[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

I am back, and this time, with a short little story about how Chrysalis fell in love with Shining Armor while trying to pull off her plan. It’s a fairly stock standard plot for this premise that, unfortunately, doesn’t live up to its potential.

For the issues that I had, the most prominent of these was the writing. The issues are enough that I would recommend getting an editor, more importantly because the style of writing is one that is not the most enjoyable to read. To start, I would like to bring up that oh-so-common problem I, and more than likely only I, have a problem with. The use of ‘said’ and its derivatives.

“I’m so sorry” he said.

“No, no, it was all my fault sir.” Chrysalis replied.

“Sir?” he asked.

Why, oh why, did we need to read who said what like this? In the scene, the only established characters are Shining and Chrysalis, so the constant inclusion of who is saying what is a writing faux paus. What is even more grating to me though is, as I previously stated, ‘said’ and its derivatives. You see, you can have each quote accompanied by a section explaining who said it; HOWEVER, when you do this, contextual information needs to be added that adds to the scene.

“I’m so sorry,” he said.

“No, no, it was all my fault sir.”

“Sir?”

or

“I’m so sorry,” he said, reaching forward to help the maid in front of him up.

“No, no, it was all my fault sir.”

“Sir?” Shining Armor tilted his head to the side and lifted an eyebrow in confusion.

With either one of these, you get across the same point, and with the second you show what is going on as well.

Past that, I did catch quite a few errors in the writing that are major no-nos.

“Well, okay.” Chrysalis hesitated. “Let me help you” Shining Armor said after he realized that the tea was still on the floor.

This should be;

“Well, okay.” Chrysalis hesitated.

“Let me help you,” Shining Armor said after he realized that the tea was still on the floor.

Furthermore, the writing causes problems with characterization and flow. The author never describes any of the actions in a great amount of detail, leading to this feeling that we’re missing out on most of the story, and because the story is so short, large sections of it feel like they are being rushed through. These both culminate in the story actively hurting the premise of the piece, the character dynamic.

The story promises to tell the tale of how Chrysalis actually fell for Shining armor and, I hope, convince us to feel that something like that could have worked. The problem is, the entire story is less than 2,000 words. I am in no way a professional author, but I would put money on the notion that a story like this needs at minimum 5,000 words to do this notion justice. There are only two scenes where Chrysalis and Shining are interacting with one another, and both of them are maybe 200 words each. There needed to be FAR more story here to properly draw a reader in and get them invested in what was going on.

Final scores;

Writing: 4/10, Errors, lots of errors.

Pacing: 3/10, This story rushed through the premise and never let me really get to know what was going on. I learned WHAT happened, but I have no frame of reference as to WHY any of it mattered. I story like this needs time if the author wants to tell it well.

Characters: 3/10, See pacing. There is something here, but everything goes by too fast for you to properly take it in and appreciate who these individuals are.

Concept/Originality: 1/10, I have read at least 5 other stories that have this exact premise or one very close to it. The issue is not that it was unoriginal, several of those took this premise and made very good stories, the issue is that this story adds nothing to the premise of Chrysalis falling for Shining.

Cuteness: 2/10, Again, the issue is length and pacing. It’s hard for me to say ‘oh, that’s cute’ if I can’t relate to what’s going on and feel for the characters.

Total Score: 13/50 or 2.6/10, This is a story that desperately needed more flesh to it. This story premise should be one driven by the characters, but we aren’t permitted to really sit down with them to truly get to know them or what their thoughts are. My suggestion to the author would primarily be to improve their understanding of the rules of writing and to take the story they are wanting to tell and examine what the premise there requires in terms of how the story should be written.