I need feedback and help

6283931
What kind of feedback and what kind of help?

any feedback or help would be appreciated

6283931
I noticed two things right off the bat:

1. Alicorn OC. Giant red flag for many readers. One has to be rather advanced in their writing skills to pull one of these off. Even then it’s still a pain to make it believable and not overpowered/edgy as h— so even a lot of more advanced writers don’t bother attempting it.

2. Them be some super short chapters. Everything happens so fast there’s no time to really get invested in it.

With that said, the phrase you’re looking for isn’t “suck,” it’s “inexperienced.” You’re inexperienced at writing. One only “sucks” if they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You’re selling yourself short which is one of the worst things any newbie can do. The potential is there. You just need to take things in stride and practice.

I will

6283998
Also, little site usage tip. See that little >> button in the top right corner of peoples’ posts? That’s how you “reply” to someone in a way that they’ll be notified about it.

6284020
I know that. I just forgot to.

6284022

6283931
So, before you read this know that you don't suck at writing. It's obvious that you are new to this and you need a lot of work, but with practice anyone can be a good writer. Also, people have said I'm rather harsh in my comments, so I am really sorry if it sounds like I am, I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to help by being honest.

Before even taking a look at yours story I knew from looking at it is that it won't be good. And first impressions are everything.

The first concern are those tags, or rather, you've put pretty much every dark and edgy tag on there (along with 3 MLP tags for some reason). While a story can have all those things and be good, seeing them all together is often a sign that the story probably doesn't have a focus other then as an excuse to kill ponies in gory ways.

Secondly is the cover art. It's an alicorn OC. Why they don't look bad, the fact it's an alicorn is also a warning sign to meany. Alicorn OCs have a bad reputation and while they could well be good, it will take more work for people to accept them.

Finally it's the description:

space star is a alicorn who can kill ponies

That's your long description and not only does it not have any grammar at all, it's also really bland and uninteresting. Also, with those tags, it would put many more off the story.

Another thing is that all your chapters are under 1,000 words. While it's possible to write a story like this, it's also a sign that the bear minimum amount of effort has been put into it.

Now, I've also read the first three chapters and to be honest, I'm not sure where to start, so let's go one sentence at a time:

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville.

First of all, have you heard the phrase "Show, don't tell"? It's rather important in writing and it's the difference between those who are starting writing (where you are) and those who are okay to amazing at writing (where you can be). It's a very long topic that I just don't have the time to go into, but there are already so many great articles and videos on the subject that you could find.

But, to sum it up, imagine that you're watching an episode of MLP. It's a beautiful day in Ponyville. Now, the show never actually tells you that. There isn't a narrator after all. instead, you know it's a beautiful day because it shows you the sun shining over the town. So when you say:

The sun was shining and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky.

Then you don't actually need the first sentence. You know that when those things are happening it's a beautiful day.

As always, the biggest thing that will help you write is to read a lot. When you read, take note of how things are introduced. How do other people describe things? Because description is really important in helping show rather then tell, and you barely have any throughout the chapters.

One final point I'll make is that you appear to just be retelling the story of the Movie only with an alicorn OC who kills others as part of the mane 6. Most people just aren't interested in such a thing, especially when the fact that they exist and are friends with the mane 6 doesn't actually change anything. They might as well be just watching the movie and commentating on it form time to time, that's all I see. You need to make your OC interesting and actually do stuff for people to like them.

Anyway, I hope this helps you.

6284051
1. I'm looking for someone to make me cover art
2. thanks for the advice. I apretiate it

6284027
One little note about the “show, don’t tell” thing since it’s been mentioned. That phrase is actually incorrect. The correct phrase is “show and tell.” That is, using each one where appropriate and having the right amount of both. Too much telling and the story is bland and emotionless. Too much showing and the narrative gets bogged down by excessive/unnecessary detail. To use an industry term: purple prose. Google it and you’ll find countless examples.

Common uses for telling are when you need to get from A to B quickly. Or when you’re going back and forth between A and B quickly. If you’ve already “shown” A recently when returning from B and vica versa then you don’t need to do it again so soon.
This one is trickier to do but telling is also appropriate as a “cold, hard fact” thing that needs particular and rather heavy emphasis. This is usually reserved for the opening of a story when character, setting and background haven’t been fully established. For example the opening sentence of A Christmas Carol: “Marley was dead.” It can be used as a cold, hard fact later in a story but that’s harder to do.

Showing gets trickier because it’s what draws us in to the setting and the characters themselves. Describe what the scene looks like but only give us the necessary details to paint a complete picture. Describe what the characters look like (unless you already did). But more, describe their facial expressions and body language. When describing what a character is doing, there’s a reason they’re doing it. The same goes for what a character says. There’s a reason they’re saying it. Those reasons are their own personality, the place they’re in, and the events that brought us to the present. Always always have a point-of-view character. The PoV character is the one we’re seeing the story through; we’re experiencing the story through their eyes and mind. Depending on what kind of story it is there can be multiple povs but in general you want to have only one pov character per ch. If you must have a pov change in the middle of a story, it’s best to do it as a whole new scene or ch. I’ve got a few mid-chapter pov shifts in my own story, but they are short and the reason they’re there is to build some intrigue about what other characters are thinking about certain major plot points in the story.

