The other thread was getting a bit unwieldy, so here's a new one!

Reading: Asylum

Reviewing: The Syndicate

Reading: This thread. Great laughs, much wow.

4330042 ???

4330070 sorry. Stupid joke meaning that I enjoy reading the reviews you guys write. Keep up the good work, I'll go sit on the corner and try not to throw too many pies

Reviewing: Asylum

Read: Four chapters

Status: Approved

Whoa. Now THIS is a disturbing tale. What would you do if you woke up one day, and discovered your entire life was a lie? None of your memories were real, you have doctors telling you you're delusional and worse, you're starting to believe them? That's the situation in which Twilight finds herself in this story.

It's funny how the mind compartmentalizes truth and fantasy. MLP:FiM is pure fantasy; there are no unicorns using magic, no pegasi, Twilight and her friends do not exist. But we've grown so much affection for them they may as well be real. This story takes those same characters and shows the possibility that even the well known fantasy is a lie, just like the tale Big Mac Sits on a Hill.

I find myself compelled to finish this engaging story, if only to find out in the end Twilight is not crazy, and that this has all been some elaborate plot by Discord, or some other entity. Or maybe she's just having a very disturbing nightmare. It doesn't look like it so far.

Reviewing: Binary Suns

Accepting

Wow, this story got a couple of laughs out of me! The pacing is great, the vocabulary used is superb, and I'm definitely glad that this was in the submissions folder!

"Your not a reflection, are you?"

I can DEFINITELY imagine two Celestia's saying that at once, it just seems so out of character for the show, but since she's not ruling Equestria at the moment as the sun hasn't risen, she makes it work.

The next couple of paragraphs are detailed on what they are doing, like studying each other, and talking to each other with formal language, and after the speech is complete, they put what they did whilst they were speaking, and how they spoke.

I love it how one Celestia asked if the other was a changeling, because she could have easily assumed it wasit..A little bit further on, they got so confused with who was who so they used the colours blue and yellow, that's a true sign of creativity there.

When they started to ask personal questions on themselves, that's where I completely lost it. They explained pretty much the entire history of one thing!

Seriously, Celestia? You assumed the other Celestia was discord or the changeling queen? Wow, its official, she's lost her mind.

I found myself truly compelled by this story, it's very comedic, because you can't have to many Celestia's, now can you? That's why I'm glad to accept it.

Reading: It Must Be Tuesday

Reviewed: The Syndicate

Read: Two chapters, skimmed through the third and fourth.

Rejecting

I wanted to like this story. I really, really wanted to like this story. After all, it's a very interesting idea for a story, and it could've gone in many different directions. However, no matter how many times I read it, I simply can't grasp why everyone thinks that something this repetitive is such a good read!

Ok, what's the story? In this story, the Main 6's pets are the most dangerous gang in Equestria, AKA The Syndicate. While their owners are preoccupied with other things, each member of the gang does a role in their crime organization, each of which gets its own chapter. Not a bad set up, for what it's worth. In fact, it's quite an interesting set up that could've gone in many directions. The problem is, the writer decided to go in absolutely none of them, instead opting to make each chapter pretty much identical. This decision turned what could've been a very fun and interesting story to read into an absolute chore, as each chapter follows the same pattern: Pet acts like a normal pet while owner is around, does criminal activities while owner is unable to observe them, then head back home to act like normal after the job is done. This pattern repeats itself time after time, and gets tedious incredibly quickly. Basically, it's telling more or less the exact same story each time. If the story was a little more fun, than I could look past that, but it just isn't. The first chapter I found to just be meh; nothing terrible, but also nothing I'd recommend. When the 2nd chapter followed a similar structure, I found myself groaning internally. And by the time the 4th chapter was done, I was barely paying attention anymore, due to how sick I was of the repeating formula. It just goes on, and on, and on.

Even ignoring that, none of the chapters have anything to push it into Good territory. Sure, the prose is okay, and the grammar is fine, but there wasn't a single moment in any of the chapters I read where anything particularly memorable happened. The closest the story came to being memorable was in Chapter 4, while Owlowiscious is counting the gold, but I'd hardly call throwing numbers at the reader endlessly a good way to make yourself memorable. When a story feels more like a math assignment than a story, you should probably consider going back to the drawing board.

Ultimately, I just don't get the appeal here. It's a mediocre story that feels like it's constantly repeating itself. It's not memorable, it's not particularly fun to read, and it really did feel like a waste of potential. Maybe I'm missing something, but I just don't see why this deserves to make it into the group as of now.

