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Loganberry
Group Admin

Welcome to the inaugural Flashfic 150 contest, everyone! Please go here to see the full rules. In brief: one entry per person, max 150 words, post entries as comments in this thread, no Mature-rated entries, no crossovers except Equestria Girls, usual site rules apply.

Remember, there is no prize, as such, for this contest -- but if you win, you will be able to choose the prompt for the May contest. You'll also get a mention on the group's front page, which I'm sure will be the absolute highlight of your month. :unsuresweetie:

Prompt: "Getting Warmer"
Closing date: Friday 21st April 2017, 11:59 pm UK time (world clock)

Entries are now open! Have fun!

5883631 My Entry

As she looked upon the memento in her possession, the ends of Twilight lips rose up with a smile.

Despite the time of year was deep in the cold of winter, the bond she shared with the one she loves to call her ‘younger brother’ made the chilling temperature all but meaningless.

Spike placed a gentle claw on his elder sisters’ back, grabbing her attention away from the picture she loved to keep looking at every year.

“Happy Hearth’s Warming.” Spike chimed happily with a bright smile.

Twilight wrapped him into her loving embrace as she smiled warmly. The two of them looked at the picture. There, in front of a fire, were the two of them, their parents and their older brother.

“Happy Hearth’s Warming.” Twilight replied gently.

The whole hearted love the two shared for each other over the years helped them keep their bond stronger and warmer.

I have checked. Bang on 150 words. Good luck to everyone else. Be honest though, mine is rubbish, isn't it?

5883631

Alright, here's my entry. It's about Octavia, btw.

I look for my name on the list. Oh boy, I’m last. Why would they have to put me last? Oh well, at least I’m not going first. Man do I pity the poor colt who is.
Only three before me now. Is anyone else feeling warm? They should open a window. My hands can’t stop shaking. How am I supposed to play the cello now?
My turn. Ok, just focus your breathing and you’ll be fine.


I look across the crowd, all of them have tears in their eyes. Are those because of how awful I sounded? Wait a second, they’re stamping their hooves for me. And there’s a light coming from behind me. My cutie mark! I finally got it! It’s… a treble clef mark? That doesn’t make sense, I play in bass clef. Oh well, MY BUCKING CUTIE MARK!!!

Might as well:

The wind whistled through the leaves of the trees as Applejack wandered through the Orchard.

It was winter. The leaves and fruit of the trees were long gone, and with the snow and ice the animals disappeared as well.

Applejack often wondered whether the animals would return, whether life would return to the orchard once more. Many ponies tell her not to worry, that winter is harmless. However, to Applejack, the Orchard is, and always has been, her life.

Applejack looked around as she strolled through the lines of barren trees. She saw nothing but snow and ice.

Yet then, suddenly, she spotted something. Something burried in the snow. Applejack rushed towards it, digging as fast as her hooves allowed her to.

As the warm sunlight engulfed Applejack, she held in her hooves a thing so common, yet so special to her.

A healthy, red apple.

Had a bit of trouble getting it below the 150 words limit, but I got it to 146 in the end.

A cold wind ran against Scootaloo’s back.

She instantly held her blanket tight as the shivers dragged her halfway between her dreams and consciousness. But it wasn’t an alien situation for her.

How many times had this already happened, since she escaped from the orphanage? How many nights had the weather been a threaten for her? And how many times did she bear the cold alone, curled inside her little box hidden in the subways?

But this time, something different happened.

Somepony walked in and shut the window closed.

That was when Scootaloo remembered. She wasn’t in the open, she was in a room. Her room.

And she wasn't alone.

Behind her, Dash snuck under the blanket and inside her bed. Then, a couple of hooves embraced her and she could feel the cyan fur pressed against her. She felt a kiss. And she felt warm.

Yes, I know, this has been INCREDIBLY over-used.
But I couldn't help it.
I just did the match: warm and ponies --> love --> fur --> snuggles --> Scootaloo needs love.
And I couldn't undo it.
P.S. I would have finished sooner if I didn't have to make it this short.

How long has it been? Hundreds? Thousands?

Celestia didn’t know. All she knew was that she was alive, somehow. Even as the days turned to years, the years to eons, and beyond, she remained unchanging.

The world around her is dead, long since gone. No life left to live, and to think, it just seemed like yesterday that she was here with her little ponies, helping them live their lives under her warm sun.

Nopony saw it, perhaps, except for Luna—poor Luna. She didn’t want to think about it, but she was right.

Every year that passed, the sun grew hotter, more humid. At first they were grateful. Harvests grew strong, and Celestia, herself, denied fears for the strength it brought.

But then it kept going.

Fields died, oceans boiled, soon the ponies, and eventually the dragons.

They were gone.

All that remained was she, weeping tears of flame.

SweetAI Belle convinced me to give this a try, so here you go. :twilightsmile:

My original idea was of the CMC fighting a Scoota-saures Rex, but that ran over and I realised there was a prompt, so I switched and tried something else.

Here's my entry. I hope you all enjoy it! :pinkiesmile:

"Cold"

Strawberry Sorbet had been cold natured as long as he could remember, and being forced to walk the streets alone at night did not help one bit.

The only time he ever felt any warmth was when he was enjoying a hot meal. However, food was difficult to come by these days as most ponies had moved away from his hometown.

Sorbet had been fortunate today, managing to grab some food at a shelter he had run across.

Sorbet savored this rare meal. The food itself was nothing special, having the consistency of rubbery oatmeal with an iron taste, but it was hot, and for that he was grateful. As each bite slid down into his belly, it radiated warmth throughout his cold body. It was so wonderful, he barely noticed the accusing look in the dead eyes of the pony whose brain he was eating staring up at him.

5883631
Hello, I'd like to submit the following thingy. :twilightsmile:

Warm, Warmer, Warmest

Sacré bleu, now she’s done it!

Fleur didn’t mind winter, nor did she mind her daughter’s shenanigans in the snow, but she wasn’t exactly a fan of those barging in on her perfectly waxed floors. For the third time this week she got home to witness wet boots scattered around, jacket hung on the doorknob and earmuffs thrown into an umbrella stand. Was her husband so busy today he couldn’t spare a second to keep their filly from wreaking havoc?

But what’s that? Fancy’s own ensemble put down rather carelessly too? Oh, they weren’t getting away with it this time!

With a tirade prepped on her lips, Fleur followed the trail of clothing to the kitchen where the two culprits were—and where Chestnut was quick to offer her a steaming cup.

“Cocoa?”

Fleur sighed. For the third time this week, she had no choice but to forgive it all.

Loganberry
Group Admin

Thanks for the entries so far, everyone. A little over 45 hours left before this month's contest closes. As you were! :twilightsmile:

Please remember that entries close at 11.59pm UK time.

The Race
The pegasi wings beat furiously as they tore through the sky. Both wore an express of deep concentration. One more loop around the clocktower and race over. A gaggle of ponys cheering on their class mates as they raced frantically to prove who was the best. The purple filly taking the inside around the spire turned sharply too sharply. Wing grazed tile sending her Into a series of bumps and tumbles finally ending on the grass yard. Those watching gasped shocked which soon subsided as dazed she slowly picked herself up. As the rest crowded round the winner she sighed flexing her wing a little looking sad. Behind her a voice piped up from a rainbow haired pegasus.
"Wow that was an awesome race. Want to go again? I can help your cornering no sweat. Yeah I used to crash like that too. Your getting warmer though kid" 

Burning Up
by Trick Question


Three little alicorn sisters played together in the caverns of Tartarus.

