3570626

Oh, thanks for explaining how the point system works. And you're not the only one, it took my 3am self to think that using 250 words worth of random quotes was a good idea in a 750 word limit story lol. Though was admittedly fun since I took it as a challenge.

3570611
Woo! I'm an award-winning author now!

Why Pony Pants Were Invented by Anonymous (2.56)

Woo boy! I can't even remember the last time people disliked something I wrote this much. Love it!

For record though, that wasn't a troll fic. At least not intentionally.

And Tit Wank is an awesome pony name.

Prudes.

Hello everyone! Finally, at the last possible moment, I am announcing my existence in the discussions thread for the writeoff.

The regulars here no doubt remember me from the writeoffs back on /fic/, while the newcomers may have seen my face among the members list. In case we haven’t met before, hi, I’m Writer Number 25, the co-founder of this writeoff group and the co-founder of The Royal Guard spotlighting group.

I’m absolutely thrilled at the record turnout we’ve had. I’m also very happy that my story, The Darkfire Phoenix, got seventh place. I haven’t written any fiction for almost a year now (which is the main reason why you haven’t seen me around), so my skills are rustier than an underwater train yard. For that reason, despite all its shortcomings, I am very happy with how the story turned out, and with the return to the writing circuit that it represents.

So thank you all for your feedback, especially PresentPerfect, horizon, and others who held my story in such high regard—your encouragement was very welcome. Tomorrow, I will post an in-depth analysis/discussion of my story and my reviews, since that seems to be all the rage right now.

I think that, once again, the write-off experience was damaged by the short time allowed for writing. Most of the problems people identified in stories could have been caught in a revision, or were the result of not taking time to think things through in the first place. You could argue that severe time limits are educational because people make more mistakes, giving us more things to analyze and learn from--but are they the same kinds of mistakes? It's a bit like training for the Olympic speed-skating team on bad ice because you think falling down more often will make you a better skater.

I don't know how TD wrote 5 stories (3000 words). I wrote one 500-word story, and that was a first draft produced in 7 hours straight, with about a half hour for proofreading.

3570626

Well, the thing is that submitting multiple stories is risky, in that you can lose points as well as gain them; low-ranking submissions are actually worth negative points. It is actually zero sum; the best entries gain as many points as the lowest entries lose points.

Well, if the intent is to use the scoreboard as enticement for writers to participate, then I think the current setup is counterproductive exactly due to the possibility of a negative score; if I cared about my score I would have skipped this round instead, for example, given the sheer number of entries and the high profile writers that had just created accounts for it.

(And it would have been the right call, as I got a negative score.)

If, on the other hand, the intent is to not have authors take part unless they think their work can stand on its own, then it seems appropriate — though, being zero-sum, it's self-calibrating, meaning the tendency would be to push away the bottom half of authors every time and promote just the usual suspects remaining, at least among those that care for the score. Meanwhile, it won't have any effect on players that either don't care about their score or that are already well into negative scores.

3570760
I wrote all four of my stories in the span of about five hours, from about 5 am to 10 am on the morning of the competition. The total wordcount on what I wrote was 3,264 words, as I had to shave down Moving Heaven and Earth significantly. That's just how I write; I either am not really writing at all, or I'm writing a bunch.

On the one hand, giving us more time would have allowed us to proofread and polish our stories more. On the other hand, you might see someone go crazy and write like, ten entries or something.

3570779
I'm not really sure what the purpose of the scoreboard is, though I don't disagree that negative scores are not enticing to people who care about their scores.

3570779 Would you feel better about negative scores if the scoreboard added a constant to everyone's score so that they weren't negative?

3570779

It also is very inconsistent. The winner of this round got 50 points, the loser losing 50 points. So if you got first place in the last four prompts but failed this one, you would have a score of 7.

3570057
I noted something similar as well. I don't know how applicable this is to the judging as a whole, but... I thought "Spring Cleaning" would do better simply because most of the people who are known for being good reviewers placed it among their favorites. And yet it finished 12th, meaning that the reading public at large felt differently, and consistently so, or I would have shown up in the "most controversial" finals. Seeing as how these contests are usually populated by the writer/reviewer types, we're used to having a certain outcome, but when there's a lot of participation, it skews toward a different demographic. I guess the lesson is "write to your audience," though it would have been tough to anticipate so many voters.

3570879
Heh. I personally don't care about the scores. Like I said, if I cared I wouldn't have taken part in this round.

As for what would be best way to change the scoring system, if change is desired, first we need to know what is its intent.

Is it to bring as many submissions as possible, regardless of quality? Then making sure each individual submission never reduces the writer's total score would be a good idea; can be done by adding a constant, by considering negative scores as zero when computing the final score, or by any other means.

Is it to make authors always take part, though not necessarily with as many works as they can write? Then making the contributing score of individual submissions always positive is not needed; instead, make the final score in an event never negarive. Could also pick for scoring purposes just the best placed story of an author, which would still keep an incentive to write multiple stories but with diminishing returns.

Basically, if there is any intent to use the scoring system as an incentive, identify what is the behavior that the scoring system is meant to incentive and make sure the writer is never punished for it.

While there can be negative scores for individual stories, I believe the overall scoreboard shows all lifetime scores as at least 0.

3570901
I don't think the scoring system was meant to handle this volume (and, especially, this change in volume, from 7 stories last round to 51 this one).

Besides, like others already said, this round is anomalous, both in quantity and in quality; a story that merely got 5 this time is likely better than most stories in the early rounds.

3570919
Not sure how it tracks total user scores below zero, but it does allow events to reduce the total score, which is what I was talking about.

My post was more a response to 3570626 , who was saying that submitting multiple stories is risky. Well, if the intent of the system is to incentive writers to submit multiple stories, then it shouldn't be risky, which is what got me to write that. Not that I care much myself — I'm not very competitive, so getting low scores won't drive me away, at least as long as I think I'm improving by taking part in the events — but it might be something to think about.

For the first time in a long time, I wasn't able to use any pre-existing story concepts I had stored up, so I came up with both on the spot, one I liked, and one I thought was decent enough for the sake of having a second entry. They seem to have been judged pretty much that way, too. I was surprised to see so much discussion about one of my stories and pleased to see that after some early misfires, most people seemed to get the gist of it. On the other hand, most people assumed something about the second that puzzled me a little. So, my comments on my own stories, and there are far too many posts to go back through and link. I can only hope the reviewers see this if they care to discuss any further. I'll try to address specific points I saw made, though the more recent ones will stick in my head better. I'll take my second story first. The second one I wrote, that is.

Love Thine Enemy
The overwhelming, and almost solitary, criticism against this story is that the reveal was made too obvious from the beginning. I know the slow build-up to a dramatic reveal is a common way to handle a story, but why would everyone assume that's what was intended here? You're supposed to figure him out very quickly. The story isn't about discovering Tundra's secret; it's about watching Cadence toy with him. Whether or not that works is another matter, but it really surprised me that this occurred to literally nobody, at least among those who posted reviews.

I do take Cadence through a darker characterization here, and I did consider doing the good cop/bad cop routine one commenter suggested, and that may work well without the word cap. These are the creatures who attacked Cadence, stole her husband, and disrupted her wedding, though, so I wouldn't expect her to be accommodating at all.

One reviewer complained of a character acting in the same paragraph with another's speech. As a blanket statement, that's not an error. It can be, if the pattern continues alternating the characters that way for several paragraphs, because it then forms an odd decoupling. It also can be if the actions and speech aren't tied together. But for an occasional thing, where the actions are direct reactions to or prompts for the speech, this is fine. It's even a good idea in a tight, limited narration, where the perspective character might muse in between the bits of speech. This isn't something I'd change.

A couple of reviewers also questioned its relation to the prompt. This one's simple: Tundra's quote of "I quit." He thought he could end it there and make his escape.

So, the intended meaning was that Cadence had figured out at some point while Tundra was deployed on his last mission that he wasn't the real Tundra. If she knew any earlier than that, she probably would have confronted him before he left, for the sake of trying to find Tundra, since it's one of the first things she asks him after she drops the pretense. She spends the early part of the interview teasing him out and seeing how far he's willing and able to take the deception, which is also a form of intelligence. Finding out whether he really can eat, for instance, could be a valuable test, or whether he knew his mark's behavior well enough to refuse the coffee.

Spring Cleaning
Ah, the one that the early reviews didn't seem to get, and then all of a sudden, people did. I do remember many of the specifics here, since they got discussed a lot. Essentially, Titanium Dragon and Bad Horse figured out what was going on. Their explanations fit the facts, and so are as good as any, though they differ slightly from my intent. Two of the late reviewers complained about a tense shift, which I will take issue with, and I was really surprised that horizon was one of the two. I'd have expected him to have seen such a thing before.

