might aswell do it today, cause todays one of those dayts, bit rambly...not the best at righting things down
so to preface, i've been on hormones (estrogen/spiro/progesterone) for around 200 days, it has been rather helpful...most of the time
there's days i don't care
and there's days like today where feel worse. the reason for both is like 90% of the time i identify as a woman, feel like a woman, whatever. then of whats left, some i feel sorta like both a man and a woman, and actually like how sorta in the middle now, and could care less about being called a man or a woman. or more often of days where not feeling like a woman, feeling like no gender, null...i sorta wished it would have stopped with hormones, or after moving away from abusive parents. if anything it only got worse, i myself have a lot of physical based gender dysphoria as well as an internal veiw of identity with preffered pronouns and such. unfortunately that applied to all days, since hormones the days where not any gender have only gotten worse, feeling not just bad of genitalia and some other slight things, but also breasts, and the fact that then it is uncomfortable to be called a woman as well as a man, makes it weird when people like correct themselves...and i don't like either then. course similiar to when both, where i could care less.
the 4 times total i think called singular they when not any gender...felt a weird sort of euphoria. 3 of the times was old dentist, who without even knowing i was trans used singular they a lot to me and others, i can assume as a case of 'what if', which i think is rather thoughtful. might have been helped by lesbian coworker, not sure (current dentist is a transphobic asshole), and another time someone giving me meds that hadnt seen me before saying them when just me...

i find it kinda weird my personality doesnt change, i'm always a bit more masculine then feminine but fairly androgynous. so hearing terms like transfeminine, and how "Transfeminine is a term used to describe transgender people who were assigned male at birth, but identify with femininity to a greater extent than with masculinity"- http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Transfeminine ...with that site having links of femininity and masculinity...being that of gender expression...where i seem to always fit more with side of masculinity then feminity
and i don't tell anyone that like some days prefer they and somedays dont care...cause i don't want to complicate it for them more. so just say transwoman and around 7-5% of the time i deal with discomfort from people who think they know me and care about me...i don't even know what to do if i could properly explain it to all of them, cause i'd be worried of losing more people, including my bf. and not sure what i could even do to help them know when...cause the feelings of being hurt by your own friends when feel like could do something about it sucks so badly
i don't know the proper name, don't know how to help others help me, feel like i would be selfish asking for more.
i also worry of the feelings getting worse, and my true motives for things, like wanting genitalia removed, is that wanting it just removed most of the time, wanting a vagina, both? i don't know

and...one more complication. last therapist i had, i got diagnosed with depersonalization disorder, DID, and ptsd...DID, dissasociative identity disorder. where have a broken psychy that seems almost like multiple personalities, but rather it is just that never really whole. and some semblance of truth, i've worked on myself more, and i black out where things still done by me according to others, less. she was my best therapist. she specialized in trauma, which i desperately needed someone that did. she helped me so much, i had her for 8 months before had to move...i was concerned about one thing, hearing that alters can be different gender, age, even species. i was worried that like if one of them is strongly nothing, strongly both, strongly male. whatever, if that could influence my own gender, like when stresed out and closer to them surfacing or whatever. she assured me that it most definitly shouldn't...but i still worry. with the one of the few friends that actually does know feels like cause a long time till fully whole, that me sometimes being agender? bigender? or such, is just because im not exactly whole, and that working on myself more and more, making myself more whole, it will all go away when whole...i don't know what to think, cause it feels like that's wrong, but he is right, i have gotten a lot better, but my brain isnt the that together still
and, i don't know if its just part of my own self hate. like today after seeing rogue one, i really wanted to use the restroom, but only men and woman, normally go in womans, but normally less crowded, and thoughts in head how i know neither is right right now, and i will get people staring at me with disgust in either, so rest of people with went to bathroom, i held it in longer till home

so
don't know really what i am even though been on hormones for a while, and feel bad cause of that
worry of friends
worry that i might change cause im broken
worry that its just my own self hatred
and thoughts of where to go in transition (feel like should atleast try for laser hair removal of face right now...or maybe not)
and just realized name, go by sophia normally, but fuck it if i don't know any genderless names
im hoping for a reply of some help maybe by january :3

5699000 Hey Phyrgon, glad to hear from you again.

From what I gathered from your post, it sounds like dysphoria's been kicking you around a bit lately. Keep in mind that nothing has to be binary or set in stone about any gender you feel like you relate to. I've definitely had days like you when I really didn't care about gender, along with days when the dysphoria has really gotten to me. Since GQ folk have a lot of trouble getting people to fully understand them, I know how difficult it can be to reach out.