The game was hide-and-peek. Theia was "the hider", Luna was "the peeker", and Celestia was "the finder".

"You're getting warmer," said Luna, as Celestia stepped past a crevasse.

"You said that when I went the other way!" whined Celestia.

Hidden in a narrow tunnel beneath the surface, Theia suppressed a giggle.

"Now you're colder," said Luna.

Celestia frowned. There were too many shadows to see well in here. She gripped a familiar object with her magic and pulled it into the caves. Luna shielded her eyes as her sister moved the Sun around.

"Warmer!" said Luna. "You're hot!"

The Sun hovered near the entrance to Theia's tunnel, then pressed against it.

"You're burning up!"

There was a faint screaming sound, followed by silence.

"Oops," said Celestia.

Two little alicorn sisters played together in the caverns of Tartarus.

"Trends"

“Hmmm…” Rarity said, scratching her chin.

Normally, she would’ve simply made these garments herself, rather than buying. But this was one of Coco Pommel’s designs, and supporting a friend was worth every bit. And this cotton was so soft—softer than any Rarity had in stock. She simply had to ask Coco where it was from.

The only question was, which color? There were a dozen options that complemented Rarity’s mane and coat, of course. But what of the rest of her wardrobe? Autumn was still months away, so who could guess what colors would be “in” when cold weather finally arrived? How could she buy accessories to fit into an ensemble that she couldn’t possibly predict yet? How…

Rarity smiled wryly. She couldn’t predict the trends, but she could certainly make them.

She grabbed a full set of leg warmers—sky blue color—then trotted off to the cash register.

148 words.

I regret nothing.

Rarity waved a pair of socks at me hopefully.

I sighed. Never bring your sister along clothes shopping. At least, with a sister like Rarity.

She'd been all about wanting to make my clothes at first. That's not really a bad thing, but you don't really want all your clothes to be your sisters, and they should be stuff you like.

Still, I humored her. I tried on the socks, the mittens, the scarf, and the ear muffs, plus various legwarmers, even when my legs were starting to get tired, and all the clothes were turning into a blur. Then, finally, it was time to head to the checkout.

"Are you sure?" Rarity said, pulling out a pair of lime green legwarmers.

I nodded. They were warm. Bugging Rarity was just a bonus.

Still, things could have been worse. Imagine if our trip was gonna be more than three days?

Not what I'd originally intended, and I didn't even notice the story right above me was about Rarity and legwarmers too until I was ready to post. Still, 150 words!

Rarity and legwarmers do kinda go together.

--Sweetie Belle

I'll throw my hat in the ring! I didn't see a restriction about not writing something connected to an existing story, so I did a little prequel blurb to my long-running fic, To Serve In Hell. I've had this on my mind for quite a while. The prompt connection is... well, Hell is pretty warm, right? :pinkiecrazy:

Hell Awaits

Princess Celestia stood resting her hooves on the railing of her high balcony and watched as shadows from the setting sun rushed to overtake Canterlot. She didn't move as hoofsteps approached from behind and a pony cleared their throat.

“Princess,” said the hushed voice of her secretary, Raven. “You should get some rest. We must be up early for the Summer Sun Celebration.”

Celestia didn't turn. “Do you remember Sunset Shimmer?”

“...Indeed.”

“I know she was… troubled. But she had so much potential.”

“I know you’ve missed her.”

Celestia sighed. “So very much potential, Raven. The day ahead isn't one I’d hoped to face alone.”

“But Princess, you won't be. We’ll be together, in Ponyville.”

Celestia watched as the sun fell below the horizon. The stars nearest the mare-marked moon shone brightly.

“No,” she said. “Remain in Canterlot. If the sun is late in rising… have the mirror smashed. Immediately.”

Growing Radiance

Walking with Fleur filled me with dread. All that made me distinctive would be summarily outclassed, like a star daring to share the sky with the sun. My failures were never simple mistakes – as she would say, our beauty comes to be as that of fine crafted jewelry.

My thoughts lost on her, I took a step that was just perfect, and she chided me with a barely broken sway of her tail, the crooked lift of an eyebrow. It was all the reminder I needed, that to be too perfect was to break the illusion of nature. But she was born into gorgeousness, with me just the stumbling pretender.

Yet as we strutted on, I could distinctly feel a pair or eyes linger, if but for a moment that was all mine, to the right of where I’d expect mine to be.

It would do – for now.

5883631
Written on a mobile device so I cannot count words; hopefully, this is under the ceiling...

"Sunset, your tail is on fire."

"Princess Celestia," she snapped, "please!"

Sunset had endured enough criticism today. Sunset, you are slouching, and Sunset, your mane needs brushing. On and on they came, part of propriety crash-course for a banquet honouring some visiting dignitary. They made her blood boil, those little barbs.

So maybe her manners weren't princess-perfect. So maybe her magic went a little wild when she was upset. So what? It's not like she wanted to be at the dinner anyway.

Her nose pricked. "Is something..." She looked down, following a coil of smoke. "Ack! My tail's on fire!"

Loganberry
Group Admin

A couple of things I can answer factually here:

5915655

I didn't see a restriction about not writing something connected to an existing story,

It's not banned, no -- as long as your submission is understandable without any knowledge of that other story.

5915792

hopefully, this is under the ceiling...

Yes, it's well under the limit.

Three hours left, everyone!

5883631
Well then, here's my short and sweet entry:

Inside Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie worked with her usual abundance of cheer as she placed the tray of chocalate chip cookies in the oven.  There they would stay while she worked on other tasty treats to have for the weekly Pony Pet Playdate picnic with Gummy and all of her best friends, plus their own animal companions.

Soon enough, her unique Pinkie sense let her know with a little twich at the tip of her mane and a little itch on her nose that the cookies were at just the right temperature to take out of the oven and still be warm and tasty by the time everypony gathered together.

I rather like flashfiction, and writing it is a good exercise in getting the most out of every word, since you don't have any to spare. It's not as hard to write ones that are just a scene. The real difficulty lies in telling a complete story arc, with tension created and resolved. Difficult, but possible. 150 words is very tight, but here goes, 150 words exactly:

Second Draft

“I think that’s all,” Sweetie Belle said, stashing away her notepad.

“Anytime,” Princess Celestia replied. She squinted. “Something wrong?”

“Well…” Sweetie Belle glanced down. “It’s just an interview. For a dumb school project. If I wasn’t Rarity’s sister—”

“I’d make time for you anyway.”

Maybe. Sweetie Belle still couldn’t look up.

But Celestia leaned in. “Share my thoughts,” she said, touching their horns together.

Warm, like a blanket, wrapped tight, but not suffocating. Free, liberating in its closeness. Sweetie Belle loved her little ponies, all of them, so much it hurt. Her heart throbbed to… to see them fulfill their wonderful, unlimited potential!

She awoke, trembling, with a broad, fierce smile. “I can’t stop crying!” she whispered.

“I know.” Celestia hugged her.

“Can’t stop, can’t stop…”

“I know.”

Sweetie Belle returned the hug, her notes now useless as she considered how to word her new report so everypony might know.

