Dan Vs. Laundry Day
-ooooooo-
Chris slowly rose his knuckles up to Dan’s wooden apartment door, the hand hovering under the gold-colored number 8.
“Well?! What are you waiting for?!”
Behind Chris stood Elise, who looked on impatiently as Chris simply held his hand up hesitantly in the knocking position.
Chris cringed slightly and turned to grin sheepishly. “Well… It’s just that Dan hasn’t summoned me, so…”
Elise cocked an eyebrow. “‘Summoned’ you?! Chris, you’re not Dan’s familiar or minion. You’re his friend! You shouldn’t have to be ‘summoned’ to show up at his house!”
“But we didn’t call ahead!” Chris replied. “I mean… it’s isn’t that kind of rude?”
Elise narrowed her eyes. “Oh! Like the countless times Dan showed up at our house unannounced?”
“Okay, but two wrongs don’t make a—”
Elise put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “Two wrongs?! Two?! Dan used to practically made it a weekly thing to show up at our house unannounced!”
“Okay, but that’s not what that expression mea--”
“How about the time he just showed up on our couch in the middle of the night!”
Chris frowned. “Well… he had extenuating circumstances for that one…”
Elise threw her hands up above her head. “He always has extenuating circumstances!”
“But that one was more extenuating than usual…”
Elise rolled his eyes. “I’ll admit, having someone come by to literally steal your identity like a well-groomed, well-mannered doppelganger is out of the ordinary, but we’re stopping by at a nice, reasonable time of the day and are just checking up on Pinkie.”
“… and Dan?”
“Sure, whatever…” Elise replied waving her hand about dismissively. “He’s probably fine… Or if he’s not, he’s probably overreacting about something.” Her expression hardened. “We’ve been over this!” Elise said, throwing her hands out in frustration. “It’s been quiet with those two… Too quiet… And with Dan… and Pinkie to some extent… that probably means something bad.”
The left corners of Chris’s lips pulled outward. “Again, I’m surprised you’re not just enjoying the quiet.”
“I was,” Elise said, “until I noticed it was quiet and now I’m worried. Look, this is just a small check up on these two! If nothing is going on, which I doubt, we can just have a quick lunch with Dan and Pinkie or something and go home.”
Chris sighed and turned back to the door. “Dan’s not going to be happy about this.”
Elise rolled her eyes. “He’s almost never ‘happy’ unless something is on fire or he’s injuring someone.” Her brow creased. “For his sake, neither of those things better be happening at the moment. So knock!”
With a frown, Chris turned back towards the door. He gently rapped his knuckles against the wooden door twice and waited very briefly for a reply. “Well, no one appears to be home!” Chris said doing an about face. “We should—” Chris stopped midsentence as he was hit with a scowl, Elise’s deep purple eyes practically boring a hole into his face. With a defeated sigh he turned and knocked harder. “Dan! Pinkie?” Chris shouted. “It’s Chris and Elise! We’re here for a surprise… uh… visit!”
After a brief pause Dan’s voice replied, “Chris!? What are you doing here!? I didn’t summon you!”
Chris turned to give a slightly embarrassed grin to Elise whose face all but exclaimed ‘Really?’
Chris turned back to the door and continued, “I know, Dan! We just wanted to stop and say ‘hi’.”
“… Well, you just said it!” Dan replied. “Mission accomplished! You can go now!”
Elise suddenly rushed up, roughly pushing Chris aside. She hammered angrily at the door with a fist. “Dan! Open up!” She demanded. “We came to see you and Pinkie! Mostly Pinkie! You’re not just going to turn us away like this!”
“Oh, well! In that case, get lost!” Dan screamed back.
“DAN!” Elise shouted as she slammed her shoulder against the door and attempted to work the knob. “You unlock this door and let us in right now!”
Chris gave Elise a trepidatious look as she feebly attempted to work the knob and tried to drill a hole through the door with her eyes.
“How about ‘no’?” Dan replied. “Beat it! There’s no way I’m opening this door!”
“FINE!” Elise said as she released the knob. “Guess I’ll just have to break it down!”
“Hah! You wouldn’t!” Dan cried.
Elise looked at the door and smiled at it slyly. “Oh reeeaaaallly…” Elise purred. “You really think I’d hesitate to take out this flimsy wood door?”
“This door isn’t flimsy!” Dan roared. “It’s a solid defender that keeps me separated from the unwashed peons of the world! Like yourself.”
Elise let out a growl. “Dan… I’m warning you, if you don’t open this door RIGHT now I’m going to turn it into kindling!”
Chris grit his teeth and slowly approached the door. “Dan, all we want to know is where Pinkie is.”
“She’s just in the bathroom!” Dan said. “Geez? Was that all? Well, I told you, so you can go—”
“NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” Elise cried. “We need proof that Pinkie’s alright! For all you know you have her bound and gagged in there!”
