Hallo! First-time reviewer for this group here, let's see what I can do! Starting off with...

TReflections

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

A small oneshot story about discovering who you truly are, through Ocellus's prospective.

• Thorax
• Pharynx
• Ocellus

Nailah · 3.1k words  ·  75  3 · 3.2k views

No dislikes yet, that's a good sign. Let's dive right in!

A quick summary...

Ocellus finds herself questioning her identity as a changedling in pony society (are changedlings the official fandom term?). She's visited by Pharynx, who tries to help her come to terms with her culture's past and reconcile with the darker parts of it. At the end, Ocellus comes out more confident in herself and less fearful of her dark past.

Review

I'll start off small with talking about some mechanical errors. The grammar is more or less alright throughout the story, but I keep spotting some random mistakes that keep popping up. Things like dialogue punctuation…

...no offense to you or anything, but dragons just don’t do soft.,” replied Smolder

...Now, I don't care what Thorax says, it's time I teach you young lings a thing or two,” Hhe said

Dropped commas...

“It’s just, you know, I thought it might be good for you to get out there more.”

...Or worse, what if I end up hurting one of my friends?” she spoke, shivering a bit.

Or in one instance, my personal pet peeve, ending a question without a question mark.

I know King Thorax has really helped us grow, but what if we turn back into those awful creatures.?

There's a few other errors here and there, especially things like extra or missing spaces, or some weird phrasing of sentences that read pretty awkwardly. Other than that though, the story has more or less readable grammar.

Next up is characters and interactions. I'm gonna come clean and admit that I haven't yet watched season 9 of the show, and watched season 8 quite a while ago; so what I'm saying might not be entirely accurate.

I'll point out, though, that Pharynx and Ocellus seem just a little too close in the story. As far as I remember, the two don't really get any close interaction in the show. In here, though, Ocellus doesn't really show much apprehension towards his attitude, nor toward just telling him all her inner feelings.

“I'm not afraid of my shadow. I'm afraid of what we used to be when Chrysalis was Queen and ruled us. We weren't very good back then,” Ocellus said as she bowed her head down.

On a related note, the characters all seem very quick to say what exactly is on their mind, launching into their, uh, emotional exposition and philosophical musings, very quickly. An example would be with Ocellus in the beginning, where her first line of thought after reading Twi's note is literally the central question that's bothering her (have changelings changed?). There's little buildup to it, I feel.

As for the character interactions themselves, minus any macro stuff that I might have issues with, it seems pretty well written! It all flows very smoothly, and there weren't any other major Out Of Character moments that I picked up on (though again that could also be from how long it's been since I've watched the show). Pretty good stuff, all things considered

And last but not least, I found your story structure a little... odd. Like, the main plot is clearly in Ocellus' inner thoughts and in her conversation with the other changelings, but there's this whole chunk near the end of the story that doesn't really seem to serve much purpose? It's just Ocellus helping Twi and AJ clean up after Smolder and Gallus, and then getting lectured by Twi. Filler. Cute and pretty well written filler, but still filler. Which is pretty odd considering it's a one shot, and those don't really need much padding anyways

Scores, and a few suggestions

Grammar, Sentence Structure and Word Choice
Like I said, overall the story handles things pretty well on the grammar front. You might want to go through the story a few more times just to catch those little errors that show up once in a while, though. Also, there are a few instances of oddly phrased sentences or paragraphing that read somewhat awkwardly! These things are a little more subjective and harder to catch, so maybe get a few more people to look over things before you submit, and point out if anything reads weirdly.

Also try not to overuse 'questioned', it feels like the characters are constantly interrogating each other

7/10

Character Behaviour and Interaction
Dialogue is the main issue I have with this. Try not to have characters state exactly what they're feeling, or why; instead, a realistic conversation might have them hinting about their feelings instead of revealing them plainly, especially if they don't exactly have a close relationship. It's also usually more engaging dialogue. Basically, show, don't tell. But in dialogue.

Individual characters still behave in character, and aside from some weird stiffness occasionally (that probably comes from weird choice more than anything) their interactions are written pretty well. I liked the part where Ocellus was talking with Twi for this, actually. Though it might also be because Ocellus is just cute

6/10

Story Structure and Theme
Keep in mind what you're trying to do with a story, and try not to stray too far from it. If a scene doesn't serve a purpose to the plot, or link to the theme in some way, it's usually a good sign that it should be cut. Focus more on the important parts of the story.

5/10

In summary...

The story could have been better! It's a nice, cute story with a great message, but I feel like the poor story structure really brings it down, you could have spent much more time on Ocellus' interactions with the changelings. But in the end, I guess, it's still a pleasant story.

I guess it has no dislikes for a reason, huh? This story gets a solid 6/10 from me.

Disagree with anything? Or do any of my points just make no sense? Feel free to tell me!