HaS: Old Guard Lore (incomplete) - Humans are Superior

EdBoii #1 · Mar 21st, 2015 · 14 · ·

Alright, I'm just going to do this before going further into my (as Zephyr so gallantly put it) "demented fantasy land".

BEHOLD! THE SHITTY EQUIVALENT OF 40K's PRIMARCHS IN HaS!
(I made this all up. Some bits more than others.)
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The Lord Commissar and the Governors of HaS:

Alexer: The Lord Founder of HaS. Prone to bouts of instability, he remains the glorious leader of HaS, and harbors a tremendous hatred of certain unions forged in Hell that should not, and will not, be mentioned, lest he resurrects and slaughters us all. He is currently dead, but it is well known that he watches over us all with both contempt and amusement from within the spirit realm where he dwells.

Within HaS, his Abiogenetic Sons (the resurrecting warriors that spawned upon the ascension of each member of HaS into the Old Guard) still await his return to his throne, and they zealously guard the resting place of his now decayed body. Stout and stubborn, these creatures, half-man and half-specter, will endlessly wait for the return of their Lord Commissar Alexer, and refuse to depart from his tomb but to deal with the greatest of threats.

Classy: The Lord of Rage. The Classy General, as he was formerly known before he single-handedly faced the hordes of Misanthropos and was transformed from an understanding and diplomatic man into a seething, hateful being that seeks nothing more than to rip fools into shreds, is one of HaS' grandiose ruling caste. He resides within his own private fiefdom, far to the east of HaS, in the lands that are first touched by the rising sun.

Classy General's Abiogenetic Sons do not, however, serve him directly. He fights his battles alone and aided by nothing but his own fury and implacable disdain for all things misanthropic. His warriors fight independently as well, sometimes forming warbands that raid and harass or outright assault the lands of Misanthropos. However, it is not unknown for Classy to share his wisdom and counsel with his sons when they seek him. It is also known of him to have fought alongside his Abiogenetic children at times in the past.

Dropbear: A terrifying creature born from the Death World of Straya, Dropbear, as he insists on being called, is truly a beast of uncontrollable nature that wishes for nothing more than the blood of his foes to lay upon his claws. Woe to him who dismisses him as cuddly and adorable. For he is much more, and the decaying corpses of a billion foes can silently vouch for it from beneath the eucalyptus jungles where he and his children reside. Waiting.

Travel not the jungles of his realm, for you shall know nothing but despair and horror.

Still, Dropbear holds one ally among all his prey. Mother Empress, with whom he shares bonds of friendship, can occasionally suggest courses of action to him and his Hell's Marsupials to follow. Pain and misery await those to whom he marches against.

John Hood: Formal, silent, and constantly annoyed by the assorted idiocy he witnesses daily. A lesser man would have been broken by the sheer amounts of moronic behavior and stupidity John Hood battles on a daily basis. Still, a lesser man would not wear such a fine doublet under an impossibly relucent cuirass. John Hood has set it upon himself to make certain none of the members of HaS, be they Old Guard or not, fall into the wicked clutches of overly moronic behavior (for the battle against total mental degeneration was lost long ago, in his eyes), and to keep the world as safe as he can from the conspiracies of his most hated nemesis, the greedy and manipulative Kyle Goldstein.

His sons formed an elite guard unit modeled after the Vatican's Swiss Guard, but much better looking. These men are also cultured beyond the comprehensible boundaries of the common peasant to the point that a single dozen of them can devour the entirety of a public library's reading material, write an analysis on what they wrote, and then propose possible improvements, all in the space of five hours.

The word Kyle sends them all into Classy/2 levels of rage. See Tux for more information. This Guard took part in the Dark Seduction.

Terran: True comrade of people's revolution! Terran and his Red Comrades (not to be confused with Redshirt's Red Guard, comrade!) are true sons of communist party and take fight to all enemies of mankind and bring only greatest economic system that offers equality to all! Embodies firm and honest beliefs of great communist party! For Mother HaS!

Tux: Alongside Hood, Tux is the one member of them all that battles the constant idiocy of the world wherever it may appear, whatever its form or strength. He and his Triassic Guard (the earliest in a series of genetically enhanced Dinosauria Legionarius Tux has planned for his armies) constantly scourge the world alongside Hood's forces in search of the elusive seeds of moronic thought and expression, so that they may stamp it out before it flourishes into a source of idiocy that would spread its spores across the world. This Guard took part in the Dark Seduction.

The Rank and File of the Old Guard:

Boss: A dark, mysterious, and aggressive man with a knack for the authoritative and control of people. Upon his ascension, his newly born sons were organized into the Böse Soldaten forces that would conform his personal guard and armed forces within HaS. Also a loyal servant of Mother Empress. For more information see: Pat.