There are a couple of spots rendered out of past tense, because they're her indirect thought. It would make sense for her to think such things in present tense, and to back them out as narration would remove that closeness from them and pretty much necessitate my adding a subject in there, and that would kill the stream-of-consciousness feel. This is entirely fine with me, and I'd leave it this way.

Though I'd rather do it all at once, I'll get into explaining the meaning of the whole story, since a lot of the detailed criticisms are how small parts of the story relate to its message.

The part about the broken window is meant to show that Derpy assumes guilt for things that are bygones or that may not have been her fault in the first place. This sets up why she might have felt that she deserved the letters and why it's a watershed moment for her to reject that notion at the end.

The first time she gets emotional about the book is when she avoids it altogether. But then she decides to go ahead and deal with it. She knows the letters are inside, and her choice of "stupid" to describe the book shows that she lumps both together, in contrast to her seeing them quite differently by the end.

The book is described as soft-cover with a colorful illustration. This is jumping ahead a bit, but the possibilities exist that Derpy or the stallion wrote it or that it was a gift. How it has a meaning that's so personal to her might suggest she wrote it, but the illustration on the cover would indicate something commercially produced, hence a gift. Really, any of these could work, but a gift was the intent.

On to the poetry itself. There are depictions of flight first, which uncannily speak to how she perceives it, so it was a good match for her, even though it's probably a safe assumption to make for just about any pegasus. The creation of nature here doesn't refer to the act of creating the entire world, just the amazing things found in it and what feelings and images nature can create. Similarly, it moves on to describe the state of motherhood like flight, with the same joys and terrors, and the same thoughts of creation that nature inspires. It's clean poetry, or Derpy wouldn't want to read it to Dinky later. In fact, the subject matter of motherhood at all implies that the book was a gift for the occasion of finding out she was pregnant or to commemorate Dinky's birth. Again, jumping ahead, but this is why she feels like she earned the book. Pregnancy's obviously a trying time, plus she's raised Dinky alone. That's why she smiles and doesn't expect to. It's finally starting to sink in that the book and the letters are quite separate things.

Bad Horse nailed the description of the letters as being insincere, even though Derpy may not be presenting them quite accurately. I envision her as voicing the phrase "most precious gold" sarcastically, either because she's inventing the line to portray how she now sees the letters or because she's quoting an actual line she now sees in a new light.

Then the bit of text actually presented. Again, TD's and Bad Horse's explanations work fine here, but this is what I had in mind: Derpy was friends with this stallion, and over time, he started having romantic thoughts about her, which she didn't really reciprocate, if she even noticed. So he proposed trying to take their friendship to something more, and what finally drew her in was his promise that things could go back to the way they'd been before if it didn't work out. But they didn't. He bought her the book in honor of Dinky, so he was on board with that at first, but he pretty quickly decided that fatherhood wasn't for him, and he left. She'd already accepted that possibility, but what really hurt her was the betrayal of his promise that they'd still be friends. He's gone, and he has nothing to do with her or Dinky anymore.

So she still considers the letters and book to be of a similar vein, even though she'd started thinking otherwise, and she's ready to throw both away, more to get rid of the bad memories. Except that her anecdote about the window says she's probably never going to let go completely or stop blaming herself. But then she does. She tosses the letters, because she can finally say she didn't deserve them. As one commenter kept saying, he wasn't convinced what this meant. He figured she felt she didn't deserve the compliments and was feeling down on herself, but see what follows: "She didn’t deserve those, she noted with a smile." Why would she smile at deciding she wasn't worth compliments? Perhaps if it had been qualified with something like "grim" or "forced," but this is plain. She's made that break. She's throwing away what she didn't deserve (the letters, signifying the way she was treated) and keeping what she does deserve (Dinky and the poetry in honor of her).

It was a challenge to wrangle all that into the limited word count, but the majority of reviewers seemed to work it out, either by themselves or in discussion.

3570057
I think the more contest entries you get, the lower the top score is likely to be, because you've got more voters and thus more disagreement. I mean, all four of my stories were the top picks by multiple people... but no one person liked all four of my stories. More people means more opportunities for someone to not like a story.

3570908
Well, I think that story had the issue of some folks not really getting what the point of it was, and why she didn't deserve them.

Also, in all fairness, it was only a point behind the winner.

3570911
Making the total score for participation never less than zero might work.

3570952
Well, the other thing is that it is sensitive to a change in volume. It is true that the median story in this event may well have been better than normal, because a lot of people were incentivized to write in for the first time, or for the first time in a long time.

3570557
Wimp.

...Only if they have choose your own toppings. <.<

3570561
The LUS was because I didn't want to be all "THIS IS MOM AND THIS IS DAD" from the get-go, and didn't want to name them, not to mention who thinks about their parents via their names? I was trying to drive home the fact that the ponies were all identical, and the only way to do that is to describe them continually.

And I always write a bunch of entries for minific contests. If I don't write more than two, something is wrong; I'm probably taking them too seriously.

Also, "fewmets" is a legitimate word. It's poop, but it's a particular kind of poop in a particular kind of context. Unfortunately, in the context of MLP fanfic, I continually parse it as "cutesy/whimsical fantasy curse word nipped from someone else's story". Which isn't true, that I know (though you may have found a culprit), but it has that feeling and is quickly becoming a pet peeve.

3570611
Oh gosh. :O

3570592
3570626
It's not just that TD submitted a lot of entries, or that they scored well, but that there were a TON of entries this time around. I've won contests with fewer than ten stories and gotten only a handful of points. The idea is that more competition yields more points. Unfortunately, that's the one thing you really have no control over as a writer, so scoring well, or poorly, can really make or break a score. Which is why it's a good idea not to keep track of it as anything but a curiosity.

3571032

not to mention who thinks about their parents via their names?

My brother. True story

I was trying to drive home the fact that the ponies were all identical, and the only way to do that is to describe them continually.

If you don't want to dip into telling, perhaps. Like I said in my review, I think being a bit telly — just enough to cut the confusion — might have been better. At least you could have avoided a LUS-plosion

3570992

I think the largest problem with Spring Cleaning is that it is all based on assumptions. It leaves a lot to chance since, as individuals, we dont' always see certain acts and situations the same way. What you thought was obvious because, "illustration on the cover would indicate something commercially produced", I saw as a diary or journal and she just happened to write poetry. You heard, "I envision her as voicing the phrase "most precious gold" sarcastically" while the reader has no indication they were supposed to be that way unless they already have a previous disposition to them. Just as easily as you think that he mistreated her because, "Why would she smile at deciding she wasn't worth compliments?" I could make the argument that she mistreated him and has finally decided to stop punishing herself over it. Either one could be correct, therefore neither are really correct. Someone commented before that you have to work with a rule of 3s if you want to include that crucial information to your story, and you have hints they just don't all lead to a unified conclusion.

3571032

I might have gotten the joke that they were real and she was serious if maybe you did use "Dad" and "Mom" but like "Dad12 was cooking while Mom17 cleaned the mantel." Though I still would have guessed mirror pool. Not much can be done about that :P

3571072
Most of the details you've picked out here are pretty immaterial, and I only included them for flavor. I even said on the book, for instance, there are several possible explanations that jump out, and any of them can work. The only one that's crucial is why she felt like she didn't deserve the letters, and I'm well satisfied with the ratio of people who understood it to those who didn't. As InquisitorM likes to say, if absolutely everyone understands the story, the author's done something wrong, and if you're the victim this time, then, well, so be it.

I didn't figure I'd medal anyway, but for the competition at large, I'm disappointed in what the voting decided to reward and overlook.

I had no idea that this thread existed until Horizon told me about it. I'm still riding high on getting first place, so thanks to everyone who gave me high scores.

Now I'm thinking of ways to expand it to the length where it'll be accepted onto Fimfiction. Present Perfect's already given me a good idea of where to start, but I thought I'd ask all of you what I can add to it or change about it.

3571095

The first place I would look at is the description of the murals (or, currently, the lack of description); seems to be one place that can be expanded without breaking the feeling of the piece, and the murals can serve the double purpose of providing more backstory on the life Daring Do lived.

Perhaps also have Daring Do enter the mausoleum and jokingly quibble a bit about something in the murals (or the lack of something; perhaps Situ isn't pictured, and Daring feels like he should). Seems to fit the personality you gave her.

3571095
Hint: read the reviews.

3571032
I'm sure there's a good way of doing it. That wasn't it though. Maybe mom/dad would have worked better? I dunno, but it didn't really work for me at all as-is; the LUS was very distracting.

And some people do call their parents by their given names; one of my friends always did.

It's not just that TD submitted a lot of entries, or that they scored well, but that there were a TON of entries this time around.

Hopefully there will be a ton next time, too.

Though unless it is another minific one, probably won't be quite so many.

3571072
I actually thought it was a poetry journal when I read it; all sorts of diaries and journals have images on them.

3571081
I don't think there's anything wrong with writing a story that everyone understands. I just think it is hard to do given human reading error rates and varied literacy levels.