“… While that’s certainly a tempting idea I’ll keep in mind for when Pinkie gets particularly hyperactive, she’s just washing her hair… I mean… she has a lot of that so the whole act takes a while. You two might as well just turn around and come back later. Tomorrow or when I say it’s okay sounds pretty good.”
“THAT’S NOT PROOF!” Elise shouted. “We want to come in and see Pinkie for ourselves.”
Chris frowned. “Well, I mean… It’s good enough for me—”
Elise turned and gave Chris an irritated scowl.
“—but I see it’s not quite enough for you, so I guess we’re not going to drop this…”
“This is outrageous!” Dan roared. “You come to my door apartment unannounced and you start making demands of me! You’re acting like… like…”
“You?” Elise suggested.
“Hey!” Dan protested. “When I do this it’s a usually a matter of life and death!”
Elise rolled her eyes. “Oh, like the time you were mad because they were serving vegetables at Burgerphile instead of fries?”
“… I didn’t necessarily mean my life… or death,” Dan clarified.
Elise let out a frustrated sigh. “Dan! We just want inside! If don’t have anything to hide, this shouldn’t be a big deal.”
“…”
Chris stared at the door in concern. “Dan…?”
“Ah-ha!” Elise cried as she leveled an accusatory index finger at the door. “You are hiding something!”
After another pause, Dan answered, “… If you two just come by tomorrow…”
“Oh-ho-ho no!” Elise said. “I want to know what you’ve done with Pinkie and I want to know right now!”
“Pinkie’s fine!” Dan insisted. “Heck. I’ll have her call you when she’s out of the bathroom, so just—”
“No way!” Elise cried. “How do I know you don’t have a bunch of pre-recorded snippets of Pinkie talking to fool me?!”
Chris raised an eyebrow.
“… Because that would be awfully tedious?” Dan suggested. “I mean… maybe useful, but I don’t see myself following Pinkie around with a tape recorder and somehow editing and preparing all that just so I could trick people into thinking she’s on the phone…”
Elise furrowed her brow at the door. “You really expect me to believe that you’ve spent all this time with Pinkie and you don’t have a bunch of soundbites recorded of her so you can fool people into thinking she’s talking on the phone, or confessing to a crime, or ordering a pizza because you don’t want anyone to know you're ordering a triple cheese pizza and cheating on your diet?”
“Why the heck would anyone do that!?”
“Yes, Elise,” Chris chimed in, crossing his arms across his chest as he gave his wife an unamused look. “Why would anyone do that?”
Elise flinched and shot Chris a nervous glance. “We’re getting off topic, we should really focus on—” Elise suddenly turned back to the door “—WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE DOOR IF YOU DON’T LET US IN!”
“NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU MAROON-HAIRED HARLOT!” Dan shouted.
“THAT’S IT!” Elise shouted. Elise reached into her hip huggers and pulled out a pistol in one hand and a grenade in the other. “HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR DOOR TO DIE, ‘CAUSE I GOT OPTIONS!”
“Elise!” Chris called out in concern. “There’s no need to—”
“DO YOUR WORST!” Dan called back.
Elise grinned wickedly. “SHOT OPEN AND EXPLODED IT IS!”
“ELISE! DAN!” Chris shouted. “Really! Let’s just—”
“STAND BACK, CHRIS!” Elise cried as she aimed her firearm at the doorknob and looped her thumb through the grenade’s safety pin ring.
“Gha!” Chris exclaimed as he ran away from the door and down the stairs. “DAN!” He shouted up. “YOU MIGHT WANT TO STAND BACK!”
“I’LL GUARD THIS DOOR EVEN IF IT MEANS MY LIFE!” Dan shouted back.
Chris clenched down on his teeth and covered his eyes with his hand.
“Works for me!” Elise said, her smile growing wilder as she took a few steps back, took aim with her pistol, and pulled back the hand with her grenade as she used her thumb to remove the safety pin and clamped down on the grenade’s lever.
“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” Pinkie’s shrill voice suddenly cut through the air like a hot knife through a tense situation.
Chris uncovered his eyes.
Elise’s eyes opened wide as she raised her pistol. She took a quick look at the grenade in her hand and cringed as she tossed it down the apartment complex’s walkway and off to the side where it exploded in a fury of shrapnel, screaming, and bike helmet.
Chris swallowed. “Uh… Elise?”
“Flashbang!” Elise shouted out.
“Uh, that didn’t sound like a—”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAT!?” Dan’s shouted out, his voice cutting the air like a hot knife through an uncomfortable conversation.
“What the heck is going on out there?!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“NOTHING!” Dan called back.
“It sounds very explody and screamy for nothing!” Pinkie retorted.
“Pinkie!” Elise shouted. “It’s Elise and Chris! We came to visit!”
“Oh, awesome!” Pinkie said excitedly. “Why is everyone yelling?!”
“Pinkie!” Elise shouted. “Dan won’t let us inside!”
“What?! Why?!” Pinkie shouted.
“Because… BECAUSE!” Dan shouted back.
