*Radifus squirms around as two guards bring him in front of Nightstorm*

Nightstorm: Well, well, if it isn’t the Grand Advisor Radifus? Thought you could get away from making me review that awful movie, did ya?

Radifus (still in shackles): I warned you what would happen if you didn’t review Titanic 2, didn’t I?

Nightstorm: Fair enough. But you still have to make your review quota. You have been skipping out on us and thus we have prepared a special surprise for you. Bring it in boys!

*two ponies in hazmat suits bring in a mysterious DVD*

Radifus: Pfft, whatever. I dealt with Five across the eyes, I’ll deal with…

Radifus: Nightstorm, I put a curse on you! May nightmares plague your dreams and your kin for a million blood moons! You sick, twisted, beast!

Nightstorm: I’ll live with it. Now head on to your desk and review the movie and I might give you an easier one next time.

Radifus (reluctantly): Fine…

Hello you pitiful worms of daylight. It is I, your serpentine overlord, Radifus the Basilisk and boy, oh boy, do I have an awful piece of goat manure here for you. This movie isn’t bad. It is legendary for its awfulness.

First indication this movie will be absolute dung is the screenwriter. We have the king of bad plot twists and one of the biggest fallen angels of Hollywood, M. Night Shyamalan.

For those of you blessed with no knowledge of this guy, allow me to fill you in. M. Night was, at one point, known for actual good movies. He made a grand total of three good movies with The Sixth Sense being his crowning achievement, quickly followed by The Unbreakable.

His third semi good movie, The Signs, was the one where his twist began to take a turn for the dumb. It had some decent buildup, but the ending of those aliens being killed by water, was just idiotic. Fuse that with a preachy message, that is about as hollow as an empty babushka doll, and you have a perfect way to ruin a decent movie

After that movie, things went south and quick; The Devil, The Village, Lady of the water and so on. Awful, miserable movie, one after another, each having a dumber twist than the last, finally culminating in the creation of this monstrosity.

Before we dive deep into the cesspool of creative insanity (and not the good kind), I would like to share with you guys a quote from the film star, Mark Walberg. Here it goes:

“It is what it is. Fucking trees, man. The plants. Fuck it. You can’t blame me for not wanting to try to play a science teacher. At least I wasn't playing a cop or a crook."

If that doesn't instill some fear into your marrow, then I don't know what will. Hide your kids and hide your wives, get some S.W.A.T. gear and prepare your bumholes, because we are going off the deep end. Strap in.

I hate this job…

You know a movie’s going to be good when the very first scene you see is of moving clouds while ominous music plays in the background.

OOooh scary clouds… Look out! That one’s shaped like a fluffy bunny. We are reaching Wisseau levels of scary here. Ahhh panick!

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See, Pinkie’s got the right idea.

*4 minutes later*

Bucking really? We’re still doing the cloud thing? Seriously Shymalan, you failed at intimidating us with the clouds. Please move forward!

The movie finally begins as we hear our first dumb line.

“I forgot where I am?”

The buck you talkin’ ‘bout, crazy?

She’s going to die soon, so this doesn’t matter, but it was far too dumb for me not to include.

Oh, but the stupid train doesn’t stop there. As it turns out her friend is just as dumb. Just listen to this clash of minds:

Deadmeat: “You are at the place where the killers meet to decided what to do with the crippled girl.”

Corpse: “Oh, that’s right”

Um... if you’d excuse me

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Alright, I’m calm now. Lets rip this into shreds.

Who talks like this?! Is there a sane, rational, intelligent being in this universe that speaks like this? Or does Shymalan just think people in NY speak in cryptic bullshit and nothing else. Perhaps this is supposed to be just friendly banter, in which case it fails harder than Fluttershy on a speed test. What two friends talk like this?

Guy #1: Hey Bobby what you up to?

Guy #2: The skies will blacken with the smog of a thousand burning bodies, that's what.

Guy #1: Oh okay then

From one tirade to another, we get the next scene:

Deadmeat: “Are those people clawing themselves? Is that blood?”

I can’t believe I am about to say this, to a movie no less, but SHOW DON’T TELL! This is like writing 101 and it goes twenty times over for a freaking movie, a medium that relies on VISUALS! And guess what folks? We’re only six minutes in!

SIX! MINUTES!

Somebody better die…

*sees mass suicide*

Ooh *grabs popcorn* this gonna be good! Play the appropriate music.