3571095
You missed out on all the fun! Well, we still have some cake left.

Okies, so like, I wrote "It's Liquid Pride," and it is the first complete fanfic I have ever written! I'm working on another one, but it looks like it will end up in the 30,000-50,000 word range, and i currently only have only 2,500, so...

It got 17th place, and considering how many amazing fics there were, I'm pretty happy with that. I knew there were some powerhouse authors participating, but I didn't think the average participant in this contest would be quite so intelligent! I thought 50% of the fics would be awful, 30% okay-ish, and 20% awesome. But man... SO MANY GOOD FICS

I should have known a contest would attract only the best of the best! Yeees, I mean you guys.

Cookies for everyone!

I want to thank everyone for their kind words about my story. I was bouncing up and down on my chair in excitement, reading those reviews. I was REALLY worried about whether people would understand my fic. That's pretty much why I named it "It's Liquid Pride," just to make sure it wouldn't go over anyone's head, and most of my editing involved making things more and more obvious. Seeing that people not just understood my fic, but laughed at it, was just like omgOMG ppl like it ahhhh wtf YESSSS omg i can't even

Also, WTF i didn't know we could use italics! When I copy/pasted it into the submission box, I saw that it removed my italics, so I replaced them with ' '. Then I saw that other people had used italics and I was like efffffffffffffff

Does it work the same way as fimfiction? Brackets?

and um yeah

so like, here are my responses to some complaints

COMPLAINT #1 THAT PPL HAD ABOUT MY FIC: Shining Armor stubbed a toe. A TOE?! Oh man... I edited it so carefully... can't believe I missed that.

COMPLAINT #2: Cadance's last line was a little confusing, which I can certainly see. Probably made a few people scroll back up to reread Cadance's first line, which isn't a good thing. And now that I reread my fic, the use of "When I said X, I didn't mean Y!" strikes me as horribly cliche. I'll definitely change this...

COMPLAINT #3: Horizon said that "I do think that the final section overplays the joke a little." Well, my ending used to be just two lines -

He didn't have to look at the newspaper the next morning to know what the headlines said.

PRINCE DISPLAYS PRIDE AT FRIEND'S MURDER

- but I expanded that for 2 reasons. One: I really needed more words. Two: It was the following morning, so I figured I should use a full scene break. But if I do that, shouldn't the following scene be like... a full scene? I thought having a full scene break followed by a mere two sentences with no setting might rub some people the wrong way. Guess I was just paranoid? I'll slim it back down if it ever gets posted on fimfiction. I can't post it now, since it's my only story, and it's less than 1000 words. I guess that means I have no choice but to participate in more of these, so I can post a compilation!

COMPLAINT #4: he was MURDERED?!? Yeah, I definitely agree, murder is much too dark for my fic. However, consider this: If I hadn't said how he died, and ended the fic with "PRINCE DISPLAYS PRIDE AT FRIEND'S DEATH," some people might have tried to justify it in their heads! They might have assumed that, if Shiny was proud, Quartz Quill must have died saving foals from a burning building or something - pride at that sort of death would be perfectly understandable. Even if I spelled it out earlier in the eulogy that he passed away in his sleep, one could conceivably be proud that he lived a long, full life. I needed the headline to be unquestionably damning for it to be an effective punchline. There's no way anyone can justify pride at somepony's murder, so murder I wrote.

COMPLAINT #5: wtf dude, Shiny was at a funeral, not a murder scene! That refers to the headline/punchline, "PRINCE DISPLAYS PRIDE AT FRIEND'S MURDER." Eh... I dunno... when I hear the word "murder," I interpret it as the FACT that someone was murdered. I don't interpret it as a literal murder scene, even though the existence of one is implied. If someone told you, "there was a murder last night," would you immediately register that as "there was a murder scene last night?" I wouldn't. I'd register the meaning as "someone was murdered last night," and the newspaper headline follows that way of thinking. Am I just weird that way? Maybe living in a foreign country are slowly make not good my English? That must be it.

COMPLAINT #6: The title gives away the punchline and ruins it! Understandable perspective. Perhaps I erred on the side of caution, making sure everyone would understand it. Anyone else think I should change the title?

COMPLAINT #7: TOO EFFING SHORT Hrm. It is pretty short. The shortest fic in the entire contest, in fact. I really wasn't sure how to expand it though. I said everything I wanted to say. The story was finished. Out of curiosity, how many people considered its short length a strike against it?

I'll have to keep these relatively short just because of the sheer numbers, so I won't point out individual mechanical problems, for example. If I think the story needs better editing, I'll leave it at that. And my opinions are just that: opinions. It's up to each author to determine whether they need addressing. Don't read anything into the relative amounts of good or bad things to say. It's not really applicable here, since these are too short for Equestria Daily, but that's the scale I use. A 10 is something that'd be a slam dunk for getting posted, a 7 is one where I could see it getting accepted but with considerable reservations. 4-6 would be one not ready yet, but could be with some work, and below that are ones I couldn't see making it without a complete overhaul.

Wow, I never would have picked that for a winner. There aren't even that many in the top ten that I voted as above average. Go figure.

Falling Apples
What I liked: Cheerilee's character was a nice picture of her. She does strike me as the hapy mom type. In fact, the interactions between the two of them were quite authentic.
What I didn't: This ended up retreading a lot of the same ground as "Applebuck Season." The number of subject-less sentences started to grate a bit, but I suspect that's more an issue of saving word count than as an intended depiction of Big Mac's speaking style. I didn't see the story making a point, either. nice enough as a scene.

The Last Words of Starswirl the Bearded
What I liked: There's a nice setup here for some epic tale of mystery, and it creates a nice atmosphere to that end.
What I didn't: It abruptly ends that setup being a lead-in to a single joke that's not very original.

25 Famous Last Words
What I liked: Dash's characterization was nice, particularly where she felt like being the one to take charge of the situation personally. Not that she wouldn't ever, but she's not usually the take-charge type, and I liked seeing her do that in a believable way.
What I didn't: Constant use of character actions masquerading as speech tags. Pinkie's a little too random (Thomas Jefferson? She'd even know who/what that is?), and the perspective is jumpy, shich shouldn't be hard to keep under control in a work this short. Needs editing help. It didn't come to any sort of point.

You Had to Say It
What I liked: First one I've read that actually contains a story arc. Discord's failure to learn his lesson is pretty appropriate for him.
What I didn't: Needs editing help. Somehow, i don't see Discord as susceptible to physical accidents. He had pretty quick reflexes when Tirek attacked him, after all, and he has myriad creative ways to avoid them.

The Worst It Could Possibly Be
What I liked: Nice madcap shenanigans going on, to the point it was obvious something weird was going on. Too many stories almost play this too subtly and just end up leaving the reader confused.
What I didn't: Gets kind of repetitive and could use a little editing. Who was telling the story? My guess would be Spike, since he stars in it, but you never say.

Pinkie Pie Makes Brownies
What I liked: This is the nice oblivious and trusting version of Pinkie that I like seeing.
What i didn't: There seemed to be a decent amount of extraneous verbiage, especially up front, and the perspective wanders around. Gets telly, too. Try to keep it to what one character could know or perceive, at least for a story this short. Needs a little editing help, too. Just a personal thing, but I'm not a fan of drug use in ponyfics. Wow, that ending was really abrupt.

Those Awful Rumors 'Round Town
What I liked: Good distinctive characterization for a large cast. They all have good individual voices. Good setup for Scootaloo's situation and the tension of everyone wanting to know.
What I didn't: Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle kind of flip-flop in their attitude toward this idle speculation. You might want to keep them consistent. The reveal is somewhat muted, as it only answers part of the question. For instance, we don't know where she went. And since the other two CMCs have been to her room in canon, it's not like they wouldn't know anything about her family life.

Rain
What I liked: Writing quality was high, and while that may seem a vague thing to say in isolation, it's really the main thing to look for in a story.
What I didn't: A few small editing issues, and some dialogue was transparently expository. I have no idea whether the ending was supposed to be funny. It's out of place with the rest of the story and feels like trolling, yet doesn't really end on that as a stinger, so I'm not sure I can properly credit it as one, either.

Listen
What I liked: Very well written, with a nice flow to the prose and good charactierization.
What I didn't: The one mechanical mistake I saw is a pet peeve of mine: the past tense of "lead" is "led." And I'm always a bit leery of any religious treatment of the princesses, because they seem to forgo even ceremony when possible. Though admittedly I'll sometimes deliberately write something against my preferences just to see if I can pull it off. Great scene, but even with the implications, I don't know that it constitutes a story arc. Just for the worldbuilding aspect, I would have appreciated how Loquacious will communicate what the first word is once she hears it, since she can't speak. Yes, it may be as simple as writing it, but I'd still like to know. And what significance does the word actually have? Just ceremonial, seen as prophetic...? Apparently, such a thing has happened before, so what came of it then?

