“C’mon, Jorge! Twilight’s waiting!”

“She can wait a few minutes!”

“You clearly haven’t seen pregnant Twilight…”

Three sentences in and my job is already being jacked by Dash.

Dash stayed silent for a moment, then nodded. “Good.” With a grin on her face, she flared her wings open. “I bet ya I’ll make it to Twilight’s before you do.”

This is a highly da-

Jorge narrowed his eyes. “No you’re not.”

“...What do you mean ‘no I’m not’?” Dash asked.

“You’ll hurt the foal, Rainbow!” Jorge stomped a hoof on the ground.

Mhm. Great chapter. GREAT CHAPTER DUDE. All the serious sinning is done by itself and almost NONE is saved for me. Good f*cking sh*t. I'm shoving 5 sins in because this is absolute horsesh-

If I see this happen again, the sins are going to be permanently doubled.

“No I won’t!” Dash retorted. “If anything, our foal will probably end up tough like me!”

That's not ho-

“It doesn’t work that way…”

JORGE WHAT THE F*CK DID I JUST SAY

“So for the time being, no flying.” Jorge stated.

“What!?” Dash shouted, her eyes going as wide as basketballs. “What do you mean no flying?!”

This is like telling a fat person to stop eating so much. I have full rights to say this sentence for I too, am a fat person. Not obese tho.

Dash raised an eyebrow, her expression growing into a more angered one. “And what is it that I do?”

Looks like the hormones finally kicked in.

“Okay…” Jorge spoke back, kissing her forehead gently. “Now… We’d better hurry, if we take any longer, Twilight’ll probably grab Shadow, and use him to stab me to death…”

Logically, I would say that that is pretty much impossible. But, a woman did stab someone with a squirrel so I guess anything is possible.

It wasn't a real squirrel, if I recall correctly.

“If Shadow had a horn, I’d bet she’d try to stab me using his horn, too.” He chuckled, smiling as he watched his wife laugh along with him.

“And then she’ll just yell at him for stabbing me. Even though it was her fault...”

There is no reason why Jorge's second dialogue should be on a new line. Sure, it looks clean, but it's incorrect formatting. And since there's no name assigned to it, it looks like a new character is speaking.

“Why are they taking so long!?” Twilight shouted. “They should’ve been here five minutes ago!”

Every. Parent. Ever.

“Oh shut up.” Twilight retorted. “You’re five minutes late, the pizza’s starting to get cold.”

Jorge feigned a gasp. “Oh no! Five whole minutes! The already flaming hot pizza’s starting to run cold in only five minutes!”

Sarcasm like this can get you kicked in the shin in the real world. I know this from experience.

Jorge simply nodded in agreement. “There had better be pineapples in one of them…”

“Well you see...at the start is was a simple walk down a fiery path...” Shadow began, “And then, I got to see the gates of Hell. And then they opened... and all of hell broke loose.”

“Uh. The complete opposite of Twilight…” Jorge explained. “She’s extremely cuddly, extremely clingy, but she gets so adorable at times…”

“YOU LUCKY B*STARD!” Shadow stomped a hoof onto the floor. “I GET THE DEMON PREGNANCY, AND YOU GET THE ANGEL PREGNANCY!?”

Because main character convenience.

Jorge looked off to the distance, watching as their wives continued to talk to each other as they continued to eat their pizza, which appeared to have rather strange toppings, such as pickles and some potato chips from a bag Shadow left lying around, but otherwise they were still calmly talking.

Pickles and cheese do not mix. PICKLES AND CHEESE DO NOT MIX!

“Please, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Famous last words.

TSC: 535
Sentence: Pickle and potato chip pizza. (Cravings are a strange thing)

What's this? A second post?! It's a [late] Christmas miracle!

Shadow laid awake as the sun peaked over the horizon, its bright rays cutting through the morning gray and stinging his eyes. He groaned, blinking and rubbing his eyes against the light, looking over to his wife, who was still sound asleep. As he got up, he quickly pecked her cheek before making his way down to the kitchen, making himself breakfast while becoming clouded in thought..

