Hello, and my Name is Sir Real.

Written by

My Sister Tia

Summary:

Discord calls himself Sir Real. The princesses don't approve. So he is a statue now, and the dictionary just got updated. Twice.

That summary pretty much covers the entire story. No kidding.

Analysis: I have read a lot of short comedies in this group, and quite a few actually succeeded in being clever in such a short period of time. This story takes a simple idea but fails to do much with it. The writer used five chapters and 1.3k words for this simple joke, and it falls flat in some places. The weakest part of this story is the lack of character development and content. Each chapter dealt with a specific part of Discord's process of crossing the line that leads to him being turned into stone. This could have benefited much more if each part of the story had more detail.

If you want a quick laugh and a few puns, you can read this, just don't expect a full story.

Grammar. 3/10 There are quite a few spelling and grammatical errors in the first chapter alone. I believe a few paragraphs can explain quite a few common ones.

"Tia, make him stop! Make him stop! He's taking all my toys!," Luna wailed.
She was saying this as of Course, Discord was taking all of her toys. He was trying to make a crazy town, and as a finishing touch, made a train and a boat both float up in it's sky.
"I'm just making a city! And your toys just happened to be the ones around, so I decided to make a town with your toys, Luna!," he jokingly replied, and then spat at her.

The commas following every sentence are unnecessary when behind an exclamation point. Then there are the other spelling errors. If I were to rewrite this, it would be something like this.

"Tia, please make him stop! He's taking all of my toys!" Luna wailed as the chaotic Draconequus trying to make a crazy town. As a finishing touch, he made a train and a boat float in the sky around it, enjoying the little unnatural touch.

"I'm just making a city, and your toys just happened to be the ones around. So I decided to make a town with them. It's your fault for not having them around me." He jokingly replied, and then spat at her hooves.

There should be this symbol between the flashbacks [ h r ] Just take the spaces out and you will have this.

Then there are some strange ways of explaining who is talking in some sentences.

"We know your feeble tricks, Discord. Don't even try to fool us." Surprisingly, this was the younger sister, Luna.

Why is this surprising? Some of the sentences fail to make sense in their presentation, making it hard to read and follow along with. I'd recommend an editor going over this to handle the errors that are scattered around in this story.

The plot of the story: 4/10 This story has an intriguing title that helps to grab attention. If only the summary didn't give away the whole story. I feel like this premise wasn't used enough, making this story seem more like a short joke than a real story.

Story flow: 3/10 Some stories can still thrive no matter how long they are, but this story is too short! Everything happens so quickly that it gives little explanation of why Discord decides to reform, and why he suddenly turns around and goes back to being Discord. There is little to no development between him and the sisters, making their mindset of "Oh, he actually reformed!" seem too sudden. This story could have profited more by just elaborating on each chapter more. Another thousand words in each chapter would have done a world of good, but in the end, the plot moves way too fast.

Final score. 10/30-3.3/10

I think the author needs to take more time when writing his stories, allowing him to figure out how to establish a better plotline. You don't always have to try and make a story as short as possible. Adding more details can help submerge audiences into the narrative you are trying to sell. Add more jokes, find more creative ways of being nonsensical. Being a comedy doesn't mean that it just has to be written for a few gags. You can elaborate more on your premise to where your simple gag can be an amazing punchline. Also, you may want to work on your grammar skills.

My Sister Tia

My Sister Tia #2 · Jul 24th, 2020 · 1 · ·

Reply

Okay. Makes some sense. I did speed write this in less than an hour.
Considering that I did, would you say that my score is pretty okay? I just want something to reference off of. Plus, I may make a rewrite (not presenting it as new; but as a rewrite.)

Light Heart101

Group Contributor