Reviewing: Keeping Your Hooves On The Ground

Reviewing: It Must Be Tuesday

Read: Seven chapters

Status: Accepted

This is another of those rousing adventure stories with a title that gives nothing away. I'm extremely wary of Crossovers, as the ones I've previously read lean too heavily on the source material, and one is lost if one is not familiar with such. Fortunately my fears went unfounded in this case, as there are obscure references that are indeed lost on me at first glance, but are quickly discovered through context.

I found myself hanging onto every word as the author builds his story with every bit of imagery at his disposal. I especially LOVED the fact that here is an HiE story where the protagonist does NOT speak the language, an aspect that is conspicuously missing in most if not all the HiE stories I've read. To me it only makes sense that without the use of a Universal Translator ( a la Star Trek ), there should be a problem with communication. If done right, as it is in this case, it only adds to the drama of the tale.

Our main character is a being from Earth, set in the Fallout universe. He escapes his bonds while on a hostile alien ship, which then crash lands on a strange pony-inhabited planet. As I stated before, I found myself completely engaged by the adventures that followed. Another well written aspect is while the character Isaac is basically a super soldier, complete with battle armor, the author saves him from being a Gary Stu by making him vulnerable in that his armor and weapons are mostly damaged, and he faces enemies that are either stronger than himself, or vastly outnumber him.

It is my hope this tale will be finished soon, as I've only a few chapters to go before I read all that is presented. Approved and favorited!

4344364
Nice review, and it's great to see everybody contributing to these reviews. Me and Dapper Guy have been working on the self submissions.

4344364

Reading: From Skies Above

Reading: Render Unto Them Wubs

The Striped Pony
ts_cogwheel
SoL

Ah, Zecora, one of the most underrated characters of the show. We meet with Zecora baking sweets of all things in her hut. She's quickly joined by Applebloom and the two enjoy a meal together. We get to see a maternal side of Zecora as she talks with AB on how she is coming along with school and how the two interact. It's like Applebloom has a foster mother in a sense, a mature mare (or whatever term an adult female zebra is) and takes an interest in what she's doing. The deeper I got into the story, the more in depth we see Zecora's mindset. For most of her life she had been shunned and it's left a deep, psychological, wound within her. Many have shunned this mare and the doubts and the fear still linger within her heart. We see ponies guilt as they recognize their prejudice and the shame they've felt for being wary of Zecora. Sad to see some ponies clinging to fear and one special basket case (or soccer moms with special snowflakes, you know the type that give you a brain aneurism on sight) that sees Zecora as a possible threat.

Story flow was well done even though the chapters were mostly within 2k words. No major grammar infractions or spelling errors that took away from my reading.

Accepted I do enjoy reading OC but I have to admit that writing out and delving into the lives of characters that aren't usually seen on the show draw me in. We know so very little about Zecora and why she decided to live in the Everfree or why she ever came to Equestria. There's such a profound amount of information that is missing here, we need an episode about Zecora folks.

4352570 Added to appropriate foldero.

Neato.

4352585
Yeah, comp is fixed so no need to worries about me disappearing now.

4352589 Sweet.

Reviewing: From Skies Above

Read: Three chapters

Status: Accepted

Now here is an adventure story that hits all the right places. Aliens ( which I assume are Human, but possibly not from Earth ) have crash landed on Equestria, in the no man's land between the borders of the Pony Kingdom and the Gryphon Empire. At first it's a race to see which side gets there first, but there then ensnarles a bloody conflict. This author truly knows how to write action scenes.

The story is rife with grammatical errors, but those surprisingly ( for me ) do not break immersion. The tale is both engaging and exciting, added to the fact that these Humans, due to being attacked first, are not nice in their retaliation. I'm used to stories where the Humans set up an almost immediate friendship with the ponies, but that's not the case here. Just three chapters in, and there's already been blood shed by all three groups. I have no idea how this will end, but I can't wait to find out.

The only other thing I feel I should mention are the illustrations. While done well, I personally do not like illustrations in a story, as I find them distracting and usually opposite the mental picture I've already crafted. Fortunately there are not that many, so there's that. All in all, they do not take away from the tale, unwelcome as they are for me.

I should also mention this story has been cancelled, which initially had me considering rejecting it outright. But I can see from the chapter titles that there is an epilogue, so at least that much of the tale has been completed. I haven't read that far, but I assume it's further notes from the author that he finally decided not to finish. Hopefully that's the case.

