Ever since Camp Everfree, Flash has not been feeling well. His life feels empty without Twilight Sparkle. But one day, that all changed, with a piano and a certain rainbow haired athlete.

Let me address this right off the bat: I am not a fan of putting Youtube videos in the middle of a story.

I am not going to pause my reading to listen to two different versions of the same song, and the odds that someone can time their writing in two separate scenes so that the video ends in real life exactly when the song ends for the character on the page are friggin' nonexistent. Plus, something I've noticed in some of my blogs, videos can get blocked or go down. The first video in this story didn't even work, so I just rolled my eyes and ignored the rest of them.

And hey, the author went through the trouble of submitting their story to a review group. If you want tips for improvement, let's start there. Don't rely on outside sources to set the tone for your writing. Yes, it's challenging to convey the sound and emotion of music with plain black-and-white text. But when that's the story you want to write you need to accept that challenge.

Let's look at the scene with the first video (sans video):

Flash nodded and he started the tune from the top, bringing it to life. A second or two after he played the low note, Rainbow Dash started to sing.

The music captivated Flash and he felt every note being played as his fingers danced on and around the keys. The bit of joy he was feeling earlier was returning at a stronger force.

During pauses of the song Flash would look up from the keys and take quick glances at Rainbow Dash. Something about her seemed different. It was almost if she had this glow or aura that he never saw before. It’s different. A good different.

For the duration of the piece, Flash felt great. He could feel the stress and frustration of the day melt away from his body. And it’s all thanks to Rainbow Dash.

“You better let somebody love you, before it’s too, late,” Rainbow Dash sung.

The final notes of the song brought it to a conclusion. Flash looked over to Rainbow, staring into her eyes, feeling a drop in his chest. Rainbow had a grin on her face and Flash was just amazed. “Rainbow, that was...just…”

“Awesome,” she said, using her signature word to finish Flash’s sentence.

For context, this is taken from the first scene in the story. This is the inciting incident, when She Strikes a Chord with Him. And it needs to go deeper.

Flash felt every note being played. Okay. He felt... what? His fingers pressing the piano keys? Probably not, because that's boring. If you're going to tell us he's feeling something tell us something interesting. Is he remembering the first time he heard the song? Is he getting a deeper understanding of the lyrics given his experiences with Twilight and Sunset? Is he surprised to hear Rainbow Dash of all people give a soulful performance? Is that what that glow is? Him seeing her in a new light now that she isn't singing about fun with her friends or how awesome she is for once? Give me some kind of clue as to what's happening under the surface here.

Remember, I couldn't hear the music because the video didn't play ("Desperado" by The Eagles in case anyone was wondering). I needed the words to carry me through this scene. They didn't exactly deliver. "And it's all thanks to Rainbow Dash" comes off as overly dramatic given the bare-bones details. I don't buy it. I don't even know what she sounded like here.

The story opens with the above scene. Flash is having "one of those days" where nothing seems right. He shares an impromptu jam session with Rainbow, which he enjoys.

From there, he recalls the scene in Legend of Everfree where Sunset Shimmer gives him a bit of a pep talk about moving on from his crush on Twilight. Realizing there's other fish in the sea, drawing on what happened with Rainbow earlier, and with another push from Sunset, he asks Rainbow on a date. So that's the plot. The two of them share a terribly pleasant evening together at a diner and later Netflix and chill at Rainbow's place.

The story hits the idea of a first date pretty well. The two of them bond over simple things like music, food, TV. Some discussion of the magic that always seems to be popping up these days. Nothing too personal, just them feeling each other out a bit.

They even share a couple of dances, the first of which is part of an impromptu dance number with everyone inside the diner. Because a song came over the jukebox, which is posted in the story as a video. Which I did not listen to. Ditto with their second dance the next morning.

I think the story works better as a fluffy thing. The two of them falling asleep on the couch together was cute. The flirting after Rainbow spilled water on him was cute. When the story tries to reach beyond that--Flash's distress melting away only because of Rainbow, the electricity between them during the first dance, the euphoria of their first kiss after the second dance--it falls flat.

Throughout the song, the two would make eye contact for short periods of time, both feeling the joy and electricity of the moment. Just the two of them, enjoying each other. There were, at times, the feeling that there was no one else was in the restaurant dancing. It was just them. To the teens, that was an amazing feeling.

If your goal is to trigger your readers' emotions like that, you need to invest some more of your own emotion on the page. Something like Both felt the joy and electricity of the moment isn't going to cut it. Don't tell us about the electricity, show us the electricity. Show Flash's hair stand on end from the touch of her skin. Let him catch the scent of her shampoo or perfume when he spins her around.

...and I'm back to where I was before I dropped the video to pause the review for a bit. Huh.

Yeah, I have the feeling I'm just going to go in circles with this one if I go much longer. There are some other issues in the writing where the tense shifts from past to present, but the tone was my biggest problem. You can tell us things are happening all day long, but without showing details--something that really strikes the characters, something that really underscores a moment that means something to the story--you're holding yourself back. Showing makes every story better, from fantasy epics to short, intimate romances to stories where a girl gives head to someone's balls.

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I found this very helpful. Thanks!