Everything Wrong With: The Mare of the Night
By flint-lock
Sins by BronyWriter
Spoilers
(duh)

Stay cool, stay calm. Stay cool, stay calm..."

Not actually a sin, just the first thing I thought of.

If he was good enough, the bull might actually believe it.

That's racist. Ding 1

The ebony conference room doors slowly creaked open and the minotaur Speaker clomped in, carrying himself with all the grace and subtlety one would expect from a five hundred pound man-bull.

Also racist. Ding 2

“The Ekklesia and this one have discussed the terms of your ‘UN’’s proposal,” Big Stick said, pronouncing “UN” as “Yoo’Enn”. Daniels stomach began pulling Immelman’s. This was it.
“...And, after much deliberation over telegraph,” Big Stick paused for a second, as if he enjoyed making Daniel squirm. ”We have decided that that their revised proposal is acceptable.”

Need to hit enter again to make this a defined new paragraph. In fact, this problems shows up in the story a lot. Like, more than any other problem. It's worth twenty sins. That's how often. Ding 22

Humanity’s representative returned the embrace

Seems odd referring to Daniel, the protagonist, by his title instead of, you know, his name. Ding 23

Daniel replied, reeling like a punch drunk boxer. The Speaker left. Daniel pulled off the crash helmet

The middle sentence reads oddly to me. It's rather telly and definitely clunky. Ding 24

He felt like an orange that had just been squeezed dry; used up, and ready for the compost heap.

He was never drinking orange juice again.

Wait, what? Why not? I get that he doesn't like the analogy in reference to himself, but I can't see why that would mean he never wants to drink orange juice again. Ding 25

Daniel popped his neck and whipped out his pocket watch; Nine thirty five.

If you're going with the semi-colon here, and I'm not totally sold that you should, then the nine doesn't need to be capitalized. Ding 26

Sometimes his meetings could take up to half a day. Especially with the griffons. Those cat-birds loved making people wait.

And thaaaaatttssss racist! Ding 27

“Ambassador Habbuck?” Daniel turned to see his personal pony guards trotting up to him, their ceremonial gold armor gleaming in the light from the embassy’s mage-light chandelier. Daniel restrained himself; even after five years of living in Equestria, there were still times when he was tempted to pick up one of the natives and squeeze them like a teddy bear.

Why, though? I mean, these are armed guards wearing armor. No matter what was underneath the armor, I wouldn't want to squeeze something holding a weapon because why would I? And he even had to restrain himself from doing it? Pony or no, I can't see him wanting to hug an armed guard. Ding 28

“How did your negotiations fare, Your Eminence?” asked the taller of the two guards. Daniel kept forgetting the pair’s names—some verb or noun combo related to their occupation—so, out of convenience, he’d secretly dubbed the tall one “George” and his shorter companion “Lenny”.

Except in Of Mice and Men George was the smaller one and Lenny was the big one. Also, Lenny was a mentally challenged man who accidentally killed pretty much everything he touched, so is that the name you want to give to one of the ponies guarding you? Now, you may say "Bronywriter, you nitpicky pegasus, it doesn't matter if the names match up to the book, that's just what he calls them! You're nitpicking!"

...

Yep! Ding 29

“Danny, Danny, Danny,” The yellow earth pony said

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. 2. the "the" doesn't need to be capitalized. Ding 30

Heard that you were talking to one of those minny’s. ” He clicked his tongue. ”

Space after the period. Ding 31 I could also mention the racist phrase, but he's supposed to do that because of his character. I could still sin it, though... Ding 32

He chuckled “Hey, speaking of which,can I ask you something?”

1. Missing period after "chuckled."
2. Missing space after the comma. Ding 33

“Next time you see the Princess. could you perhaps, have her take a look at this?” Kickback handed him a manilla folder. ‘It’s another proposal I’ve been cooking up; a targeted 5% tax cut for Canterlot-based companies.”

1. period instead of a comma.
2. need a quotation mark here.
3. It should be five percent, not 5%. Ding 34

The human shivered

Again, why not just call him by his name? Ding 35

Good to see ‘ya!”

You don't need the mark there because it's not representing a shortened word. Ding 36

“You too.” Daniel said

Comma, not period. Ding 37

With friends like them, he wouldn’t mind a few enemies. At least they’d be honest.

"With friends like these who needs enemies?" cliche. Ding 38

As hooves clip clopped on cobblestone streets as old as England

This is kind of a bizarre way to put it. Are you saying that literally? Why England specifically? It wasn't the only country with cobblestone roads, not even close. So I'm not sure what the point of saying 'as old as England' is. Ding 39

Daniel spotted a guide leading a group of human tourists through the streets. He could see the flashes of their disposable cameras like miniature lightning bolts, hear them oohing and ahhing at things he saw every day.

The story just said before that it was nighttime. I can't see why they'd want to do night tours of Canterlot. It can't be as brightly lit as Earth cities. Or maybe it is, but it still wouldn't make sense. Just do it in the day. Ding 40

Crown Jewel of Equestria his hairy human ass.The fancy architecture was just a facade

Missing space. Ding 41

ignoring the slight tingle from the vehicles’ multiple protection wards.“What’s going on?”