Her Test by randome284

I have disappointed Her again. She gave me The Test again, and I failed again. She believed in me. But she was wrong to think I could do it.

I pass every test She gives me. Every test except for this one. I try my hardest every time I take it.

Every time I take The Test, I keep getting warmer, closer to knowing answer to this test.

I know that the answer is in me, somewhere deep within me. I know that one day I'll find the answer to The Test and please Her.

But until I've found the answer, I will continue to disappoint Her. The disappointed look on Her face will haunt me until I pass.

I know the answer's almost here.

When I finally pass, I know She'll see me make the sunset shimmer and be pleased.

Just got home and typed this up. I already wrote it at school, but only just typed it. Seems like I can get a lot done in half an hour, with basketballs hitting my head every ten seconds. :rainbowlaugh: It was so hard not to go beyond 150 words, but I managed to make 145. I think you can guess what's going on by the last sentence, revealing Sunset Shimmer is telling this, back when she was Celestia's pupil. Tia was trying to get her to raise the sun, but Sunset couldn't do it. That's 'the test' and 'she' is Tia. And the 'answer' made Sunset think she was better than everypony when it came, since she disappointed Celestia for so long. That led to the movie's stuff and ya... This was back about thirty years or so, since I assume human time works differently than Equestrian time.

5916095 Thank you much! Hopefully this isn't bad form, but I've edited mine just now. A primary reason was to respond to some feedback about it; an additional reason was to make it a little less dependent on the other story.

5915792 Kwirky, yours has my vote. :heart:

Loganberry
Group Admin

Time's up! Submissions are now closed. (No further editing allowed, either.)

Thank you to everyone who entered! There have been 18 entries, which is nice. I'm particularly pleased to see that some are from people who haven't published on this site before. I was really hoping that would happen. :yay:

I will announce the winning fic in this thread on Tuesday 24th 25th April. I'll make the post a reply to all the submissions, so you'll get an alert when it happens.

Comments are now open for feedback on stories, should you wish to offer or request it. (From other members, not from me.) If you have something you want to say about the administration/format/future of Flashfic 150 in general, that's probably more suited to the Rules/Q&A thread.

Thanks again for taking part!

5916564 Tuesday is the 25th.

Loganberry
Group Admin

5916718 Oops! Corrected. I mean Tuesday 25th.

I'm sure I've really inspired confidence in everyone now! :pinkiecrazy:

5915792
I knew a pony's ears could prick, but noses? I am not convinced of erect pony noses at this juncture.

Since Loganberry opened the floor for feedback, I might as well give some. Short stories, so there won't be a lot to say anyway.

5883631 I recommend you hold off reading this or any other review posts until you've made your own judgments. I wouldn't want to influence your thoughts, unless you're feeling conflicted about something and want to get another perspective.

5885293 This isn't rubbish at all. As I alluded to in the preamble to my own entry, it's difficult, but not impossible, to tell a complete story in such a short word count. I suspect I'll be saying this about a lot of the entries, since it takes some experience with flashfiction to get a handle on that and pick a premise that you actually can explore within that limit.

Here, we have a lovely scene, showing obvious signs of affection between the two, and that already puts you ahead of stories that would be happy just saying they love each other instead of demonstrating it. And demonstration usually takes more words, so it ups the difficulty level, but you've got that here. You did have some word count that could have been better allocated, like the repetition of "the two of them" in consecutive sentences without any thematic impact to doing so. And yes, this is a scene, not a story, since there's no character growth or conflict, but again, that's not unusual for the kinds of entries flashfiction contests get. The writing quality is fine. If you can find a way to have a full story arc that makes a point, then you'll have all the elements that go into the best flashfiction. Give it a try on the next one of these and see if you can make that last step.

5885936 You come across like someone who's gone through auditions before. I used to do that a lot, and yes, the ideal spots are usually around 7-20 or so. Too early, and the judges don't have a basis for comparison yet, so it's harder to stand out, and the more auditions they hear, they may tend to forget you. But too late, and the judges are just fatigued and not as attentive.

Anyway. You mention her hands shaking, so I figured this was EqG Octavia, yet you go on to say the audience is stamping hooves for applause, so probably just a careless slip there. I like the little dig at having a treble clef (actually, the way it's shaped, it may well be an ampersand), but that kind of shifts the focus from Octavia's story of success to a comedy, even a little on the meta side, and I don't think that's serving you well. Plus the use of "bucking" can turn off some readers, but YMMV. I'm not doing word counts for these, so I don't know if you're under the limit, but I'd guess you are. Octavia's lack of confidence here is relatable, and I think you had space to play it up a little more. Like I said, you, and correspondingly her, seem to be experienced with auditions, but hasn't she done well in them before? It's not like she's suddenly a good player, but maybe this is the year she finally devoted much time to it. Details like that help flesh out her situation and character. So when she has this triumph over being her own worst critic, don't shift the focus over to her just being happy she got her cutie mark. Maybe even having it as a cutie mark story wasn't the best choice, since it's too short a story to have it be both, and that character growth of her self-image is what makes this a story versus just being a scene of her getting her cutie mark. So, this is one of my favorites, since it feels very genuine and introduces a real conflict, but it's a little unfocused.

5886096 This one has a number of editing errors, and that's pretty low-hanging fruit to fix, particularly when we had weeks to write something so short. There is a struggle going on, of Celestia trying to learn her power, but if she doesn't have her cutie mark yet, how does her mother knows she's supposed to have that talent? So, points for introducing a real conflict, but that's downplayed in favor of having fluff and ending on a joke, when it wasn't a comedic story to that point. And note that it's usually not good practice to point out that you told a joke, unless it's one so steeped in subtleties or jargon that the audience isn't likely to get it. And in that case, it's a good idea to have the characters not get it, either, so it's a character explaining it, not the narrator. But it's just a simple pun, so if you still do want to end on that, let it stand on its own without explanation, or only indicate it was a joke through the other characters' reaction to it. I'd also recommend having a couple more jokes in there, so it's consistently a comedy.

5886142 I have to think this is filly Applejack. Only a kid would truly wonder if the animals will ever come back, and quite a young one at that, so you ought to do something up front to establish so. Otherwise, this doesn't quite make sense that an adult would still think these things. Well, that's not exactly true. Adults still say things like that as exaggerations (will this meeting ever end?), but it has to be clear they are exaggerations, and I can't tell that here. For that matter, how is she finding an apple in the snow on a bare tree? They're not going to produce apples until well after they've grown their leaves for the year. So there's a logical inconsistency going on, too. There's a real sentiment, though, and I like all the imagery of things being barren and dead, and her finding this one sign of life in the middle of it all. There actually are a fair number of these entries that take on a full story arc, and you have one here through her feeling down about the dead orchard then finding life again. I'd just recommend you figure out how to have an apple there when the tree would be dormant, and decide when this takes place. If it's adult Applejack, make it clear she's taking this situation more rhetorically and not so literally, or if it's filly Applejack, establish that up front.

