Retroactive Ethical Tangent Conversion/Obliteration Nationals

by Masterweaver


Unusually Destructive Friendship Lessons

"THESE BUGS," Agent Bonbon growled. "THESE FLIPPIN' BUGS. I was on the middle of a lunch date with Lyra, and all of the sudden--"

"Oh, you two are finally getting it on?" Minuette asked as she blasted another set of spherical gremlins into oblivion.

"It was a friendship date." The cream mare smashed some of the insects as they floated near. "Really we were just hanging out, sharing pie. Nothing big."

"It's all the little things that matter," the blue unicorn mused, trapping a small swarm in a sphere of force and collapsing it.

"Look Minuette, if you want us to get together or something--which is totally creepy--you're going to have to let us do it in our own time." Agent Bonbon crushed a passing Parasprite against a wall. "I mean, seriously--Oh what now?!"

Rings of magic spread out from an undisclosed source, halting the parasprites in their path. For the briefest of moments, it seemed as though their rampage was over.

Then one took a bite out of a sign.

"...What in Celestia's name." Sweetie Drops watched as the spherical bugs went to town on... the town. "Did some idiot just upgrade the magic locust balls?"

"...Not just some idiot," Minuette replied. "Our idiot. That magical signature... it's Twilight's."

"Well, that's just peachy," Drops grumbled. "First that thing with the star-bear, and now THIS! And Agent M isn't around to help, again."

"Agent M was busy keeping the Ursa Major occupied while Twilight handled the Ursa Minor--"

"Oh, really, you believe that?"

"Well, where else would the violet starfur have come from?"

"I wouldn't put it past Agent M to have faked that." Drops groaned as a Parasprite started nomming on a table. "Honestly, Trixie was a showmare! Why did everypony not realize that?!"

"Why didn't you point that out?" Minuette countered.

"Our job is keeping Twilight on the straight and narrow. If her friends are idiots, that's their problem."

"She's learning morality from her friends."

Sweetie Drops glowered at her. "Don't you even. Don't you even."

"Isn't it kind of implied that we govern their lessons too?"

"AAAAAARGH. I told you not to even--what is that?!" Sweetie Drops' ears twitched. "Is somepony actually playing a polka in the middle of this?! What in the world is going..."

Her voice trailed off as the spherical insects began bouncing to the beat, following the player--who of course was Pinkie Pie--out of town and to the edge of the Everfree forest.

"...Huh," said Minuette.

"What," said Sweetie Drops.

"Huh," repeated Minuette, as though maybe saying it again would provide an answer.

"....No, hold on." Sweetie Drops shook her head. "It cannot be this easy. It can't!"

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth," Minuette recited.

"Why would I care about Lyra's dental health?"

The blue unicorn shot her a look. "Okay, seriously, no. That's not even funny."

"Look, all I'm saying is this makes no sense. Why is Pinkie playing a polka? How is this fixing things? How did she know? Why didn't she tell anypony?" With a grunt, Sweetie Drops followed after the ponies following after Twilight. "You know what? I'm going to go look into this."

"Don't break cover!"

"I'm not going to break cover, I wasn't the one that was kicked out of the corps!"

"That was totally a misunderstanding!"

With a roll of her eyes, Sweetie Drops continued her walk, catching up to the pink pony just as she was returning. "So. Music. What the hay."

"Oh, yeah, Parasprites respond to music right off the bat."

"...you knew what those things were."

"Yepperoni."

"And you didn't tell anypony?"

"Well, why do you think I spent all that time looking for instruments?"

Sweetie Drops sighed. "Pinkie Pie, how many ponies do you know that can read minds?"

"Well, Princess Luna is supposed to be able to walk in dreams, and I think Twilight might have a mind-reading spell, and missus Cake always knows when I sneak a bite at the icing--"

"Okay. Rephrase: How many ponies do you know that regularly read minds and can interpret what you're thinking at any given time?"

Pinkie frowned. "That's an overly narrow superlative."

"MY POINT IS: If you have something to say, you need to say it! CLEARLY! CAREFULLY!" Sweetie Drops waved at the destroyed town. "Not go off on obscure treasure hunts and expect ponies to just get what's going on!"

Pinkie nodded for a moment. "Okey dokey loki! Oh, by the way, do you have a trombone? I kind of need it to finish the song."

"No."

"I do!" Minuette announced, revealing a trombone.

Sweetie Drops gave her a look. "Where did you get that?"

"Our Mmmmmmutual friend gave it to me earlier. Said I'd find it useful."

"....Of course." Agent Bonbon groaned. "Of flippin' course."

Minuette looked from Sweetie Drops, around at the wrecked town, and back to Bonbon. "...Yeah, okay, I can get why you're a little stressed over this all."

"A little, she says."

"Wanna go find Lyra?"

Sweetie Drops inhaled, considered the question, and gave a quiet sigh. "You know what, I'm too tired to fight this. Sure. Let's find Lyra so you can innuendo at us all day."