The Visitor
By T A Ship

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Today’s review brought to you by gin and tonic.

I was looking around the fridge and saw the bottle of tonic water a friend had left with us some months ago, and started wondering what it tasted like. And the answer is, basically, “a very sour Sprite”. Which I didn’t mind, exactly, so then I was wondering what a gin and tonic actually tasted like, since I mostly drink whiskey, jager, and the occasional vodka, and thus had never tried one.

First I tried the gin straight, and realized immediately that I had chosen poorly. While I make it a habit of trying a half-shot or even just a sip of my liquor straight before I mix it with something, in the future I’ll actually read the labels before trying something about 20 proof stronger than my usuals.

After that, though, it was actually rather good. I think I still prefer Coke for my mixer, but if I’m up for something sour, this isn’t a bad option.

In case anyone is wondering what my first alcohol of choice was (excluding my uncle letting me taste his beer without telling me what it was when I was a little kid because being an uncle turns you into an asshole (I’d apologize to Asilin’s brothers but they deserve it (also ignore the part where I have two nephews myself — we already knew I’m an asshole))), that would have been the cheapest thing the liquor store had available, because I was in college and that’s what you did.

But then I starting seeing Asilin, and her family is Irish so I was only allowed to buy Jameson after that, because something something acting civilized or whatever.

Anyway, there’s this HiE fic.

Quick Recommendation: Poorly constructed with an unlikable main character, the story is a profound disappointment despite skirting the edges of being very clever and interesting.

So, at first glimpse, I thought this would be HiE with a Humanist ubermensch scientist type. You know, like Tom Swift, or about half of Jules Verne’s characters. And holy shit that would be awesome. Victorian/atomic-era superscience human in Equestria? I don’t care if it’s steampunk or Flash Gordon rayguns, that would be amazing.

And that might even be what I get here, but I first open it and encounter… well… just let me do some editing here, okay?

A lone man limped his way through the woods he found himself to be in now. He looked like he had survived a disaster, with his black pants dirty, and even having a hole in the right knee revealing a metal brace on his leg. The grey argyle pullover sweater he had on was just as dirty, with a white shirt with a torn collar on under it. His hair wasn’t any better, being disarrayed, and showing signs of being slicked back at one point. The dark brown hair dye in his hair that was beginning to wear out revealing his normal light brown hair color. He continued to limp until he reached a clearing in the woods to which revealed his most unusual craft, a reversed -engineered flying saucer.

Okay. That’s better. Missing commas abound, and the whole thing suffers from unnecessary wordiness. Not to mention it’s mostly a needlessly-detailed description of a character we haven’t met yet, and thus a bit dull for an opening.

On the other hand, I am at least somewhat curious. Where is he? Why’s he in the woods? What happened to him? Was there an accident? You know, the kind of questions that make for a decent hook, just laid out a bit awkwardly. The concept of a reverse-engineered flying saucer, while a bit goofy, is also very much in tune with Tom Swift or Flash Gordon, and that’s going to get my interest, too.

The craft was fitting as the man also known as Henry A. Safon the Second was quite an unusual person. He was an immortal man who along with at least two others, his brother and best friend has gained his immortality though means even he’s not too sure of. All he really knows is that he has looked to be in his early 30’s since he was in his early 30’s despite being well over 1500. Because of this immortality, he has been able to gain quite a vast array of skills from thievery, to a couple instruments, military skill, mechanics and physics. That skill in mechanics in particular has allowed him and his brother to craft such a device after ‘losing’ the original.

Okay, I’m not trying to quote the whole story and address it point-by-point, but this one just needs to be examined in more detail. See, this is a great example of how the same concept can sound either brilliant or ludicrous, entirely based upon presentation. This story suffers here for the lack of a strong narrative voice, something that’s vital in making the classic sci-fi adventure genre work. Instead, it feels like a weak attempt at justifying a Gary Stu OC.

