Three AM at the Waffle House
By Star Destroyer

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Oh my god, I claimed this, what, two months ago?

Shit, I am terrible at this.

I mean, what have I even been doing all this time?

Well, there was that thing where I got flooded, but that was only a week or so ago, so not much of an excuse for the weeks before that. There’s working in grocery during the holidays, that was a big part of it. Writing my own fics, none of which have been posted yet. I think mostly I’ve just been getting good at sniper on TF2.

Well, kinda good.

And lately it’s been more engi than sniper.

Anyway, here’s this story.

Quick Recommendation: Want to read a trollfic full of dirty and slightly disgusting humor that thoroughly mocks a number of Human-In-Equestria cliches? Then this is a pretty solid pick. If that sounds like it would piss you off, then, well, good chance it’s going to do just that.

When something tries to fail, and succeeds, did it succeed or fail?

If you don’t follow, this is trollfic. It’s pretty good trollfic. But it’s still trollfic. I mean, how do you judge something that intentionally shoots low, and perfectly hits the mark? Well, almost perfectly. There is one big logic flaw in the plot that bothers me, but, again, it’s trollfic.

Anyway, I won’t go into too much detail because this thing is pretty tightly-packed…

I was sure I could lead into an anal fisting joke with that one, but nah, I’ve got nothing.

Could anal fisting possibly be relevant to this review or the fic? Read and find out!

Hint: It totally is.

…as I was saying, pretty tightly-packed, and going into any great detail would entail me just telling you the story here.

Anyway, it’s a second-person fic, and “your” name is Hubert.

Fucking Hubert.

Hubert is a pretty miserable sort of sad sack in general, and is pretty clearly what the author envisions an actual show-aware HiE protagonist to be like.

You know, a fat, lazy nerd who’s perfectly aware of his bad habits and what they do to him, but instead of improving himself by getting a better job, learning a new skill, losing weight, cleaning himself up in general, or in any way contributing to society, he sits around playing Team Fortress all night until he’s too tired to do anything during the day, then is frustrated with his lack of effort during the day and so stays up late playing video games in a negative cycle that

…I mean, he sits around at Waffle House all night, and, uh… Sorry, that got a bit personal there. Let me just, uh… Hey, look! A distraction!

Okay, now that anything I may have inadvertently admitted previously has been cleared from your mind by sexy-yet-adorable ditzyness, we can continue.

So, Hubert meets a strange man at the Waffle House, where he is pondering his terrible life choices. The strange man wants to give him a Twilight Sparkle figurine that will transport him to Equestria, but Hubert is more concerned about how good the figurine looks, noting that usually the features that make ponies endearing in 2D are off-putting in 3D. Personally, I don’t know what he’s talking about. This thing looks pretty nice.

And avoiding just retelling the whole story, let’s just say that the ponies present him with a thoroughly inane friendship problem (which always happens), somehow get aroused by the resolution (which also always happens), and start fucking like bunnies (which also always happens); leaving Hubert sitting back and trying to decide to give in and try to shamefully join (not that they generally let him, apparently), or just try to ignore the weird boner he got from it.

Oh, and this isn’t nice, clean shipfic romantic sex, or even harder BDSM sex. This is weird, gross armpit-licking, anal-fisting sex. While the ponies smell like dirty animals.

And you got a boner from it, Hubert.

Fucking weirdo.

Told you the anal fisting was relevant.

Anyway, to get that image out of your mind, I give you more Sonata Dusk.

Anyway, so then Celestia shows up and reveals that she and Luna set up the whole tricking humans into visiting Equestria deal because alicorns actually have very short lifespans, and they’re stealing years from humans. And then altering the memories of everyone involved because it’s funny. Here’s that logic flaw, though. We know humans only live about 60 years, rather than the 10,000 Celestia claims we’d normally have. There have been a grand total of about one hundred billion homo sapiens throughout history, and since none of them have lived much beyond 100 years, we can assume the alicorns have been stealing our lifespans that entire time. That means Celestia and Luna should have each taken about 531,148,000,000,000 years, meaning both of them could easily live longer than the universe has existed, and will outlive our sun, our galaxy, and possibly our entire universe, according to some theories. So, you know, why bother anymore, beyond shits and giggles?

Anyway, then Hubert goes back to Earth, with nothing to show for his adventures beyond smelling like a barnyard bestiality session, and still being named fucking Hubert.

Don’t be named Hubert, maybe? I think that would be a good start in your life.

I dunno. I don’t have anything for this, really, beyond reconsidering the actual consequences of your plot and the scale of things. But this is a trollfic, so does that even matter?

This is probably deserving of a Recommended for people who like trollfics, or who want to see a thorough skewering of clopfics or HiE. But, for anyone else, it would be at best an:

Enjoyable.

4959647 Oh, look! It's a review of my garbage. And by garbage, I mean Hubert.

My thinking on the thing that you had issues with was Celestia and Luna probably aren't the first alicorns. Cadence came out of nowhere, and Twilight just ascended. The show has shown us four alicorns, but there have probably been quite a few over the eons. Enough in this story to milk the human race of their vast lifespan. You're correct that it should have been made more explicit, but then again, how much effort does any one author want to spend on a story that's about Hubert?
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