9th of the 11th Month, The Castle of Friendship 2:22 PM

I had just finished telling the tale to our illustrious protector: the Element Bearers, six young mares barely out of their twenties, who by gathering the most powerful magical purification tool in the last twelve hundred years saved the nation from certain doom in about two occasions. Then they fought in the Changeling Invasion of Canterlot in 2 L.R (Luna’s Return) and then the subsequent exploding of the Warlock Lich and self-proclaimed king Sombra. Both times, it was either the Shining 'poster-boy' Armor and his wife Cadenza, the self proclaimed leader of the Crystal ‘not actually an’ Empire, or the adoptive son of Princess Celestia, Prince Spike Dragül Solaris, that actually managed to save the day.

Let’s not forget the embarrassing Plunder Weed incident that I could have solved had I been in the country instead of being in the Wild Lands with Daring Do and an O.S.S. squadron, nor the Tirek incident that I could have solved had I not been in with another O.S.S. squadron and the Albion Navy destroying the northern Equestrian town of Inssmouth, Mareachusetts, that was once thought to have been completely destroyed and evacuated twenty years ago in the face of an undersea earthquake. Both of what I mentioned happened in 3 L.R.

Let’s not forget that year’s brand of madness. Mark removal spellcraft, cult of stupidity that used such mark removal spellcraft, the cult leader that fucked with the fabric of space and time, and the fact that only through dumb luck did Twilight ‘coma-wings’ Sparkle manage to unfuck that debacle in time for us not to become a blasted wasteland done in by the aforementioned stupidity.

Oh, shall I also mention the house arrest and reformation of the former cult leader that helped in stopping another changeling invasion that year, along with Discord, and some travelling stage magician name Trixie Lulamoon? That, by the way, let the Faerie Queen of the Cunts (Chrysalis) escape and is now another thing that I have to deal with. At least that second invasion was dealt with a lot less bloodshed.

Oh, and let’s not forget the return of six of the legends of old and the purification of a brilliant sorcerer that managed to be using the power of Nyarlathotep.

All of ya can only imagine my ““JOY””.

Naturally, ‘Coma-wings’ talked first.

“You voluntarily went and asked for a warden of the Equestrian Penitentiary System to go ahead and give you two convicted felons, which you then fed to a horrid mutated creature to keep it still enough to use spellcraft with my friend Zecora to use their ethereal presences as fuel to activate what you and Zecora call an ‘Elder Sign’!?”

So said Miss Twilight Sparkle, the lavender-purple former protege of Princess Celestia, and possibly the most rawly powerful unicorn in the last century. She also is grossly uncreative in the spells she uses, despite being able to use any spell by just fucking looking at it.

I also winced at the comment; truth be told despite what Throat and Bat had done to the City of Bronkston, they were still equine. Though considering that they were breezing by their sentences, I considered that they should face the execution they deserved while also being key to stopping a possible world ending threat that killed and ate wantonly without mercy.

“Well, it was beyond me organization's current capacity to get etherlectrical generators large enough to power an Elder Sign Array of sufficient complexity for the job on sight, and on the small time window I had to act. It was actually faster for me to go outside the law and call in a favor in exchange for another favor. You can blame me for their deaths, but the Mareachusetts warden that shall not be named was just as guilty of those deaths. And Throat and Bat were essentially living as comfortably as they did outside of prison using the their daughters current control of their organization as a means of acquiring that comfort.”

Twilight the alicorn lass’s eye twitched at that. And naturally she replied in her anger.

“Doesn’t matter! You are still a murderer!”

I narrowed my eyes and gave her a firm look. I already knew that I was a murderer and nothing was going to change that.

“So?”

She recoiled at that, not expecting that answer.

I was sitting on the floor next to the thrones of the Element of Laughter and the Element of Kindness, facing across the table from Miss Sparkle.

I was wearing my usual black overcoat and fedora hat, though underneath at my abdomen, my whole right rear leg and my right foreleg were covered in bandages; so was half my face.

There was a tomato and mozzarella loaf sandwich that the dragon Spike had brought me along with a full pitcher of coffee. I hadn’t touched any of it since I started talking, so I figured it would the best time to eat it. I took a large bite out of it, and I washed it down with the slightly above lukewarm black coffee that I drank straight from the pitcher––no sugar or milk added––leaving half a pitcher when I finished.

Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were staring at me, eyes wide open, after that.

Miss Apple was the first to speak; wearing a Stetson hat indoors was odd to me, but she seemed alright by my book. “Look, ah don’t feel too good about what ya did, but a can understand why ya did it. An’ if that thang was as ya described then can’t blame ya doing it.”

