Everything Wrong With: Bad Habit
By ScousePone
Sins by BronyWriter
Spoilers
(duh)

“It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen Rarity,” Coco said to herself as she trotted over to her calendar.

Maybe this is a bit nitpicky (as all BronyWriter pegasi are) but Coco doesn't strike me as the kind of pony who would talk to herself. It feels like a clunky way to get exposition across. Ding 1

She loved taking in the sights and sounds of the city; while many found the city to be all hustle and bustle, Rarity found it to be somewhat peaceful.

There's no need to use a semi-colon to make this one sentence. Just make it two. It flows better that way. Ding 2

Ponies greeted each other with a smile and a tip of the hat.

Um... that is not the Manehattan we see in the show. Ding 3

The doorman lifted his hat and gave Rarity a hearty hello; she smiled back and gave him a small tip for his friendliness as well.

Unneeded semi-colon. Just make this two sentences. Ding 4

“Silly Rarity, almost forgetting Coco’s room number, good thing you brought that paper though!”

Comma splice. Ding 5

When it arrived, Rarity was surprised at how nice it was!

Exclamation points don't work well for third person narration. Ding 6 Also, show don't tell. Ding 7

counting the room numbers until she reached 1109; Coco’s room.

A full colon is needed here, not a semi-colon. Ding 8

They moved out a few months ago, so I decided to save up and make it my own!” she said proudly while

A said tag doesn't really work here. It just breaks the flow. Ding 9

Rarity said before taking a seat on Coco’s sofa, the cushions so soft that she could just fall asleep and never wake up.

Comma splice. Ding 10

As Coco prepared their drinks, Rarity reached for the newspaper lying on the coffee table in front of her. The headline took up half the page.

What? Why? That would remove a lot of room for the story itself, which is what ponies would actually want to read when they saw the headline. Plus we also find out that the front page has a photo. Is the story on the front page itself only three lines? Ding 11

FASHION DESIGNER MURDERED-SUSPECT NOT FOUND.

1. Make this two sentences. 2. Exclamation points would work better here. Ding 12

“I wonder why the killer decided to cut out the tongue. It’s a rather interesting thing to do,” Rarity commented.

“Maybe they wanted to teach them a lesson, you know, maybe the victim wasn’t careful with their words.

Rarity doesn't immediately get suspicious of Coco's comment. Ding 13

“In your letter, you mentioned a line of new dresses; mind if I get a sneak peek?”

Did a pair of sentences murder your family? Why all of the unneeded semi-colons? Just... ten sins so I don't need to keep going back to it. Ding 23

Four mannequins were modeling four dresses, respectfully.

As opposed to modeling five. Ding 24

“Oh, the one two nights ago?” Rarity asked, peeking over her shoulder.

“Yup! The public’s really looking forward to its official release,” Coco said with pride.

“I don’t mean to make the subject all morbid again, but wasn’t that the same fashion show where that designer was found murdered?” Rarity asked, her voice somewhat quieter than before.

As opposed to the other fashion show that took place two days earlier in Manehattan? Ding 25

“I’m sorry for bringing it back up, it probably makes you upset.”

Ten more sins for the comma splices. Ding 35

“I don’t look upset, do I?” Coco laughed off Rarity’s assumption.

The second sentence reads a bit awkwardly. Ding 36

“Actually, another designer tried to steal my idea,” Coco growled as she grimaced, her voice taking a more serious tone..

Two periods at the end of the sentence. Ding 37

I can’t even begin to tell you how livid I was at Suri when she stole my fabric during Fashion Week last year,” Rarity recalled

Unneeded said tag Ding 38

“Speaking of Suri,” Rarity continued, “I haven’t heard from her in a while. I know she wasn’t the nicest pony the last time I saw her, but I still would like to try and get back the friendship we once had,” Rarity said with a faint smile.

1. Two said tags in the paragraph. Ding 38 2. Why would Suri talk with Rarity at all? Has Rarity been contacting her? Ding 39

Unfortunately, I can’t exactly remember where she went; it might have been overseas,” Coco said, pretending to dig deep in memory to recall the details.

Why are you telling us that she's pretending? I mean, anyone with half a brain knows that Coco killed Suri at this point, but this isn't written from Coco's perspective. It seems pretty telly Ding 40

Coco shrugged and sat down in one of the studios chairs. “I don’t miss her,” she said bluntly. “She was awful to me, never giving me the recognition or respect I deserved. I was the one that did all the work!”
Coco’s face turned a light pink, her eyes narrowing slightly. Working for Suri was supposed to be her dream job, her gateway to stardom in Manehattan. Instead, it had been a complete nightmare, a job that bordered on punishment and slavery.

1. There isn't an extra space between the two paragraphs. Ding 41 2. The second paragraph is telling us, not showing us. Again, this story isn't told from Coco's perspective. Ding 42

softly running it down till she reached her back.

It would be better to use "until" Ding 43

It made my stomach turn. I hated it. When I twisted the knife in Suri, I felt like I had cleansed the world of something evil and helped every pony that was like me.”

So wait, why did you leave the other body out for ponies to find, but you hid Suri's body? Wouldn't it be better to hide all of them to minimize your chances of getting caught? Seems like you only left that one to get the story going. Ding 44

“I’m glad you told me all this, darling.” Rarity smiled sweetly. Her horn began to glow as she levitated the pair of scissors off the ground. She brought them to Coco’s hooves, running the blades along the soles and up her legs until they grazed the bottom of her chin.

So... is Rarity about to murder Coco? Why would she do this obviously unsettling thing? Ding 45

“I’m glad you told me all this, darling.” Rarity smiled sweetly. Her horn began to glow as she levitated the pair of scissors off the ground. She brought them to Coco’s hooves, running the blades along the soles and up her legs until they grazed the bottom of her chin.

Coco smiled back at her, happy that she wasn’t horrified or scared. She acted like a true friend.

“Because you’re not the only one.”

So Rarity is just a serial killer at the very end of the story because... reasons. It never even goes anywhere. The story just ends. Ding 46 And it wasn't even a Secret Life of Rarity reference. Ding 47

Final sin tally: 47
Sentence...

...

...

You find out your friend is a serial killer (and you're randomly one too!)

5529102 No sin bonuses for clunky sentences? Eh, still a good read!