I like this introduction.

He sat munching toast when a sudden crashing sound snapped him out of his reverie. He turned around to find Spike laying on the floor surrounded by broken glass.

“You just had to break the goddamn window...” Shadow lamented. “Now I gotta have that fixed... Why did you come through the window and not the door anyways?”

“Well… You see—” Spike began to say before being interrupted.

“Nevermind, I don’t care.” Shadow interrupted bluntly.

Damn it, I wanted to know why he came through the window.

“I need you go get Fluttershy for me. I need her to take care of Twi for me while I’m gone.” Shadow explained.

Did Shadow lowkey call Twilight an animal? No wait, ponies are animals. But, then-- AGH I'M CONFUSING MYSELF!

“I’ll come see you when I get back.” Shadow noted. “Although..while I’m there..want me to pick you up any Celestial Bananas?”

“Sure.” Jorge nodded. “I’ll be sure to stab you with all the ones you bring.”

He ain't joking.

“I’m a prince, you dumbasses…” Shadow groaned. “Remember? Princess Twilight’s wedding? Remember the f*ggot she married? I’m that f*ggo— I… didn’t word that correctly…”

No, no you did not.

“So, Twilight’s pregnancy is starting to become out of hoof for me to handle. Her mood swings range from being pissed as f*ck, to clingy at the rarest occasion. So, I was wondering… Could I have ma—”

“No.”

I guess this is the new "f*ck a tree" thing where Celestia constantly interrupts Shadow.

“This is Princess Luna’s chamber, what business do you have in there?” One of the guards inquired.

“Besides, she is still asleep.” The other guard added.

“One, I need to speak with her…” Shadow explained. “And two… so?”

Both of the guards deadpanned, looking at each other, then back at Shadow.

“Very well.” One of the guards spoke, stepping out of the way.

It's never this easy to get inside such a room, and we all know that.

Shadow narrowed his eyes, deciding to move on to plan B. “C’mon, Luna… Time to wake up…” He grabbed Luna’s blankets, and yanked them off of her.

Luna’s eyes shot wide open. “INTRUDER!” She shouted loudly, immediately pointing her horn in Shadow’s direction, firing a large blast at magic at him.

Well that escalated quickly.

“I’M NOT AN INTRUDER!” Shadow shouted back. “HOLY F*CK!”

“THEN WHO ART THOU?” Luna asked in her Royal ‘Canterlot voice’ “AND WHY ART THOU WAKENING ME IN MINE CHAMBERS?”

“IT’S ME, SHADOW!” Shadow explained, still shouting like a madman. “I’M NOT A RAPIST, I’M NOT AN INTRUDER, I’M JUST SHADOW!”

The guards should've thrown him out by this point. But apparently they're deaf. So is Shadow.

“It does not take much effort for me to raise the moon.” Luna began, partially entering her chambers before stopping and speaking to the guards once more, “I shall be returning to mine chambers now, while I am speaking with my visitor please ensure that not even mine sister is permitted to enter.”

There's no possible way these guards can sc-

“Hold up, guys…” Celestia spoke, trying her best to imitate the cuban. “Twilight screwed up a spell, and now I somehow look like Celestia… And my mouth somehow isn’t moving…” She explained. “I just need to get in there to get Shadow’s help with something…”

The guards looked at each other, their eyebrows raised, then looked back at “Jorge”.

“Uh-huh… And how did you know Prince Shadow was in here?”

“Celestia told me.”

“Oh, okay.” The guards nodded, quickly stepping out of the way. “Right this way…”

Mother of f*ck who educated these guards?

“Thanks!” ‘Jorge’ nodded, making his way into the room, but pausing right at the door as ‘he’ pulled something out of nowhere. “Here, have a banana.”

This act alone should have set something off in their brains, but it did not.

