Ever since Gary, Mary, Terry, Larry, Barry, and Bob had all revealed themselves to one another, they’d all come to call Twilight Sparkle’s immense and opulent castle as home. It just seemed easier that way. All six of them in the same location; able to keep track of one another and what each of them was up to. Obviously, Terry still spent plenty of time pretending to be Applejack around the farm, as did Gary as Rarity inside her boutique, making sure Sweetie Belle was still alive and not kidnapped or taken hostage or something of the like. Or stuck down a well like what had happened last week.
Larry—the changeling drone currently acting as Twilight—was fast asleep on the couch inside the foyer when Gary slammed the door behind him, startling him awake. Larry rubbed at his eyes to stare at the elegant white mare. “I take it Sweetie Belle’s still alive?”
Gary gave a nod. “Yep.”
“Not kidnapped and held for ransom by disgruntled ex-circus performers?”
Gary raised a brow. “That happens often in Ponyville?”
“First time for everything.” Groaning, Larry left the couch and together they made their way down the hall. “Hungry?”
“No thanks. I’m stuffed. Sweetie Belle gave me such a tight hug before I left I thought I was going to throw up. Truth be told, I’m still not convinced that kid’s a real pony at all. More like a pony-sized sugar cube. Covered in powered sugar. Filled with childish delusions of grandeur.”
“Did someone mention sugar cubes?”
In the castle’s spacious living room sat Terry, currently parading around as Applejack. On another couch were Mary and Barry, acting as Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, respectively.
Barry sighed and crossed his hooves over his chest. “We get it, Terry! You’re Applejack! No one’s trying to take that away from you! But just because you’re Applejack, doesn’t mean you need to be screaming ‘Howdy!’ and ‘Sugar cube!’ and ‘Brother-sister relations!’ all damn day!”
Mary turned to him. “What was that last one?”
Before he could reply, Terry plopped down on a nearby loveseat. “You’re one to talk, Barry. Wouldn’t you agree that outburst was rather… Rainbow Dash-ish?”
Barry smirked. “Practice makes perfect, does it not? And speaking of ponies in need of practice… where’s Bob?”
“Probably in the bathroom again,” Gary replied dryly. “Making out with his own reflection again. Or Fluttershy’s, rather.”
“Something is seriously wrong with that changeling,” Larry admitted, causing the other four to nod in unison. “But he still should be in attendance at our daily meeting. Just to make sure he’s not screwing something up or doing things in public that the normal Fluttershy wouldn’t do.”
Barry brought a hoof to hold by the side of his mouth. “Hey! Bob! Get your fluffy butterfly butt down here!”
Less than a minute later, Bob sluggishly stuck his head inside the room. All around his muzzle was a garish mash of ruby red lipstick, spread around so randomly it was clear he must’ve tried to remove some of it right after being summoned.
“Seriously, Bob?” Barry blurted out. “Making out with your reflection is one thing, but now you’re adding lipstick to the mix?”
Bob softly tapped a hoof against the ground. “I think Fluttershy looks kinda nice with lipstick…”
Clearing his throat, Larry went to stand in the center of the room. “Before we go any further, let’s all drop our disguises. It’s rather pointless to spend both energy and love to keep them on while safely indoors. Confusing, too. Trying to remember which one of you is which.”
“What about that dragon butler of yours? Isn’t there a risk of him seeing us?” Mary asked tentatively.
Larry shook his head. “Nope. Spike’s spending a week with some other dragon named Ember down in Dragon-ville or Denver or wherever it is dragons live. And for some reason, he seemed really nervous about meeting her again. He said he’d need some ‘protection’ this time around in case things got heated between them.”
“So what did you do?”
“Gave him one of my extra pocket knives.”
One by one, the six changelings in the room erupted into batches of green whirling flames, revealing their true forms underneath. The five of them had to glare in Bob’s direction for close to a minute until he finally caved and did away with his Fluttershy guise.
