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EAll Eyes on You...
You have returned home after your recent vacation and begun to unpack. As you look outside into the downpour you see a strange mare. Feeling pity for her, you invite her in. However there is more to her than meets the eye.
Robipony · 8.1k words  ·  200  3 · 3.2k views

I read: Completed at 7k words, 1 chapter
I rate: 7/10
I recommend: Read if you like monster girls or 2nd Person.

Now, I’m going out on a limb here and assuming that most of the userbase of this site is American and middle class and, thus, hasn’t actually had servants. If you grew up fairly well-off in Africa, like I did, you probably did employ a housekeeper, possibly a gardener or driver or cook as well. As such, I never really got this whole, for lack of a better term, “Maid craze” that seems to infect a lot of the internet - personally, I certainly find its convenient but not really very cute or quaint to actually hire somebody to cook and clean for you. I never really understood monster girl fondness either but that’s, for once, not from personal experience. Unless you count the vampire anyway.

Moving on.

Today’s story is All Eyes on You… and it is a typical enough 2nd Person affair with our protagonist and intrepid unicorn writer and monster-girl/maid aficionado running into an Agrapony, a chick with more eyes than the Mississippi, who offers to pay off her life dept to him by becoming his housekeeper. As one does, apparently. Now, there’s nothing wrong with this sort of plot being predictable - it isn’t a mystery, a thriller, a world-spanning romance, and so doesn’t need to be unpredictable - however this only worsens my first complaint. The pacing is off here, badly. A lot of time is devoted to introducing Irisa, the maid to be, and building the protagonist’s character but very little is actually spent doing anything. Apart from their first meeting and one shopping trip, they have no real interactions past dialogue and this makes the story particularly “tell” focused and so makes the sudden ending a rather disappointing pay off.

What saves this though is, firstly, the characterisation. A common issue with 2nd Person writing is that the protagonist, you, is made as bland and relatable as possible as to be as easy as possible to understand as a self-insert. Not here. Despite being a male unicorn writer, and thus as stand-in for about 57% of the FimFic userbase, he does have a recognizable voice, mysterious secrets, and probably also slept with a shark-person in the last story so he’s definitely a memorable character. Likewise Irisa is presented as being a particularly vulnerable and broken person but also one who is actively working against this to improve - she’s cute too. Rarity, appearing briefly, also is in character and her short appearance is a thoroughly enjoyable one and manages to salvage much of the otherwise poor ending.

The second attribute that strongly aids this story is that Robipony is a particularly competent technical writer - while the storytelling aspect itself struggles somewhat, he definitely knows how to manage the minutia of the story. Grammar is good, and the descriptions are realistic and colourful while the narration flows quickly and logically while still preserving the protagonist’s character.

Overall this is a well-written short story and, if you’re willing to look past the poor pacing and unfollowed-upon questions relating to Irisa’s backstory and the Blue Door, it is one I highly recommend - especially if you aren’t me and thus like the idea of having a monster girl as your housekeeper. Well, I would too if I didn’t have to pay her either.

Plot: 3/5. The story ends abruptly and without, at least in my mind, a proper payoff and the story acts themselves feel poorly balanced.
Characters: 4/5. The viewpoint character actually has character and his reasoning is refreshingly understandable, for once, and Rarity and Irisa both have a few good moments each.
Style: 4/5. The second-person narration flows naturally and logically. The descriptions of the world and especially Irisa are handled maturely and make visualizing the story a pleasure.
Execution: 3/5. Although a charming and well-written oneshot, I cannot say that I found any of it to actually be comedic.
Overall Rating: 14/20 = 7/10

To Robipony: Good work here, you’re honestly one of the best 2nd Person writers I’ve seen on this site. To improve this story, I would say to rewrite and extend the ending, possibly showing another interaction between our boy the shark-lover and Irisa after finishing up with Rarity. I’d also recategorize this from “Comedy” to “Drama” as none of it really was particularly comedic - especially not with the serious discussions of Irisa’s wounds or the protagonist’s pre-existing baggage. In future, I definitely would like to see and expansion of that and, if you’d be so inclined, the protagonist having a run-in with something like a Vanara.

For something like this: Is a Shark Mare's Bark Worse Than Her Bite? and the rest of Robipony’s Monster Mare continuity are all of the same theme and subject matter. Otherwise checking out 4chan’s /mlp/ might have some good 2nd Person writing as well, but that’s no guarantee.

As always, if you enjoyed this story, why not check out some more of my writing? My YA novel Paper Girl has just reached its thrilling conclusion!       

7078893 Thank you for the review, I really enjoyed it.:pinkiesmile:

Yeah, I might extend it a little. I thought I had ended it well, but I can definitely see what you mean. Would you mind giving it another look, if I did? :raritywink:

A Vanara.:derpyderp2:

I'll have to look into that.:derpytongue2:

7078958
I'll definitely review it again if you ask. Glad you liked it.

7078967 Yeah, I always enjoy constructive criticism and improving my stories. :twilightsmile:

So when it comes to the Vanara, is there anything in particular that made you interested in well, a monster pony of a Vanara? Are there any characteristics you would want to see in an interpretation of one? :rainbowderp:

Just curious. :twilightsheepish:

7078967
Ugh; pacing. My arch nemesis. He rears his ugly head.

As the editor for this story, and a big fan of Robi's work, thanks for the review, Leroy! I'll keep pacing in mind for the future -- I tend to miss it from time to time, so it'll be time to turn on the detail-oriented goggles.

7079170
Ooo, I forgot about Vanara! But wouldn't the name be something else, since Vanara translates to "Other Men"? Ah well, still a great idea! We'll totally need to toss that in somewhere.

7079170
To be honest, I just like monkeys.

7079992 Alright. I just wasn't sure since it had a connection with Hinduism, if there was something else you were looking for. I do have a few ideas, however most of the elements where I can use those ideas won't be able to occur until further down the line.

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