Elusive Aviator: A distant, yet rebellious son of Mother Empress that has decided to travel his own path against his mother's wishes. Still, he loves her dearly, but will still defy her at almost every opportunity, for reasons only he knows. Having made himself a fortress in a valley surrounded by mountains, he has fortified himself within it and built a massive airport for his airships, aeroplanes, and flying machines of war of his own design. His sons, the Undying Falcons, came to him from the heavens alight in flaming light to swear themselves to his rule. With their aid, he has constructed an empire in the skies for himself.

Forida: [Further Information Needed]

Paddle Steamer: One of the few commanders of HaS fleets there are, the other having been Iron Galley, but for a short period of time before Paddle Steamer destroyed or routed most of his ships in the Battle of Leprechaun. Paddle Steamer's sons were not born alone but on great war vessels that floated into being from the depths of the dark oceans surrounding HaS. Paddle Steamer boarded his own great vessel and took command of a massive fleet. His sons, the Lords of Steam and Steel, and him sail the coasts of HaS in search of misanthropy and a certain cello-playing alien he is fond of. Extremely fond of. His sons have learned not to inquire too deeply into their father's purposes lest they learn things no living man should know of. For more information see: Iron Galley.

Redshirt: Lord Redshirt, leader of the Red Guards (not to be confused with Terran's Red Comrades), is an idealistic, optimistic, curious, and INTJ kind of guy who is constantly trying to make life better for everyone just as much as he tries to keep his fellow Guards from causing too much pain. A loyal servant of Mother Empress, he was, ironically, part of the Dark Seduction. as one of the Traitor Guards who aided the then traitorous Colonel Iron Galley in his attempt to destroy HaS. For more information see: Pat.

_theseal: A ferocious Space Seal of death and destruction. Thought to be a Daemon, he was confronted by Lord Commissar Alexer once, but his battle cry stunned the Commissar into silence. Alexer barely escaped with his life. _theseal constantly changes its identity to keep itself safe from the constant persecution of Space Seal Clubbers that constantly try to invite him to several night clubs around the world. This is something _theseal has no time for, as he must deal with matters of great importance. Good thing he's a sealous guy.

Kelly: Saint Kelly is one of the Guards that took part in the Dark Seduction. yet remained loyal and managed to single-handedly defeat Colonel Iron Galley in a duel. His sons, Kelly's Saints, are conformed of highly technologically-savvy warriors that specialize in the manufacturing of massive war-machines and artillery pieces, much to Kelly's chagrin, as he sincerely hoped to be able to lead glorious charges against his foes. Still, this does not deter him, and he has been known to lead entire artillery divisions into the fray with him at the front and his children desperately pleading with him to keep them at a distance. He was awarded the honorable title of 'Crusader Hero of HaS' for his role in the Dark Seduction.

Grey: A loyal servant of Mother Empress, Lord Grey was also involved in the Dark Seduction. as one of the Traitor Guards. However, he and his Grey Knights had been invaluable to HaS over the course of the years, as he's led countless crusades against the enemies of HaS and Mother Empress alike. Ironically, once more, he's also served under Iron Galley in matters removed from HaS, and he once formed his own rebel empire in secession from Mother Empress' Domain, which resulted in Iron Galley serving under his rule for a brief while.

His Grey Knights were bestowed upon him as he ascended into the Old Guard by a means unknown but to a few. It is rumored that they marched out from the depths of an active volcano, naked and covered in magma, until Grey himself bestowed upon them the armor they now wear, crafted by his own hand.

WarKing: [Further Information Needed]

Pat: Mother Empress, Great Artist of HaS, Lady Witch and Savant in the ancient and unholy arts of MSP... these are but a few titles bestowed upon She of Many Names, more commonly known by her beloved subjects as Pat. She rules over her own empire, known as the Domain, and many members of HaS are her loyal servants and would gladly die for her, while others alternate between being willing to die for her and trying to kill her (see: Iron Galley). Mother Empress' Domain has extended into HaS minimally despite all this, as the great lords of HaS refuse to allow her power to grow much stronger than it already is. Mother Empress doesn't mind, since she knows all efforts are pathetic and sooner or later the hordes of her crazed minions will swarm over the walls of HaS and build a palace of blood and fire for her to sit upon. There, she will proceed to draw in the unholy rites of MSP the scenes of blood that shall unfold before her!

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Patlestia R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Ahem. Her sons are all living beings that accept her rule, but her Abiogenetic Sons, the Domainians, are her undying guards within HaS. They are specialized in whichever way she wishes and carry out any task she desires. Their flexibility (tee-hee) in combat is matched only by their fanatical devotion to her and whatever she deems worthy of devotion. Some of her minions and loyal servants include everyone who was redirected to her.

Banchoking: Absolutely Fabulous! Lord Banchoking has been unanimously voted as the prettiest Old Guard in existence seven years in a row by all other members. His Sons of Venus are the best-dressed and best-looking warriors in all of HaS, to the point that even John Hood's men look shabby when compared. Many a maiden dreams and acts unseemly behind closed doors at the thought of Lord Banchoking and his Sons of Venus being out there, somewhere, staring at the setting sun as a warm wind flows through their long, well-maintained hair and a delicate smile full of passion forms on their lips...