How much difference can a simple change in tone and voice make? Well, as I’m quite fond of both Jules Verne and Victor Appleton (yes I know it’s a pseudonym for a team of ghostwriters), let me try to rewrite the above passage to present the same details, but in the style of the genre you seem to be aiming for.

The man was none other than Henry A. Safon II, and he, like his craft, was quite the unusual character. Through means which even to this day they did not understand, he — along with his brother and their close friend — had achieved immortality, and together the three of them had lived, thus far, one thousand five hundred and eighty-two years since realizing their condition, whilst never looking a day beyond thirty. Over his long life, Henry had acquired numerous skills, ranging from the roguish, such as lock-picking and burglary, to the noble, such as military sciences, machinery, physics, chemistry, a dozen languages, and even several musical instruments — his favorite of which was the violin. It was his skill with machinery which allowed his brother and him to construct the craft before him, after the original was “lost”.

What you really need for this writing style are a strong narrative voice, archaic language, and an obsession with precision. The sci-fi adventure hero would never say that he worked about three miles away. He would explain “I have observed my pace as I walk to work each day, and noted that the journey from home to office takes six thousand and twenty-seven steps on average, which, by my calculations, reveals that once each morning, and once each evening, I travel precisely two and three-quarters miles.” This math works out if the character is 5’10”, by the way.

Okay, quick digression. I keep mentioning or thinking of Flash Gordon, and now this is stuck in my head, so I’m going to drop it on you guys, too.

LIPS! LIPS! LIPS! LIPS!
What? I’ve gone to a couple shows.

Moving on…

one would see in an old 50’s b-movie

Don’t take the reader out of the story like this. It never helps.

It appeared to have been built by human hands rather than extraterrestrials.

How could you tell? Also, the next sentence is a fragment.

the whole thing painted like a black 1970’s muscle car with a large flaming bird symbol on the top.

That… that just sounds silly, to be honest. I mean, it might be a little better if you just said outright “detailed to look like the flying saucer version of a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am”, but that still brings the reader out of the story, and also dashes my hopes that this might actually be inspired by classic sci-fi adventure stories.

through a war zone on free ammo day.

This takes a very flippant tone. Are you sure it meshes well with the rest of the story?

all of different eras throughout the late 20th century and early 2000’s

So, this really isn’t classic sci-fi adventure, it’s just some modern guy? Welp…

Okay, now that I understand the context, the things we learned earlier kinda have the base kicked out from under them. A 1500-year-old immortal genius is a lot more acceptable when it’s some old-fashioned science adventurer. Finding out that this is basically a 1500-year-old immortal genius version of Coop from Megas XLR really takes the wind out of the sails, and brings those fears of Gary Stu crashing back in.

Okay, going to try and ignore the sneaking suspicion that Coop was actually the inspiration for Safon and move on.

pulled out his 2005 Motorola Razr

This constant name-dropping of real brands and specific devices is just getting bizarre. You realize there’s no such thing as a product endorsement deal for fanfiction, right?

Okay. Dialogue. I’m not going to quote it, just… all of the dialogue.

Time for a quick refresher course on how to tag dialogue! Which I have no interest in giving you right now. Sorry.

In short, don’t capitalize after a comma unless the next word is a proper noun, and learn when mis-tagged dialogue produces sentence fragments and comma splices.

And… look, I’m still not over this not being based on sci-fi adventure. I was really looking forward to that, and now that I’m not getting it here…

I think I’m going to go play Bioshock for a bit. Would that be okay? I just… I really need some atomic-era sci-fi to make up for this.

…Okay, I only played about half an hour because it’s been forever and relearning all the controls was kind of annoying. Back to work.

So… if this is just a small one-man craft, how does he just hear an explosion from the “lower level”? Wouldn’t it be felt through a craft that small? Also, the idea of flying the thing using programs on a laptop for stuff that you might want to activate instantly (like an emergency shutoff) seems like very poor planning on his part.

