Okay, going to be up front here, before I even read this — I’m expecting bad. Sad romantic HiE adventure with a new Element? I already feel the cringe.

But, there’s an author’s note on the long description that says this isn’t a “human as lost element” story, so this is less a problem of this fic and more an issue of the company it keeps, which will always be a problem when trying to subvert tropes (an issue I’m familiar with myself).

Also I wrote part of this review in a bar. Not really relevant to anything, but a thing that happened. I left once “late 90s alt-rock karaoke by rednecks” got going.

Just the other day, A while ago, Minds Eye reviewed a fic that prominently featured an OC who was rather quickly labelled a Sympathy Sue. But to be honest, that guy had nothing on… Travis Goldheart.

Travis. Fucking. Gold—

Okay, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t take that tone.

Here’s the funny thing: I was right.

About not taking that tone, I mean.

To explain, I wrote that last bit about six weeks ago, and then sat the fic down, only a few paragraphs in. I was forcing myself to read it, and it was painful. I hated it so much, and the protagonist most of all. Then I decided a couple days ago to get back onto it and try to join in this little resurgence we’ve been seeing, only to discover… after the first chapter, the story was alright, at least as far as I read — which was further than I originally planned to.

The reason I’m stepping back from criticizing the protagonist too strongly is that, when you get down to it, a lot of the problems I have with this are my problems with it, and more particularly, with the tropes in play. I dislike the emotionally vulnerable sad-sack protagonist. I acknowledge the artistic merits of the trope, but I find them the absolute antithesis of entertaining.

I have less than zero interest in watching someone mope about their suffering and despair in their helplessness. At that point, I’m wishing I could drop into the scene and beat some motivation into them.

What, did you think my avatar wears those glasses just because they’re fucking awesome?
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM

Anyway, TLDR: Shinji Ikari can die in a fucking fire.

But, despite my “this isn’t for me” bitching, there are some legitimate issues to address, here. Because do recall, I was about to drop this story and never look back barely a page into the first chapter. Disliking the themes isn’t enough to prompt that degree of reaction.

Let me just lay it out like this.

Travis is a protagonist with a strong character voice, and that makes a first-person POV a good choice for this. The ponies seem generally in-character and true to the show, with a couple exceptions that are in one case a matter of artistic license (however much I disagree with it) and in one case (at least to me) questionable and off-putting. There’s also good use of low-stakes drama that makes the Ponyville scenes, at least through chapter four where I stopped, a pretty solid slice-of-life story. And note, I didn’t drop it there for any story reason. That’s just where I got busy with something else and decided it was a good stopping point.

The. First. Chapter. There’s a lot done wrong there, and it was pretty much the entire source of my initial negative reaction. First, while an Emotionally Vulnerable Protagonist is a valid artistic choice, Travis is a pretty severe case, and the first chapter lays it on really thick. Between his angsting and the reactions of other ponies to him, all I could hear in my head as I read it was Pierre Bouvier belting out his misery. Also, this is the characterization point I disagree with but accept as artistic license — I feel the show doesn’t support this take on Equestria, but it’s not outside the bounds of reason. The part I wholly disagree with is Rainbow Dash being outright hateful. Sure, she’s rude and judgmental a lot of the time, but I think this takes it much farther than she’d ever go.

Also, while the first-person storytelling works, I’d suggest against present tense in this case. In this kind of story, it just reads awkwardly. On that point, the Twilight & Dash scene is very jarring, since it switches not only character POVs, but entirely out of First to adopt Third. I’d cut it entirely. It doesn’t help that adding them this way, and the Changeling plot, make the chapter feel too busy. I’d just stick with Travis and his problems at first.

And this is still subjective, but the name “Pure Goldheart” just smacks of the worst kind of golden-child Mary Sue character — like the kind of things that CassandraMyOCIsBestPony parodies.

Despite me having more bad to say than good, I did read further into the story than I’d originally planned to, so that’s got to count for something.

I’d say this is:
Enjoyable.

That said, the first chapter’s trudging pace and whining tone are almost enough to have kept me from reading it at all. I can’t speak for where the plot goes in later chapters, but I’d honestly just start this story with Travis arriving in Ponyville. Let his issues and backstory come out gradually and naturally instead of just having him complain to the reader.

Timmy Trumpet should help clear away the lingering aura of fail left by A Simple Plan.

Normally, after the introduction to what is going to be a colorful review, reviewers would say something like "let's have some clop to relax and take the edge off", but at this point everyone is posting suggestive images in their reviews for the lulz. You're standing out by being as wholesome as shit.

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I left once “late 90s alt-rock karaoke by rednecks” got going.

You missed the funniest part.

Normally here, I’d say something like “let’s have some clop to relax and take the edge off”, but at this point everyone is posting suggestive images in their reviews for the lulz. If I’m going to stand out, there’s clearly only one option:
Be as fucking wholesome as shit.

I did the porn thing once just to joke about how everyone else is including porn in their reviews, and my reviews were never wholesome to begin with, so I guess I'm a special case.

The. First. Chapter. There’s a lot done wrong there

One of the fics I'm reviewing is so bad that I was going to put it down after the first chapter, but after reading this review I'm going to at least try to reach a 10,000 word goal.

On that point, the Twilight & Dash scene is very jarring, since it switches not only character POVs, but entirely out of First to adopt Third. I’d cut it entirely.

I'm only including this because switching POVs is often looked down upon as terrible writing. So to the author, I recommend he/she checks out the book The Martian by Andy Weir, which bounces back and forth between POVs to give a certain perspective of events. All chapters written in the first person are catalogs written by the characters to document their journey, and all chapters taking place in the third person are all seemingly normal events that lead to something bigger. There's a whole lot of science mumble-jumble (I mean, the book is famous for how scientifically accurate it is), so it might be hard to follow along, but if you're familiar enough with science or don't mind having to read long difficult words, it's a charming read. I suggest the author take a look and try to apply some of the stuff from it into his/her own writing.

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Thank you very much for the review!

I'm really surprised that you ended up reading past the first chapter, considering you didn't like it at all. I'm very thankful that you did, as I feel that later chapters are much better (especially chapter 7 onward)

Without playing the "Damage control" game. The last name Goldheart was supposed to be a form of Irony since Travis is pretty self-centred and more focused on what others think of him rather than how to deal with how others are feeling.

The third person cut is bad, I'll admit to that. It's something that I'll most likely go back and change (It doesn't help that it's the only point in the story that actually had one)

As I said before, thank you very much for the review! If there's anything else you wanted to say, please let me know because I'd love to hear it!