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So the two girls die and some constructions workers start jumping down from a building. Look ma, it’s raining men.

Nightstorm: Seriously man?

I’m not taking it back.

Now, you must be asking yourself why are these people killing themselves? Well, the reason for that is too stupid to give away right now, so I will preserve my rage for it.

It's coming…

We finally see Mark, I’m firing my agent, Wahlberg playing a science teacher obsessed with bees.

Nightstorm: If you don’t use use it I will.

Radifus: You wouldn’t dare…

Nightstorm: Oh really? Hit it boys!

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Nightstorm, I put a curse of a thousand fire ants upon you and your kin until the hundredth generation! You moronic beast! Buck you and everypony you love you bucking mad beast!

Nightstorm: As long as it gets you mad, I am satisfied *mumbles* teach you to make me review Alvin and the chipmunks

One of these days… Anyway, the group prattles on and on about the various ways the bees are dying out. Personally, I think it’s because the Black Eyed Peas used their likeness for that awful song, but hey, that’s just me.

We get bombarded with environmental messages that are oh so very subtle. Seriously, Al Gore watching Captain Planet while recycling pollution and patching up ozone holes in the North Pole would be more subtle than this piece of infodump.

So, teacher Buckit calls out a guy who doesn’t care about the bees.

[youtube=E6NwZ12Hfyk]

How dare he? The audacity of not giving a flying buck about the buzzing nuisance is simply preposterous! Off with his head!

And then he spouts out this gem:

“The disappearance of bees is an act of nature and we’ll never fully understand it”

The teacher responds accordingly “That’s right (dumbass wide eyed expression). Science will come up with some reason to put in the books, but in the end it will only be a theory”

Ha ha, no. Just no.

Scientific theories are based on EVIDENCE. Otherwise, they are a HYPOTHESIS. You are a freaking science teacher man! You should know this! How did you get this job in the first place? I wish that you and whoever employed you go to a shadow dimension where nightmares rule and NEVER come back.

The guy jammers on and on about his stupid hypothesis as another teacher walks in. Markiboy here starts hiding away from the teacher. I guess he is supposed to be Shymalan’s interpretation of a ‘kewl’ teacher, but he is just trying way too hard. It shouldn’t go over as well as it did.

The class laughs as the ol’ vice principle s not amused. Nice to know that scene was just pointless. Like this whole movie...

She tells Markimark that they have a special meeting now. It seems she pulled out all of the teachers. Well, ain’t that a peach and a half!

I am sure that a classroom filled with teenageres will go completely fine unattended. Heck, I bet that by the time Mark returned to his classroom he fund a dead pile of bees on his desk. That’s what I would do, anyways. Ah, memories…

Apparently something is ‘happening’ in dem woods over yonder. And yes they used ‘happening’ in the most forced way possible:

“There’s an event happening”

And then he describes the event. Brilliant!

Leave it to Shymalan to stiff the dialogue like a recently deceased corpse and then beat it over the head just to insert the title, thinking he’s somehow subtle. Spoilers, you aren’t.

The school suspects a terrorist attack is in progress, believing that they had released an airborn neurotoxin. It’s kinda plausible. Let’s see how the movie ruins it.

So what’s the school's solution for this? Leave the kids inside the school while it blows over? Nope!

Instead let’s chase them out in the open, like cattle into a slaughterhouse, because they be doing logic every not so often.

Next we meet Mark’s best friend. His real name is Julien and he has three weeks until retirement.Okay, I’m kinda lying about that, but considering his attitude, he might as well have said it.

Apparently Mark’s wife is acting odd and he bitches about it to Walking Target. We move on to:

Sweet Leviathan, what is that?! I mean, I know Zooey's eyes are considered pretty by your human world, but she looks so unnatural. It’s like she’s high on something.

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Finally got to use it!

Oh and her phone buzzes. Just like a bee. Subtle, Shymalan. And by subtle I mean it’s like a golden spike to the eyes. About as pleasant as well.

Now we get to their pathetic attempt of explaining the logic behind this. Here, have a look:

“All brains come with a self preservation mechanism which is done by a series of electrochemical impulses whose blocking causes paralysis, hallucinations and asphyxiation. This neurotoxin switches it to kill yourself”

[youtube=zoMiYklHvjk]

You and me both Jonny boy. First off how can a neurotoxin do that? I get asphyxiation or something like that, but we clearly saw people jumping off a freaking builidng. Unless the toxin in this case is an intelligent alien parasite, then maybe I could buy it. But this? Not a chance. Especially when we see the super special twist later on.

