Rescue at Midnight Station by Sparky Brony
Amount read: about 60%
Verdict: Reject (5/10)

If I had to summarize this story in one word, I'd describe it as feeling rushed. It starts off with a fairly interesting concept that would scratch any Star Trek fan's itch. And though it didn't explore any aspect about the show that I hadn't seen before, it still had plenty of potential for an engaging read.

There were a number of detractors which prevented me from fully enjoying it, however. My first impression was that it didn't do much to intimately connect me to the situation through the description of its scenery or the characters' feelings. We have this young individual, Naomi Wildman, who is going through a ship by herself until she reaches the bridge. I'm not intimately familiar with her character, but aside from the lack of Seven of Nine, she seemed relatively calm. Everyone else missing may have affected her stability, but I didn't sense it beyond her calling out for them a time or two. At the bridge, for an example, we get something to the effect of 'deserted bridge.'

The particular suggestion I have in mind is only relevant if the intention is to capture her feeling of being alone, on an empty vessel. She would still sound collected, but it would give her this underlying feeling of dread. She'd have her mentor's training to fall back on, but it may only carry her so far.

Suggestion:

...The room was dimly lit, the captain's chair empty. The security station, unmanned, still displayed a half-written command.

I was trying for a blend of show and tell that matched your writing style. Essentially I was trying to tell the scene but give the reader the sensation that Naomi felt alone and possibly only barely able to keep it together. Something that 'deserted' wouldn't do alone. Again, this suggestion only works if that was what the author was intending.

The grammar started out passable. There were a few formatting errors which may have been a copy-paste error from Google docs, but nothing critical. Stuff like missing spaces (sometimes double spaces):

Naomi Wildman, the youngest crewmember of the starship Voyager walks through the deserted corridors.The ships battery powered emergency lighting provides minimal illumination.

Incidentally, I noticed additional mistakes while looking over this passage. 'crewmember' should have been 'crew member', and 'ships' should have had an apostrophe.

The punctuation of dialogue tags always seemed to have commas instead of periods for the beats, as well. My research into the punctuation shows commas for 'said' and saidisms, and periods for beats like 'glances at the display.' I'd like to see other's thoughts on this matter to see if I misunderstood something. I may be mistaking convention as an absolute in this case.

Naomi glances at the time display, “So, we’ve been out for about eighteen hours. Whoever did this is long gone.”

As the story progresses, more grammar issues seem to crop up. Sometimes it was hard to understand what was happening due to the run-on sentences and awkward phrases. In the example below, what is Twilight really trying to say here?

“Please just be a lesson, give them back air before they die,” Twilight begs softly to herself...

Below are a couple more examples of the run-on sentences and phrases that I found.

Mezoti taps her screen, this is a busy part of space, she has four cargo ships she is monitoring as they spiral down to landing areas on the asteroid.

Twilight takes wing to be of the right height, she brings herself right next to her ear, “Seven.”

I thought I had spotted a couple sentence fragments as well, but upon a second pass through I couldn't spot any. Regardless, another quick pass through could benefit this story.

The plot is mostly fine, though I do have one minor contrivance in that I'm not sure how the antagonists (still not sure if they're supposed to be Keritan or Keritian, I saw both spellings) managed to kidnap the simulations from the holodeck and are able to continue broadcasting them so they can work in those mines. It was suggested that their reason for kidnapping everyone was to be vindictive toward them, but it doesn't seem worth the hassle of kidnapping holosims. Thus far, the only payout I see is the cheap joke with Iron Will.

The story's content is all there, and it is definitely understandable most of the time. The characterization seemed solid to me, and there was a natural progression through the plot. I would suggest inserting minor problems for our protagonists to face along the way to the Keritans, but none of their plans or actions they took felt out of place.

To summarize, most of the qualms I have with this story seem to stem from it feeling rushed to completion. I could still appreciate the concepts this story had to offer, and I feel others who've read it do as well.