Trixie's gettin' back on her hooves
Shadow Raikou
Dark, Com, Adv.

Remember seeing this on deviantart a while back. This story is a nice spin on post Boast Busters, what happened to our well known blueberry stage magician, Trixie. So after the humiliation, brought on by herself, the once great and powerful Trixie is slumming around Canterlot until Twilight Sparkle and Spike find her. Now, some would say that helping the one who publicly humiliates your friends and insults ponies to their face seems a bit far but then again this is Twilight we're dealing with folks. Seriously, I think she may be a tad too forgiving at times but I digress.

Trixie's life wasn't that bad growing up as we see in the story however there was one major bump in the road. Her sister, Checker, always put her younger sister down. When Checker learns of her sister's presence in Ponyville, she uses every means necessary in order to put her down again, seems narcissism runs in the family. It does give amazing details as to why Trixie acts the way she does. The endless torment of your own family spitting on you just because they're talent was probably even brighter than their own.

The plot line was very well done. We have Trixie interact with all of the Mane Six and the Cutie Mark Crusaders as she tries to reinvent herself. As I progressed, I felt that Trixie became more relatable to a victim of abuse. Her constant lashing out and desire to outshine everyone around her stemmed from the wounds she had suffered in her fillyhood.

Accepted. We don't see much of Trixie getting a second chance much and when we do, I don't find these stories particularly engaging. Here, we have family history and how one overcomes the inner demons locked away inside.

Reading: Misunderstandings

I Am Demon
Aquaman
Sex, Gore, Dark, Adv.

Imagine being an adult with the mind of a child. You were born like this, fully functioning and aware of your surroundings yet had no idea as to what you are and what anything is. Your own mind tries to play catch up by inventing words as you try to grasp the world around you. If anything, it's a lot like the Avengers 2 movie with Ultron. This is how 'I Am Demon' struck me. The Windigo, an icy abomination that thrives off of hatred, tries to understand what it is and comprehend the world around it. The ability to sense others emotions and relate them with colors, lot and lots of colors. To try to bring some semblance of understanding what's in front of it.

It's a unique first person story, though it does get hard to understand at times what's going through its mind. Shifting from first to third is a tad frustrating to read at times. A small screen shift would have been preferable to ease in the transition so I could see when the windigo's p.o.v. began and stopped. The spirit tries to create words and associate them with events but its very simplistic or brow furrowing painful to understand. It's both annoying yet very accurate like it is a child trying to use an adult's brain. The colored text is a nice touch however it starts get a tad hard on the eyes as the story progress.

The plot is strong. The first hearth's warming with how the three tribes get together has been a very debate within the fandom. Some have said the play was a lie while others said a tad misconstrued. Bitter enemies suddenly uniting as one? Come on, that sounds too good to be true, folks.

Accepted. For me, I want to see more Windigo stories and how the character itself was shaped, this definetly was a new take on how we perceive these creatures. Till next time, D.G. signing off.

Reviewing: Misunderstandings

Read: Fifteen chapters

Status: Accepted

Another HiE story where the protagonist does not speak the language! Here we have a Human named Peter Collins, who has some skills but not enough to make him a Gary Stu ( far from it ) who suddenly finds himself lost in Equestria. What makes this tale stand out from others I'd read is the characterization of the ponies he initially meets. In particular, there's one pony whom I actually hate named Big Top. The author does such a superb job of fleshing out his characters it is impossible to react neutrally. Add to that Peter comes to Equestria supplied with a .40 caliber Magnum AND the skill to use it, and one can already see the conflict that arises.

There were parts of this story that reminded me of Knight Breeze's What I've Become, another fascinating HiE story I highly recommend. There as here one finds the well known players portrayed in character, as well as the OCs done in such a way one wishes they were canon, and therefore would make appearances outside of these tales.

Fortunately this story is complete, so there's no waiting to read the conclusion. Hopefully there's also a sequel.

Roll for Initiative
Prak

Speaking as someone who's never played D&D, I must admit that this story grabbed attention to the tabletop classic game. Starting off, I had no clue what was happening and nearly stopped reading until we were brought back to reality by the Dungeon Master aka Twilight. We flit between the real word and the adventure of the brave heroes who fight valiantly against the oppressive tyrant, Sombra. In and out of arguments over bad rolls and side conversations, we see our favorite group, the mane six, take the challenge of this game with varying ranges of emotions.