1. Another missing space.
2. "vehicles'" implies more than one vehicle. Just write "vehicle's" Ding 42

The cabbie motioned to a team of Earth Ponies in construction

"earth ponies" doesn't need to be capitalized. Ding 43

“Do it.” Daniel said.

Should be a comma. Ding 44

“Hey ‘ya big monkey!”
The drunken stallion reeled, taking a swig from the bottle in his hoof.
“Get outta my country.” The inebriated equine slurred and hurled the half empty bottle at the ambassadorial cart. Before it could make contact,
Lenny jumped up and caught the bottle in his mouth, while George leapt off the carriage, brandishing his spear.

1. the same pony is speaking. No need for another paragraph.
2. there's a paragraph after "contact". No need for it. Ding 45

“Are you alright, your Eminence?” asked George

Missing period. Ding 46

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Daniel said.

Should be a comma. In fact, just... five more sins for all of them so I don't have to keep pointing them out. Ding 51

“What’s going on?” He yelled.

Improper capitalization. Ding 52

“Guys, listen .If I help, it’ll go much faster,”

Period is in the wrong place. Ding 53

“The faster it goes, the less time we have to stay here”

Missing period. I'm just going to add five more sins for all of the period problems. Ding 58

Saloons sprouted like barnacles

Barnacles are not plants. They do not sprout. Ding 59

“A Batpony?”

Bat ponies. -Ding 58

Daniel scrutinized the thestral a little more

Earlier "thestral" was capitalized. I personally feel that not capitalizing it is right, but either way, be consistent. Ding 59

They lit up their horns and began scanning the batty equine

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Ding 60

The two waved their horns around the thestrals’ body

Again, one bat pony, so it should be "thestral's." Ding 61

The thestral continued through her list of “services”, rattling off her services like

Using "services" twice in one sentence. Ding 62

Daniel caught a glimpse of her cutiemark: a

"cutie mark" is two words. What's more is that it's written correctly for the rest of the story. Ding 63

Starlight crossed her forelegs and scowled. “Look, Mr. Hotshot. I am what you would call a streetwalker. A whore. Ponies throw me bits and I lift my tail. Talking is not part of that. If what you want is talking, there are plenty of other ponies on the street.” She turned around and started climbing out of the carriage.

Why wouldn't she go for this? I mean, we find out later that this is a soul-sucking job that she only got into because she had no other way to raise her son. So if some guy wants to pay her to shoot the breeze for a little bit, why wouldn't that appeal to her? She gets the money without the demeaning sex. Ding 64

I suppose that I could,how do you say, chew the rag with you.”

Missing space. And five more sins so I don't have to keep pointing it out. Ding 69

“Ting a ling!”

Since this isn't dialogue, it shouldn't have quotation marks. Ding 70

“All right” Joe turned to Starlight.

Missing comma. Ding 71

The human

Once more he refers to the protagonist by his species, not his name. Five more sins for all of those instances. Ding 76

or example, there’s Lord Fancy Pants and his wife, Councillor Fleur de Lis.

Spelling Fleur's name correctly. -Ding 75

“Uh, tell me, If you are hating your job so much

Improper capitalization. Ding 76

Starlight let out a strange, clicking laugh. “So I have heard.”

The story already mentioned her clicking laugh, but the phrasing here makes it seem like it's the first time it's been brought up. Ding 77

“My full name… My full name is Starlight Dockkya Sim’ya NightFlyer.”

vas Normandy. Ding 78

Daniel started. In Thestral society,

Started what? Ding 79

“I survived. I took up every job under Her sacred moon. Laborer, farm hand, construction worker,

1. So bat ponies worship Luna on some level? I'm not sinning that, I'm just curious.
2. Ponies have hooves. Why would they call it a farm "hand"? Ding 80

Starlight disembarked quickly. “Here is where I will get off.”

But you and Danny haven't done anything yet and... oh, right, get off the carriage. Got it.

...

Come on, it's a story about a prostitute. I had to put at least one sex joke in there. Ding 81

“Oh, of course!” Daniel took out his bit purse and dug through it. “Lets see... I know I had it—there they are!” Daniel exclaimed and fished out

three platinum bits. He pressed the silvery coins into Starlight’s hoof. “Here you are.”

New paragraph in the middle of the sentence. Ding 82

Daniel blushed. Kissed by a thestral. One more thing to cross off his bucket list.

When did he put that on his bucket list? Ding 83

“I am kidding. After the kindness you showed me, you are being the only person who I would refuse service.” Her expression grew serious. “And it would be breaking my heart if you ever wanted it.”

Until the sequel when you fall in love. Ding 84

Basking in his newly found bliss, Daniel remembered something. He pulled out his day planner. Yes. His maid, Featherduster, was retiring in a week. He’d need to find a replacement.

Well isn't that a nice, convenient way to get a happy ending? Ding 85

Okay, fine. I've been a nitpicky jerk to this story so far. I really do enjoy this one. Promise. -Ding 80

Final sin tally: 80
Sentence...

...

...

Falling in love with a mare (and then she gets coronated.)