Name of Story: The Place I Feel Safest, by Lucky Seven

Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 9

There are a few capitalization errors (or inconsistencies) within non-verbal portions of sentences within paragraphs. A small issue. It is an issue of consistency and style, so it doesn’t matter all that much. I myself am terrible with the use of commas so I likely missed any issues. But comma usage didn’t seem to interrupt the flow.

Fluidity isn’t typically a portion that matters in grammar—grammar is grammar—but sentences and paragraphs with dialogue flowed very nicely. It was a good stylistic choice. I restrict myself to one sentence between a single character’s dialogue within a paragraph (I overuse semi-colons) which I wish I didn’t do but for consistency I keep it up within my own active stories.

Pros (list three pros):

1. I typically don’t go for one-shot stories. I think they lack substance and creative input overall, having been reading stories on the site since 2011. But this one worked and told an actual story that didn’t feel like a clumsy or shoehorned excerpt. I don’t like stories that scavenge from or continue from an episode’s ending. I like stories that are their own thing, as far as our using the show’s universe goes. It covered the bases for what a short story needs to be.

2. It took place (in the “present-day”) within a day’s time, alternating between the present-day and ~15 years earlier, which worked better than I expected. The use of italics to dictate passages of past and present were helpful. Different colors work too but italics are simple and adequate for disconnecting time and/or space. The horizontal rule can be obstructive, especially when used as much as it is here, but was a good, simple way to help the separation of time and space. I tend to go on long diatribes when I skip back and forth between the present and the past; here a past memory or “current” situation could be as short as a few sentences and it told us all we needed to know.

3. I enjoyed the foals’ mannerisms. It’s a smaller thing but when it works it’s barely noticeable, meaning it blends in, which is a good thing. They seemed authentic and none were overused (I have trouble with this, considering ponies have hooves instead of 20 digits to emphasize). Everyone can relate to the nervous hand/hoof behind the head, though we see it more in fiction than in real life.

Cons (list three cons):

1. Tied to the first point from the above “Pros” section, too much time was skipped between Roseluck and Sundew’s time in the meadow and Sundew being ill. A “memory” of a time in between that—perhaps of Sundew weakening or showing the potential early signs of lung-disease (or where he contracted it)—may have been helpful. But that is a personal gripe and it was done well, and the bases were covered. It was your personal choice and it worked, especially how fleeting some of the memories were. The memories conjured were the important ones and for this kind of story they were the ones that mattered.

2. I’m sure Roseluck had more friends than Sundew but she seems to have been something of a loner when she was a filly. I might’ve enjoyed seeing her and Sundew interact with more ponies, but this was their story, not anypony (I use this in context) else’s. Tying in with memories, it’s of their time together. Another choice of yours that worked better than I normally see in other situations.

3. The story’s title is misleading to a degree. I understand it after reading, certainly, but “The Place I Feel Safest” leaves the first impression that the story is about abuse. There are too many stories about abuse and too many of them suck; I’ve been reading since 2011 and have seen hundreds of these. But it is a story of trauma, so the title works.

Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section):

Just about all my complaints about the story can be spun into a positive light and there wasn’t much wrong with it.

A simple yet thoughtful story you can finish in a short time, it dwells on impermanence but isn’t inundated with melodrama. Simplicity is easy to distort but when it works it’s more than effective.

I keep saying things “worked” and they did. People often look for jubilation or epicness and overlook simplicity. Sometimes satisfaction is enough; it keeps thing in perspective.

I enjoyed the story and ask for recommendations of other one-shots. You said you wanted The Place I Feel Safest to get a little more love: I did, and I hope it gets more.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: The Virgin Company (as many chapters as you’re willing)