Name of Story: Fluttershy's Iron Will

As a doctor, I am often asked about proper reader nutrition. My reply is always the same: read stories with more fiber. So many fic readers allow themselves to eat stories with little or no nutritive value, but who is ultimately responsible? The readers are hungry for good fic, and it is up to the writers to give them a satisfying read.

Some will binge on a particular ship, and not give much thought to the quality of the story. Most will eschew the quick fix, and wait for a complex and detailed story to present itself.

Which brings us to Fluttershy's Iron Will.

Pros:
1. Interesting ship! This is an idea that has a great amount of room for the author to explore, and so much can be made of the dynamic between the three main characters.

2. Sparkle Cola has a solid grasp of the mechanics, and I am comfortable with his style of storytelling.

3. There are moments of excellence and solid hilarity. This fic has legs, and can run.

Cons:
1. Problems with the character dynamic limit my enjoyment of the story.

2. We are given backstory through the characters, but we are still being told and not shown.

3. I don't want to get too deep into the social dynamics of this fanfic, but Fluttershy's motivations are curious to say the least.

Notes:

"Show, don't tell." That old saw.

But it is relevant in all storytelling. We have a backstory, and we need to impart the recent goings-on to the reader, so what do we do? We have the characters talk about recent goings-on.

Fluttershy furrowed her brows as she cocked her head to the side. “I told you, Discord. We aren’t dating!"

Discord folded one arm across his chest while drumming the fingers of his other hand across his cheekbone, murmuring almost inaudibly. "Oh yes... right..."

Undeterred, Fluttershy continued. "Besides. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, and you know very well that we aren't seeing each other right now. There are no commitments or agreements between us.”

“Yes, well only because—”

"Hmm?"

Discord waved a paw like he was shooing away an irritating fly. "Nothing, nothing..." He clenched his jaw and glared daggers at the dirt below.

This isn't too bad, but it's still telling. Fluttershy and Discord used to date, but now they do not and Fluttershy broke it off between them. It's a pretty good attempt to wrap that nugget into the normal ins and outs of conversational dialogue, but it still jumps out as unrealistic. Fluttershy is explaining things to *us*, the readers. Discord already knows this part, and Fluttershy knows that he knows it. It's an easy thing to resolve; imagine how the dialogue might sound if neither party wanted to talk about their relationship. Like, the mere thought of having broken up makes Discord sick to his stomach, and Fluttershy is trying her best to stay professional as a social courtesy.

There are elements of a good meal here. The humor is good and the structure of the writing is solid. What gives me pause is the cartoonish (and perhaps a little trite?) quality of the Love Triangle.

“I was just wondering if you might let me change those little harmless little hyacinths into Poison Joke.”

Fluttershy blinked and cocked her head to one side. “Now why would you want to do that? I mean, as long as they don’t touch my coat it would be fine, but what if somepony else were to brush across them accidentally? And how would I get them out?”

“Oh, no reason." Discord trailed off before lowering his voice into a mutter. “It's not somepony I’m worried about. It's just that if anybully got any ideas, he would be left with a little more warning than your little ‘ The Gentle No™! ’ slogan you preach on tour.”

I...words fail me. This is...not good writing. Not that it is unrealistic, nor because it is not in some way justified by their previous interactions, but because it is unlovely. It is within character for Discord to show a streak of jealousy, but this application is crude and Discord has generally been loftier even with his insults. The suggestion that Fluttershy should defend herself from unwanted rape and molestation efforts on the part of Iron Will is making a grotesquerie of the canonical dynamic found in the show.

Fluttershy furrowed her brows as she cocked her head to the side. “I told you, Discord. We aren’t dating!"

---

“Let me repeat that there is nothing going on between me and Iron Will. But since you seem so intent on suggesting that there is some impropriety, maybe I’ll just ask him out!”

Here, our motivations for getting ship-shape are also unlovely. Fluttershy starts dating Iron Will to teach Discord a lesson? That tastes cruel to me, and does not seem in character.

Discord shrugged his remaining arm. “Well, it’s just that I don’t see you that often, now that you are working full time. Besides, I’ve never tried to get past her while you were treating a patient. I wait until you are busy doing your charting!”

Fluttershy felt her eyebrows furrow again as what he said sank in, her glare becoming a more substantive force. “And how do you know exactly when I am doing my charting?

“Well I… umm.”

“Discord?”

The draconequus flinched.

“Have you been spying on me while I work?!”

Oh. Oh ICK. This is becoming a "What not to Do when Dating" manual for the fan reader. It may be an important message ("don't be a creeper"), but it does not make me like the story more.

Which is not to say that there are not great moments in the story. Discord's banter about the definition of "maimed" is a treasure to read. The banter and the slapstick surrounding the collapsing desk are on point. You have a great idea and the style in which you call the world into being is good.

But the key to this story is the Unlovely Triangle, and it gives me an upset stomach. This story Needs Work: the Fluttershy/Iron Will ship isn't ready. (Ironshy? Flutterwill??!) Please reconsider the core of the character dynamic to bring a little more sympathy from the reader. Add some moral fiber to their actions. Make Discord try to be good, even as he struggles with the very concept. Remember that Fluttershy is still kind, and give them both room to make mistakes and still return to each other as, if not friends, at least still trying to remain so. Build in some awkward silences in their conversations. Make them both speak at the same time, and then stumble through their apologies in a way that we find endearing. There is so much room to explore here.

Please consider our diet. We want a ship that is sweet and satisfying, but it needs to have that moral fiber to aid digestion. In the end, we want to like them for who they are.

Dr. Blankflank, I appreciate the work you put in for this - even when you pinch hit not only as a doctor but a nutritionist!

I must say, this story very much started out like a potato chip - it began as only a little funny idea on the side. All pleasant and simple, greasy and salty. A pleasure to crunch down on for a snack of convenience.

But relationships aren't as simple as all that, and I opened that can of worms (oof, sorry for that metaphor when we are using food metaphors). Relationships written well, and love triangles written well, have no comparison to a cheap potato chip. While I am pleased that the earlier parts of the story left you entertained, (I have to admit, humor is not my natural strong suit), I must say that the direction I took departed from light-hearted comedy and whetted reader's appetite for something more substantial.

And since these events are going to become important later in my flagship story, The Amulet of Shades, and the fact that Fluttershy's Iron Will has two more chapters to go to completion, I am happy that I chose this moment to let you have a go at it.

Turns out, I need to consult what would improve the sustenance of this story, and turn it into the feast it should be, if I respect my readers. I think I'll take that on. I appreciate your review, and will be interested to hear about events from you in the future. Thanks!

-Sparkle Cola