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Summary

The time is Valentines, and Twilight is determined to make chocolate. or as the author says;

Since childhood, a child has dreamed of tackling the world's biggest challenge: Making someone they cares about happy.

My first problem with this is that there are an extreme amount of typos, and other confusing problems that I would think that a proofreader would pick up on. However, skimming the comments that seems to be the most common problem.

This story really does fit it's tags perfectly, however, I would add a tad bit of 'Sad' in the tag description because of the elements it contains.

Some of the points in the story seem forced just to fit the story however, I'll give an elaboration in the feedback.

This story can also gain the award for the first story to make me laugh, with the Staring at baking materials for 15 minutes scene.

Not to mention how it almost got a giggle out of me its smart link to the beginning.

Ratings

Characters:

9/10

In my eyes the characters and their relationships together are perfectly realistic right from the get go however, there is a point in the story that let it down. (Elaboration in the feedback)

Descriptions:

5/10

The descriptions in the story are unbalanced purely to serve the story, this can be distracting to certain readers and has a tendency to push readers away from the other moments of the story.

Structure:

3/10

Much like Wings of Black Glass' story the structure was the major let down of the story, albeit not as bad, the typos and missing information and changing character focus just confuses me. (Elaboration in the feedback)

Feedback

Please remember these are just suggestions based on experience and knowledge of story writing. Thank you.

• moments such as with the parents leaving Twilight to her own seem to be forced, I would suggest a hint that they didn't just stop where they did.
• There is also the falling asleep part that seems forced; I've never met a child to fall asleep from what appears to be 'two minutes?', I suggest that she kept thinking about it in till she falls asleep naturally.

• With the structure here are some of the problems that can be fixed:

  • In one paragraph you had only one character communicate without referring to who that person is, I feel like that part was not needed because it also does what my next point.
  • The story tends to change perspective on character focus, I suggest staying to Twilight's thoughts because I feel that the story would still work perfectly without the thoughts of the other characters.
  • There was also a moment in the beginning of the story where the perspective's changed from third to first and back without any explanation or hint to such an action.

  • There also needs to be a clear distinction between thoughts and speech, I suggest using

    '

    instead of

    "

    when using thoughts because you already use Italics in speech.

• Some of the story elements need a bit of elaboration however, that might just be me nitpicking.

However most of the problems for the structure should be solvable with a knowledgeable proofreader.

6849621 Thank you for the review. The only thing I wish to ask is how the description should/could be.

6850160
The only problem is that the descriptions are uneven. You should either increase descriptions overall or decrease the descriptions in the tasting parts

6850330 I'm sorry. I don't quite understand what you mean. Can you explain it a bit further?

6850370
Well with parts where the characters eat chocolate its a bit over descriptive compared to the rest of the narrative. So I suggest that either you limit back the amount of descriptions on those parts or slightly increase the overall descriptions within the story. However, please just remember that these are my suggestions.