Ponies cursing so casually feels so out of tone with the show…

He said as he zoomed in on the binoculars.

Most binoculars don’t have a zoom. They’d just have a focus. Also, that dialogue tagging again.

We’re bouncing between past and present tense here a bit. But more importantly, you should never use multiple exclamation points. That just looks awful.

Safon wasn’t surprised at this having been to universes populated by equines pretty close to these ones.

So, if he’s already been to Houyhnhnms Land or whatever, isn’t puzzled by the appearance of the Equestrian ponies, and can understand them… Just how many potential conflicts are we going to be tossing aside?

Anyway, that’s the prologue. I might have to resist the temptation to continue commenting with this level of detail if I’m to have any hope of actually hitting 10k in this.

I briefly considered just keeping a running tally of the various errors, but even that would have been a large undertaking. Guess I’ll just keep on noting things I come across — within reason. Problems are pretty endemic here.

The grammar problems I’ve been pointing out are still prevalent, as well as generally clunky writing.

The princesses have met a human named Henry Safon before? I can only assume they met Henry Senior at some point, and I suppose Junior’s long lifespan means the princesses could have met Senior back before Luna’s fall. That means his lifespan is relevant, at least, though only barely, and there would be better ways to go it.

And should Twilight really be this discourteous to Celestia? The rest of them are being pretty casual, too.

Why should Equestrian numbers resemble ours enough for Twilight to identify human writing even that much, since we establish that she can’t read the writing? Also, Safon could understand the guards. So the spoken language is the same, but the written it entirely alien? That wouldn’t make any sense.

By the end of the second chapter, I can say the most consistent problem is easily the grammar in dialogue tagging.

“WHY SHOULD WE BELIEVE YOU?!? YOU SEEM PRETTY CALM FOR BEING IN A STRANGE UNKNOWN WORLD!!!”

Okay, seriously. Half of Dash or Pinkie’s dialogue is written with caps lock and multiple exclamation points. Beyond questionable characterization, this also just looks bad. It emphasizes the line too much and separates it from the text around it.

I understand but as I said I’m so old and this is not the first world I have visited and for the record I’m male.

One, that run-on sentence. Two, what prompted him to clarify his sex?

“ITS POWERED BY A NUCLEAR REACTOR WITH A FAIL SAFE EXPLOSION OF FIVE MILES PLUS I HAVE ENOUGH EXPLOSIVES IN THERE TO BLOW UP A MOON!!!!”

…what.

More Pinkie shouting and terrible suggestions from everyone else and why don’t you just teleport him Twilight, you can do that.

And sometimes you just find the perfect clip…

Also, small nitpick that just occurred to me: The name “Henry” is a 12th-century variant of the German “Heinrich” (and was typically read as “Harry” through the Middle Ages), which itself dates back to at least the 9th century. If Henry Safon was from what’s now Great Britain, he most likely would have been Anglo-Saxon, as he was born in 445 CE. I’m curious as to the origin of his name, as his first language would have been Old English.

Oh, and no, “Old English” doesn’t mean “Shakespeare”. That’s an example of Early Modern English. Old English is Beowulf.

This would mean that, if the Sisters met Henry Safon Senior, he wouldn’t have been using that name, nor speaking the same language as his immortal son. They would also predate the use of surnames entirely, which were introduced to England, along with Middle english, in the early 11th century.

It’s possible I put too much effort into my research just to point out plot holes in My Little Pony fanfiction.

It’s Professor I may not know how I got my degree but I am going to milk it for all it’s worth

I just… what? Again, I mean. Seriously, does he have amnesia or something?

So, he reverse-engineered a flying saucer and made his own using a nuclear reactor — how did he get ahold of one of those, anyway? — but he can’t do any repair work on his own craft without a bunch of advanced technology on hand? You know, when a guy who calls himself “Professor” crash-lands in a primitive environment and needs to make something advanced, I expect him to grab some coconuts and get on that shit.