“There! Now I can finally tell who I’m speaking to,” Larry announced, as he stared at the five completely identical changelings around him. “Okay! First thing’s first. We got lucky with that whole ‘Discord situation’ last week. So that means we cannot go around doing anymore of that Elements of Harmony crap. It’s clear we’re not very good at it and, sooner or later, I’m sure it’ll end up blowing our cover. So if someone around town needs help with something—anything at all—run away from them as fast as you can and return to the castle.”
Terry raised a hoof. “But doesn’t running away from problems sound like something the Elements wouldn’t do?”
Larry shook his head at him. “Not unless you first explain that you left the stove on.”
“And what if we’re already standing in the kitchen?”
“Easy. You left a different stove on. Moving on—”
“Twilight! Are you in there? I seriously need your help with something!”
Loud bangs rattled the castle’s front door.
“It’s an emergency, Twilight! Please, open up!”
The six changelings jolted. All eyes quickly settled on Larry.
“Here’s what we do,” he told them in a hushed tone. “We pretend that nobody’s home. Easy.”
“Twilight! You left your front door unlocked, so I’m coming in! Is that all right?”
“Curses!” Larry hissed. “Everyone change! Quick!”
Another blinding wave of green flame ate up the living room. Only a moment later did a green unicorn with a cyan and white mane storm across the threshold.
“Sorry to intrude, Twilight, but—” Her sentence was cut short as she sniffed at the air. “Why does it smell like something’s burning in here?”
Bob—safely as Fluttershy again—told her, “Maybe you have a brain tumor.”
The green mare raised a curious brow. “No, I don’t think it’s that.”
Back as Twilight Sparkle, Larry rushed over to the large poster tacked to the wall with a helpful picture and description of every last pony in Ponyville on it. He dragged his hoof along the columns and rows until he finally came to it: LYRA HEARTSTRINGS—FRIEND. USUALLY FOUND IN CROWDS OR FILLING OUT WIDE OPEN SPACES.
Once he had the information necessary, Larry quickly spun back to her. “Lyra Heartstrings! Friend! Shouldn’t you be in a crowd or occupying a wide open space right now?”
Lyra steadied her breathing and blew a bit of mane out of her eyes. “Actually, I already did that this morning, but that’s not the reason I barged in here like I did. You know how we have our weekly book club meeting later today?”
Larry gulped dryly. “Of course I do! I am Twilight Sparkle after all. And I sure do love me some of those… books! Princess of Hard Covers right here! The smaller the font the better, I always say!”
“Anyways,” Lyra continued unperturbed, “do you happen to recall if it was my turn to bring snacks this week? I’d hate to show up with nothing and have everyone be all mad at me about it.”
Barry used Rainbow Dash’s speedy wings to shoot over to her. “That’s your idea of an emergency!? Whether to bring snacks or not?”
Lyra’s eyes went to stare at her hooves. “I crumble under pressure rather easily.”
“No kidding.” Larry then wrapped a reassuring foreleg around her. “Here’s what you do: bring snacks anyways! Couldn’t hurt having extra food, right? I can’t see anyone complaining about extra treats.”
“Thanks, Twilight. You always know just what to say.” That was when Lyra surprised Larry with a tight hug right around the middle. After a stiff few seconds, Larry eventually loosened and a big goofy grin wormed its way onto his lips.
Over Lyra’s shoulder, he whispered to the others, “Her love tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream! Come try some before she leaves! Remember: ponies in this town love random hugs!”
With that said, the other five marched over to the pair and also wrapped themselves around Lyra, who only seemed to become more ecstatic with every fresh embrace. It was evident Larry had been right all along: the residents of Ponyville were indeed hug-hungry bastards.
It was only when Bob went in for a hug that Lyra’s body went stiff and her eyes bugged out. She starred at Bob—or in this case Fluttershy—deadpan. “Did you just lick my neck?”
Bob didn’t bother attempting to lie to Lyra. “Yes.”
