[Commentary/Review] Finding the Rainbow {Sad} *What a Twist!* - The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group!

Tidal

Group Admin

Tidal #1 · Jan 18th, 2014 · 1 · ·

This is my first commentary... That being said. LETS DO THIS

This is one of them review things from Tidal, (Who thinks he's good at it, and thanks those who lie to him when they tell him he is) Story being reviewed is Finding the Rainbow by Joyous Apple Shout out as well to Florarena Crimsonflame for doing the cool cover art!

Memory. I don't have any. All I know about my past is what this pony named Twilight is telling me. Apparently my name is Rainbow dash, and that's all i understand. Everything else is either too confusing or she won't tell me. Every time I do something in front of her, she just looks at me disappointed. Should I be worried? What am I doing wrong? I can't help but feel, I'm not who I was. I just want to make everything the way they say it was again, but, how?

Here is the description. Sad stories seem to love memory loss, shoot I'm writing a memory loss one. Its all up to how the author writes to tell how sad it is. With Amnesia stories you have almost limitless possibilities!

And so we open.

Pain. That is what I feel. I try to open my eyes, but when I do, I have something covering my face. Then I hear yelling. The noise hurts my head.

I have a feeling she has a headache. Boom. Review completed

“Get the morphine, get the morphine! She’s coming to. The patient is waking up. Quick. Give me that! Put it in her leg!”

Then this happens... and I'm over here flipping out trying to find out what could've happened to our dear Rainbow Dash!

The doctor got up and looked to me and then smiled. He then began to walk to the door to the room and exited. Seconds later, it opened and five Mares entered. One was a orange earth pony with a cowboy hat and a blonde mane. She was followed by a yellow pegasus with a pink mane who just walked in, and looked at the ground timidly. Then a White unicorn with a purple mane. Then a purple pegasus, er uh, unicorn, I mean alicorn came in and smiled to me.

Obviously this is a Power Rangers crossover fic. This isn't what I signed up for.

“Hey, Dashie. Feeling better? Maybewhenyougetouticanthrowa’rainbowdashisbetterparty’!!” Shouts the pink one in my face.

*Squee*

I don’t do anything. I am stuck. I finally find my voice, and quietly whisper, not so much to her, but to myself, “Who is Rainbow?”

This is where I stopped being silly and remembered the situation at hand.

I look down, and see my hooves on the ground. The ground seems to be miles away. I get a weird feeling in my gut. Then I get scared, Because I begin to fall. I’m falling, the trip takes forever, and I can’t stop my heart from pounding.

I almost immediately realize what is happening. The only thing I'm thinking at this point is... WHAT A TWIST! (Finally found a way to use that emote... life completed)

The question hit me hard. I am Rainbow, aren’t I? But. But. I Feel dizzy. I look at them one more time. Their faces fading away. They continued to fade, until they were replaced by black.

This is the end of chapter 1. So after Rainbow questions herself for the longest time she just passes out at the sign of her best friends. OF COURSE I'm gonna wanna read chapter 2 to see what happens next!

CHAPTER 2

As I’m about to jump out of the bed, I stop. I look to my left and see that the bed was only three and a half feet off the ground, but I felt as if at that height, you could fall a certain way and get hurt really bad. That can kill. I look down, and get a weird feeling in my gut. I feel the height overtake me.

I still can't get over just how damn clever this is... This would be the perfect opportunity for the Wonderbolts to show up and offer Rainbow a spot on the team

I had to make sure the next time I saw him. Ask him who I really am.

Probably should've been something you asked right away Rainbow.

but where is my home? Do I have a home?

LOL! She only has the most badass house ever... but wait until you see how high it is

Her job has been told of her medical related absence. so no worry on bills and all of that.

I'm going to work tomorrow with amnesia. It seems to work

We eventually made it to a clearing and stopped. She turned to me and smiled, she pointed up and my eyes followed her hoof. I followed it up and all I could see was a big cloud. I looked back at her in confusion. What was it that she wanted me to see? She then just smiled and spread her wings and with a quick thrust of them, launched into the air and over the side of the cloud.
I couldn’t believe it. She just left me here by myself in the middle of nowhere. I actually felt hurt. I felt discarded.