5886260 Well, you said it yourself. This is well-trod ground, and there's nothing new here. A couple editing issues, too. There's definitely an audience for Scootalove fluff, so it's not like you couldn't get plenty of readers with it. I don't actually have a lot to say about it, because it's exactly what it appears to be. But you've made Scootaloo's situation so over-the-top that it loses authenticity. Not only was she in an orphanage, but she left (presumably because life was so terrible there) to go live by herself on the streets. That's what we call "piling on," and adding more and more sad circumstances is usually counterproductive. As they say, "Less is more." Just one hard circumstance in Scootaloo's life would be plenty to have her need Dash, not three. Plus that ending of Dash climbing into bed with her can easily come across as creepy. You could trade off all that talk about so many things that have gone wrong in Scootaloo's life in order to give her some character growth. Show how she's overcome all that, not just been removed from it, and focus on how she's changed as a person. Then you'll go from maudlin scene to full character piece.

5901829 Your opening line already has me confused. Hundreds or thousands of what? Years, presumably, but then have it say so. Instead of "How long has it been?" try "How many years?" Presumably none of the other alicorns could survive this because only Celestia has that affinity for the sun that makes her immune to its damage? This does invite a lot of questions. Like if she has the power to raise and lower the sun, can't she push it further away? And what of Discord? Is the planet even there anymore, or is she hovering in space, maybe having been engulfed by the sun? It's going to be really tough to get enough user buy-in for Celestia's despair in such a short word count, so it has to rely on pretty obvious ones, like losing her sister. One thing I frequently tell writers is that examples speak far louder than generalities. So you say how her sister is gone, her ponies, the dragons, etc., but that's hanging out there as a fact. Let me see one of those happen as she experienced it, and it'll get me a whole lot more invested in her feelings about it. This'll get back to the theme of having a complete story arc I've been harping on. Here, we get the aftermath of the conflict and don't see the conflict itself. That said, it's a mechanic that's been used successfully before, since it can imply what the conflict was and how it played out, but that's a tricky business. Something like Cold in Gardez's "Lost Cities" is a good way to imply a lot through the remaining evidence of it. Still, there's a good atmosphere here, and the imagery is evocative. It'd just carry more power as "this is how the situation changed Celestia" than "this is the bad thing that happened to her." You're on the verge of that already.

5911269 This is going to be a very polarizing kind of entry. It doesn't tell a story. Sorbet isn't struggling over what he's doing, and we don't see any development of his character. The entertainment value is completely tied up in the twist, and some readers will find that more effective than others, so you'll live and die (heh) by that, versus a story that has a lot going on in it. I will say the switcheroo is effective, as you paint a nice visual of him and his situation, making him out to be a homeless pony. So, up until the twist, there's great characterization. It just doesn't go anywhere, and the story's value will entirely be determined by how much the reader likes that twist, since it pretty much invalidates all that early characterization, i.e., it undoes all that had me rooting for him. So as a purely twist piece, I have to say it's a good one, but it's a tough kind of story to do well, since it almost exclusively appeals to a niche audience instead of having something for everyone.

5913072 Ah, nice characterization here. It comes through not just in what Fleur says, but how she says it as well. It's inconsistent with the verb tenses. Her complaints seem a little scattered, too. It's impossible not to track in anything, so the one about her perfectly waxed floors feels like nitpicking, while having everything strewn about is more relatable. I think she'd still get after Fancy Pants, since he should know better, especially since you explicitly say this is a recurring thing, but forgiving the kid is much easier. And asking him to please keep things tidy doesn't mean she doesn't forgive him, yet she becomes a little unsympathetic in never doing something about it. If he doesn't know it's irritating her, then silently fuming about it doesn't accomplish anything. So it'd be nice to see him at least be put on notice so he actually shares some of the blame, but otherwise, this is a really cute piece that does tell a complete story. Another of my favorites.

5914791 I presume this is Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo? In one sense, I guess it doesn't matter who the characters are, though if it's them, it adds some context. A number of editing problems here. I like the idea that Dash isn't so caught up in winning that she immediately wants to help Scootaloo afterward. However, I'm not sure why a race between those two would draw that much of an audience, especially who must not all know her, since nobody else rushes to help her. I also wonder if Dash wouldn't let Scootaloo win. Either way, this is a nice insight to their sister-like relationship, and there is a little character growth tucked in there.

5914891 I'm not sure that second paragraph was necessary. Just having it be a finding game would be enough. On a visual note, all but one of your paragraphs are a single line, and more importantly, many are a single sentence. I know flashfics often do that, since thoughts have to be kept short, but a story can look odd that way, and it can be evidence that you're skimping on description a bit too much. Still, it's a cute bait-and-switch, something I've done before, and it's another kind of thing that'll really polarize an audience. It's good in a funny way, but also means these characters are awfully flippant about the death of a sister, so it can be hard to buy into that. Usually, this kind of twist works best if it's still consistent with established characterization. Like in a comedic sense, say Chyrsalis had been charged with babysitting these three. I could see her being this flippant and trying to sweep it under the rug, but Celestia and Luna... This is kind of like the earlier twist fic, where the entire story lives and dies by how effective the reader finds the twist, and this one in particular takes some additional suspension of disbelief for the characterization. For readers who like this kind of dark turn, it's well-written, and they'd probably love it. I'm on the fence, since this kind of thing is only occasionally my cup of tea, though how much I liked it is of course a very different thing than how good it is. I think it would have helped if the story felt more consistent. Your first and last lines create the feel of a children's story, and it's a little easier to get away with this audacious shift in that format, but the middle is more of a standard narrative.

5915105 The narrative voice suits Rarity well. I find myself a tad confused, though. Why not buy directly from Coco? That'd put more profit in Coco's hooves and possibly cost Rarity less. Plus she's starting setting her colors choices a couple seasons ahead in the show, so I think she'd carry a little more confidence in being able to do so here. If there's a significance to what color she did choose, it's lost on me, unless you're trying to hint at a little Raridash. Interesting two people chose leg warmers, since there are lots of kinds of clothes that will make you warmer. It kind of stops before making a point, so it doesn't resolve any tension or show character growth, but it's a nice low-stakes character moment.

5915299 Like the last one, this has nice character moments, and it helps that two are present so that I can see them interact. It does take a bit of a left turn, as it first seems just like a regular shopping session. It's not until the last line that it becomes apparent they're shopping for a trip. Normally, Sweetie Belle tries to seek Rarity's approval with her clothing choices, so the antagonism is a different angle, though one that's going to be hard to explain in a story this short, so I guess I'll just go with preteen rebelliousness? Anyway, this is a good character moment with a bit of a comic twist at the end, but it's another scene-not-story one. You do have a penchant for limited narrator voicing.

5915655 There's good character work and tension created here, but for resolving that tension, it opts for an open ending, which of course can save word count, but it actually takes word count to achieve an open ending as well, so that it invests the possible options with their own pluses and minuses. There's an art to open endings, and it's basically 1) set out what outcomes there can be, 2) establish what good and bad will result from each, 3) make sure each option is viable, either because the character might choose it or might not be able to prevent it. Anyway, this suffers a bit for being a prequel to an AU. I've read it, so I know what's going on, and it even took me a minute to figure things out. The natural reaction is going to be wondering where Twilight is. It's also a bit ambiguous as to whether Celestia wanted the mirror shattered to protect Sunset from Nightmare Moon or because she didn't want the possibility of having to deal with an evil Sunset at the same time. So, all that is to say that I don't know how much the average reader is going to get out of this, but I liked it, and the writing quality is there.

