My dad died on October 31, 2018. He fell while Mom and I were out, and when we came home he was on his back and he had messed himself. Mom tried to help him up, but it didn't work. He just fell back and faded. The last thing he said to me was "I love you, Blair", and that will never leave me.

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for a while now, and given all my mental problems, I feel that I'm just another emotional and financial burden to Mom. I honestly don't know how to deal with this; I'd just gotten over the death of my cat. I'm crying as I type this and I just tried to explain to Dad's cat that Dad wasn't coming home again. He'd been in decline for a while, but it doesn't keep the pain from being excruciating.

I told my mom that I wanted him back. That I wanted to see him again. And all she could do was cry as both of our worlds shattered.

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I... I have no words to express how sorry I am. Anything I could say would fall short. I've never been unable to explain something with words, but...

*hugs you tightly*

The first and most important thing I can say to you is that you are not a burden. You ESPECIALLY aren't an emotional burden. Gods Blood, it sounds to me that she needs your support now, more than ever. She's probably just as crushed as you are; the two of you will support one-another in the days and weeks -- the months and years -- to come. It was once said:

In everyday struggle maintain your cool and emotion. To heal a wound you need to stop touching it. Keeping yourself calm in times of stress will not only have immediate smoothing effects; it can also, over time, help you lead a healthier, happier life.

- Dr. Anil Kr Sinha

I feel like that saying, while directly related to everyday life, is just as valuable in situations like this as well.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you this is going to be easy. Gods no, it won't. It'll be hard. You'll walk a lonely road, beside your mother. There may be a time where the two of you walk in silence, but that time will pass. You are not a burden to her; you're a support. You are her child and if I know anything about mothers -- and I was raised by a single mom -- it's that they love their children.

Be strong. If you want to talk more, reply here or PM me. I'm here for you, neighbor.

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It physically hurts. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I miss him so much.

That's him holding his grandson

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I don't blame you. And I think that's normal. You lost someone precious to you.

There are some positives to this terrible situation, even if you won't see them now. He got to tell you he loved you; not everyone has that blessing. I pray I do, when my own dark days roll around. And he had a family: while I read your blog about his son, I look at that picture and I see a man who's proud of what he's accomplished. No one goes without regrets -- even if they're just small ones -- but someone who's lived that fully is someone who probably had minimal regrets when he passed, and that's more than we can ever ask of the world. In that way, he was very lucky to have you, your mother, and your sister. He was blessed to have people who cared enough to be there and who care this much about him.

All you can do now is endure. He'd want that from you, don't you think? He'd want you to survive and grow from this. That's why he told you he loved you -- aside from the fact that he simply did love you. He was motivating you. He may have passed, but his love still clings to you like a warm blanket. It sounds cliche, but he'll never really be gone, because I believe that love like that persists. It's always there, like a spirit or a force... It sounds nuts, but it's what I've believed for years.

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The only time since my brother got married that he paid Dad a visit was when I told his mom that Dad was dead, and even then he got into a fight with my brother-in-law.

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I imagine it wasn't easy for him, either. Like him or not, a father is a father. It takes a very jaded person to feel nothing, when losing a parent.

This is a hard time for all of you. But don't just take me talking about your brother out of that last message. Read the rest over again, maybe tomorrow morning, when the wound isn't so fresh, and let the words sink in. You are not a burden. Your mother will never see you as a burden.

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I can't help but feel like one though. Usually parents of disabled adult children hold some type of resentment.

Friend, don't let the sorrow and depression pull you down. Even if she did have resentment -- and mind you, I'm not saying she does -- do you think that would make her love you any less? Believe me, I have some serious issues with my own dad. He's a womanizer and a deadbeat who didn't pay child-support, cheated on my mom, married her best friend, moved to Hawaii, cheated on his second wife, and doesn't think he did anything wrong. But do I love him? Yeah. I'll always love him, because he's family.

I'm (probably) autistic. I never got diagnosed, but my mom knows mental illnesses and she's fairly certain I've got autism. She raised me by herself my whole life -- 27 years. Even when she was married, the step-father's tended to butt heads with me more than act like actual father-figures. Do I think she resents me? Maybe a little. I made her life really hard. I drove away one husband and vanished for two years without much warning, only keeping contact through the phone -- long story, don't ask. I made her life complicated, and sometimes I feel she might hold it against me.

But Gods, that woman would tear down a building with her bare hands for me. She would climb the tallest mountain. She's told me -- when I was the one on the brink -- that if I ever died, she'd be close behind me. She tells me I'm her life.

Maybe you and I are both wrong about our parents resenting us. Maybe we aren't a burden. Because I've said the exact same words, not that long ago. I'm still a young man, but I'm unemployed and living with her. I'm a financial drain on her right now -- I know that -- but emotionally? I can't say that. And can you, with %100 certainty, say that? Was she there for you in her time of need yesterday? Did you walk that road together, even if it was in silence?