Someone Else's Paradise by Green Supernova

I tend to have a love-hate relationship with HIE fics. I love the ones where the human in question has no prior knowledge of the universe as this alows things to progress organically while I tend to dislike the ones that are basically self-inserts as it kills just about every scrap of tension a story might have. Fortunately, this story falls int the former. The premise of the story is that everyone on earth was just raptured and instead of going to heaven, everyone got to go to the world of their own creation/dreams. Unfortunately for the main character, he doesn't have strong enough opinions on what he likes so god sais screw it and lets fate decide where he goes. Where he goes is the magical world of Equestria (herk… everytime I say that a piece of me dies), but with the added bonus of getting to experience the world through the lens of an RPG. And not just any RPG, this isn't your Skyrim or Fallout where people look at you funny and never have anything else to tell you other than “A settlement is under attack”, this is real life as seen through the lens of video games, reminiscent of SAO.

Here we go with the criticisms. First up, mixed tense usage. I started to notice that present and past were being mixed up fairly often. This is something that needs to be fixed as going between past and present outside of dialog is one of the many no-nos of story construction. The second thing that needs to be said about the writing is that it tends to be overly wordy, and that's coming from me. Several sections in the story can either be taken out or reworded to flow better and improve reader engagement. The final bit of critisism I have is more of a personal thing so thake what I say here with a grain of salt. I feel the pacing could have been handled better, more specifically slowed down. As I said, it a personal thing for me so I won't be docking points only making the suggestion to lengthen the time it takes for events to occur.

Final scores:

Characters: 7/10, human, comes to Equestria, wants out, fairly box standard so far. All of the show charicters appear to be acting appropriately, if a little too NPC like for my tastes, but that might be intended for the premise so I cant fault it.

World building 8/10, the premise seems to be well implemented so far, but lacks full embracing. It is building the world well but many ideas are not explored to their full extent. A good example would be the scene with Rarity. The main guy had an hour to question her about things but never does.

Concept: 4/10, this idea is a little played out. While it is well written it doesn't feel like there is much new ground being tread. While I will give it credit as I don't think I’ve seen a story with this exact concept it just feels dry.

Summary: This was a well put together story. The unfortunate thing is that there just isn’t that much here for me to review. Things do happen, it's just that so far in the story there just hasn't been much going on.
Total 19/30 or 6.33/10

6713578
Thanks for the review, it means a lot!