dragging on for so long)