Each of their characters do represent the mane six quite well. It's incredibly amusing the varying classes that are inside of this game that I had no clue existed. Each one revolves around the elements own personal mannerisms and ideals, a paladin for Applejack, a bard for Rarity and Pinkie as a mage. Between Fluttershy releasing her inner rage with her barbarian, Crusher, and Rainbow Dash nerd raging with Daring Do's unfortunate death, I can't pick which one is funnier. Fluttershy, there I said it.

Accepted. This was a good laugh. It had a strong atmosphere to it but at the same time, you knew that six friends were enjoying themselves as they played alongside each other. I'll have to look into this game now. I blame you if I may get hooked on it, Prak.

4388070
Huh. I didn't realize someone had submitted it. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though, and it's nice to get the perspective of someone who isn't familiar with the games it references.

Reading: My Little Marriage: Mary is a Mare

[ Edit ] I'm having some family issues ( nothing too major, but they do take up my time ) so my postings will be a little slower than usual. Hopefully things will be resolved soon.

4350598 2 weeks 4 days since you've started working on that story. I'd appreciate it if you could give me an update on that review. If real life is getting in the way, I'll also like you to keep me informed instead of leaving me in the lurch.

4412689 So sorry! I'm working on it! I promise! Real life did get in the way for a couple of weeks, and I've not been feeling the greatest lately, but I'll try and get 2 or 3 reviews done this week

4412698 Awesome. Looking forward to them. Good luck!

ErraticOverlord
Ashen Apples
Dark, SoL

I find it that first person point of view stories are quite challenging and should be carefully planned out before attempting. This story is where one should be careful of how to approach this type of story setting. We have Applejack, Twilight and Lyra exploring a cave. What frustrated me with this story is how poorly it was structured. In a majority of my reviews, I note how the structure of a story flows. Story progression allows a reader to identify and recognize how characters develop and interact. In this fic, there wasn't much of this. Sentences are choppy and usually end in a said-ism. It gets redundant fast here to the point it felt like I was reading a script.

The plot is rather rigid and painfully blunt. Characters were thrown at me like a baseball pitch. No real description or depth to them. We're given names and not much more. Another small tidbit is show something to let your readers know when a characters is thinking. Putting out sentences can lead to serious confusion for readers if they can't tell the difference between the two.

Rejected. This needs an overhaul. Find an editor my friend, there's more than few grammatical errors and phrasing that are splattered all over your story.

Reviewing: My Little Marriage: Mary is a Mare

Read: Four chapters

Status: Rejected

Sigh. There's only one word I can think of that accurately describes this tale: boring.

It starts out with a retrospection by the main character, who is dealing with the fact she's somehow turned into a candy-colored, talking mare. Then the story shifts back to when she was Human, and goes into three VERY long chapters about her trials and tribulations with her husband and two children. Even with the knowledge that this would somehow shift into a pony fic, I found myself struggling to keep reading, as the aforementioned trials and tribulations are just so bland and clichè.

Nothing exciting happens, even when we're brought to the present and Mary wakes up one morning to find herself changed. There is no process described, no explanation is even hinted at: one moment she's Human, the next she's not. Her reactions to her new condition are also predictable, so while such an event should be exciting, it's just...not.

It's quite possible this tale improves by the fifth chapter, but it simply did not hold my interest long enough for me to find out.

Reading: Project Sunflower: Harmony

If this one is half as good as the one that preceded it, this review should be cake.

4352570

"No major grammar infractions or spelling errors that took away from my reading."

A little late, but I'm very happy to hear this. The author's a non-native speaker, so I volunteered to touch up the English. I'm glad to know I did a good job.

Reviewing: Project Sunflower: Harmony

Read: Four chapters

Status: Accepted

Okay, this is definitely NOT a stand-alone story. One would not only be lost but most likely uninterested if the preceding tale, Project Sunflower, had not been read first. I have a feeling the main character Erin is one of this author's favorites, as he has written so much about her. It also shows in his writing, for she is well-rounded and extremely likable, even in this latest incarnation.

There's a fair bit of world-building in this tale, on top of the work that was done in fleshing out the main story. As mentioned I've only read four chapters, but I can already see where this tale will remove from the original. I've not yet determined if that will be an improvement, but the story is engaging enough for further reading.

Reading: I Should Never Have Bought That Pony

This one looks like fun already.