Moving Heaven and Earth
What I liked: Nice little slice of life about discovering their talents. I especially liked Luna's characterization.
What I didn't: It didn't really draw a conclusion, particularly since I already knew how it must turn out. And it loses some impact without much emotional context from Celestia and especially Luna. It spent more time giving cues from the archmage, whose emotions can afford to be stereotypical.

The Last Line
What I liked: Spike writing seems like a familiar concept... Hey maybe because I've written that, too! There's a nice dynamic between the two here.
What I didn't: A little on the heavy-handed side, and Spike doesn't have much of a reaction to the lesson he's supposedly learned, aside from the academic.

Half-Moon
What I liked: Nice idea of what became of Nightmare Moon (I should know—I did something very similar before). And an interesting idea that Luna has won favor with various other characters and might have them on her side.
What I didn't: A conflict is set up for Luna, but it never goes anywhere, and there's just the barest hint of what direction it might.

Laugh, Laugh
What I liked: HIgh-quality writing, which is no mean feat.
What I didn't: I'm not quite sold that this sounds like Pinkie's voice. And I swear I've read this same premise in a previous write-off. Now that I search on it, I don't see another on the site, but I really feel like I've seen this before. Anyway, I'm kind of left to my own devices as to why Ponyacci would mean so much to Pinkie. Conceptually, it makes sense, but I don't get it from her.

Disconsolate
What I liked: Twilight's mindset about funerals and how her sense of duty clashes with feeling out of place. Not a bad setup for a mystery.
What I didn't: A few mechanical slip-ups. Not a bad setup for a mystery. I know I already said that, but on this side of the coin, that's all we have: the setup. There are a number of possible explanations, but we don't even start down that road. There's no takeaway here.

The Bearded Geezer
What I liked: Nice adventure mood, and the setting and puzzles had a good Daring Do/Indiana Jones vibe.
What I didn't: It's a little unclear whether the enchantments were set up by Celestia or Starswirl, and whether they're simply a security system or a test. It's also a disturbing implication that Twilight would be willing to grave-rob, and canon doesn't indicate her as that accomplished a spellcaster yet to pull off these very delicate acts of magic.

It's Liquid Pride
What I liked: The perspective keeping with Shining was good, showing his inner conflict about appearances.
What I didn't: Use of "buck" as an expletive. C'mon. I don't understand the ending at all. It's seen as unbecoming that he got emotional at a friend's funeral? Or just that the newspapers are taking a jab at him? If the latter, why does he care?

Eponalepsis
What I liked: Diction creates a nice epic feel of events with great import. Purple prose doesn't often work, but here it does.
What I didn't: There seems to be a mythos going on here, but it's completely lost on me. There's a connection being drawn between all these canon characters, but I see no hint of what it is or what it means, then there's some animosity between Celestia and Twilight, but I have no knowledge of the motivation for it. Basically, I have no idea what any of this means, except that Twilight is apparently succeeding Celestia, perhaps after the world has already ended.

The Shortest Possible Distance
What I liked: Cute story, and a nice slice of life in Twilight's school days.
What I didn't: Not really a story arc here. I guess it's a little hard to believe nobody else would try teleportation, but on the other hand, it's implied that Twilight had never successfully cast the spell before the series pilot.

The Pony and the Phoenix
What I liked: It's a nice way of telling from the phoenix's point of view, but I'm not sure about the last line.
What I didn't: Some synchronization issues with using participles and "as" clauses. As to that last line, the phoenix has presumably seen many other creatures, so I don't know why she might expect him to burst into flame. I can only read that as it being noteworthy for her to say, because she finds it surprising or she's feeling some satisfaction about it. Neither seems to match her mood however, so it felt like an odd disconnect to end on.

Brother of Mine
What I liked: Nice to see a take on this relationship. I really haven't before, but probably just because I haven't actively gone looking.
What I didn't: The story's really about Scorpan's experiences, yet the emotions focus on everyone else. We see little from him.

A Moment of Clarity
What I liked: Damn, another story I've essentially written before. You people seem to be doing a lot of this. I do like this type of story, and it's pretty well executed.
What I didn't: Granny Smith's pretty stoic about all this, which I could see as a front she puts on, but with her holding the perspective, she just feels distant from it all. That's kind of the opposite of what you want. It somewhat dithered as well with whether it wanted to let the reader in on the secret up front or hold it for a surprise. I'm guessing the reader is supposed to figure things out right at the beginning, so with that big emotional reveal not possible later on, you need to generate it another way, and Granny Smith's perspective is the way to go.

Generations
What I liked: Cute moments with the kids, and their behavior is pretty accurate.
What I didn't: Not sure this is actually pony. Just random and didn't come to a point.

The Darkfire Phoenix
What I liked: Simply an interesting idea to invent this creature and the mythos behind it. The action sequence is well done.
What I didn't: Just a couple of mechanical issues that, while minor, were in the worst possible places. The identity of the narrator is never revealed, so I don't see the point of having it in his perspective. Basically, it doesn't buy anything over a third-person narrator, at least in my opinion. And the last paragraph makes zero sense to me. I don't know what the implication is about why the narrator or I am in prison or what significance it has to the story.

Race the Sun
What I liked: I can definitely see Dash taking on such a dangerous thing just because she felt a personal duty to do anything, if it's possible.
What I didn't: Some of the technical details about why this is dangerous and how it works don't hold water. A couple of odd tense changes and mechanical things. And what's she doing on Earth?

Once More With Feeling
What I liked: Interesting role for Twilight to take on, assuming I've interpreted the story right, and this would really beg for a deeper exploration of her motivations and experiences.
What I didn't: Twilight's quote sounds rather flippant and is at odds with the story's serious tone. It's not a groaner, so I can't be sure if this was meant to troll. If so, it doesn't quite achieve that, but it feels out of place, too.

Lessons of the Heart
What I liked: A cute look at the relationship Celestia and Twilight share.
What I didn't: Some mechanical problems, particularly with dialogue. Boo for running an entire sentence together. It treats Twilight as younger than she actually is in canon when she goes to Ponyville. It also relies an awful lot on canon to make its point, so it doesn't have that much of one on its own.

Epitaphs
What I liked: Touching moment of a friend mourning those who have gone.
What I didn't: Numerous capitalization errors. It's also difficult to pull off one of these "all the Mane 6 appear" stories while still making it feel like they all needed to. This is more on the side of having them all appear just for the sake of it. I'm also not sure what reason the narrator would have for singling out Rarity as not meaning as much to her. Seems like there's an additional story there, but without explanation, it's just hanging out there and doing nothing. I didn't quite get the ending either. It sounds like the narrator is Celestia, but her remark about the sun makes it sound like Luna has both the sun and moon in her cutie mark now. Plus a typo in the last sentence kind of leaves a bad last impression.

Regrets
What I liked: Cute story, and it's nice to see Dash get her just desserts.
What I didn't: Needs editing help, and it's a little odd to see them actually being this malicious to each other. I especially don't get Scootaloo's reaction.

Humming Brew
What I liked: It caught me up in the building tension of what this potion was supposed to do.
What I didn't: Some participle overload, tense slips, and inconsistent perspective. Meta often doesn't work. I'm not sure why the dragon economy was mentioned, since it didn't relate to anything.

Sunset Rising
What I liked: Good to see some post-EqG friendshipping to know what Sunset's been up to.
What I didn't: Gets a little heavy-handed with Sunset's emotions. The evidence was there in action, but it didn't spend much time actually going through how Sunset felt about it, particularly during her turning point.

Why Pony Pants Were Invented
What I liked: Definitely a funny take on a vexing question.
What I didn't: Haven't pants appeared in canon? Maybe not. I'm a little foggy on why he'd be looking through Rarity's dresser and why he was sure he'd see someone wearing some eventually. Not sure whether it's implied in general, or if he's sure he'll specifically see Rarity wearing some. It even seems odd that he'd consider it wonderful, as he's basically the same age as the CMCs, girls are more disposed toward romantic things, Scootaloo is repulsed by such, and the other two take a more juvenile kissy-smoochy interest. It also seems to directly contradict the premise, that by appearing in the newspaper. Why wouldn't Try Hard promulgate that reasoning if it wouldn't sustain pants' popularity?

Final Witness
What I liked: Sweet moments between Apple family members are always welcome. Good characterization of these two.
What I didn't: Last words are really a common topic of discussion among the schoolchildren? Another one that's tough to tell whether it was intended as a trollfic. The last line is an abrupt change of mood, but it's not outrageous or funny.

Caped Crusaders
What I liked: CMC antics are always fun, and their characters are rendered nicely.
What I didn't: Needs some editing help. Not really an arc here, and the relative focus between the press conference and the villain's attack seems reversed. Is this a daydream or supposedly real?