“There’s a reason you live alone on the outskirts of town, isn’t there?”
“You really should visit sometime,” Bob told her without bothering to blink. “I could show you my shed. It’s where I keep my artwork. My very special artwork.”
Giggling uneasily, Lyra pushed Bob away and turned back to Larry. “Well, I’d better get down to the market to get that food for tonight, but one last thing before I leave: how did you do on your book report?”
“My what?”
“You know—your book report. After we finish a book in book club, we’re always expected to write a paper on the book we just read. You know: what we thought of it; what we liked and didn’t like; what its deeper meanings might have been.” Lyra tilted her head to the side quizzically. “You did do the report already, didn’t you, Twilight?”
“Uhh… well…” Larry’s pupils shrunk as his throat went dry. “Maybe I just forgot about it this time.”
Lyra furrowed her brows and crossed the short distance between them. “That’s odd. Usually you’re the first one done their book report. And usually it’s over ten pages in length and uses words I have trouble even pronouncing.” She held the back of her foreleg up to Twilight’s forehead. “Are you feeling okay, Twilight? If you’re not, I could always send a letter to one of the Princesses to come check in on you or—”
Larry batted away her hoof as he began to laugh forcefully. “Ha-ha! Look who fell for another classic Twilight prank! Of course I finished that book report already! Why… why right now it’s in an entirely different room! Finished and everything!”
“Oh.” Lyra had no real good way of responding to that. “Okay. Joke’s on me, then. Maybe work on your pranks?”
Larry nodded. “I sure will. Unrelated to anything I just said… what was the name of that book again?”
“The one we were supposed to read?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“A Tail of Two Kitties, of course. You were the one that suggested we read it in the first place. Are you sure you’re feeling okay, Twilight?”
“Completely hunky dory.” Larry bared all of Twilight Sparkle’s bright and perfect teeth for the mare to enjoy. “Now why don’t you run along now and I’ll see you later tonight. Sound good?”
The second Lyra exited the castle, Larry changed back to his original self and spun around to face the rest of them. They all dropped their disguises, too.
Larry watched Mary tremble where she stood. “What are we going to do? If Twilight doesn’t finish that book report, then everyone in town will start thinking something’s wrong with her! And that might bring the Princesses here! And we might be found out!” Her eyes began shimmering faintly. “I don’t want to stop running Sugarcube Corner! I just make ponies so darn happy giving out treats as Pinkie Pie!”
Terry patted her back gently. “We’ll be fine. We only need to keep calm and not start a panic.”
“That’s it, guys!” Barry erupted suddenly, pulling at his cheeks with his hooves. “Game over, guys! Game over!”
Terry shot daggers at him. “What did I just say?”
A loud whistle effortlessly sliced through the room. Again they all turned to Larry, currently standing tall and proud with his blackened chest puffed out as far as it would go.
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” he began confidently. “As a team, we’re going to spend the rest of the day writing that book report and tonight I’m going to go to that meeting and do exactly what the real Twilight Sparkle would do. Be smart, dorky, and cute all at the same time. I know it won’t be easy, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to lose this pretty princess castle without a fight!”
He stared at all of them in turn, eyes as hard as steel.
“So who’s with me?”
They each raised a leg, hooping and hollering.
Larry nodded and hardened his jaw. “Good. Now someone tell me what in Equestria a book report is.”
***
“Found it!” Terry yelled, jumping down from a bookcase with a thick text clutched tight to his chest.
In the castle’s vast, vast, vast library they’d spent a good thirty minutes combing the archives before finally uncovering the blasted book they’d needed. For some reason or another, Twilight’s library had a total of six copies of the same book in stock (four of them signed by the author himself—the first one reading To my favorite purple pony while the fourth one read To my favorite purple stalker—Remember now! 500 feet means 500 feet!).
Terry laid out one of the unsigned copies onto the table in the center of the room. The six changeling drones then formed a rough circle around the oddity, more that a few lips curled upward in disdain.