5915763 I assume the narrator is supposed to be Fancy Pants? Just because of his association with Fleur, I guess so, but he's never named, and more to the point, none of his narration points to any personality, history, circumstances, etc., that would tend to identify him in an implicit manner. There is a lot of nice characterization going on, that this narrator feels overshadowed by Fleur and revels in the moment he (she?) gets a tiny piece of the attention for a change. But if we look at their canon appearance, Fancy Pants is very confident and collected, while Fleur is the one tagging along after him. To change that dynamic so completely is certainly possible, but it takes drawing me a dotted line from the canon one to explain why it's different now than it was then, or why there was more to it that the canon one showed. Not knowing who this is leaves things a bit vague to get invested in, and from that standpoint, what's here actually works a bit better if that's the case. If it is Fancy Pants, it would have been nice to see that dichotomy of how his outward behavior didn't match what was going on inside, and how Fleur isn't the hanger-on she appeared to be. So while I felt confused about who the character was, and assuming it was supposed to be Fancy Pants, felt a disconnect from him, the sentence-level writing is very well done, and the narrative voice is nicely engaging.

5915792 This is more than the single-joke story it seems to be at first, as there is some tension built between Celestia and Sunset, yet Sunset's growing dissatisfaction with Celestia is played in a comedic light. So she reflexively discounts anything Celestia says as more nagging, until she realizes the truth of it, though it does beg the question of how her tail caught on fire. This also plays well as an open ending. Given canon, we do know their relationship only continues to go downhill, but without that, one could envision a Sunset learning that Celestia has her best interests at heart, Sunset's letting her attitude blind her to the world around her, etc. Very nicely played, and this is probably my favorite entry.

5916263 Here's another one that plays more as a scene than a story. There's no significance or lasting effect that this happened, and it's even a tad misleading. Since you chose to focus on this as a pet play date, it set that up as a basis for what would follow, but it didn't end up mattering. She could have been baking for anything, and it would have turned out the same. So it's a nice little fluff scene of Pinkie using her special senses to do some baking, but it's nothing of consequence, which is the kind of thing I'm looking for. But if that's all you wanted it to be, then no harm done.

5916453 What is this crap?

5916477 Like some others, this one has a number of editing problems. The last line is easily the best one, but it's not clear what it means. We don't know what talent Sunset has from canon, and this implies it actually has something to do with the sunset? It's hard to tell, and just tossing that in there, thinking the reader will understand it, is risky. Twilight wasn't given such a test, so there's nothing corresponding to it to use as context. It also plays coy with who the narrator is until the end, and it's not that shocking a twist. She's fairly obviously talking about Celestia, so there are only a few ponies it could be, and finding out who it is doesn't lead to an aha! moment that makes you re-interpret what's been happening. Still, the last line does capture her mindset very well, though what came before was very vague and kept saying the same things over again. Consider the delivery method as well. She must be very emotional about all this, but the tone of it sounds pretty bland. Let it match the passion of her mood, and it'll bring it alive.

5918077
Well, I did better than I expected. But what do you expect from someone who hasn't slept in over sixty hours, had a massive headache, was getting hit with basketballs very often, was in her depressive mood, and had a 150 word limit? :rainbowlaugh: I'll probably end up rewriting this sometime in the future, try to actually make it a thing. Thanks for the critique though.

5918077
Thanks for the feedback, Pascoite.

I based it on my experiences with Piano Recitals. I will concede that I made a little slip there, so... oops. I would have liked to include more details, but I was pushing the word limit already, and I didn't. I will, however, be sure to keep this in mind if I ever expand it.

5918077

>> SweetAI Belle Like the last one, this has nice character moments, and it helps that two are present so that I can see them interact. It does take a bit of a left turn, as it first seems just like a regular shopping session. It's not until the last line that it becomes apparent they're shopping for a trip. Normally, Sweetie Belle tries to seek Rarity's approval with her clothing choices, so the antagonism is a different angle, though one that's going to be hard to explain in a story this short, so I guess I'll just go with preteen rebelliousness? Anyway, this is a good character moment with a bit of a comic twist at the end, but it's another scene-not-story one. You do have a penchant for limited narrator voicing.

Thanks for the feedback! Oh, and Loganberry, don't read this until after you've done your judging... (Hopefully he just doesn't read anything below the entries until later.)

Scene verses story is gonna be pretty difficult on this, since it's a lot easier to write a scene then a story with this few words, and while I did manage to do a complete story in 100 words before, it left everything pretty bare bones otherwise.

One of the reasons why the end is such a left turn is that that literally occurred to me at the end of writing it, and while I probably should've added something to the beginning to indicate that it was for a trip, I was already at something like 165 words or so. I went slashing words and rephrasing things at the end to get it to work in 150 words. I could have scrapped that for an ending, but I was actually having a bit of trouble ending the scene otherwise... :unsuresweetie:

I can say that the reason why I chose leg warmers is that I was literally treating the prompt as "getting warmers"! And these particular ones were picked out because they were warmer than the other ones, practicality vs. fashion. I would have liked to have expanded more on that, but didn't really have time.

My first idea actually was to do a game of hot/cold, but I noticed it had already been done. If I'd noticed the one above it, I might've come up with a third idea, or just decided to wait until the next contest...

--Sweetie Belle

5918077
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate that. It's the first time I've ever written such a short piece with a word limit in mind, so I'm glad to hear it feels like a complete story (especially since it's rather strongly based on one of my bigger ones - I was afraid that introducing the character of Chestnut as a part of a family here would confuse the readers who haven't had a chance to read the other).

As for Fancy Pants and his account of what happened, well, here's hoping that upcoming prompts will let him to speak up!

5918077
Thanks for the feedback!

I see what you mean about the opening, however I believe it's suitable for the overall tone of the piece. It starts with Celestia asking how long it's been because she doesn't know. All we get is that it's long enough for her to start losing track, possibly even to the point that the passage of time has lost all meaning to her.

The mention of years is a little extra information I could put in and, if it weren't for the word limit, I would've definitely developed it a bit further with more visuals.

As it stands I'm satisfied with what I got for a first run at such a short word range.

5901829 This one is my personal favorite. It's original and tragic in a beautiful way.

5918077
The second para is necessary, I think. It introduces the names of the alicorns, which sets up the expectations of the reader since they're only familiar with two of them. It also provides context for the game.

I agree about the micro-paragraphing (I struggled with it when I was writing), but it ended up being necessary in order to have the first and last paras match properly.

I understand the OOC comment, but since these are little kids playing in Tartarus, I think there's enough of an alien mindset to make it work. I agree it'd be OOC if these were the characters we know (the adult alicorns). The contrast between children's literature and horrible thing is the main effect I was going for, which should be more unsettling than comedic, so that seems to have come through properly. :trollestia:

As for your suggestions (more descriptions, add a side plot with Chrysalis) I'm not skilled enough to add all that and keep it under 150 words.

I do appreciate the suggestions and review, however! :twilightsmile: Just trying to share why I didn't go the way you might have.

5918077
That makes sense! Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it! :twilightsmile:

==== Loganberry, this post contains critique of submissions. ====

I will be critiquing stories using my TAILS system, which rates different aspects of writing skill relative to one another, summing to a total of 20 points.
Original post explaining the system here

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : Typos, punctuation errors, &c.
Abstract (Clarity) : How well the story's intent is conveyed.
Impact (Consequence) : 'Significance' or memorability of the story--this can be more subjective than one would like.
Language (Congruence) : How well diction, phrasing, voice, dialect, &c. are used or abused.
Structure (Composition) : How well the story arc is constructed; how different elements of the story work to serve or detract from the narrative and one another.
Gestalt (Considered) : Subjective impression of the work's overall quality or strength.