The steed of Theseus
What I liked: It kept within Celestia's perspective well, which a surprising number of authors have trouble doing. This is the one story where a stinger line at the end actually held significant impact. Good job on that.
What I didn't: Needs a lot of editing help. There actually is a story arc here, which many entries didn't have, but it's very subdued. Showing Twilight's reaction would have cemented it.

And a Smile Means Friendship to Everyone
What I liked: Fleur makes a good master of public appearance, and the writing quality was high. This may be one of the best joke fics, though they're not really my thing.
What I didn't: Jeez, I hate that spelling, but mlp.wikia uses it too, presumably due to Gameloft. There's a minor story arc here, in that Fleur parlays her animation into a theme park, but there's no meaning drawn from it, which makes the story nothing more than a lead-up to the punchline.

Quotes
What I liked: This was a very authentic sounding collection of quotes, and they're well crafted.
What I didn't: It's unclear whether these are supposed to bridge together into some manner of narrative. At times it did, but at others, it seemed more like unrelated aphorisms. In any case, for me, it either told no coherent story or tried but didn't quite make it. For the most part, they're at least thematic. A lot of the speakers identified mean little to me, though. A few lent some extra meaning when their names were recognizable or the race meant something in the context, but for many, you could have left them as anonymous without losing anything.

Daring Do and the Curse of Ahuizotl
What I liked: Good research on this one. It can be hard to tell whether names are made up or not, and since the former is most often the case, checking them out is usually a waste of time. The only reason I know of Tlaloc is because there's a mineral named after him, due to its high water content and being found in that part of the world (the more you know).
What I didn't: I wouldn't have understood what was meant by the ending without reading the comments, and for my money, it's a bit too obfuscated to expect a reader to reason out.

The Next Viral Ad
What I liked: Good creepy scenario you have set up here.
What I didn't: I've long been a proponent of forgoing physical descriptions unless they become important. This is even more so in stories with severely restricted word count. Right off the bat, so we need to know what color they are? Needs editing help. While it presents a good horror situation, it doesn't really invest in it with the kind of atmosphere needed. It takes more than situational circumstances. Focus on what the characters feel, and go beyond the norm of showing only what's seen or heard. Odd smells, touches, tastes, things just slightly out of place, and constantly raising the stakes—that's how to accomplish good horror. Boo for Carolina blue!

One Day in the Crystal Library
What I liked: Good characterization. Their interactions felt authentic. Early on, anyway.
What I didn't: The perspective shifts were off-putting. Ah, a trollfic. It executes the trolling better than the others I've suspected of doing such here, but it' still not the uproariously funny thing that really jusifies a good troll.

Alawst King Do(ne)
What I liked: A good take on someone who's let an outside interest take over her life. There's actually a story arc here, too.
What I didn't: The way of presenting it as dialogue was odd. Why frame it as her saying it to someone else when that someone else immediately steps off the stage, never to appear again? This might have worked better as a letter or diary. And while Daring's descriptions serve her emotional state, nothing else does, not really her word choice, cadence, or opportunity to deliver her reaction at the end. There are also a lot of potential complications to the custody. Is the husband contesting it? Is he even still alive? Does the daughter want it? That last one is pretty important as to whether Daring's trying to force her into something or whether there's actually been a reconciliation.

Next Step
What I liked: Funny setup, and I enjoyed seeing these characters argue of a classic "fine mess." There's an actual story here. It's good to see a conflict presented and resolved.
What I didn't: The opening exposition was handled a bit clumsily. Some editing issues. It would have been nice to know exactly how the fire happened.

...but whose?
What I liked: A great portrayal of Dash's attitude. I can totally see her doing this. A great dark mood here, too, Lovecraftian even.
What I didn't: There isn't a story arc here. There's nothing resolved, nothing accomplished. In some ways, that's even Lovecraftian, I guess, but not with the appearance of the hero. Is she too little too late?

Some Things You Just Shouldn't Say
What I liked: The "one disaster after another" scenario is a pretty reliable one for comedy, and Twilight's accidents set up several possible outcomes. I found myself wondering if Spike would think she looked like his own coloring, and... I don't know. Several ways that could go.
What I didn't: Needs editing help. What exactly did Twilight say at the beginning that Spike thought was bad luck? I don't recognize any typical phrases there. And how did the accident with Dash relate to her looking like The Mane-iac? Might be better to tie in all her mishaps to that.

Fall
What I liked: Very good use of language, and it definitely tells a complete story.
What I didn't: The ending was pretty heavy-handed and blunt. It also relays Fiocco's emotions pretty minimally, and through an external viewpoint.

Forging Harmony
What I liked: Intriguing depiction of Celestia's rise to power and the philosophy of what makes for a good ruler.
What I didn't: Tension rises here, but nothing is done to resolve it. We are to presume that Celestia prevails, but we don't know how, which would really be the key to how meaningful her victory is. Assassination, overthrow, convincing her, simply outliving her...?

There Once Lived a Princess...
What I liked: The scene is pretty emotionally charged, and the writing gets across the tension well.
What I didn't: Needs some editing help. The old cliched single tear. The alicorn herself doesn't have much of an emotional reaction, and it's hard to get invested in her plight when I don't have the faintest idea what precipitated it. She seems to accept blame for it; for all I know, she well deserved her fate.

The Dying Words of Starswirl the Bearded
What I liked: There's a good adventure feel here, and the lead-up to the reveal is keeping me interested. And wary as well...
What I didn't: Participle overload. The writing gets repetitive in other ways, too. Glad to see this didn't troll. But the ending was pretty uneventful, too. Obvious similarity to the other entry that sounds alike, but this one plays it serious. So why go for the comic ending? Wouldn't Twilight understand why things turned out the way they did and feel sympathetic toward them? I also have to winder that if this spell exists and is that well known, why hasn't anyone tried it before, particularly Celestia or Luna.

Final Resting Place
What I liked: Nice, touching end-of-life piece about Daring Do. It was sweet to see her with her friend and genuinely happy about a life well lived.
What I didn't: There's only a shallow meaning here, and there's no conflict. Does this resolve some animosity she had with him or the society? Or something else? Does it relieve some fear she had about being forgotten when she was gone? It'd mean more if it weren't just an anecdote.

Once Upon a Time in Appleloosa
What I liked: Classic Western setup, executed pretty much as I could see it in a movie.
What I didn't: There's something incongruous about seeing spellings like "labour" in Braeburn's limited narration, but at least he doesn't speak in Britishisms. A few editing problems. These two are apparently well acquainted, but without knowing the nature of their relationship, I can't assign any significance to them meeting up this way. So there's no context for their conflict, and without a resolution, there's no payoff.

Well, since everyone else is doing it, my thoughts on my own story.

The Shortest Possible Distance
I'm actually surprised I got 9th, as I wasn't really that happy with my final result. The original draft was closer to 1500 words, and a LOT was lost in the trimming. Unfortunately, I didn't save that original draft, so now I'm in for a rewrite if I want to post to fimfic.

For the most part, the criticisms people listed are exactly the ones I had myself. The maze setting is visually complex, and action oriented, neither of which lend themselves well to low word counts. Turning ponies to stone for a "test" is overly cruel. Partly that was intentional (I wanted it to be harsh) and part was narrative shortcut. Describing a more complex-but-gentler penalty would take more words. The unfairness of the test... that it's highly based on luck... that's true as well. It was intentional... The idea was that it was teaching a lesson about learning from the mistakes of others, but that is in no way made clear in the story, and should have been abandoned when not explained.

I did shoehorn in the "Famous Last Words!" line, and that was a big kludge. What I wanted to show for the concept, was that the standard phrase "the shortest possible distance between two points is a straight line" is simply wrong if you think outside the box. My brain panicked though, and that it wasn't clear enough unless Twilight shouted something. It should have been something more clever though. Likewise, the teleportation needed more explanation (which there just wasn't room for) to justify.

Lastly, I am still proud of the basic concept, as well as the ending bit. That is, Twilight's burst of braggadocio, and near-immediate freakout when her need for perfectionism requires correcting from "zero" to "Planck length." Oh and, "overly-enthusiastic lingonberries."

If/when I do a rewrite, I imagine this will be more like 2500 words, and may be set in a different context entirely. Still though, 9th out of 51? Wow, especially considering the likes of who was ahead of me, I'm quite pleased. Just really wish I'd known you could submit multiple stories, then I wouldn't have spent all my time trying to trim this down so precisely, and maybe come up with something better. Oh well, next time!

3570760
Minific contests used to have 72 hours like normal contests. I'm not sure why the change was, especially given that people are still writing five entries. (Which, y'know, not to brag, but I totally could have done if I, y'know, wanted to. :V) But learning how to do a lot with a little time is the hallmark of writeoff participation. That's why I only ever compare quality of writing to "Could I have edited this out in time myself?" And some things I could have, and some I couldn't, and that's okay.

3570992
I didn't really mention it, because I think I was taking it for granted, but I feel like I got all, or at least most of that out of Spring Cleaning. It all just made sense to me.

