My Best Friend Died so I'm Killing Her Boyfriend by ChillyKitty

Off the bat, I should say I was hesitant about doing this review. Looking at the like to dislike ratio I was expecting to find a story with god-awful grammar and an incomprehensible plot. I was shocked to see that it was neither. While the writing needs an editor it is far from the worst I have read (which is weird seeing as the worst writing in a story I’ve read has far better reception). The plot was easy to understand and was actually quite enjoyable. I liked the Alt. universe idea of having the main cast (mostly) be staff in the castle as it shakes up the known world and allows for a fresh take on things. One of the thing that could have been done better was how Rainbow reacted to everything. It was acknowledged in the story that this wasn't something she should have been doing. I understand that Rainbow would probably find what happened in chapter 2 to be cool, but the fact still remains that how she reacts just seems… off. [I needed to add this section seeing as the fifth chapter was just posted so some new story came in. I think the author screwed up who we should be sympathetic towards and who we should be looking at with dirision. With the introduction of Spirit actually talking he comes across as reasonable and someone I would have a beer with. Rainbow, on the other hand, is coming off as unreasonable, hostile, and just kind of an ass. I read in the authors notes that they wanted a pony that wasn’t an intellectual powerhouse to helm the story but from how that chapter was written I think they might have gone a little too far with it] The final piece of criticism I would like to give would be how fast things were progressing. I know I’m probably one of the worst people for judging this but I think that the story should have slowed down a little to give the audience a chance to breathe before things started to be thrown at them. I know one of the big things with stories is to establish

I think I might know where at least some of the hate comes from. Fluttershy asking Rainbow to kill. That part of the story is so antithetical to what we know Fluttershy to be like that reading it is jarring. While I have seen some fics get away with characters being very different from their show depictions, the surrounding story tended to be enough to distract from this (or was called Cupcakes). Other than that I suspect that either A) the writing was bad enough that several people took offense to it, B) the author pissed off some people and now they are dislike bombing the story {unlikely, seeing as this is the only story effected}, C) the title just needs to be redone as the title seems to be for a more light-hearted “lets kill someone” story rather than the more grounded story being told here, of D) the author needs to return the slab.

Final score:

Writing: 4/10, needs an editor. Several sections need rewrites and I could see several instancess were words were misspelled or a comma was needed.

Plot: 8/10, overall a nice little story. I like dark plots so a story that straight up says ponies gun git the murder on sends me into ecstasy. It's a gritty tale that should be getting more love and less hate.

Premiss: 8/10, this is a nice departure from established canon is one of the reasons that people are drawn to alt universe stories.It's nice to see the established characters in situations that they wouldn't be otherwise. It's also lovely to see murder and rape be addressed in a story, it does my dark heart wonders.

Total: 20/30 or 6.66/10 {shit, that's why your story has so many dislikes. It's possessed by the devil! GET THE HOLY WATER!}

Hi! Thanks for the review! I'm just gonna try and explain myself a bit.. So first, addressing mistakes;
1) I just recently got a pre reader so hopefully that will help with some of the rewriting stuff and grammar ^^;;
2) I'm .. I'm not good at writing Rainbow Dash... I'm trying but I guess that's why her reactions are a bit off ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'll work on that
3) It'll hurt me to change the title, I love it so much but a lot of people seem to think the title needs a change, so I'll probably have too;; I was going for an anime-like title, like 'For My Daughter, I Might Even Be Able to Defeat the Demon King' or an anime/manga like that but I guess it comes off as a crackfic's title.
4) Does it really seem to be going to fast? damn. I'll work on that but I still have to introduce the rest of the main six(on a personal level, not just as background characters), the rest of the suspects, the third main character/love interest, the apple family(they play a fairly big role in it) and fluttershy's dead friends, and also write in the motive of the killer, the motive of Fluttershy, the main antagonist, the secondary antagonist, and the main mechanic of ghosts. With all things considered, I'm moving painfully slow but I do have the attention span of a goldfish with a brain injury so idk ^w^

Now, things I did on purpose;
1) Ok so Spirit. it almost seems like Rainbow has an unreasonable grudge against the guy right? like maybe.. idk.. she's in love with his girlfriend? (I gotta find a way to write this better, i thought I made it obvious but eh I'm not the best at writing)
2) and Fluttershy. It really doesn't seem like something Fluttershy would ask. Fluttershy would never want to hurt a creature, even if she knew the afterlife was fine. It's incredibly out of character for her to ask for somepony to be killed. ....Let's just say that there's a reason I made sure the main character was to dumb to suspect anything. (fufu i wanna say more but that'd be spoilersss;;;;;;;;)

Also holy shit, I'll go grab the holy water, hopefully an exorcism will save it (lol)
thanks again for the reveiw~

6713747
Well, if you are married to that type of title the thing I would suggest would be to try to write a second story or change this one up a little. As me and others have noted, the title is something you would find in a more light-hearted story. A good thing example would be this for a story; "I Married My Hitman, And Now We Have Kids" seems very easy going and sounds more like a slice of life story while "The Hitman I Married" could be for a serious story, a funny one, or a romance, and finally, the title "The Stranger I Married" sounds more gritty and would be perfect for a mystery/drama. If you absolutely want to keep the title their needs to be more levity, ponies need to be less serious. The Fluttershy section is perfect for a goofier story as she is so casual about a homicide.

As for the speed, I have a quick little equation I use to tell me what the pacing is for a section or story: words/events that take place/unit of time (events are major plot points). So let's take your story into consideration (7821 words)/(3 events)/(2 days)[flutershy dies, Rainbow is told to kill, Rainbow is almost raped] and compare it to a story I recommend, Threshold, (25226 words)/(7 events)/(4 days). These numbers tell me how long a day lasts word wise, how many events per day, and how long between events in a day it takes for the next one to happen. [How about I show you also how to overcompensate with my own story A New Life: (56752 words)/(9 events)/(2 days){for the shits and giggles}

Your story: 2607 words between events, 1.5 events per day, 1304 words per event per day
Threshold: 3604 words between events, 1. 75 events per day, 901 words per event per day
A New Life: 6306 words between events, 4.5 events per day, 3152 words per event per day

As you can see, there is less time taken between events, about the length of two pages in word. This means that things are happening faster. These numbers might be a little confusing so let me explain. The longer the distance between events the slower the pacing, but, the fewer words per event per day creates the flow. In other words, w/e is how long we have to wait for an event to occur, w/e/d is how long it feels like it took. If you look at it your story and my story both have values of 0.5 when it comes to how long it takes things to get going while Threshold has a value of 0.25, twice as fast. But wait, I hear you say, you said it was too fast, now you are telling me it is too slow, what is it? That's where the third value comes in. Your story has the slow pacing of my story, but not enough is happening, making the story feel rushed. [1.5/.5=3] [1.75/.25=7] [4.5/.5=9]

1-5; Not enough is happening. In shorter stories this makes things feel rushed as too little is happening in the time given, in longer ones this means that nothing is going on.
6-10; where you want to be.
11+; too much is going on. This leads to the audience being too energized and burning them out.

6713915
omg that's super helpful! Thank you ^^ as for the title, I'm gonna try to think of something a bit more serious, thanks for the advice on that as well