Next, what were you on when you wrote this? because I would really want in on some of that action.

Anyways, they pack their bags and go to a train station where they keep stressing that this toxin is natural. I know it’s coming. And when it does, watch out!

The timer has begun.

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Dea- I mean- Julien meets them at the train station as more awkward drama continues. When you hear what it’s about, you will cringe. Actually this whole movie is one big cringefest. So just keep on cringing, you cringy devlin (this movie has broken me).

Also Julien has a daughter and a wife, who is supposed to meet them at the train station. Guess what’ll happen to her?

Clueless moron: I don't know.

Just guess motherbucker!

So the train leaves as we see, what else, more mass suicide. Now with the wind and trees. Must… contain…

Suddenly, a wild gunshot happens as a policeman falls then. Another man picks up his gun and kills himself. And then another one…

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Master of suspense. I would just like to remind you that this guy was nominated for TWO OSCARS! It's becoming more and more clear to me that your 'academy awards' mean a grand total of diddly and squat. Nice...

The gang finds out that Philadelphia is infected as well. And just guess who’s there?

If you said Julien’s wife, then congrats Captain Obvious.

More boring train scenes as the train stops in Pennsylvania. Apparently the train has no connection with anyone. Spooky levels are off the scale! With any luck we will reach skeletons in no time!

As they are ushered into a nearby café, Mark tries to cheer up the little girl by giving her a mood ring. It’s kinda nice, I guess.

Oh and check this out

[youtube=-Ugo_Npswx0]

I’m sorry, is that supposed to be scary? Because I find it highly hilarious. Nice work M. Night. You turned something that is supposed to give me nightmares into a morbid cat video. Bra-freaking-vo.

Suddenly the power cuts out. This has nothing to do with anything, except being cliched to oblivion, but it gets people panicking.

Yes rush out to the streets where the neurotoxin is spreading. Are you really that stupid or do you just have the worst survival skills in the universe? Darwin rewards all around!

So Mark and Zooey, I know they have different name, but I refuse to give it to them on the account of their poor performance, hitch a ride with some creepy guy who only talks about hot dogs I have no idea why. Maybe that's Shyamalan's solution to the bee problem. Moar meat, less vegan food. Works for me!

Julien doesn’t join them, since he wants to see how his wife is doing (psst, I think she might be a bit deadish, like yourself).

He leaves his kid with the Blands. The camera heavily focuses on him as loud sad music plays in the background. I am sure he will be just A Okay. Again

As the Blands and co reach the weird guy’s house we get some dialogue about hot dogs and this:

“The plants are causing all of this because of rapid evolution and global warming*

You know what’s the funny thing? He’s right. The movie agrees with him. Alright motherbucker!

IT'S RAGE TIME!!

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What the motherbucking buck is wrong with you movie? This is impossible, inexcusable, inept, inane, insane, implausible and highly improbable. Evolution does not work like that! Plants don’t work like that! NATURE does not work like that!

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I’m good. Let’s just get on with it.

We see Julien returning to Philadelphia as we see hanging bodies all around. Julien’s crew tries to bord up the windows of their car, but there is a small crack. Don’t try to patch it up or anything guys. Just stare at it like it was the freaking Sun! You deserve your suicide.

Well the driver crashes and kills them all, except for Julien, who was in the passenger seat, and he slashes his wrist.

So edgy… What’s next? You gonna make him red and black? Of course not. That would be far too subtle for this movie.

We cut back to the moron squad as they saw some dead people. They go the other way and get stopped by… Adam Sandler! Ahhh hide your funny bones! He’s going to take them away and replace them with stupid!

Actually, it’s not him, but they look so much alike that it might as well be. And then we get this line:

“Cheese and crackers!” stupid soldiers.

I have no jokes here. I think the line speaks for itself. More bodies are being discovered, but our brilliant heroes don’t even close their windows. How are they not dead yet?!

And guess what? They run into an open field.

If you’re this inept then I welcome your untimely demise. Mark even sits in the middle of some plants. GG dumbass.