Reviewing: I Should Have Never Bought That Pony

Read: Seven chapters

Status: Accepted ( barely )

The problem I have with this fic is all the characters, and I mean ALL of them, are so damn irritating.

It starts out with some parents being hounded by their little brat of a daughter to give her a pony for Christmas. Instead of sensibly telling her "no", and that a two bedroom apartment in the middle of New York is no place for a pony, the dad gives in and tells her he'll do it. In one of the most contrived circumstances I've ever read, the dad goes to a bar and just happens to meet a certain yellow eyed stranger who just happens to be selling "lifelike" toys, who all turn out to be most of the fillies from Ponyville. So this Discord is not only a prankster, he's moved on to felonies like foalnapping. At first I was amused by his antics, for I kept waiting for the second shoe to drop, but now by chapter seven I simply can't stand him. And he's not even the worse character.

The only thing, the ONLY thing that saved this story for me is the AU tag. Because of that, I was able to suspend belief and just roll with it, because as bad as all the characters are I have to know what happens next. Maybe I'm being too generous.

I can only hope there is a satisfying conclusion to all the plot devices in this tale, for I'll be very disappointed otherwise.

Reading: You Can Fight Fate

This is actually the third installment of this trilogy, and I've only read the first one. Hopefully nothing will be lost between that and this one.

4412698 Still waiting. I was promised a review on Monday.

It is now Thursday. Where you at?

Gangster baby is pissed. He likes reading reviews. You gonna' make gangster baby mad?

Please hurry. He's holding my family hostage. He's crazy! Send reviews to 8, help-me Street, Nottingham.

4436593 Sorry, I forgot to remind you I'm quite busy lately, I'll get it done tomorrow! I'll release your family tomorrow!

Reviewing: Render Unto Them Wubs

Status: Accepted

I really wanted to like the first few paragraphs, and I just couldn't get into it. But you improved towards the middle.

The description is evenly balanced, the grammar is perfect, and it has a great flow.

My favourite line to this story was:

The Glasses Hide The Truth

. It's like a coming out of your shell kind of fan fiction, and a shipping with no actual shipping included. Pretty much friendshipping, only Vinyl has a crush on Octavia from what I read, and Tavi's feelings aren't revealed.

The main plot of this story is what got me interested in it, leaving me wanting to read more. There should be a sequel to this soon! It deserves more popularity!

If you are to read this story (I strongly recommend you do) I suggest you listen to some not heavy bass in the background, just some light dubstep. What I listened to was Energy Sway and Prototype VIP, both by Glaze/The Wooden Toaster.

4436593 I REALSED YOUR FAMILY! I REVIEWED A STORY!!!

4442018 Excellent! You interrupted my follow-up nagging mid-type.

(My family is happy too)

4442033 *party hard*

Reviewing: Ascending?

Status: Accepted

Yes, I know I was the one who submitted this, but yolo

To start, you've got Celestia and Luna's personality and voices almost spot on! Luna is speaking in her, I don't know how to describe it, I'll just say in her show accurate formality, and Celestia is slightly out of character at times, but you would expect that from somebody who has just tried to make 5 ponies into alicorns but they can't accept that as their destiny.

Your headcannon is very believable on the whole Twilcorn subject, she chose it because it was her destiny, she was cit to be a princess, whilst the rest of her friends are not ready, and probably won't be ready for their ascension for many years to come, maybe even never!

I love it how the rest of the mane 6 couldn't accept it as their destiny, it was their choice whether they thought they were ready to ascend or not. Even Twilight isn't used to it, so they obviously see that they would struggle more than Twilight herself.

I read this story when it was first released, and submitted it today, but I couldn't help myself!

4442017

The main plot of this story is what got me interested in it, leaving me wanting to read more. There should be a sequel to this soon! It deserves more popularity!

That story is a semi continuation of What The Heart Wants. (which is also in the submission folder)

4442923 I review it now! Or tomorrow! Idk....

4442488

Playing a dangerous game.

4442488 This time around, I'm going to have to ask for more detail regarding why the headcanons are believable, why that makes it good, etc. In short, I'd appreciate you going into more detail, if only a little.

I understand that this isn't self submissions, and the people here aren't looking for long, lengthy reviews, but that's just comments stuff. If someone was to come to me and ask me what makes the story special, if I were to read the review there, I wouldn't have enough ammo to stand my ground. And that kinda' makes HapHazred UnHappyHazred.