Well, this is going to be sick. I haven't been in the game for a while and I'm back son, let's fcking go.

Aight, so I'm going to give you this real smoove.

...

This is a very well thought out story by Twinkletail, who I have to applaud for nailing Cherry Jubilee's character down. That's an achievement within itself because I can't even do that character without tilting my keyboard in a 250 degree angle. Not to mention that you have well placed fruit pun lines that are great. It made me have a giggle, a very joyous, wonderful giggle. I can't even word right now.

So let's just tally your score before I tally my times of using the fcking Fluttershy emoticon.

Concept: 10/10
An original concept overall with a nice little Oliver Twist at the end.

Puns: This isn't a fcking category but w/e 10/10
Oh my... Cherry Popper? Dude, I was laughing like an immature school boy when they yelled 'penis' as loud as possible in the cafeteria. You caught me off guard. There are so many more of these puns and they're so well placed. This is how you pun people, take notes.

Comedy Separate to puns because this is true comedy, not punning it out: 9.5/10
The mind control bit was a bit of a head tilter. Other than that, legend. Thanks for this Twinkletail.

Character: Canon: 5/5
: OC: 5/5

Two separate categories for this bad boy. The OCs were great and fit the roles they needed to play, Cherry Jubilee, like I said before, was absolutely spot on, and the supporting minor characters were just as good. Great job.

Grammar: 9.5/10

A few bumps on the road here but nothing too much that detracts from the read.

I'll point out the few I found here to give it a more polished look:

"Everything alright, Miss Jubilee?" Edge asked as he watched the cherry matron head towards the door,

Should be a period.

Cherry idly wondered what the problem could be as she traveled the dusty path down the road.

This one is a questionable grammar error considering I don't know if you meant it as "she traveled the dusty path beside the road", "she traveled down the dusty road/path" (whatever word fits here), and so on so forth. There's too many possibilities here but that word choice just confused me. More of a suggestion than a for sure grammar error here.

The two ponies shared a triumphant kiss as the crowd applauded their victorious leader.

This word choice...

I'd put it like this: "The two ponies shared a victory kiss as the crowd applauded for their reigning champions."

Sounds more epic. Plus the addition of the word 'for' is good if you want to give it a bit more emphasis.

=]

"You're the best, Cor," Cherry said."

Get that other little stinker out of here. ^^^^

Cormano replied, booping his wife's nose.

Isn't that supposed to be bopping?

Aight, enough of that grammar/suggestion stuff. You had great grammar here. If you want the suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em. Your call, but there definitely needs to be something done to them. My little old head hurt while I read that in livestream.

Anywho, moving on.

Organization: 10/10

-Strong composition and maintained a balanced flow for the story.
-Had smooth transitions between scenes.
-Utilized literary devices correctly.
-Kept scenes in order.

And...

My own scale's rating gives this guy a ~ DOPE AF ~ rating! (59/60)
PCaRG's scoring is a bit different.

Qualifications for Masterpiece rank: 90% Perfect grammar, Everything in the story flowed perfectly and the characters whether OC or mane were expertly crafted together into the storyline.

A compelling storyline that from the beginning kept you interested. Excels in the category it was put in (If its sad, it made you feel sad, if its comedy it made you truly laugh, etc), However, it is up to the commentator to place this.

Top Dog of the Day hitting the masterpiece icon like a G! Good job Twinkletail. Good job...

I'm done with the emoticon. Get me a new one.

Even this would be usable.

-Soaring

Oh damn. I'm so glad you enjoyed my story enough to write this awesome review! Honestly I'd been a little disheartened over the lack of reception that this story had gotten, and it feels really great to see that someone liked it that much

Thanks so much for the review! And I'll try to remember to fix those little foibles when I'm back at my computer, rather than on my phone.