“So we have the book,” Mary said, before smiling brightly. “Hey! We’re already halfway there! Now we just need to report on it!” She excitedly clapped her hooves together.
“So what does ‘report’ mean exactly?” Larry asked openly.
“It’s an account given of a particular matter, especially in the form of an official document, after thorough investigation or consideration by an appointed person or body,” Terry replied without pause.
Larry was taken back by that. “And how did you know all that?”
Terry shrugged. “There’s a dictionary in the bathroom I sometimes read. Makes you want to get out of there all the faster.”
Larry scrunched up his nose. “Too much information, bro.”
“What do you mean? I thought more information on the subject at hoof would only go on to help with—”
Larry shut Terry’s mouth with a hoof. “Never mind. Forget I mentioned it. So let’s get ‘reporting’ on this thing already. Any idea on how to get the information out of it? Remember: we need that information fast.”
“Leave it to me,” Barry replied, cracking his neck from side to side. “Give me five minutes alone with that book and I’ll have it spilling its guts faster than someone trying to explain string bean theory. I was Queen Chrysalis’ official interrogator back in the hive.”
“Before you were demoted to official doorknob polisher,” Gary reminded him snidely. “What’s worse is that there weren’t even any doors inside the hive, meaning that Chrysalis gave you a made-up job just to get you out of her hair.”
Barry thought on that for a moment. “That would explain the short work days, but regardless… time to crack this book wide open!” With that said, Barry leaped onto the table and pressed his muzzle directly against the book, displaying his saliva drenched fangs as he did so.
“All right, Mr. Book! If that’s even your real name! Tell us what we want to know before I open you up and start dog ear-ing you one page at a time! Don’t think I’m joking here! I once convinced a self-help book to commit suicide you know!”
A magical aura forcefully shoved Barry off the table and onto the carpet below. With a tired sigh, Terry scooped up the spit-speckled book and held it out for the rest to see. “Are you all truly this stupid? This is a book! You can’t just yell at it and expect anything to happen. You read it and learn from it! Simple as that! Here, let me show you.”
The text’s thick spine cracked as he opened it and laid it flat. From some unseen pocket, he pulled out a small pair of reading glasses to perch atop his nose. “Now let’s see here…” Terry scanned the top of the first page and began to read: “Felix was the best of kittens, he was the worst of kittens, he was a smarty-pants, he was also a big dum-dum, he had a sunspot on the floor where—”
With a mighty shriek, Terry slammed the book shut and instantly crumpled to the floor, causing the others to rush over to him.
“What happened!?” Larry asked hurriedly. “Did the book have some evil spell attached to it? Is that why you cried out in pain just now?”
“No…” Terry muttered, holding both hooves to the sides of his head. “It’s… it’s just so… boring! Reading the dictionary is one thing, but…”
“Let me see that,” Barry spoke suddenly. “I’m the second-best Rainbow Dash in all the land. And as we all know, Rainbow Dash is a cool mare who isn’t afraid of anything. So let’s give this reading thing a go!”
Forty-one seconds later, the others could only watch helplessly as Barry writhed around on the carpet, painfully clutching at his belly. To his credit, he had made it past the first paragraph before violently vomiting up all the mint-flavored love essence he’d soaked up from Lyra Heartstrings only moments prior.
“Do ponies really find this reading thing fun? Like some sick, deranged hobby?” Mary kept herself a safe distance away from the book, almost as though it were the cursed object found in the basement of some ancient temple. “So what are we going to do if we can’t even read the book we’re supposed to be reporting on?”
Deep in thought, Larry did his best to ignore Barry’s continued moans. “It’s clear we’ve been going about this all wrong. We’re pretending to be the Elements of Harmony, but we sure aren’t acting like them. Now we need to ask ourselves: what would the real Elements of Harmony do in this situation?”
