WARNING: This bonus chapter is rated 'AR' for Anal Retentive.
It contains references to dookie and makes potty jokes in semi-poor taste. If you are consuming food or beverage, stop now.
YOU have been warned.
Hello again journal.
Once more I delve into the anals of medical science to bring you the very latest in the madness that is me telling everypony else how to not kill themselves.
No, I did not misspell 'anals'.
So today I was called out to respond to a rather peculiar medical emergency in the Crystal Empire. Normally, this kind of thing is out of my range, and outside my salary, but being scooped up by Rainbow Dash and told 'Hold On! We're going supersonic!' leaves me with little time to reject the job, and less time to let anypony else at P.M.C. Know that I wouldn't be able to make my two-O-clock.
Doctor Stable is already upset he didn't get to study Changeling anatomy...
But enough about that.
Now, to be fully accurate, I wasn't actually taken to the Crystal Empire, but rather straight to Yakyakistan, where I was shoved into a room with Princess Celestia and told, and I quote: “Fix her.”
Rainbow Dash and subtlety go together like penicillin and bacteria.
Okay, so to lay down the medical and not-so-medical history here, Princess Celestia this day in age is seen as a borderline goddess by many of her subjects. Hay, the two times she's disappeared recently almost caused the complete collapse of pony society.
Mind you, she's nowhere near as god-like as popular opinion would have you believe, but that's the problem when you're a medical professional who deals in fact stuck in the middle of a mass of ponies who have opinions in everything.
This has resulted in a rather... Odd twist to her image. Ponies see Celestia as the epitome of a righteous, squeaky clean mother figure. Incapable of blemish or scuff, lest all creation collapse upon itself and bring the ponypocalypse.
Her medical records (up-to-date copies in every doctor's office in Equestria mandated by Surgeon General himself) tell a different sort of story.
Princess Celestia, while healthy, is not without her vices and problems.
According to my recall of the notes, she suffers from chronic insomnia. Turns out it's an old problem dating back to the days when ponies had to watch their backs almost all the time in some places.
This keeps her awake, which means she's tired the next day. Of course, wouldn't you know it, the keeper of the Sun does not get the luxury of sleeping in or taking sick-days for her duties. I almost feel pity for Twilight. She doesn't realize what she got herself into when she got those wings. But I digress...
The insomnia leads to a dramatically increased intake of caffeine VIA the consumption of vast quantities of tea. Tea, which she regulates about as well as Luna regulates her voice at public events. Which is to say, not very well.
Because she doesn't regulate her tea intake, and because she'll take tea at all hours, including late, she only makes her insomnia worse. Which of course, makes her feel equally worse the next day. Apply more tea, rinse, repeat.
I hear it gets so bad some days that she actually crushes tea-leaves up over her breakfast as a seasoning.
And this is only the beginning of her problems.
Thanks to the wonders of insomnia, Celestia's lack of sleep also plays havoc with her appetite. That image of Celestia eating cake that's been going around? Not too far from the truth actually. Sleep deprivation suppresses the appetite, making it difficult for Celestia to feel the need to take proper meals. Instead, she snacks on sweets (mainly cake) most of the day.
Luckily, through the combination of every doctor in Equestria, and the fact that she barely even eats off her snacks before moving on, the princess is kept in decent nutrition through delicious dinners and stealth supplements in most of the cakes she gets a hold of.
And now we get to the plot.
Literally.
Along with the image of dainty, cake eating god-princess, comes the preschool image of a princess who does not have to poop.
I'm not making this up. If somepony ever steals this journal, I'm willing to bet even YOU think the princess never has to use the bathroom.
This is not without some basis in reality, of course. As it would turn out, excessive cake consumption can be troublesome for ponies. Princess Celestia, in particular, has an extensive history of unproductive constipation.
There is in fact, a reason why she seems to go back and forth between gentle mother and casual prankster, and the no-nonsense princess that Discord makes fun of so much.
And guess what I had to treat today?
It gets worse.
The hygiene conditions for Yakyakistan are what one would consider, sub-optimal. This is not to say the Yaks are Unhygienic. In fact, they are very clean. However, the frozen north has one very important feature.
It's FROZEN!
Fresh water, while abundant in the form of ice and snow, still requires heating in order to be useful. Heating in a place where trees are sparse is thus a very expensive proposition, and not something you'd want to waste creating things like water for flushing toilets.
Don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. Being a frozen wasteland also works in favor of those who don't want to smell microbial gluttony on a grand scale.
But needless to say, the problem came down to a simple little fact.
Princess Celestia didn't want to have to use one of the Yak's “Potty Pits”. And I don't blame her. Not when one remembers how BIG a Yak is.
Needless to say, Celestia decided that not having to GO for a day would be better than having to balance over a semi-frozen cesspit larger than she was. So she took a supplement meant for treating diarrhea at the advice of Twilight.
I aught a' smack them BOTH.
The Yaks held a feast. And of course, the Princess would have an actual appetite in the excitement and conveniently forget that what goes in, must come out.
Yes, I responded to a world-threatening case of a belly ache.
Mind you, the princess was all but writhing in pain while I made a conclusion for my diagnosis. So I guess I get some 'I told you so' levels of satisfaction out of the situation... Even if I didn't actually tell her so. In the end, I had Dash run herself ragged back to Canterlot to retrieve some princess strength laxative (from Celestia's private quarters. She always has some these days).
Princess Celestia was none-too-thrilled to find out she would have to make use of the 'Local Facilities'. You'd think I'd diagnosed her with terminal cancer or something (Pro Tip: Alicorns can't get cancer).
Luckily, Prince Rutherford was amazingly understanding of Celestia's near-childish hangup about their frozen lavatories. He even made it a point to personally go out and dig the princess a fresh, clean pit fit for her body size.
It was surprisingly sweet. In a, massively disgusting way.
That being said, I think I'm going to go sit on my throne.
What throne you may ask?
Why, the only throne in the world that matters to the princess of her home.
The Porcelain Throne.