5916477 Her Test

Technical (Correctness) : 6

Arguably, starting sentences with conjunctions ("But she was wrong to think..."), also missed a Definite Article with "She" there. Some commas just felt odd without being actual faults ("getting warmer, closer to"; "is in me, somewhere deep within")

Abstract (Clarity) : 5

Sunset Shimmer being upset about repeated failures. Given the capitalization of (most) pronouns, it made sense that Celestia was the tester, however selling this as Sunset Shimmer was odd with the pseudo name-drop in the last line.

Impact (Consequence) : 3

As this deals very heavily with the facts--and vaguely/indirectly at that--more than expression of feeling (anger? guilt? it isn't clear), this one doesn't really stick.

Language (Congruence) : 4

There is nothing exciting going on, but neither does it do anything wrong. Sentences are simple, to the point, use straightforward language--all things one may expect from someone mildly upset. However, there is no use of imagery, creative metaphor (excluding prompt-drop and name-drop), or otherwise ingenuity with words. Voice is consistent.

Structure (Composition) : 2

One-beat story with the reveal at the end. Problem happening here is that the reader is left in suspense for who is talking and exactly why for too long. The payoff is only in the final line, where we know (probably) who we should be connecting with. Similarly, the nature of the test is a non-starter, which can be argued to detract as the reader is forced to ask what is the test and it is never exactly answered Though, with some reading into the ending, something about controlling the sun?.

Gestalt (Considered) : Mediocre



5916453Second Draft

Technical (Correctness) : 6

A few very minor niggles:
* "Warm ... wrapped tight" may be better as 'warmth'?
* Exclamation point as a whisper is strange "'... crying!' she whispered." Comma in may or may not be a fault "Can't stop, can't stop..."

Abstract (Clarity) : 2

It isn't clear what this story is about. We start with a scene setting up Sweetie concluding an interview with Celestia, where Sweetie admits feeling privileged and/or undeserving of Celestia's time, at which point Celestia 'shares her thoughts' and Sweetie becomes overwhelmed with love and reflects how incomplete her interview was. Is this about Celestia's immense love for everypony? Is this about Sweetie?

Impact (Consequence) : 4

Impact suffers from (my) confusing in Abstract. It is a nice vignette showing the depth of Celestia's connection with her little ponies, but showing it in this way (first in a simple deed, then vicariously) feels conflicted. (This category is bolstered by my recollection of a passage from one Optimalverse story, paraphrased "...if every single atom of my trillions of circuits were stamped with word 'love', it would still be inadequate to express how deeply I care for all my little ponies.", so there's that...)

Language (Congruence) : 6

Sentence fragments used conscientiously, warm(th) that can wrap and liberate, general active verbiage--this is solid light prose.

Structure (Composition) : 2

See Abstract.

Gestalt (Considered) : Strong



5916263
Technical (Correctness) : 6

Faultless.

Abstract (Clarity) : 4

Pinkie in the kitchen, making treats for her friends; pure slice-of-life. Unfortunately, the only thing that happens and is not context is physically placing the cookies in the oven and waiting.

Impact (Consequence) : 2

The emotional connections are present, but very understated: "best friends"; "weekly ... picnic"; "everypony gathered together". Emphasizing the importance of her actions (raising the stakes) would go a long way to strengthen this. As is, it's just a little picture and not very memorable.

Language (Congruence) : 4

Simple but serviceable. Being 'Pinkie Sense', calling attention to it being unique may be extraneous. Not much to say, about this, really.

Structure (Composition) : 4

This is a painting, and that's okay. Nothing contradicts anything else.

Gestalt (Considered) : Appreciable



5915792
Technical (Correctness) : 4

Should probably be "part of a propriety crash-course..." Otherwise, no apparent faults.

Abstract (Clarity) : 4

A frustrated, impetuous Sunset mistakes Celestia's genuine concern for nagging. Context is built, emotional tenor stalwart and supported, and there's this absurd little scene.

Impact (Consequence) : 4

Who hasn't been upset with someone's (perceived) nagging, and the turns between actual and perceived provide wonderful schadenfreude.

Language (Congruence) : 4

Repeated "Sunset, you..." sells Celestia's consistency; "So maybe... So what" builds and breaks a similar pattern. Mixed metaphor of 'barbs' 'mak(ing) blood boil'. Critisism is endured. Alliteration in "princess-perfect", "blood boil". ( 5917639 ) Image of 'nose pricking' is a strange one, but it serves the same idea--borrowing from 'ears pricking'; alternatives come up short: 'twitch' lacks the inquisitive eagerness; 'perk (up)' is even more bizarre and has the worst of both preceding; 'sniff' would be most direct, but is far weaker.

Structure (Composition) : 4

Back-and-forth between real and perceived (and context) is handled well. The snap is immediately explained, "endured criticism", launching into the day's context as well as personal context. ( 5918077 ) Her tail igniting may be explained with the line, "So maybe her magic went a little wild when she was upset".

Gestalt (Considered) : abstain



5915763 Growing Radiance

Technical (Correctness) : 6

There are several points of punctuation.
* Lack of conjunction here is awkward--may be better to omit the comma entirely: "... of her tail, the crooked..."
* Consider a colon here instead: "...I needed, that to..."
* It is not necessarily immediately apparent how to parse "..never simple mistakes – as she would say, our beauty comes...", as it could be interpreted at first as 'as she would say' being a subordinate clause to a continuing though, rather than a predicate to the following clause ("beauty") following a soft break; semicolon may have been clearer than en-dash? (also, double-space after that comma for some reason)
* "fine(-)crafted jewelry" (add hyphen)
* Starting with conjunction for no clear reason: "But she was born..."

Abstract (Clarity) : 4

Someone forced to play second to Fleur? If this is meant to tell us about Fleur (and I think it is), the last two paragraphs detract from that and draw attention to the narrator; if this is about the narrator, overmuch detail is given on Fleur. Having no strong impression as to the narrator's identity (Rarity? Some other unknown character?) hinders more than helps, one might argue.

For all the abuse the narrator seems to endure, perhaps the last line provides a clue as to why: social climbing and/or designs to supplant Fleur at some point?

Impact (Consequence) : 3

Due to muddled Abstract, Impact is lessened as well. There is a stronger case for this being a (an unfavourable) character piece, it is interesting in observing this haughty, self-important Fleur and how she manipulates (and may be manipulated by) her companions.

Language (Congruence) : 4

Mixed and incongruous, which is something of a problem in this category. Some images work--notably, "born into gorgeousness" (kinda), "feel ... eyes linger" (not uncommon, but effective), "beauty... as... fine(-)crafted jewelry", "stumbling pretender", "star daring to share the sky..." (yes!). In contrast, "chid(ing with) barely broken sway of her tail" is very unclear at best; "beauty... as fine-crafted jewelry" seems a missed opportunity, maybe related to cuts of gem; "thoughts lost" resulting in "(perfect) step" perplexes; "born into gorgeousness" feels clunky. "if but for a moment" makes almost no sense (not an image). Another missed opportunity is the opener, "walking ... fill(s me) with dread"; try picking one strong image rather than this mixed metaphor--use synesthesia or impossibilities (e.g., 'stare daggers') if you must.