Another note on showing: dialogue is showing. If you’re having trouble showing solely with exposition (non dialogue), try restructuring the paragraph so that the character will have a line or lines to speak. You almost don’t have to even think about this in scenes where multiple characters are having a conversation, but remember body language, facial expressions, why the conversation is happening, and on a technical note, one speaker per paragraph.

I know that’s a lot to take and I summed it up as best I can, but do have a look at some of those advice columns floating around the net.

6284120
Ok.

I thought I recognized your avatar. Okay...

1) Practice. Every day, set aside some time. Throw yourself at it. Work it.

2) Read. Not just the stuff on this site, but published authors too. That stuff will give you a level of quality to aspire for.

3) There are many articles on the elements of good writing put forth by people far more talented than me or anyone you'll find on this site. Google them. Read them. Google is, as always, your closest and dearest friend.

And as for your fic, stay away from the Mary-Sue OC self-inserts, they're transparent as all hell and you'll be fighting an uphill battle to get likes no matter how well-rounded the OC might eventually turn out to be. Presentation is everything, and if the labeling on your package looks like a Mary Sue self-insert, you'll get hordes of people who will take one glance and downvote. Not fair, I know, that's just the way it is. Extra bonus points for not having an editor go through your descriptions. I'm looking at your short description, and I see two typos just in the first half of the first sentence.

You have an obviously overpowered OC, possible Mary Sue, and you have typos in your short description. That's like, 50 cardinal sins of writing right there.

Does this all sound hard? You bet your ass. If writing was easy, though, we'd all be real published authors, and not just hanging out on a fanfic site desperate for comments and likes. Writing is a journey, you've only taken the first few steps. You might find you're not suited for this journey, and that's alright too. There are plenty of creative endeavors, but believe me, they all require a similar amount of effort.

The best advice I can give you is to paint a picture using words and the easiest way to learn to to do that is to take a picture and start at one upper corner and make your way to the opposite upper corner, down the middle, and across the bottom.
While you are painting the picture the things you look at:
1. Color - Find the color that best describes a character, object, or item. Remember not to use generic colors like red, green, blue, yellow, but instead use analogies or more descriptive colors like: Ruby red, grassy green, blue as the sky, or as yellow as a daffodil.

2. Shape - Not just how the shape is round, square, angular, but how it makes you feel and what emotion that type of shape strikes -
Example 1: The Unique snowflake with trees of crystallized water as its limbs.
Example 2: Her face was soft, less square than my own and with a certain hardness to the skin that made her seem like her life had been harder than anything I'd ever endured

3. Blend of Precision versus Importance, you want to remember that objects that have little importance get little description while objects that have significant importance should get a lot more.
Example 1: As I watched the autumn leaves cascade down around her, there was a flourish of colors that blended with the pony's navy blue coat. I could see how well trimmed her red mane with it's orange swirl highlight. Unlike most, her mane ran from between her ears all the way down her snipe and directly into her tail, which had its own sweet curl at the end to it, almost like a baked cinnamon roll. (Paragraph Break before next descriptor)

As you can see here, I gave the leaves maybe 6-8 syllabuls of description while the pony is getting the rest of the paragraph and an entirely additional paragraph to boot.

4. Creation of your writing world
When you start to write a story you need to consider a few pieces:
1. Power Level - Consider what level of power you want your characters to have, do you want them to just be average citizens caught up in events worthy of note, to I can move the Sun and Moon if I have to! Remember to balance between them and maintain that level of power even as characters progress in their arch

2. Beginning - Where do we start? What the premise of our starting point and why is that a good starting point? Does this starting point require significant exposition or do you feel like you can make a character who knows as much as we do and figure it out as you go?

3. Premise - What is the conflict? All stories have it ranging from a simple question of what to eat for lunch to I'm here to kill / murder ponies! Figure out what the driving force for the overall back story.

4. Where it ends - Decide your ending before you even really begin, know THIS is where the story is leading, this is where it ends. Period.

5. Characters - Each character you deem worthy of writing in that has any lines of dialog, should have a description of their physical person, a name, a job, hopes, dreams, desires, motivations, and a potential character arch to explore. If you feel like a character has to be talked to by any of the main characters these are things to consider and determine what needs to be included in the story and what needs to be kept to yourself or potentially used later.

6. Introduction, Cause 1, Cause 2, Effect, Ramification - When you introduce something (Pony, Person, Item, Object, Plot Device), you must make sure that you wrap up that introduction to have a cause for it being there. Next give it purpose and a reason to take an action. What effect does that action have on the rest of the world around it. Ramification, How did that change the story? Does that something have a purpose for coming up later or is its arc resolved?
Example: The mare pulled a lighter out of her jacket in her hoof, then pulled out a set of smokes, she took one into her mouth and with a flick of the hoof lit up the cigarette and took a long puff. She slid the lighter away and looked at the case document before her.
(Later)
The mare snapped her lighter out and smiled that no one had thought to take it from her, she tossed her head back and caught it in one hoof. With a flick of her hooves it started to burn and began to cut into the ropes that bound her.

The lighter had a introduction, its cause for introduction, the mare smokes. It had a second cause later, because who takes a lighter from someone they have tied up? Who thinks that could be a weapon or useful to escape? it is a benign item. Now the effect is she may escape or the possibility is there.
Anything you feel should be worth mentioning should be consider for this section.

Those are my tips directly from the Young Authors conferences I attended years ago from 4th grade all the way through Junior College days.