3571078
The thing about that is it would suggest Scoot has gotten used to what's happened. I suppose I could have more come in, have her cognizant of the number of parents increasing, but still unable to do anything about, and certainly unable to handle it. That's a good idea, I think, thank you. :D

3571153
Ponies have toes, actually. :B Also, I had no idea you hadn't written any fics before! :O

3571155
You're not the first to mention it, so I wanted to address Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom's role in Rumors.

At first, Apple Bloom's straight-up defending Scootaloo. She doesn't appreciate the others digging into her personal life, and she doesn't appreciate the rumors they're spreading. Sweetie is caught up in the gossip because she's Rarity's little sister (and a little dumb), and that's meant to be funny. Then Scootaloo shows up and Apple Bloom flip-flops because, let's face it, she's a kid, she doesn't know the answer either, and all that gossip has made her curious as all get-out. Sweetie is thus thoroughly miffed at Apple Bloom displaying the very behavior she was just berating Sweetie for not moments earlier. It's meant to be a humorous inversion; I could definitely stand to show Apple Bloom's anxiety ratcheting up during the lead-up scene, though.

3571153
It was one of my favorite stories in the contest.

Honestly, the title of the piece was a good one (well, in my eyes), because it allowed you to get the line in and put it in people's heads without having to shove it in somewhere else in the story. I wouldn't have gotten the joke if it wasn't for the title, so I'd leave it personally.

As for the Cadance line... honestly I liked that line, but maybe that was just me. Could perhaps be made better, though. Or possibly, if you're thinking about revising the ending, you could just have Cadance come in tight lipped and slam the newspaper down in front of him or something. I dunno.

It is perhaps true that the punchline is a little forced, but... well, it made me laugh out loud, so I'm not sure that I'd really want to change it.

I also disagree with the idea that it was too short; I think it was the perfect length for what it was. Lengthening it would NOT make it better; you set up for the ending beautifully.

Then again, I really liked the story, so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.

3571009

Making the total score for participation never less than zero might work.

Total score is zero so that you can't get high score by entering every contest and finishing in the middle.

3570992

Essentially, Titanium Dragon and Bad Horse figured out what was going on.

Only TD figured it out. I missed it until I saw his review.

3571310
Makes sense, though on the other hand, don't we want to encourage people to enter every contest? Or is the goal for people to only enter if they are serious about writing something excellent?

Also, if you just cut it off - so your total score from any given contest couldn't be less than 0 - finishing in the middle would be an awfully slow way to accumulate points.

Though of course, all this is dependent on the idea that anyone actually cares about score for any reason other than bragging rights, which I'm not sure is true.

3571155

Haven't pants appeared in canon? Maybe not.

Since I already did some research, pants appear in the first season premiere if you count full body flight suits (the shadowbolts); Spike himself wear some kind of jumpsuit in It's About Time. Otherwise, we have seen fancy glitzy pants (Fluttershy in Green Isn't Your Color), a Gi (Rainbow Dash and Apple Bloom in Call of the Cutie), jeans pants (Rarity and Apple Bloom in Simple Ways), a full tuxedo (same episode), military style pants (Testing Testing 1, 2, 3), rapper clothes (same episode), clown clothes, and mariachi band uniforms (multiple episodes each) at least.

3571321
But based on the first piece of info, you got the rest.

3571310
3571322
Exactly why I said that knowing the objective of the scoreboard is essential in order to provide good suggestions. A system meant to incentive people to write is very different from a system meant to provide as fair as possible an assessment of writer consistency and quality.

Just as a very simple example, writers slowly accumulating points by mere participation is a problem if the intent is to assess writer consistency and quality, but it's actually desirable if the intent is to get more people to write.

3571155

The story's really about Scorpan's experiences, yet the emotions focus on everyone else. We see little from him.

I'm hitting myself hard enough to leave bruises now. That's the last straw, now I have to go and publish my original draft.

3571324

Haven't we also seen disco pants and overalls?

3570013

Furthermore, I must admit I'm slightly disappointed by how critical some people seem to be of a story and its connection to the prompt. I'm not saying my score should've been higher (I'm surprised it isn't lower actually), but I really don't think some ulterior aspect should get in the way of the actual story at hand. Or maybe that's just me. I know I commented before (page 2?) on the topic. I seriously doubt anyone would submit a story to any contest if it wasn't somehow related to the prompt.

Well... kinda, though. A number of people openly admit that when the prompt comes up, they'll look through their little black book of fic ideas and see if any ideas match the prompt. I won't say that's necessarily bad (especially since it would be hard to police against this) but it's somewhat against the spirit of the event. With the prompt being announced right at the start, the intent is that you have only the time limit to create the fic from initial brainstorming all the way to final polish. Partially brainstormed/outlined give an edge, and a fully-prewritten fic would be a completely unfair edge. So, the "prompt relevance penalty" usually comes about as an attempt to dissuade people from, as a hyperbolic example, taking a pre-written, irrelevant fic and shoehorning it into the prompt at the last second. The prompt, just like the time limit, are factors intended to knock the writers outside of their comfort zone, therefore people want to feel like they're on similar footing.

3570112
Flicking eyebrows... Did you consider "jerked her head" or "pointed her muzzle"? You could even through a "barely perceivable" on there if desired. I recognize that you could convey this expression with just the eyes/eyebrows while keeping the head stationary, but bugger me if I can describe that clearly and succinctly.

3570760
For 24hr contests, I think the writers, when voting, would be particularly mindful of the limitations inflicted by that time limit, having just personally experienced them. Pretty much every fic is granted a grammar error here and a plothole there. EQD-level isn't necessarily expected here; it's a matter of how well you perform under these restrictions. In 24hr, can you get a fic onto paper? Can you also clean up all the grammar? Fix the plotholes? Perfect the emotional punch of that last line, still in the time limit? You're right that it's training different muscles, like distance sprinting vs marathon running, but if you acknowledge that they're different-yet-related, they both still help you grow as an athlete / as a writer. Plus, that's why we (try to) mix up the contest with 24hr, 72hr, and the occasional 1wk time limits, because they all test different "sets of muscles". Having a week to sculpt and perfect, is very different than farting out in 24hr, but they each challenge you in different ways.

3571081
Spring Cleaning was my top pick. *ponyshrug* Though like was mentioned elsewhere, 37 writers is a lot of new blood. Not so much "this shifts the tastes of the group" and moreso "there is a diverse collection of tastes here, and widespread appeal is more difficult." All the more reason that the score is much less valuable than the comments, so another big thanks to all the reviewers.

3571183

Sweetie is caught up in the gossip because she's Rarity's little sister (and a little dumb), and that's meant to be funny.

3571368
There's a good chance those were included in what I called rapper clothes and jeans pants; I'm not exactly knowledgeable about clothing, and know even less about what they are called in English. Also, those were just the ones I got from the top of my mind, so there are likely other examples.

3571155

25 Famous Last Words
What I liked: Dash's characterization was nice, particularly where she felt like being the one to take charge of the situation personally. Not that she wouldn't ever, but she's not usually the take-charge type, and I liked seeing her do that in a believable way.
What I didn't: Constant use of character actions masquerading as speech tags. Pinkie's a little too random (Thomas Jefferson? She'd even know who/what that is?), and the perspective is jumpy, shich shouldn't be hard to keep under control in a work this short. Needs editing help. It didn't come to any sort of point.

Honestly think I only picked RD because I needed to have a flying scene for the "Hit the water" quote. Pinkie is literally only there to say "Thomas Jefferson", that was the sole purpose that I put her into the story. Sadly there really wasn't a point for it to come to. It was hard enough making a semi-coherent story, much less have any type of meaning out of it. One reviewer even pointed out that "Discord, get out" is not a good ending joke, and that's because it was this “I am perplexed. Satan, get out!” with Discord replacing Satan.

Next Step
What I liked: Funny setup, and I enjoyed seeing these characters argue of a classic "fine mess." There's an actual story here. It's good to see a conflict presented and resolved.
What I didn't: The opening exposition was handled a bit clumsily. Some editing issues. It would have been nice to know exactly how the fire happened.

I wish I could blame the word limit, but I think the first paragraph was the least edited part of the entire story when I was cutting for length. I hinted at what caused the fire, military munitions, but felt that any words used to describe it would use up my precious word count and would take away from the story, so left it up to reader's imagination. Maybe it was the candy factory. In hindsight I should have focused more on character interaction and development, but in all honesty I just really wanted to make a YOLO joke.

So... Rain. I wrote it.

It wasn't the best thing I've written and it was done in two hours with minimal editing. Anyway, here are my thoughts/comments on my writing process.

The title doesn't really mean anything, I couldn't think of a good title and simply named it as such because it was raining in the story itself.