Damn you, I'm started to get slight feels.

“NO!” I shout almost instantly when hearing about her possibly taking me to that dangerous height. What if she loses her grip or something and I fall to my death?

Rainbow and Fluttershy are gonna get along just fine

“I’m sorry. i-i-it’s just that i d-don’t l-like heights.”

They'll even be able to understand each other while talking!

“Oh Rainbow, we’ll fix you somehow.”

you were in the air just practicing like normal, when out of nowhere we heard a strange noise. you stopped mid practice and immediately bolted into the Everfree. We tried to follow, but by the time we caught up, we saw you out cold with a lot of injuries and a filly shaking your body trying to get your attention, to get you to wake up. She was crying, and said something about you fighting off some sort of monster or creature and that it ran off, but not without throwing you into a tree, knocking you out entirely.

HOW CAN YOU NOT GIVE US MORE THEN THAT! I WANT MOAR DETAILS AND I WANT IT NAOW

She motioned me forward, but I stopped at the stairs. What if I fell down them and got really hurt? Twilight looked back and saw me. She sighed in a annoyed manner and levitated a mattress with a pillow and blanket down and put them near the stairs

You make me dislike Twilight, I don't like not liking Twilight

I was a burden to somepony because of my condition. I continued to cry for no particular reason, other than for being afraid and lost. I eventually fell asleep to my own tears.

I love seeing ponies this OOC. Seeing them this vulnerable. It's so perfect!

End of commentary that was probably terrible.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now its review time, if you made it this far good. Now I can be a little more serious

FEELS METER
I'm gonna have to give this one a 5 out of 10. You feel bad for Rainbow for the majority of the time, but not enough to sprout tears.

MOOD
Well the mood of the story is very sad and lonely in the beginning. Rainbow wakes up confused but doesn't ask right away the amnesia questions like "Who and where am I?" "Is only 20% of my memory gone?" and so on. Fail sauce Rainbow. As the story progresses Rainbow makes you feel bad for her. Like really bad. I mean come on, our favorite flier with a FEAR OF HEIGHTS?
Enter Sweetie Belle.

But in all seriousness the story transitions pretty well, and is relatively easy to follow. Its all told from Rainbow's POV so you have no choice but to follow her around and basically be a Cyan colored Fluttershy

GRAMMAR
Now in no way am I the grammar master. I know when writing your own story its easy to make mistakes, and while reading others stories its easier to point them out. I noticed quite a few grammatical errors such as

when a the orange one

lol. There are a few errors such as this but nothing too extreme, I will grade it a 3 out of 5. I suggest getting with your Editor (if you have one and give them Number 25 for missing these little errors If you don't have an editor I'd be willing to help in my spare time!)

STYLE
I think with Memory loss you kinda have a free pass to basically do what you want. I do feel like Rainbow was a little too Flutter-ish but since Rainbow is basically like an OC now you can do whatever you wish with her! The other characters were written pretty well in the short amount of time we saw them. but i was a little disappointed with how like a mule Twilight is acting. She IS acting like Rainbow is a nuisance and to me... That a little too OOC. BUT WAIT. Even If I don't like how Twilight acted, since the story is as of now UNCOMPLETED I have no way of knowing how you would evolve her and the others due to Rainbow Dash's new issue. The story was overall pretty good and an interesting read. I REALLY wanna see how she faired with her fear of heights, and her deep down love of flying!

It's because of my curiosity that you got a favorite from me, This story hasn't been updated for a few months but I assume that if you uploaded it here for review then you haven't given up yet!

I will rate it with an I ENJOYED IT Here is how I'm doing my grading scale in case your curious. It wasn't all too sad... yet... But I really would like to see more! I hope you continue to work on a story that has great potential.
Readers who wanna see Rainbow Dash very OOC but done well. I recommend this story to you!
(I would like to remind everypony that this is my first commentary, and I'm still new to reviewing in general. if Joyous Apple or anypony else believes I did something wrong here let me know and I'll work to Improve. I wanna help writers with positive but still constructive feedback!)