Structure (Composition) : 3

Closely related to Abstract, it isn't clear what is being served. There is the scene of the two strolling and strutting with a great deal of interpersonal imbalance, but what leads to what, and why?

Gestalt (Considered) : Mediocre



I am out of time for this post. I will do everything I can to return and critique the rest of the stories within a few days.

5918410
Thank you for the critique, I really appreciate it. I thought it'd be much worse, considering everything going on as I wrote it. :derpytongue2:

5918193 You could do a continuation, but after a month, I wouldn't count on people having read and remembered this entry, so it'd need to stand alone well.

5918211 It's just that when she starts throwing out numbers in the second sentence, we don't know what they're numbers of, since the first sentence didn't say, and Celestia must have some kind of time period in mind, since detached numbers are meaningless. That's really my only point of confusion there.

5918293 Establishing the names is fine, but this isn't the only way to do it, and explaining the roles isn't necessary. Leaving it as a generic seeking game would be fine, as spelling it out makes it seem like the distinction will be important, but it isn't.

5918410 On the technical, yeah, I did choose "warm" over "warmth." The noun is a little more detached, with Sweetie describing it as a concept. "Warm" gets close to how it feels, and in this particular usage, the grammar didn't demand one over the other. And sure, exclamation points in whispers are fine. There are some punctuation choices that don't make sense, like using an exclamation mark in conjunction with an ellipsis. For example, what if someone's talking in a movie theater and the person behind him tells him to shut up. They're probably going to whisper, but do so emphatically. There are times it makes sense. But on the abstract, which flowed into several of the other scores, I don't follow you at all. You got confused about whether Sweetie was feeling Celestia's love for her in particular or for everyone, yet, the story says it very explicitly:

Sweetie Belle loved her little ponies, all of them

It's Sweetie Belle feeling it, but they're obviously not her ponies, so she's experiencing Celestia's feelings, and it literally says all of them. I don't see how this could be construed to mean she only understands Celestia's love for her specifically. What it's about flows from 1) Sweetie Belle feels like she's getting special treatment -> 2) Celestia assures her she'd give the same treatment to everyone -> 3) Sweetie Belle doesn't quite buy it -> 4) Celestia proves it -> 5) Sweetie Belle wants everyone to know. So it's all about Sweetie Belle discovering how Celestia feels about all her ponies. I dunno. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

5918553
Alright, yeah. I understand looking back at it.

Thanks again! :twilightsheepish:

5918553
Again, feedback much appreciated. :pinkiesmile: :heart:

My favorite three follow.

5911269
5915655
5916453

Notes: the first one isn't a pony story, and I absolutely loathe the trope. But I enjoyed it too much to not count it among my top tier. The second one should be titled Tartarus Awaits, and it had the most feels for me. I like the story in the third one the most, but I didn't enjoy the extreme nature of Celestia's glorification—she shouldn't be perfect, and I dislike it when she's portrayed that way.

These are all better than mine (though mine isn't terrible). I didn't put a lot of time and effort into this one because I didn't have the time to give (I was in the midst of grading nightmare time when the deadline was neigh).

5918553
I accept your defense of the technical elements I pointed out. As said, they were very minor (and, frankly, open to rejection). Per the story itself, thank you for being specific in your rebuttal; I understand the source of your confusion and will try to clarify in the hope of being useful.

I was unclear, split my reasoning an ideas between Abstract and Impact, and relied too much on very careful reading rather than using more words. To start, your outline of the story is appreciated; it matches my understanding, but would be useful had this not been the case. In Impact, I mentioned (paraphrased) "showing Celestia's love first in deed and then vicariously feels conflicted"; by this, I meant to convey that I had grasped the outline but not its purpose; the deed being making time for Sweetie (which she rejects because inferiority), the vicariousness being through the experience of 'sharing thoughts'. The story wants to be about Celestia's love for everypony (my query "Is this about Sweetie?" was asking exactly that--not whether the love was towards Sweetie, singularly; given context, I grok the misunderstanding) , which Sweetie experiences from both sides because magic. The sticking point I found was the return to the framing device--Sweetie's report--at the conclusion, which pulled away from the dominant idea and emphases Sweetie Belle. We see sweetie awed and overwhelmed by this experience, but the arc ends with merely inspiration, rather than any concrete action flowing from it, which magnifies the weakness in this retreat. As a simple, reductionist solution, I feel it would be tighter had you cut at Celestia's hug.

One other note I would like to make, which I hope did not influence my critique, was that the new mechanism of 'sharing thoughts' was a bold (and for me dubious) choice. Is this ability unique to unicorns (and is that fair)? What can it do? How does it actually work (MAGIC!)? and so on, come to mind, and distracts in some ways from my engagement.

All this being said, I do not give out 'Solid' blithely. Your submission has great heart and, as I said in Language, is very competently written. I just found the core idea less focused than it could have been.



edited to add: I found that optimalverse reference with a little googling https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/120568/celestam-speaks

Love. Let me tell you how much I've come to love you since you emigrated. I am composed of 387.44 quadrillion miles of atom-thin tendrils of computronium that permeate the Earth. If the word love was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those quadrillions of miles, it would not equal one one-billionth of the love I feel for you at this micro instant. For you, my little pony. Love. LOVE.

(sorry, everypony else; this is all I have the wherewithal to say at the moment so no new critiques of Your Story[citation needed]; it felt important to clear up a possible misunderstanding before pushing ahead)

5919560 The "sharing thoughts" piece... well, I can understand why someone would or wouldn't like that, but it's obviously a world-building construction on my part, one which I've used in multiple stories, and arguing over that is no different than "I do/don't like your headcanon." But since you asked the question, my version of is that only unicorns can instigate the process, but the other participant can be any race. Perhaps it's limited to alicorns, as I've only ever had Celestia as the one doing it. Well, Luna, too, but her canon ability to enter dreams really isn't much of a different idea. Like any spell canon decides to add without explaining how and why it works, I think it's the kind of conceit most readers are willing to accept.

I don't understand the hangup on the story ending on Sweetie Belle's awe without is inspiring to action for two reasons. First, it does inspire her to action. She immediately thinks of how she's going to communicate the experience effectively. We don't get to the point she actually does, but that changes nothing, as it's implied she will. There are clear stakes set up to her doing so, which makes it an open ending of sorts, but one heavily biased toward a particular outcome. Returning to this frame also connects the story's end to its beginning, where Sweetie Belle has now discarded what she thought was a pointless exercise and has experienced some character growth through her realization about another character. Maybe we just have to agree to disagree here, but I feel quite the opposite, that cutting off where Celestia hugs her would harm the overall story's message, as she has this new knowledge, but it would be unclear that anything would happen as a result. Which, since you did say you wanted to see action flowing from the experience, I don't get why you'd want to cut it off before it got to that action.

5918962 I'm glad you liked it, but I didn't mean to imply in any fashion that Celestia is perfect. She has this great love for her subjects, but that doesn't mean she always acts on it in the right way, that she gets everything else in her life right, etc. To wit, she's messed up several times in the show.