Ranger: Lord Ranger, Master of Shadows, is well-known as mysterious, silent, and never-seen-until-it's-too-late. His Silent Rangers tread the land of HaS in perfect silence. They are separated into small bands of brothers that scout and ambush the fiends of Misanthropos whenever the foul creatures attempt to enter HaS to do their evil deeds.

Chrome: He originally joined our ranks seeking to cleanse himself of his past misanthropic deeds. Once that was achieved, he became a master medic, mending everything from boo-boos to split-open skulls.

Not much else is known about him, other than the fact that he has strong ties to Red and a deep grudge against Kelly. He may appear crazy to an outsider, but as long as you pay your respects to humanity and stay away from his wife and daughter, then he considers you a friend.

Faustin: Sir Faustin. A gentleman and a scholar. Well-dressed, educated, and always has a dapper hat atop his head and a fancy pipe in his hand. His Faustian Knights valiantly follow him where he wills, ever since they awoke from beneath the blades of wheat amid a field where Faustin walked and offered him their eternal service.

Redemption: [Further Information Needed]

KaBar: Founder of the Imperium of the Phoenix, KaBar decidedly battles against misanthropy wherever he finds it. A knife enthusiast, he sports HaS' largest known collection. Every blade known to man, and some unknown, can be found in his possession. His Abiogenetic Sons, the Knives (commonly known as the 'Bowies') are all armed as he dictates: with the finest blades.

dominatusimperator: Tyrannus Dominatus Imperator and his Silver Legionnaires have not seen fit to remain idle and take up a fiefdom as have so many other Guards. Imperator has taken the battle to Misanthropos, where he besieges the fortresses and destroys the villages of the Pagan Lords in search of the horrid relic Iron Galley used to corrupt fellow Guards in the Dark Seduction. So far he has not been successful.

Iron Galley: An odd, very odd case of a Guard. Known to have plotted the destruction of HaS more than once, Iron Galley is more a force than an entity. Slowly he claws away at the innards of HaS with nails of corruption disguised by seeming simple-mindedness. Few take notice of his treachery until it is unleashed, and as the battles of Ironhold, Leprechaun, and the entirety of the Dark Seduction, along with the creation of the Humanus Odium weapons and armor and his eventual exile into Misanthropos with his Iron Rams, prove, he is not beyond the usage of misanthropos' dark and forbidden heresies to bring into fruition his plans.

Currently exiled in Misanthropos, within an abandoned citadel of the Pagan Lords, he has established diplomatic relations with the rest of the Old Guard, with whom he tries to negotiate his return to HaS. He has bargained much, including pieces of information on the history of HaS itself that were thought lost since millennia ago, in exchange for his safe return to his old fiefdom of Ironhold, which is currently destroyed and under Mother Empress' control as payment for the deaths of most of her Domainians during the Dark Seduction. The negotiations are currently being debated, with strong arguments on both sides. Despite his multiple attempts on the lives of several members of the Old Guard, HaS itself, and many other crimes, Iron Galley possesses most, if not all, of the information on all of the Old Guards, their Abiogenetic Sons, and the very history of HaS. Some even say, its very future.

Iron Galley is also the only member of the Old Guard capable of manufacturing more Abiogenetic Sons, since his own children (the Iron Rams) were born with the innate ability to recall the process that saw them born in the first place. Through these means, Iron Galley has armed himself with much larger armies than any other Old Guard, but he has also created variations of his own Iron Rams to fulfill different roles in and out of the battlefield.

He is well-known to be a devout (?) follower to some very, very odd gods, and he is rumored to be toying around with deadly viruses, which could or could not include some form of anti-misanthropy virus and a counterpart of the same that could turn the entire world to the ways of Misanthropos if he so wished it. Also something to do with intelligent, super-human undead.

Happy: A dark, beautiful, uncontrollable she-god of catastrophic purpose. She is without physical presence in HaS, but the mere mention of her name is enough to drive men mad and into her armies. She sometimes decides that things are too calm in HaS, and she descends unto us, and woe to he who is trapped beneath her gaze.

At one point, she was allied to Mother Empress, but due to her being a mortal, Happy decided to go on an unholy crusade of destruction across all of Mother Empress' territories before leaving forever to destroy more lands. Mother Empress resents this, but is fearful of voicing as much in case the angry she-god decides to strike again.

Sheogorath: An insane Guard, that is for certain. He travels the lands, doing as he pleases, aiding or hindering the common folk as he wishes. His Abiogenetic Sons were all lost during the first few days of him having control over them during the Wars of Madness (information pending recompilation)— not dead, but lost. He still has to find them to this day, since he is vexed very much because he did not get to name them during the short time he had them. To aid himself during his search, which is on hold until he finishes spreading insanity through the world, he utilizes armies of discipuli that yearn to be blessed by him and acquire his favor. These men are either very brave or very stupid, because Sheogorath can be as helpful as he can be destructive to his own followers.

Saint Kelly

Saint Kelly #2 · Mar 21st, 2015 · 5 · ·

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