Title: Velvetverse: Pilot

By: Mirror Star

Rating: Everyone

Status: Complete

Words Read: 2543 (all)

Tags: MLP: FiM, Slice of Life, Alt. Universe, Other, Twilight Velvet, Windy Whistles, Pear Butter, Cloudy

Description:

This is a pilot story-episode.

Velvetverse is the AU story where Twilight Velvet, Cookie Crumbles, Windy Whistles, Rain Flower(Mrs. Shy), Cloudy Quartz, and Pear Butter become the mane 6 before their future daughters do.

Review:
Velvetverse: Pilot is based on an interesting concept of the MLP:FiM franchise where the parents of the Mane 6 form their own group and produce a timeline alternate to the main continuity. The author Mirror Star includes alterations to certain characters' lives, taking into consideration how stronger relationships with other ponies would affect the outcome of what we consider past events.

Despite this strong premise, unlike the show, this one-shot doesn't do much to establish the characters' unique traits the same way that the first episode established the main traits of the Main 6. Much of it relies on what the audience already knows about the parents and their children from the show, and doesn't completely demonstrate the full breadth of what this premise can explore with these six new characters.

That's not to say, however, that the quality of the dialogue is diminished. The flow of conversation, which drives much of the story, adapted the style of MLP well. There is back and forth talk between the characters that reveal more about where they are in their lives, even if their behaviours and styles of speech doesn't vary as much as they do in the show.

The only glaring issue within this short piece is the author's technical skills with writing. The back and forth conversations have quality in what the characters say, but the author has a lack of narration around the dialogue. This style makes it feel like reading a play or script, where the reader is repeatedly exposed to "X said" and "X asked" without any other actions or description. Of course, considering the story proposes the idea of a pilot episode for an alternate MLP, this is as much a stylistic choice as it is a flaw.

What cannot be considered stylistic are the consistent punctuation errors throughout the two-and-a-half thousand words. Many of them are small errors and don't affect the rhythm of narration and conversation very much, but others are breaches of standard English convention. However, if this does not bother you as a reader, then there isn't much more these mistakes do beyond making the diction and syntax look awkward.

All in all, while this story is no masterpiece, it manages to tackle a strong idea and bring creative changes to MLP within its alternate universe. It's a quick read, so, many of its mistakes fall by the wayside by the time you arrive at the conclusion.

I rate this: 3.5/5 Pinkie Smiles