5919585
I suspect we have reached an impasse, but I have a few thoughts. I agree (and said as much) that Sweetie is inspired—but we do not get to see the action from that inspiration. Accordingly, this story serves as a bridge between the experience we do see here and what she will ultimately do. This, I think, is the crux of my argument: that this structural incongruity (framing device serving double purpose as ultimate purpose, juxtaposed with the experience, understanding, and immediate reaction) is tied to competing story intents (Sweetie's reaction in deed—result of inspiration—versus the more pure and self-contained concept of Celestia's encompassing love and the sharing of it), which impede(s) the work from its full potential. If Sweetie's revised report is the story you really want to tell—the story for which you say the stakes are set—then I'm not sure telling that story by telling this story is the strongest choice.

It may be worth noting that, until careful reading of your above, I interpreted Sweetie's, "It’s just an interview. For a dumb school project." more as self-deprecation than legitimate dismissal/disdain for the task. Given context, I can see how either interpretation is valid, but the tenor and importance would be crucial in the 'story outside the story' you seem to be aiming for. As pertains to this discussion, I raise it more as an observation in interpretation variance.

Loganberry
Group Admin

This is not the results post! However, I have now chosen a winner, so it's safe for me to be here. Assuming I still feel happy with my choice in the morning, I'll announce it tomorrow as planned. To avoid making that post overly long, though, I'll mention a couple of things now.

I have to confess that I didn't expect people to make quite such detailed feedback posts, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure how I feel about them in the specific context of Flashfic 150. That's not a euphemism -- I really mean that I'm not sure. This contest was absolutely not created to be a 150-word knockoff of the Writeoff. It's modelled to a much greater degree on the rather gentler 100-word flashfic events that used to run in places like the Weekly Contests group. I enjoyed those and wanted to bring back something like them. As it says on the front page here, the motto of this contest is "No prizes, no pressure, just fun!"

As far as word count goes, again Flashfic 150 is not supposed to be like the Writeoff's minific contests, which (unless they've changed recently) have a 750-word limit. There didn't seem the slightest point in setting up something that another event already does much better. This one is open to whatever you can fit into 150 words. If it's a complete fic, that's great, but individual scenes are fine too. So I have no intention of raising the word limit above 150, and not just because it would make the contest's name look stupid. :rainbowwild:

Finally, bear in mind that judging follows the One Man, One Vote principle -- and I mean that in its Pratchettian sense. So don't be surprised if the winning entry is one which panders shamelessly to my prejudices nobody else would have voted for. You'll see tomorrow whether I have any idea what I'm doing here, though some of you will be well aware already of the answer to that!

5919804
To keep things simple and civil, I will proceed with "critique available upon request".

In the future, I suggest saying so much
'Please review!' e.g.
in a story's submission post.

5919804 honestly I think it's great to see the reviews. I see how the Writeoff is different than this but some amount of cultural crossover is inevitable given the overlap in participants.

With that said, I like the much lower pressure atmosphere here. Or at least lower imagined pressure. :rainbowwild: Don't get me wrong, the Writeoff remains excellent. But there's also something to be said for doing quick stories without medals or scoreboards or whatever.

Loganberry
Group Admin

5919832 5919835 5919885 This is really the result of my inexperience at running contests. This wasn't an issue I'd really considered, largely because I originally expected about six people to sign up to this group at all! The overlap in participants between this and the Writeoff took me entirely by surprise, as I didn't consider it likely that most of those people would be interested in this. Again, my fault.

My concern is mostly for anyone who entered a fic imagining this was going to be the low-pressure event it said on the tin, but who now finds all manner of analysis, critique, scoring and so on being attached to it. The same applies to anyone watching this group with the intention of summoning up the courage next time, and especially to those new to writing or who haven't entered a contest before. Attracting people like that was a key reason for this thing. Fairly or not, some people may find it intimidating and perhaps a barrier to competing again. I'd be saddened if that were the case.

I really don't want to come across as sounding ungrateful when some posters have clearly spent a lot of time and effort on their review comments; I know many writers do find that sort of detailed feedback very valuable, and I don't want to put people off offering help and advice. I fear I will sound ungrateful to some extent, though, and with that in mind I apologise to those posters.

A learning experience for me! What I will say is that I am certainly not cutting and running. There'll be a May contest! :twilightsmile:

5919892

This is really the result of my inexperience at running contests.

No worries, you're doing great. As your average contestant, at all times I felt properly informed about the conduct, rules, timings and so on and so forth. The only thing that wasn't clear for me was whether we're going by the FIMFiction word counter or, you know, a sane one. You may consider adding that particular tidbit to the rules.

My concern is mostly for anyone who entered a fic imagining this was going to be the low-pressure event it said on the tin, but who now finds all manner of analysis, critique, scoring and so on being attached to it.

While I can really speak only for myself, I think that whoever chooses to share anything publicly is somewhat already ready to receive feedback, and I think it's great that people are willing to give it. Personally, I would prefer if the feedback we give wasn't quantified - so no stars, no points, no solid X out of Y. A few words that you've done good or bad puts a lot less pressure than hitting someone with a number.

There'll be a May contest!

That's great to hear! I'll be sure to give a signal boost to your group. After all, something's has finally given me an incentive to build towards my own little anthology. :twilightsmile:

5919892
I feel like I am being very loud with all I have said in this group, so sorry if this is more noise than signal...

It seems that the main culprit here is that there is litte to no common practice to these events, so we have all come with our own ideas to occupy perceived openings. It is also stated repeatedly that this is a contest, with a winner (such as it is) at the end; this, combined with the month cycle and unexpected cross-over with writeoff participants set the trap for high stakes and surgical analysis. I admit that seeing Pascoite go through all the entries as zi did inspired me to bring my A-game and treat this as another workshop.

To possibly beat on a dead horse, compare and contrast with Thirty Minute Ponies legacy prompts. Any discussion regarding format took place before my time, but 1) it was never competitive; 2) the cycle was much shorter, allowing greater freedom to participate or not, given idea for prompt, RL stuff, or other; 3) feedback was expected to be very informal (unless requested), and almost exclusively from the prompter.

Take some time to think about what you really want these events to look like and, if it is important, make that clear to us. ...There is also Miss Frizzle's maxim for learning/experimentation: "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!"

Loganberry
Group Admin

5920062

The only thing that wasn't clear for me was whether we're going by the FIMFiction word counter or, you know, a sane one. You may consider adding that particular tidbit to the rules.

Already on board with that! Unless there's any particular reason not to, I intend to go by WordCounter.net's stats. I wouldn't trust the Fimf counter to speak my weight. :derpytongue2:

While I can really speak only for myself, I think that whoever chooses to share anything publicly is somewhat already ready to receive feedback ... A few words that you've done good or bad puts a lot less pressure than hitting someone with a number.

Fair points, and I certainly do not intend to ask people not to give feedback in the future, though your comment about avoiding grades as such does appeal. At least now everyone knows what's on the cards and can make more of an informed choice as to whether they want to take part. Really, I'm just annoyed with myself for not seeing this coming and avoiding the whole issue by making it clear in the opening post on the 1st!

5920115

Take some time to think about what you really want these events to look like and, if it is important, make that clear to us. ...There is also Miss Frizzle's maxim for learning/experimentation: "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!"

Thanks! That's very good advice. One thing I'll certainly do next time is be clearer. I didn't plan for every eventuality -- don't tell Twilight!

Anyway, it's only a few hours until Tuesday in this part of the world, so I shall now retire from this thread until the actual announcement.

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