The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! 1,212 members · 156 stories
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Something Stupid by Jagreen

A short, very cute look into young Shining Armour and Princess Cadence's life. Cliché, yes, but an enjoyable read and at only 1600 words, why wouldn't you read it?

Grammar (10/10):
I really couldn't see anything wrong with this story grammar-wise. I couldn't find anything in my three readthroughs, nor could I find any sentences that really grated, except for the ones that were purposefully meant to be awkward and a bit grating.

Style (4/10):
The style is... Well, it's not bad by any means, but it's not the most interesting style you could use. It's very heavy on exposition and telling, so it is rather monotonous without very much variety. However, I will say it is very well paced and what emotion it does try to show rather than tell is handled well and is gotten across well. The mood is also set tastefully, cheesy and cutsie but not overpowering. So, if I thougt it was good enough, why only a four? Because of this:

“Uhh, well, I, uh,” Shining said, feeling about as smooth as he sounded. When Cadance giggled that adorable giggle of her’s again, he was only reminded of what he wanted to say. “I just wanted to say, that I, uhh, kinda, sort of, love you.” Shining's voice was barely audible by the end of his sentence

Okay, not going to lie, this was painful to read. I know I said in the grammar section that the author only made the parts that were meant to be awkward awkward, but there is a line. If I am cringing in a story when for the rest of the whole story I've basically been sighing at how sickly sweet it is, then there is a problem. A story should not shift in it's tone this much, especially not for one paragraph. This actually irked me a lot.

Narrative (8/10):
Narrative is done competently with a decent amount of explanation packed into a few words. Granted, this is one of the reasons why the Style didn't do very well but it does help with making the narrative very clear. It has a very logical progression and everything does make sense and come together nicely. However, it also doesn't really do much with this nice clear narration other than get across things that could have been shown to the audience much more nicely

Characters (9/10):
I liked the characters in this a lot. I really enjoy Shining and Cadence unlike a lot of people I know and I really enjoy reading stories of them getting together. I do feel like the author really got their personalities down and they were both very likeable characters, with shining being very relateable. My main problem, and the reason this doesn't get a ten is that Shining seemed a bit... dim witted? Yes, i liked him but for pieces like what I showed above and a few other less extreme cases, he just felt like he was being not quite as clever as I felt he should be. Still, we know very little about him as a foal, so this is all up to interpretation, but I still feel it hurt the likeabiility of the character a bit.

Originality (4/10)
This is a very Clichéd story, but I honestly can't fault it for that. it feels like this was meant to be written to be a cute, cheesy, clichéd love story. There isn't much to separate it from others like it, apart from the fact that most like it are either much longer or just not as good. I wish I didn't have to grade it on this, but it is what is written in the Rubric.

My Recommendation
I enjoyed this story more than I think the actual rating will suggest. I feel like it is definitely worth a read especially if you like cute fluffy shipfics.

Rating: 31/50 or 62% (C)

Hope I did okay for my first review and I hope to be doing more soon. See you guys later.

Group Admin

Good review! You might elaborate a bit more on what's good via examples, but well done!

Group Admin

I liked this, glad to have you Aura:twilightsmile:

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised on a low originality score. I really just wrote this as a spur of the moment thing because I wanted to try my hand at romance. I have been told (a lot) that it is heavy on the telling, and although I keep saying that I wanted to keep the reader's mind on the scene at the hill, all the comments on it are starting to wear me down. As for the style problem, I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

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