The basic idea was that Celestia and Luna were doing a commentary on Blueblood's "last words" (while rudely talking during an eulogy ), so some of that telly-ness was deliberate. The story wasn't supposed to garner sympathy for Blueblood but some of that did seep in through the writing. The story was also deliberately written to utilize the 750 words, whether it works or not seems to be divided in terms of reviews.

But the reviews are unanimous in one thing: I still can't write exposition to save my life. But nothing that can't be fixed with some good editing, I guess.

The Not!Celestia and Not!Luna's voice were probably due to the telly nature of their dialogues and my interpretation of their voices, which differs from the general consensus... I think.

Also, I'm curious about the grammar... my word document isn't showing any green squiggles, so I'm guessing they're more grammatically awkward than actual grammar errors?

As for that last word... *mutters* Bad Horse's comments are putting me in an awkward position... I actually couldn't decide whether I wanted to be "funny" or "sad". I wanted "sad" because that was the overall tone of the entry but whatever Blueblood says would be something either inappropriate and/or funny... This is because Blueblood wasn't that kind of guy who would say "We will not be food!" and be all heroic but I wanted to at least show a little of his change in character (and a promise to his wife to be a "better pony"), so what you guys read was the end result. Somewhat awkwardly comedic and yet heroic at the same time.

Also, the original "cause of death" for Blueblood was him dying while he saved the crew of a space station and spewing something heroic. Which I quickly abandoned because 1) it doesn't fit the time period and 2) I didn't have enough time or words to set them up or handwave the problems.

3565910
Actually, yours was one of the milder ones. =x

Everyone's giving their post-game thoughts. I wanna do it too! But I don't have anything to say. At least nothing here, anyway. I did have a long diatribe about the nature of comedy and tragedy over in Horizon's review post, if anyone is interested in that: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/367404/reviews-august-minific-writeoff#comment/2399480 Other than that, I guess I'll just say, "Good game, everyone! Let's do it again some time! I'll try to not fuck it up again!"

Oh, I could also mention something else, but it wouldn't really mean anything to anyone and no one would care. Ah well, I'll do it anyway. A day or two after the submission window ended, I realized that I actually had an idea I'd already been throwing around (I wrote out the prologue months ago and have done some general brainstorming, but that's it) that could have worked really well if I'd thought of it and could have figured out how to trim it down to a measly 750 words. You'd think it would have come to be sooner, considering the subtitle is "The Last Word". Basically, upon his defeat at the hooves of the elements, some evil overlord type guy, as one last "screw you" expends all of his remaining energy to break a part of the underlying harmony of the world itself. That break makes it so the different races and tribes of the world can no longer understand each other. A pegasus can still understand another pegasus, but not a unicorn or a griffon. It's the bad guy trying to get the figurative and literal "last word". A full size story would be about the implications for a world of beings that can no longer understand each other, but for a minific, I think it just would have been the actual act and realization. A very different take on the concept of "famous last words".

After having written 14,000 words about other peoples' stories, I don't feel guilty about joining the post-judging crowd and spending a few to talk about mine. There are some interesting stories behind 'em, anyhow.

Daring Do and the Curse of Ahuizotl
(Now on FIMFic in expanded form!)

Curse is, at heart, a noble failure. I was trying to do something specific with the story, and I didn't; but I ended up with something that worked in a different way.

As I told 3571095 in my review of Final Resting Place: "I think you accomplished here something that I tried and failed to do with one of my entries, and I'll talk about that more after judging finishes." That something was to write a complete story that worked, structurally, without conflict.

The week before the writeoff, I stumbled across an intriguing article on "kishotenketsu" — a Chinese/Japanese storytelling form which divides the story into four parts. Parts 1+2 set up a premise; Part 3 offers a twist to something apparently unrelated; and Part 4 unites the two to conclude the story. Kinda similar to the "Thesis / Antithesis / Synthesis" of Hegelian dialectic, if (like me) you have a permanent literary hard-on for overthinking things. When I read this, I said, "I'm not eligible for the cash prize anyway, so I want to write a story with a non-traditional form, just to see whether it flies over everyone's heads." Yes, that's right: the dude who 'd at 3570671 for poop jokes set out to literarily troll the competition. In my defense, it's totally not hypocrisy when I do it.

You can still see the kishotenketsu roots in the four-act structure of Curse: introduce Daring, kill Ahuizotl, cut away from the scene completely, and then return, melding in the new information from the twist to recontextualize her encounter. But somewhere along the way, it turned into a very traditional horror story with a protagonist choice, and a climax that follows from that choice — it fell back into the Western pit of conflict-based storytelling. I don't think that was a wrong decision; given that it made Chris' Top 3 and came within spitting distance of the competition Top 10, clearly it hit when it connected. I'm grateful to Chris for taking point on explaining the premise, and equally grateful to the critiques of the folks (especially Bad Horse) who didn't see it; their structural dissection helped a great deal as I expanded it out to 1000+ words for FIMFic.

So what did Final Resting Place do that I didn't? Possibly without even meaning to, Solitair wrote something almost identical to a kishotenketsu. 1: Daring Do is old. 2: Her mortality is staring her in the face. 3: There's a lavish ancient tomb in the graveyard. 4: It's hers. The "twist" doesn't make a clean break from the first two acts the way that a proper kishotenketsu does, but the story still derives narrative interest and tension without putting characters in conflict. It is, I would argue, a complete story, with a beginning, middle, and an end, that breaks all of the Western writing-school rules.

And it won.

We may all consider ourselves literarily trolled now. HoofBitingActionOverload, if you'll forgive me for that, I will retroactively recognize Tit Wank as a legitimate pony name.

Anyway, I'm really heartened to see that various reviews of my story pointed out the research and the callouts. There was a little bit of Nietzsche's abyss and a bunch of Campbell(/Star Wars), and the use of Tlaloc was indeed deliberate. I'm going to pretend I consciously intended the ahuizotl-dragging-her-into-the-water-(temple) parallel, because that's brilliant and given that I did research ahuizotls before starting to write, it would make sense that my subconscious was beating me over the head with it. Nobody mentioned, however, that "Howard Carthorse" was based on the expedition leader who allegedly unleashed the curse of the pharoahs. Gods, I'm such a sucker for adding in little easter eggs like that.

Eponalepsis

After finishing Curse, I figured I'd try to break narrative expectations in a different way entirely. I spent a while brainstorming different ways I could use "Famous Last Words," and somewhere along the line, made a little side expedition into the phrase "The king is dead; long live the king"; upon discovering that the name for the figure of speech seen in that phrase's first-last repetition is "epanalepsis", and with a subtle one-letter change I could have the horse pun of the ages, my muse grabbed me by the throat and refused to let go.

The fact that a literal translation gives you "seizing horse godhood", as 3569207 pointed out, is a happy and unintended coincidence. The fact that this was written a month after "Elpis", and made the story seem derivative, was equally unintended and far less happy. On the surface, both have pretentious E titles and Celestia after the end of history, but they're different enough stories that the comparison didn't even cross my mind when I was writing it.

What's there to say about the story? I tried to bake in that theme of endings reflecting beginnings on multiple levels; the pretentiousness of the text (which seems to have been its most divisive aspect — I know it scored at least two 9s, but it struggled for the middle of the pack) was a direct result of me trying to evoke a foreign grammatical structure through epanaleptic repetition. The last words borrow explicitly from Judeo-Christian origin myth, and (as suggested in my fake review) the story borrows more broadly from that structure. If you're trying to write an epic in 750 words, might as well evoke the heaviest allusions you can.

Unfortunately, the deadline nailed me; I had to finish slapping it together at literally the last minute. I posted it with 90 seconds to go. When TD caught my last-line grammar error, I literally facepalmed with shame — as a former newspaper editor I'm used to writing clean copy on tight deadlines, but the pressure cooker gets everyone. With another few hours, I think I could have brought this closer to Curse's quality level.

3571688
After looking at that article and reading the Wiki article, I have to say that it, and its reverse, are hardly unknown in the West. In fact, it is quite common.

The Sixth Sense is fundamentally an inversion of the Kishotenketsu form - you have the opening scene where the protagonist is attacked by his patient, then we have this whole other plot with the psychiatrist whose marriage is disintegrating and this kid who sees ghosts, and then the ending ties it all together when we realize that the protagonist of the movie had died in the opening scene and had been dead throughout the entire movie, and thus only the kid can see him.

Ultimately, it is just a variation on the basic form:

1) Introduce one idea.
2) Introduce a second idea.
3) Bring the two ideas together.

Which is far from unknown and is a very common thing to do. Heck, the generic "working the same case" plot is fundamentally this; you've got two disparate crimes, and then somewhere in the story you discover that the two crimes are, in fact, related and that our two detectives need to work together to complete their objective. Indeed, it is so common that Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang made fun of it.

Off the top of my head, Just Words uses this structure.