It is possible to go by multiple pronouns depending on how you feel, and if that would help you feel better about your identity. Gender fluid, bigender, and a lot of two-spirit people often do this because their identity and mood often shifts, so they like having options open for flexibility. Since we all already understand that gender is a construct that forms a harmful binary, keep in mind that you don't have to fit any specific mold or have any perfect parts to call yourself a certain gender. There's no rush to set anything in stone about who you are, or how you have to present yourself. When I came out to my own parents a year ago, they even told me that how I felt one day, may not be the same way I feel the next day. It's great that you have supportive people in your life that are willing to try and understand you, as well as offer you suggestions for resolution. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal; it's how you weather these feelings is what matters.

Overall, you don't have to see your transition as a race to the finish, or put it on this narrowly specific pathway. We all have our different roads to discovery and what makes us feel comfortable. Discovering who you really are is nothing to feel guilty or hateful about.

If it really bothers you that much, you don't have to obsessively think it over. Constant thinking and brooding over identity just brings headaches and down swings. Patience is key in finding your way through.

5699418 heh, feelings mutual

yeah...it has.
it's difficult for me to even understand myself and helping a lot of people questioning right now, which i feel bad about cause don't think i can give adequate advice. i'm not used to help either given to me...used to seeking everything out on my own, or dealin with not knowing. i havent even told a lot of relatives i until recently talked a lot with, that i'm trans, and in doing so shut them out, cause fear

how would i have that work for others? would i have to keep telling them that specific day they is prefferable and she/her hurtful when normally they is nuetral and she/her is preffered. especially when it comes from people play league with, old friends i still talk to from old town, friends in this town, friends in this house, friends that met online and talked to more and more, boyfriend...i worry about upsetting people or being a burden on them.
gender identity, gender expression, gender roles(i wouldnt say the identity is a construct...). 3 things that can be quite different or overlapping partially or fully, none of them as black and white as people want. but i understand that easier for them...(course, doesn't mean havent been criticized cause of it, i've dealt with too many people that believe identifying as woman=feminine, identifying as man=masculine and nonbinary=androgynous that say they are all for trans people but hate me for fact that not feminine enough ever...if they knew agender some days they'd still think bit too agressive and competetive)
i'm too new to this, i wouldnt know how to represent myself differently when agender even if wanted to, then again partially cause i go for rather nuetral clothing most of the time...maybe not go with purse i treat like a fashionable minibackpack. also, i dont know what you mean by perfect parts?
heh glad your parents reacted well it seemed, mine...less so, why im in a different state (other then easier name change law)
most friends havent told to...also i'm not sure one person pretty much saying hope and pray it goes away after i work on myself and become a transwoman with no deviance anymore is the best advice (i don't assume that for me specifically cant be the case, but i already did that for being trans in general and had a breakdown with puberty where grades when fromA's to F's and still took while to accept. so not gonna put too much faith in that) i'm not used to feeling, cause my mom made fun of emotions i was so used to hiding my feelings and not giving them a second of thought, now that they're allowed to be more out in the open and can work on myself cause of that...i'm so confused. and think im failing pretty hard at weathering them, and i don't think my current therapist would be even close to knowledgeable enough

i feel like i'm going to discover who i am, but not change anything because of fear of others reaction, and then in the end, whats the point of me realizing at all

can't really control when i see certain things or called certain things at certain times, current dentist made me more focused on this, as well as election and resulting glares from people. my dysphoria got to me again and struggleing to draw anything cause it affected my general mood. i don't know how to stop thinking of things (the few times ive tried relaxation techniques, panic attacks ensued, the wonders of living with unstable situation where relaxing meant you were vulnerable)

...wish it was easier to find genderqueer friends, or at the very least know if someone that is accepting of me being trans, is ok with it being bit more complicated then they think and knowing if they would be willing to use singular they when i asked...
todays one of days where don't feel like any gender, i don't think ill get the nerve to tell any friend, and,uhm, a link to like list of genderless names? maybe use a different name on these days

5703851 Do you care what the color of your hair is? Maybe you do, but is it really worth obsessing over it?

How is gender any different? Is the meaning of life really just being the correct gender? Is it not possible to just let it go and focus on other things that matter in life?

I'm not old by any means, but I get a few gray hair now and then. My hair will never be exactly what I want them to be, but you know what? It doesn't even matter. I don't even know how I'd describe the color of my hair, since it's a mix. I'm certainly not making it a meaning of life to find a perfect description of my hair.

Also, the color of my hair may not be exactly what I'd choose if I were picking it, but I'm perfectly comfortable with what I have. Hell, I'd be comfortable with it even if I was bold.

Do you constantly think about what color your hair should be? Do you over obsess about what your gender should be? Surely there are more important things in life worth obsessing about, right?