Bob raised a hoof. “They’d probably go rescue themselves first. I mean, a book report’s one thing, but I’m pretty sure they’d drop that in a hurry to go get themselves out of Chrysalis’ dungeons.”
Larry exhaled miserably. “In this scenario, Bob, the Elements wouldn’t even be in the dungeon. They’d be here. Right here. Right now. Doing what the Elements would normally do.”
“Oh.” Bob pondered that. “Then give me a hint. Does any answer involve the vast consumption of wine coolers, spirited pillow fights, and/or candid pictures that one might regret at a later date?”
That caused Larry to growl deep within his throat. “You know what, Bob? Why don’t you go sit by yourself in the corner and play with some of that shiny paper you like so much? Sound good?”
“You don’t have to tell me twice to go play with shiny paper.”
With Bob thankfully out of the picture, Larry got things back on track. As he spoke, he paced across the room, his hoofsteps completely muted by the soft carpet below. “Having read through Twilight’s personal journal some nights ago, I have come to the stark conclusion that nearly ninety percent of all of Twilight’s problems are solved through friendship; the other ten percent by repeatedly punching things in the face. I am, of course, referring to the Tirek Gets Repeatedly Punched In The Face Incident.”
The four other changelings seated on the floor simply nodded along.
“Each time the Elements have been pressed with something terrible or unwinnable, all they do is bring up friendship and then BAM! Magical rainbows everywhere!”
“I believe they usually hug while this occurs,” Gary added to the discussion. “Some secret hug power they all must have access to.”
Larry agreed. “Very good point. So now it becomes clear on how to solve our current conundrum: form a circle, hug passionately, talk about friendship. With any luck, that’ll unleash some magical rainbow beam that’ll instantly solve all our problems.”
Barry frowned at that. “You honestly believe a magical rainbow beam will miraculously appear if we hug long enough and write a book report for us?”
Sighing, Larry admitted to them, “Well, if I’m being completely honest, I think we’re all screwed no matter what we do. But then again, we do have a whole afternoon to kill, so why not try something stupid before we’re discovered and thrown in prison for all eternity?”
It seemed none of them could argue with that logic.
Back as the Elements again (and begrudgingly accompanied by Bob once more), the six changelings locked their hooves together while keeping their eyes shut tight. Larry—once again disguised as Twilight Sparkle—began the impromptu friendship lesson.
“Dear Friendship God, today I learned just how much I hate reading, and book reports in particular—”
Someone kicked at his shin, making him start over again.
“Dear Friendship God, today I learned just how important friends can be. I had a problem and each one of them wanted to help me with that very same problem. Except for Bob… I mean Fluttershy. Honestly, if Fluttershy makes it over the age of twenty-five without accidentally killing himself somehow, I will be plum surprised.”
Bob took the given opportunity to admit his own learned lesson. “And I learned that you should always give your tea time to cool before spilling it on your lap.”
“Chrysalis curse you to the Great Beyond, Bob!” Larry hissed out between his teeth.
A full minute of silence passed before Larry opened his eyes again. Immediately, his head drooped.
“It didn’t work,” he admitted miserably, breaking away from his brothers and sister. “No magic rainbows or anything!”
“Does that mean we can stop touching each other now?” Barry asked. “Someone’s got a hoof on my butt that won’t let go.”
“That would be mine,” Bob answered with little remorse. “Would you not grab Rainbow Dash’s butt if it was in clear grabbing distance?”
Barry paused. “True.”
“I know!” Gary chirped, Rarity’s trademark curls bouncing atop his shoulders. “Maybe this just isn’t a big enough problem for magical rainbow beams to solve! I mean, don’t they sort of only use those on the big threats? Discord and Tirek and the like? Maybe… maybe we only need to treat this like an every-day-type of problem of solve!”
Larry looked at him with clear worry in his eyes. “What other ways do the Elements of Harmony solve their problems if not for the magic of friendship?”
Gary grinned at them all. “With a grand musical number of course!”