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Rinnaul
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The Hammer to Rarity’s Anvil
By Surry

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Got nothing. Have sexy Rarity instead.


Commentary


Passive voice is an issue, and the past perfect construction in the opening paragraph reads awkwardly. Both could probably be rewritten to read more smoothly.

The descriptions of Hammer are lacking in subtlety and come off as very “fanficcy”, and in a bad way. I’m reminded of too many OC descriptions that are more interested in convincing us that the character in question is so hot than actually telling us anything interesting. If you want to see the worst of the worst in this sort of thing, here’s an ancient link: https://web.archive.org/web/20070705094605/http://mataglap.com/baddescs.html. Yours isn’t nearly as bad as any of those, but that it reminded me of it at all isn’t a good sign.

Having the character talk to himself is a bit awkward as far as giving us his thoughts, and it’s done with a pile of saidisms, as well. In the first scene, you use “spoke”, “muttered”, “yelled”, “admitted”, and “noted”. Each of these has a particular meaning, and using them as stand-ins for “said” is just a distraction.

Saidisms continue through the second scene, and dialogue becomes repetitive with the same construction appearing almost constantly: ”Dialogue,” she verbed. Further, the grammar in that construction is often incorrect:

me." He added.

That should be a comma, not a full stop, and “he” shouldn’t be capitalized.

Going back to the start of the second scene, inserting sound effects is always an iffy proposition, and I think here the story would have been better served by just having Rarity react to the noise in the narrative, rather than playing out the noise itself.

The writing style is improving, but I’m starting to notice occasional typos, generally in the form of word confusion—”sowing” for “sewing”, for example.

Rarity keeps saying “Oh gosh”, and that just doesn’t sound like her. Actually, her voice is a bit off throughout, but that particular verbal tic is the most obvious issue.

Including sound effects in narrative is questionable enough, but I really have to advise against including them in dialogue. Just say the character sighed or huffed. Don’t include “Sigh” or “Huff” in the speech itself. Although I’ll grant Rarity could get away with a spoken “sigh” while being melodramatic, but few others could (I’d include Diamond Tiara and Blueblood on the list), and it only works in certain circumstances.

He made subtle eye contact with her, captivating her full attention.

Word choice stands out here. “Capturing” works better.

...bubblegum perfume? For Rarity?

known to a few as petrichor.

Showing off knowledge is cool and all, and I rarely shy away from educating my readers, but save things like this for a Twilight scene.

Hammer pressed his tongue to the back of her mouth, exploring her gums and the inside lining of her cheeks.

That’s actually not the most pleasant feeling. He’d be close to choking her, doing that.

I’m skimming the actual foreplay and sex a bit, as it’s reading just a bit dull to me. In part this is because the language is at times too detached and clinical (“abdominal region” and “pelvic area” come to mind). I think it could also be helped with some longer paragraphs and sentences. What we have just feels a little choppy.

Here, let’s take this bit.

Her hot, damp breath grazed across the surface of his gray, exposed foreskin, making him wince in anticipation.

The sudden heat and moisture being applied to his nether region aroused him even further.

A smoother read might be something like ”Her steamy breath grazed across the surface of his shaft, making him wince in anticipation as it aroused him even further.”

For the record, “foreskin” refers to the glans covering on a human penis. In equines (and most mammal genera), that role is served by the penile sheath. Probably not what you were going for.

Hammer is a little too cautious and apologetic. It makes him a bit dull in a sex scene.

Rarity blushed heavily at his sudden advances

After lavishing oral on him and thoroughly sucking him off, she’s the one blushing at advances?

On to the second chapter, it seems strange to move from the couch to a bath. Plus, it gets pretty heavy-handed in the attempts to show off Rarity’s character—particularly given that, as a main character on the show, the reader is already going to know these things about her.

Where had all this courage suddenly come from? He was now ten times the stallion from just moments ago.

Language like this is a sign of weak characterization, particularly when we don’t see where it came from on the other’s side.

Why was this so much better than before? Something felt… different to Rarity.

This as well. But better authors than I have commented on sudden love.

A drop of warm water curtailed

Word use. To “curtail” something is to stop or restrict it. Not sure what you meant.

He could feel some kind of wetness down her thighs, but it wasn’t like the water in the tub. It more closely resembled the texture of her saliva.

The moisture she gave off coated his hoof with a smooth, thin layer. He wasn’t stupid though, he knew exactly what this was.

First, the vague description in the first sentence implies he doesn’t know what it is. It suggests an attempt to identify what he’s feeling. Second, another “for the record” point, sex in water has some issues. The water tends to wash away the preejaculate that serves as natural lubrication, making for (ironically) dry and abrasive intercourse—particularly so in the case of chlorinated water.

“I-It is Jack, but… I… I wanted to do this in my room. I’m s-sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

Then why did you bring him upstairs and guide him to the bath?

Approaching the actual sex, characterization jumps all over the place. I’ve never sure at any given time whether Rarity or Hammer will be dominant or submissive.

He was forced to stop when her fluid entered his nostrils as there was no longer any for him to breathe.

I’m told horses produce much more lubrication than humans do, but I somehow doubt it’s enough for cunnilingus to carry a risk of drowning.

I’m all for dialogue and characters interacting during sex, but this is reaching the point of absurdity. It feels like they’re having whole conversations between switching positions.

Know how I keep questioning the decision to use sound effects in the narrative? Well, announcing the moment of penetration with “Schlick.” might be the worst use of that possible.

“Crashing” is being used often enough that it’s becoming noticeably overdone.

sadistic antagonizing marathon

I think you meant “agonizing”.

...climaxing literally kills him? I honestly don’t even know what to say to that.

Love blossoming out of a one-night-stand is certainly possible, but I don’t think they’d manage it that same night.

And that ending...


Review


The story is plagued by saidisms and word choice errors. Characterization is weak and inconsistent, and the sex is constantly interrupted by conversations that do nothing to convince me of a developing romance, instead serving only to drag out the scene even longer.

Strange stylistic choices like including sound effects in the narrative distract the reader, and the writing style is rather choppy throughout.

Finally, the ending is just bizarre.

None of these problems are major enough to sink the story, but together they add up to a fairly weak piece of writing.


Tips


Avoid saidisms. If “he said” would suffice without losing any pertinent details, then just write “he said”.

Watch character voice. Try to imagine the character speaking your dialogue on the show. Does it fit them?

Nine times out of ten, you’re going to want active voice, not passive. It provides a lot more energy to the writing that way. Here’s what to look for: “I did this” is active. “This was done by me” is passive. In active voice, the subject of the sentence takes action. In passive, it is acted upon.

Dialogue during sex certainly isn’t a problem in itself, but when it interrupts and distracts from the scene, then it is one.

If you’re going to use an unfamiliar word, make sure you check it’s definition first. It may not be the word you actually want, or it may have unintended connotations.

Drop the sound effects. Almost invariably, “Rarity looked up from the closet she was rummaging through as a trio of loud knocks sounded from her front door” is going to read better than “Knock knock knock!

Aim for consistency in your characters and actions. They should have a general trend from Point A to Point B. Some backtracking makes sense, of course, but then the story should indicate that said backtracking happened for a good reason.


Verdict


The problems here are numerous, but as none of them are a real deal-breaker, I’m going to declare this one:

Enjoyable. But only just barely.

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