First United Church of lord Xenu 14 members · 6 stories

We are the followers of the enlightened holy lord Xenu. Who has blessed us with the gift of pony because obviously the ponies are Thetans, clustered together in a conglomerate that make up what we interpret as ponies. The church of Scientology would have you believe the slanderous lies that Xenu is "evil" for his genocide but in the end, it gave us pony. So it was worth it.

Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy 75 million years ago, which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as "Teegeeack". The planets were overpopulated, containing an average population of 178 billion. The Galactic Confederacy's civilization was comparable to our own, with aliens "walking around in clothes which looked very remarkably like the clothes they wear this very minute" and using cars, trains and boats looking exactly the same as those "circa 1950, 1960" on Earth.

Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of psychiatrists, he gathered billions of his citizens under the pretense of income tax inspections, then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). The appearance of these spacecraft would later be subconsciously expressed in the design of the Douglas DC-8, the only difference being that "the DC8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't". When they had reached Teegeeack, the paralyzed citizens were unloaded around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. Hydrogen bombs were then lowered into the volcanoes and detonated simultaneously, killing all but a few aliens.


The now-disembodied victims' souls, called thetans, were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu's forces using an "electronic ribbon" ("which also was a type of standing wave") and sucked into "vacuum zones" around the world. The hundreds of billions of captured thetans were taken to a type of cinema, where they were forced to watch a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for thirty-six days. This implanted "various misleading data"' (collectively termed the R6 implant) into the memories of the hapless thetans, "which has to do with God, the Devil, space opera, et cetera". This included all world religions. The two "implant stations" are located on Hawaii and Las Palmas in the Canary Islands.

In addition to implanting new beliefs in the thetans, the images deprived them of their sense of personal identity. When the thetans left the projection areas, they started to cluster together in groups of a few thousand, having lost the ability to differentiate between each other. Each cluster of thetans gathered into one of the few remaining bodies that survived the explosion. These became what are known as body thetans, which are said to be still clinging to and adversely affecting everyone.

A government faction known as the Loyal Officers finally overthrew Xenu and his renegades, and locked him away in "an electronic mountain trap" from which he has not escaped.Teegeeack was subsequently abandoned by the Galactic Confederacy and remains a pariah "prison planet" to this day, although it has suffered repeatedly from incursions by alien "Invader Forces" since that time. - Wikipedia, Xenus holy libary of information, another creation of his almighty lordship powered by the thetans he has blessed us with.

Comandments of Lord Xenu

1. Thou shall condemn hipsters, for they art minions of the Loyal Officers.
2. Thou shall smoke weed every day.
3. Thou shall not kill, unless the B*tch deserves thou wrath.
4. Thou shall pirate all of thou's software off of pirate bay, for it is powered by thetans.
5. Thou shall use Old Spice, for it is the scent of everything that once was or will ever be.
6. Thou shall shun Scientologists, for they are blasphemous to the Lord Xenu.
7. Thou shall not plow thy neighbor's wife, unless he owes thou money.
8. Thou b*tches shall not leave thy kitchen.
9. Thou shall not consider Taiwan as an independent nation.
10. Thou shall condemn the hippies for they are whiny b*tches
11. Thou shall condemn Feminists, for they have left thy kitchen.

Comments ( 2 )
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Oh lordy I can feel the spirit of Lord Xenu inside me come hither children so I may smack the spirit of Lord Xenu into yah. :moustache:

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