The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! 1,287 members · 149 stories
Comments ( 3 )
  • Viewing 1 - 50 of 3

The tale of a free changeling's journey through the Everfree Forest

An entry for the Everfree Northwest 2017 writing contest, this story was bound to the prompt "Growing up wild and forever free," and it managed to cover a lot of ground within its six thousand word limit.

Our protagonist is a nameless changeling, and we get introduced to him on the day his life gets turned upside down. I really enjoyed the story's framework from the in medias res start to the snippets of the changeling's life. Events flowed nicely between the plot and the flashbacks, the glimpses of changeling society were interesting, and it was touching how the protagonist kept the lessons he learned to heart while he carved a place for himself in a Canterlot bakery.


Sadly not like this.

The natural drawback of including several scenes spread out over what I imagine to be years of his life is that some details could be missed, especially under the crunch of a word limit. That issue raised its head here. The lesson on smiling was nice for the protagonist to remember, but the lesson of sacrifice the elder changeling gave him played a bigger role. It helped explain his actions in Chapter 1, and I completely forgot about it until I skimmed the story again for this review.

There's another detail that just seems to be left hanging. Chapter 2 reveals that the changeling was in line to be an elite soldier for Chrysalis until he left the Hive. This revelation is stated quite simply, like "Oh yeah, this OC is also really good at fighting," and is then never mentioned again. Not in the flashback of him actually leaving the Hive, not even at the ending. This might be me thinking as an editor rather than a reviewer, but I can't help but wonder if the protagonist leaving had a deeper effect on Chrysalis than the story let on. Something that made him stand out to her. Maybe something that got cut to slip under the word count.

Speaking of Chrysalis brings me to the ending. I was confused by it at first, but I think I get it after rereading. I believe there's a mistake in the final segment of the story, where Chrysalis sees five ponies around the protagonist. Chapter 1 only mentioned four ponies in the Everfree with the protagonist. If that last bit is set in the Everfree Forest, which is the impression I got. The last time the protagonist had five ponies around him was in Canterlot, so... kind of an important distinction there.

Especially considering the telepathic mind game Chrysalis played with him. I figured out Chapter 3 was part of her game when she showed up, but if the final segment was indeed set in Canterlot, Chapter 1 must have been part of her mental projection as well. Which... I suppose it could have been. The protagonist protected ponies in both Canterlot and the Everfree, so he might have died from rubble collapsing on him or from the timberwolves. It was just a little frustrating having my last impression of the story centered on wondering how much of the story actually happened, you know?

Either way, I liked the last word the protagonist had for Chrysalis. He lived on his terms and left the Hive behind. There wasn't really a whole lot else going on. It's a character piece, and it takes a macro style of storytelling that leaves a lot to be inferred by the reader. There isn't much padding to be found.


Not always a bad thing, no padding.
Is there a quota of suggestive images I should be aiming for in this team?

I found no issues to complain about in the writing other than wondering if the author meant four or five at the ending. The story does feel truncated to meet the word cap of the contest, but I can't point to any real glaring flaws. Likewise, I can't really point to any shining strengths. It raised an interesting character, but I kinda feel like I read the cliff notes version, and there's more to explore.

Enjoyable

Rinnaul
Group Admin

Is there a quota of suggestive images I should be aiming for in this team?

No, but I always appreciate new things in my derpibooru favorites.

Not as good as the one you PM'd me, but that probably would have been too nsfw.

As for the review, yeah. Both doing my own reviews, and reading reviews from others, the general consensus seems to be that while contest entries may be good in their own right, and sometimes even better for the word limit, as it can force the author to focus down on the really important parts), they often have a sense of being incomplete when too many details get cut to make it fit the requirements.

5868583
Thank you so much for the review. I'm happy that you found my story enjoyable. And to answer your question right away, there ending should indeed be with 4 ponies, not 5. I've gone ahead and corrected this typo. Much appreciated for bringing it up.

Now then, with that out of the way, I should also reveal another thing that was brought up in this review. Yes, I did have to do quite a lot of cutting for this story, as I originally wrote it as a 15,000-word piece. I then began the process of removing fluff and such, until I had an 8,000 tale, which is where I would have originally ended the narration. However, I found out about 3 days before the deadline that the word limit was actually 6,000 and not 8,000, so that meant I had to do even further cuts before the piece was at an acceptable length. This resulted in a lot being omitted, and a lot being shortened.

So, yes, there was quite a lot that had to be cut out. Had the story remained at 8k, it would have had a longer scene where the MC and the mentor changeling converse (including more details on self-sacrifice), a longer fight scene in Canterlot where the MC recalled more on his training—which he had neglected due to becoming a baker, a longer scene involving Chrysalis and the exile she hands down the MC, and an alternate ending involving a makeshift funeral by those the main character he saved. All of that is not even getting into the 3 other flashbacks scenes that also had to be cut out as well to fit into 6k words.

There is indeed a lot more story to tell. Perhaps I'll expand once the contest is over. Or, perhaps I'll just leave it as is. It all really depends on reader feedback.

Once again, thank you so much for the review. Here is hoping you folk can review more of my work in the near future :raritywink:

  • Viewing 1 - 50 of 3