In a rather interesting scene we ave the little girl finding out that her parents are dead. It's actually executed very well. The girls hears this while in a crowd and slowly backs away from them. She gives no emotion, at first, and walks over to Mark. Once he embraces her, she cries her freaking eyes out. I'll admit, my black heart felt a little bit of a sting here.

Too bad it’s ruined by the creepy hot dog guy explaining why this works thanks to some sort of tobacco plant evolution. That happened through millions of years, not in a freaking day, you mouthbreather. As stated before, evolution does not work like that!

So they split up in two groups, because that’s not the easiest way to get killed, no sirie, and we finally find out what Zooey did. She had dessert… with some guy.

Nice to know that was utterly pointless.

Suddenly the neurotoxin attacks the group as the sergant guy kills himself.

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Actually no, as Mark gets a grand idea. Outrun the wind.

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It actually works. Because that’s totally how wind works…

This movie will be the death of me...

Apparently this toxin is sentinent as we clearly see wind blowing over the main characters. Again, very subtle Shyamalan. Two kids join the group. I’ll let Jontron speak my mind once more:

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The dumb squad notices a home and go inside. So that’s it. They’re just gonna wait it out there, right?

Nope. In fact they get out of it as fast as they got in. Utterly pointless, like this entire movie.

As they move to ruin someone else’s day, Mark confesses about almost buying some cough syrup from an attractive cashier. Wow, you guys suck at cheating. These are the most boring affairs since that Pin Colada guy ended up cheating his wife, with his wife!

So they go up to a borded up house. The old guy, understandably, doesn't want them to come in, since they would probably bring the airborn neurotoxin into his home. Hey look! An intelligent character. Quite a rarity in this movie.

Anyway, Mark sings a song to convince him they are normal…

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It doesn’t work so the two kids become a bit violent. The old guy gets his shotgun and blasts the two of them.

Wow, you added that scene just to shock us. And even then, you failed, since I actually wanted the two disrespectful twits to be filled with led. besides, what did they think was gonna happen, when you bang on an angry guys door.

As the group treks on they see a house of a creepy old lady. Her first line is this:

“There’s nothing around here, but me and my lemon drink”

She sounds about as legit as that guy from The house that dripped blood on Alex. Great…

So far, the only believable actor here is that little girl. At least I beleive she is playing a litlle girl!

She offers them supper, which they accept and banters on about nothing. This scene is boring, but the next one is just hilarious.
Ladies and gentlemen, mares and gentlecolts and all of you griffons, dragons, minotaurs and other creatures put whatever you have in the air for the WORST PIECE OF ACTING SINCE TOMMY WISSEAU:

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Wow, amazing. Not one word made me believe you. Not one inflection in your voice made you sound remotely interested in what you were talking about. I give you props Mark, that was mighty funny. You really hated this movie, didn’t you?

I’m just going to end it now, because nothing can top that.

The old lady kills herself by crashing through the window, Mark talks to Zooey, who is in an outhous, and they go out to embrace themselves in the final hour. The gentle wind passes over them and… nothing happens. Yup, absolutely nothing. What a waste.

The movie ends with the little girl going to school as we see the same thing happening, crap now I am doing it, in Paris. So scary…

So that was The happening, what a pile of manure. This isn’t just bad, it’s bizarrely bad.

Mark Wahlberg clearly didn’t give two shakes of a saltshaker while acting in this, Zooey is a wide eyed dult which is a shame because I think she is actually a pretty good actor, and the writing is incompetent beyond belief.
Shymalan went on to embarass himself with two more awful movies, well one awful movie and an attrocity of epic proportions (what they did to Fire Lord Ozai is inexcusable).

Today he is working on Wayward Pines and, from what I heard, it isn’t half bad. Maybe it’s because he isn’t the only one doing it, but this movie is awful! Absolutely nothing works in its favor and except for a dumb scene here or there, it does not have any entertaiment value.

Some may see it as so bad it’s good, but not me. I hate it with every fiber of my being.

*watches around*

Which is why next time, I’ll be reviewing a legitimate good movie.

Oh yeah! We're heading down to the coolest and baddest motherbucker you ever met. Until next time, remember kiddies:

VIVA LA NIGHTMARE REVOLUTION!

4688084 A criminal or not, I commend you, Radifus. Thank you.

4688084 Why thank you. Once I take over Equestria, I will make sure you get an extra piece of fruit each day as a sign of appreciation