Suddenly a bright flash came and when it dissipated Princess Celestia was standing there looking around nervously.

Thank you, Celestia, for highlighting the simple solution to our earlier problem. Having her be unsure of herself here is particularly out of character, though.

And the fact that they’re using the crate ruse to go back is all the more ridiculous now that Celestia has teleported down there.

There are some typos in this section on top of the usual grammar errors, but I kinda skimmed past them in the face of all the other issues.

“Truth is I have now idea how I got my degree I was doing a medical test with my brother and I blacked out for a year only to find myself working in a university in california.”

So… he actually does have unexplained amnesia. Okay. Not actually a good character trait 99% of the time, but sure. At least we know now.

“WHAT ARE YOU?!?” Blueblood continued to scream at Safon terrified.

So… going with “Blueblood is a one-dimensional useless dunce”, then?

Ah, nevermind, we’re also doing “Blueblood is an irredeemable spiteful villain for no reason” at the same time. But more importantly, that revelation happens in a very special place.

“Just shut up!!” He demanded and started pacing the room.

There it is, the 10,000th word.

So, you may be wondering: Rinnaul, once you realized the story had nothing to do with your beloved classic sci-fi adventures, why did you leave those early parts based on that assumption in? What made you think that in the first place?

Well, do recall that I was drinking when I started this one.

But more to the point, some characters can really only work within certain contexts, and with Safon, we get a character type that would work in that genre, but not in a more typical modern story. Those classic adventurers are supposed to be over the top. They’re all about the will of humanity and the promise of scientific progress. Heroes can be invincible geniuses because it’s not about them being challenged, it’s about them triumphing, and in doing so, being symbolic of man’s capability to overcome adversity through knowledge and determination.

When Tom Swift builds a gravity engine and travels to Mars, the point isn’t that he’s so great that he can pull it off. The point is just that Tom did it first, and it’s only a matter of time before man does conquer space.

So, when I see an immortal adventurer genius who reverse-engineers a flying saucer, I assume that I’m basically going to be seeing Tom Swift. In part it’s because the whole image of a classic flying saucer is just so 1950s zeerust that I can’t help but imagine the whole story is based on that sort of thing, but a larger part is the fact that the character is just so over-the-top that those old adventures are the only kind of story he belongs in.

So, that’s where it came from. Why didn’t I cut that from the review once I realized my mistake?

Well, one, I thought I was being pretty funny with it. But more importantly, it shows the disconnect between your character and your story. That misaimed expectation soured me on the whole experience, and I imagine that will be true for other readers, as well.

In the absence of the right context, Henry is just some random guy from Earth with a bad attitude and special powers. You might recognize that combination as being what’s generally regarded as the worst kind of Human In Equestria OC.

In addition to the unengaging and unlikable main character, the story is rife with grammar errors, and its share of spelling mistakes as well. On top of that, all of the other characters are one-dimensional to the point of being out of character, and the more you think about it, the more plot holes come to mind.

Above all else, find a good proofreader and editor to clean up the mechanics of the story.

Dial back the extreme character reactions and look for ways they might be deviating too severely from canon. The first point includes the constant swearing and Henry’s asshole behavior. SQUID (Snarky Quippy Undeveloped Irritating Douchebags) characters are never as funny to the audience as they are to the author — they’re just unlikable.

Consider if Henry’s over-the-top backstory is necessary. Thus far, the only interesting part of him from all of that immortal genius nonsense is that he’s a father, something I rarely see in HiE fics. However, it takes a backseat to all of his Gary Stu traits. If you’re going to keep it, reconsider the details, as it doesn’t make too much sense right now.

Cut the constant real-product name-dropping. It’s distracting.

Have someone look over your story and ask as many questions as they can. Make sure you can answer them.