Miss Rainbow Dash spoke next. “Yeah! Come on Twilight, you weren’t there! I shot that thing seven times with HIS shotgun while it was on fire and it still got up and tried to kill us!”

Miss Rarity spoke next. “Well I think that it certainly isn’t justified, though I can still understand why you did what you did. Still, you could have called on us if you wanted to.”

I just looked at her, wondering if math wasn’t something you picked up as a designer.

“Miss Rarity, ya and ye friends were not in Ponyville at the time with the exception of Rainbow Dash and Miss Apple, who was on her farm on the other side of town. None of ya would have made it in time to help me, and there was no guarantee that you could solve the problem or even survive it. I’ll also remind all of ya that ya took two days to get to Ponyville after we destroyed the abomination.”

It was at that moment that Fluttershy got onto the solid diamond table, turned her head around and stared at me. She was using a bit of posthypnotic suggestion, something that hasn’t quite worked on me in over ten years. So I decided to project a glimpse of some of my memories to the poor girl.

She then began to shed tears silently, and her legs failing her as they wobbled eventually causing her to collapsed on the table and reach a state of unconsciousness.

“All right, let me make something clear. I have been solving crimes and slaying monsters since you ladies were in your teens at most. I have faced darker boogies than you lasses have thought-up in even ya worst fucking nightmares.

“Through the application of science and help from me colleagues and friends I have bathed in the blood of beings that where feared throughout the ages.

“Not only me, but your friends Yearling and Zecora as well.

“Since Princess Luna returned, the world could end at any moment! Things long forgotten, from dark eras steeped in legend are resurfacing into the world!

“None of you faced the more insidious, or the more vicious of that lot because Celestia herself deems that none of ye are psychologically equipped to deal with them. And let’s be fair, all of ya are like family to her, and she wouldn’t send her family to die!

“None of ye can comprehend yet what is out there. No matter how powerful ya are, Twilight, or how powerful the Tree of Harmony is, we are all insignificant upon the presence of what is returning to the world.

“Ye should consider it a blessing that ya can the luxury of blissful ignorance. Let us soldiers and old wizards do the bleeding, we have been here long before even the blasted Tree of Harmony to face the things beyond the void.

“If you need confirmation of what I just said, talk to Starswirl. He will tell ya almost the same.”

With that, I took what was left of the tomato and mozzarella sandwich and threw it in my mouth; I also drank the remaining coffee.

I then left them all sitting in their respective thrones, all except of the bearer of the Element of Laughter, Pinkamena Diane Pie, who was not present during my report.

I limped through the door and into the hallways of the crystal castle. Spike was heading in the opposite direction into the Map Room as he passed by me.

“Thanks for the sandwich, kid.”

I heard a “you’re welcome” but I just kept on limping. I kept going until I saw in the hallway Pinkamena Diane Pie, her hair down, and she was hunched, looking at the cold crystal floor, crying. Her sobs were almost heartbreaking really; I understood why too. That thing was born from a mirror pool clone. And she must have made that clone, and it must have ran away at some point. That thing went around killing and feasting on ponies wearing her face. I understood perfectly the guilt she must have felt, that something that one has created was used for so much evil.

I limped closer to her; she noticed me and looked to me at eye level, a bandaged up, greyish-blue bearded Celtic unicorn. Her eyes were filled with tears, and the whites of those eyes were red from all the crying. Blue eyes that would be lovely, if anything. A pink mare with balloons for her mark, and she was the second saddest pony I had seen in my life.

“I’m sorry,” she said. And at that moment I began to shed some tears of my own. I embraced her in a hug and squeezed tight.

“You have nothing to say sorry for. Nothing at all.”

At that moment her hair poofed up out of nowhere, and I jumped back.

“GAH!”

Screaming a bit in pain due to the sudden movement. And she then giggled, even if she still had some tears, but that certainly made me feel better.

“I do have to say sorry for that though,” she said. That made me grin.

“I’ll see ya around,” I said and I left her in the hallway as I continued limping to get outside.

Eventually I opened the large entrance to the Castle of Friendship, and as I limped out I closed the door behind me.

I took out my pack of cigarettes, opened them and tapped the pack against the crystal wall of the castle. I took one in my mouth, then I lit with a spark of pyrokinesis.

I took a drag from it, looking at the nice and only partially cloudy Ponyville afternoon.

Then I noticed that one of the cleanup crew, a white pegasus with a silver mane by the name of Windcutter, landed in front of me, wearing his green uniform fatigues.

“Sir, would you mind following me?”

I said, “Sure.”

I followed him despite my state. But then I would find out why.