Oh, and also:

Somehow, Jorge felt a disturbance. And it bothered him greatly, as his whole body began to cringe softly as long as he continued to think about it.

I CALL BULLSH*T

Luna did exactly what he asked. She booked him the fastest train to the Crystal Kingdom.

What he didn’t expect, however, was the train actually hitting hyperspace.

[Insert scientific facts about how Shadow should've died on this train here]

Flash froze in his tracks, turning his head back at Shadow. “Are you kidding me? I’m not getting involved in waking up Princess Cadance from her nap…”

Apparently this chapter is also "Waking Up Princesses" simulator.

In an instant, Shadow blinked as the pegasus guard went as far as using his wings to get a boost to run away from the scene. He then shrugged, not seeming to care anymore. He looked back at the doors in front of him, grabbing one of the handles, and giving it a gentle tug.

After a couple of attempts, Shadow realized his efforts were futile, as the doors would not budge. He raised an eyebrow, attempting to pull on the door harder, only for that to fail as well.

At least TRY to push the doors as well. I mean, even if it doesn't work, at least you know both options won't work then.

Luckily, he wasn’t greeted by a wallpaper that was as mentally scarring as the last time he held this phone. He turned the volume up to its complete maximum, looked through the songs carried in the phone, and began to play it, with the phone’s speakers facing Cadance’s door.

“NOW WATCH ME WHIP. NOW WATCH ME NAE NA—”

In an instant, the doors were slammed open, one of them smashing right into his face. With a soft thump, Shadow fell to the ground, nearly passing out from the intense blow to the face.

“WHOEVER IS PLAYING THAT INFERNAL SH*T EXTREMELY LOUD IS GOING STRAIGHT TO THE DUNGEON!”

Even Cadance knows what a ter-(This sentence has been cut off to ensure Mr. Unidentified's safety)

“I can hardly stay focused anymore...” Shadow fell silent, as he laid down resting his head on his hooves.

“Well...” Cadance started, as she draped a wing over Shadow, but was cut short as Shining let himself into the room

“What’re we talking about?” He nonchalantly said, coming the rest of the way through the door.

You see, these are the kind of people ponies that everyone hates. Knock first, enter later.

Also, where's that period at?

Shining, finally noticing the look his lovely wife was giving him, quickly said “I can help, I swear.”

“You have five seconds until I show Shadow that sisterly love is nothing compared to my love for you.” She calmly stated

First off, no period again. If this happens one more time, I'm squaring the sins.

Secondly, surely it can't be any worse than a broken bone, right?

Shining groaned, rubbing his head as he tried to poke the watermelon stuck on his horn without hurting himself more.

I stand corrected.

“Whatever happened to ‘bros before hoes’?”

“Are you calling your wife a hoe?” Shadow raised an eyebrow, sitting down on the floor.

I'm done. I've seen everything, no need for me to con-

What do you mean I can't quit my job? Ugh, fine.

“And four… It’s really funny seeing you locked up in your own dungeon.”

Well, at least someone got sent to the dungeon.

“SHADOWWWWWW!”

Didn't I do a thing where I gave sins whenever Shadow's name was shouted dramatically? Or am I just losing my mind again... WE'LL DO IT ANYWAYS!

Jorge narrowed his eyes, looking further into the bag, deadpanning as soon as he saw a certain object under his phone. He stuck his hoof in the bag, pulling out a gold banana. “Seriously?”

How many sins is a golden banana even worth? Eh, f*ck it. MULTIPLY!

“Do you know where this banana is going?”

“To the black market? That sh*t’s real gold…”

“Nope.”

“Up Celestia’s ass?”

Whoa, no one told me things were going to be this kinky.

Shadow went wide-eyed. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Jorge narrowed his eyes. “Try me.”

----------------------------------------

“Jorge…” Shadow took a step back, noticing his cuban friend slowly walking towards him. “Don’t do it, Jorge…”

Unnecessary new scene is unnecessary.

TSC: 292
Sentence: ShadowDoesThings