I have to admit that the linked-to blog post bothered me, because the guy was pretending to be wise and talking about some Eastern thing without actually understanding what he was talking about. The entire point of the tenku is to create a conflict between the parts of the story, which you then resolve in the conclusion.

3571155

One Day in the Crystal Library

What I liked: Good characterization. Their interactions felt authentic. Early on, anyway.
What I didn't: The perspective shifts were off-putting. Ah, a trollfic. It executes the trolling better than the others I've suspected of doing such here, but it' still not the uproariously funny thing that really jusifies a good troll.

This is exactly what I was talking about when I said the story is different things to different people. It was not at all intended to be a trollfic. I suppose that means I succeeded even more in that respect by managing to troll myself.

3571372
I am one of the people with the little black books. It sure didn't help me this time. :V

Also, Sweetie's dumbitude is part of what makes her so great.

3571688
I hate the existence of kishotenketsu, because it turns every argument centered around "conflict is plot" into Western-centric arrogance at best and colonialistic cultural erasure at worst. :( That said, I don't think you can really write it for a Western audience, and certainly not one steeped in Western literary craft, because it's just not going to work for them. Though I applaud you for trying.

3571688
Daring Do and the Curse of Ahuizotl
The main reason I thought of Star Wars is because the plot of this fic is the generic "Luke falls to the Dark Side" plot. In fact, I'm fairly sure I have read something nearly identical, just with light sabers, before (which was nearly guaranteed, given that I have read hundreds of Star Wars stories). Of course, execution here is everything, turning something I was already tired of seeing into something very worth reading, even if it delves into a direction I tend to dislike.

Eponalepsis
A little exercise: read this fic removing the pony names, using just the titles the story already gives. Does it still feel like a pony fic? For me, apart from the names and a spurious hoof reference, it read more like a generic god succession fic than a pony fic; in fact, when I reached beating of breasts, I had to stop and chant a modified MST3K mantra to refocus before continuing.

This is the main reason it scored low with me; it failed my pony test. In my eyes, even Once Upon a Time in Appleloosa — which also failed my pony test — felt more pony.

(And yes, I have read enough god succession stories to have a mental image of what a generic one would look like )

One thing I'm getting out of reading all these comments is that people actually took a long time to craft these. Bad Horse spent 7 hours on his. I spent probably a little over an hour on each of mine. I guess I need to stop comparing myself to prolific writers like SS&E and BronyWriter and Rainbow Bob etc.

So, like I’ve said, The Darkfire Phoenix was the first serious story I have written after almost a year of complete writer’s block, so I’m actually a bit surprised that I managed to place so high in the competition. I got the original inspiration for a story about Spitfire fighting a phoenix while voting for the contest prompts a day before the winning prompt was announced. I liked the prompt “fight fire with fire” and the idea wouldn’t leave me, and I was lucky enough that the resultant story could be adapted to “famous last words.”

Unfortunately, what I failed to account for in my imaginative revelry was that I would never be able to fit the story as I envisioned it into 750 words. I agree with most of the reviewers: This was a story meant for at least a few thousand words, with plenty more time to explore the characters and setting. I basically had to cut out most of the ideas in order to just fit enough set-up and the climax. In retrospect, this is probably reason number one for all the misunderstandings and shortcomings in the story. So, before I try to rewrite it in longform (and I hope I will do just that and publish it), I’ll try my best to explain the story how I saw it originally.
The story is told by the unnamed narrator to a fellow prisoner. He describes first his mentor, then the titular darkfire phoenix and how it killed off the Wonderbolts, and then narrates how they found and killed said infamous phoenix. The climactic reveal is that his mentor was Spitfire herself, who left the public eye after her team was killed and turned to hunting phoenixes instead, and finally found her revenge. I’m pointing out the timeline because some reviewers had troubles following it or were confused by the order of events.

Originally the story was to be told in third person and the narrator was a side character acting as a Watson-like companion to Spitfire. His exact identity wasn’t all that important, and his defining feature was the respect he got for Spitfire and the old Wonderbolts after the events of the story. This did not translate all that well into an account from his perspective, but there was one very important and specific reason why I chose his point of view: it shortened the wordcount considerably. I’ll probably return to third person for the rewrite, as that will allow for a more dramatic telling. Like quite a few people mentioned, I really missed a great opportunity to give the narrator a unique voice. My bad.

TD mentioned that the Wonderbolts were recast as monster hunters, but this isn’t exactly the case. The Wonderbolts aren’t specifically monster hunters; they confront the darkfire phoenix in the same way and for the same reason that they were sent against Spike in “Secret of my Excess.” In the context of the story, the Wonderbolts are stunt fliers who happen to be called upon in emergencies. It also provided a convenient way to give Spitfire a reason for vengeance. What Spitfire and the narrator are doing is something else entirely.

The important thing that everyone missed, and which I should have definitely fixed in the first draft, is the reason for the narrator’s imprisonment, as it actually provides an important clue to the rest of the story. The narrator is imprisoned for poaching—despite the tragedy that befell the Wonderbolts, ordinary phoenixes are a rare and benevolent species, and killing them in order to sell their petrified remains to alchemists is illegal. Spitfire and the narrator were criminals, hence why he referred to her “being in the business for years.” The narrator did this for money; that’s why he was the one to add the comment on the price for a dead phoenix to what Spitfire told him about hunting—such matters were secondary to her. Spitfire unleashed her hatred for the darkfire phoenix on the birds she hunted, perhaps justifying it by telling herself that she would find the monster that killed her comrades. (The disappearance of the darkfire phoenix was also supposed to be expanded and explained, but again, had to be cut.)

Despite all the action present, this was first and foremost about Spitfire’s character and how her quest for vengeance related to the nature of the evil phoenix. An important thing that was missing from the initial description of the darkfire phoenix was a special emphasis on the “inner fire” inside every phoenix. (There was also a sweet, cockatrice-esque explanation for its origin that I had to cut.) It’s mentioned that the darkfire phoenix has a fire inside that hates everything that can burn, the implication being that the “inner fire” is a metaphysical concept that nonetheless shares properties with ordinary fire, like temperature. And it is exactly the monster’s blind hatred that makes this fire so “hot.”

This is important because the phoenix can be killed by a hotter fire—and the fire javelins were specifically mentioned as not being hot enough. Hence, it wasn’t the weapon that killed the monster when Spitfire clashed with it. She only took the javelin for the same reason that a knight destined to kill a dragon no matter what still wouldn’t fight it with his bare hands. What killed the phoenix was the hotter fire inside Spitfire—her hatred and desire for revenge. What this means is that her vengeance cost her not only her life, but also the years she spent hunting phoenixes in a blind rage, becoming herself a fiery and hateful being much like the Darkfire Phoenix. Because of her questionable methods, the ultimate theme of the story is part heroic sacrifice, part cautionary tale about the dangers of vengeance.

Chris noted that he couldn’t reconcile Phoenix slaughter for profit, but there were quite a few instances of ponies in the show doing equally evil (though perhaps less murderous) acts in the show. The point here is, Spitfire was meant to be seen as malicious, or at least having a dark intent. Did the story miss its mark in that regard? Probably. Spitfire’s a bit too heroic, and a lot of important details are missing. That’s why it needs a longer rewrite.

The traps were lame, and I agree. I didn’t really give too much thought to them because I had to worry more about the wordcount, and their sole purpose was in building tension anyways. I’ll think of something better for the rewrite.

A few people pointed out that the narrator told the story despite not getting paid, and I don’t actually have a proper answer for that. He didn’t lie, so I guess that he just got sentimental and spilled the beans anyways?

Also, I’ve been told that “method number twenty-five” was an awful, cheesy reference to my own name, but I wanted to give a hint to my identity for those familiar with me. Did anyone get that?

Well, I hope that answered any questions that were brought up. Again, thanks to everyone who reviewed and commented on my stories! I’ll be posting my own reviews later.

3572457

Also, I’ve been told that “method number twenty-five” was an awful, cheesy reference to my own name, but I wanted to give a hint to my identity for those familiar with me. Did anyone get that?

Obvious clue in hindsight, but at the time of reading, "number twenty-five" makes me think of something different.

Thanks for the more detailed explanation. A lot of this makes more sense, and I think the expanded version will work out really well. One question though, re: the poaching. So if I understand correctly, Spitfire and Narrator were in the business for years. The darkfire phoenix shows up, kills some of Spitfire's friends, and generally goes about Equestria causing death and destruction. Spitfire goes on a quest for vengeance, while Narrator joins partly from admiring Spitfire as a mentor, partly for the bling cash money. They defeat the darkfire phoenix, yes because "she had a hotter fire", but the fact that they were experienced poachers was also an undeniable factor in their success. The wounded Narrator was promptly captured and sentenced for his prior crimes. So if I understand all that correctly, and if the darkfire phoenix was really such a huge danger to Equestria, wouldn't Narrator and Spitfire defeating it and saving Equestria go at least part of the way toward a royal pardon?