The grammar problems alone would earn this a low score, but combined with the characterization and plot holes, this definitely…

Needs work.

That's a mighty big review.

4778237

He's been at it a few days now.

4778217

You know, when a guy who calls himself “Professor” crash-lands in a primitive environment and needs to make something advanced, I expect him to grab some coconuts and get on that shit.

Perhaps, but just how long did it take the guy to create a working method of sea travel?

Hello there. I want to thank you for reviewing my story and to apologize that it was as bad as you've found it. I'm a new writer and have a lot to learn. So again thank you for bearing with me on it and I'll be sure to improve for my future stories.

So, the author messaged me about this story, and since I thought my response added something to the review, I decided to share it here, too.

It does at least need some major work on the grammar, and I can think of a few different ways I'd change things as far as the story goes. But first...

I'm wanting to keep a mystery to Henry.

I assume by this you mean you want some aspects of Henry's character to be a mystery to the reader, and things he needs to find out himself. What comes to mind, then, is the reason for his immortality, and the amnesia about his position as a professor. In the former case, you're in the difficult position of it being a very long-standing problem. The question of his immortality, for himself, is something he should have figured out or shelved about 1000 years ago. For the readers, it doesn't seem relevant to the story, so they're going to chalk it up to "stupid Gary Stu powers" and ignore it.

For the question of his amnesia, the biggest problem you're going to have is a very negative first impression with your readers. Amnesia at this point is considered a terrible cliche, something best left to the most hackneyed of soap opera melodrama. It is possible to make it work right (see: Zaphod Beeblebrox in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Harry Dresden in the Dresden Files novel Ghost Story), but the key then is to avoid calling attention to it.

Now, that said, I have an idea of where you might have been going with the amnesia angle. Henry mentions at different points that (1) he used to work for the Department of Defense, (2) he no longer trusts the government, and (3) he’s missing a few years of his life. Between those, I’m assuming that Henry did some secret work for the government and they pulled a Men In Black on him and blanked his memory. If I’m right, that’s actually a very good job at setting it up and leaving clues for the reader to pick up on.

However, beyond the amnesia cliche in general, you still run into a few problems. First, the plot holes: if Henry’s so smart, why hasn’t he figured this out before the reader? And if the government was behind this, why let him work in public and allow clues to be left behind that he could follow up on later? Second, the question of relevance: how is Henry going to find out anything about his lost memories while stuck in Equestria, and why should the reader care?

Now, I said I had some ideas about different approaches. You might or might not want to adopt any of these, as they would be major changes to the basics of the story.

First, you might rewrite it with my initial assumptions in mind: the science fiction gentleman adventurer. It would be a change in tone, and it would need a much stronger narrative voice, but it would be something properly unique for this fandom.

Although, regardless of whether you do that or not, you should probably strengthen your character voice.

Second, you might cut Henry’s special abilities entirely. They don’t seem relevant to the story thus far, and they mostly serve to make him look like a Gary Stu. After all, he has all these special traits with no explanations given whatsoever to justify them, because, thanks to his amnesia, he doesn’t know the explanations himself.

And again, regardless of whether you do that or not, you should probably tone down the focus on his special abilities. Subtlety can be powerful.

And finally, the biggest change of all — What if it wasn’t Henry Safon II who was an immortal genius who reverse-engineered a flying saucer, explored alternate dimensions, fought his archnemesis, and then vanished? What if it was his father, Henry Safon I? Then the mystery of the story could be centered around Henry Junior trying to figure out what happened to his father while dealing with all the fallout of his long life. I can’t help but imagine Henry Junior landing in Equestria, only for the princesses to address him like an old friend, because they think they’re talking to Henry Senior. Then you have, on top of the general mysteries of Henry Senior’s life, Henry Junior dealing with the fact that his father’s escapades in this world have the ponies expecting him to be the second coming of a legendary hero.

But, again, these aren’t things I’d expect you to do, just ideas I had while reading.