“… Well, that IS a pretty good point,” Pinkie replied. “But you shouldn’t make our friends wait outside! You said that’s where the older women who prey on younger men live!”
Chris walked back up the stairs to exchange a confused expression with Elise.
“Not those kind of cougars!” Dan shouted. “The wild, big cat kind that eat people!”
“Oh!” Pinkie shouted. “That’s much worse! Dan, let Elise and Chris in before they’re attacked and eaten!”
“Pretty sure they’ll be fine with whatever Elise is packing and also I don’t want to!”
“DAN!”Pinkie shouted sternly.
“Uggggghhhhh! FINE!” Dan snarled.
The door to the apartment slowly opened casting sunlight on the tidy kitchen area and clean linoleum floor.
Chris and Elise walked in, Chris smirking as he looked around. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to Dan living in a clean apartment.”
Elise nodded. “Yeah, Pinkie really manages to keep Dan’s natural greasiness at bay.”
There was a snarl from behind the door. “Wench!”
Elise narrowed her eyes and glared.
“Dan, are you hiding behind the door?” Chris asked.
Only Dan’s fingers were visible as he held the door open, himself behind it. “Hey! You guys found out Pinkie was fine! Good job! Now you can take a hike!”
Elise gave the door a suspicious look. “Okay Dan, what are you hiding?”
“My total contempt for you. Oops! Guess that secret is out! Well, you can go now!”
Elise stepped up and grasped the door. “Dan, what are you plotting this time!?”
“I’m plotting how great it’ll be when you two leave!”
Elise tugged on the door, but Dan held it in place. “We’re not leaving until we see what this is all about!”
“Gah! Unhand my door, vile woman! Chris! Control your mate!”
Chris rolled his eyes. “Dan, I’m not sure what’s going on but you could at least step out from behind the door.”
“… I really can’t…” Dan said.
Elise’s narrowed her eyes in determination. “That’s it, we’re figuring out what’s going on right now!” She tugged on the door harder as Dan’s strained grunts sounded out.
“No!” Dan cried. “There’s nothing to see here! Just goooo-GAAAAAH!” The door flew towards Elise as she won the tug of war and Dan tumbled out into view leaving Chris and Elise in stunned silence.
Instead of his normal ‘JERK’ short and jeans, Dan was wearing a blue jacket over a white t-shirt with a pink heart on it. Additionally, he was wearing a pink skirt with a design of a yellow balloon flanked by two blue balloons and a pair of knee-high blue boots with pink bows on them. Dan scrambled to his feet as Elise’s expression changed from surprise, to confusion, to joy as mirthful laughter poured out of her. Dan stared at her with a rage-filled expression.
“Da-Dan?!” Chris said in surprise. “Wha—”
“It’s laundry day, alright!” Dan exclaimed. Dan motioned down to his, or rather Pinkie’s, outfit. “I had to wear this because all my other clothes are about to be washed.”
Chris raised an eyebrow. “So you’re really dressed in Pinkie’s clothes because it’s ‘laundry day’ and not because… uh… because this is some strange, erm, ‘game’ you two are playing?”
“What kind of weird deviant sickos do you take us for?!”
Chris gave Dan a knowing expression.
“Hey!” Dan continued to protest. “If I was going to dress up in Pinkie’s clothing I would have picked something that actually looks good on me! Like her ‘Party Hard’ outfit or anything that’s a bit more flattering to my figure.”
Elise simply continued her uproarious laughter, falling to the floor and clutching her sides. “BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Dan folded his arms across his chest and looked down at Elise. “Well, I hate that you’re going to die happy, but at least it looks like you’re going to die of asphyxiation, so at least there’s a bright side to all this.”
With a slight creak, the bathroom door opened. “Heeeeeeey!” Pinkie exclaimed. “It sounds like a good time out here!” She grinned widely. “Are you all having a party without me?”
Chris’s eyes went wide. “Pa-Pinkie? Why are you dressed like… Like that?”
Pinkie looked down and giggled. She was wearing a black ‘JERK’ shirt, jeans, and Dan’s black boots.
“I can’t believe how slow you are!” Dan cried. “It’s ‘laundry day’! We already went over this!”
Chris looked at Dan then at Pinkie. “But—”
“Hehe! Yep! No clean clothes!” Pinkie replied. “Dan and I need to do a laundry run!” Pinkie said. “But you two can hang out with us if you want!” she said in a cheery expression.
“HAHAHAHA-Wouldn’t-pfffftHAHAHAHAHA!-miss it!” Elise said as she rolled around on the floor, tears coming out of her eyes.
With a grumble, Dan walked into his and Pinkie’s bedroom and reappeared with several large black bags stuffed to capacity piled up above his face. “HERE!” Dan exclaimed as he stumbled over to Chris shoved the bags roughly into the taller man who awkwardly gathered them into his arms, the bags piled high enough to block his view.
Pinkie giggled and grabbed the top couple bags as she headed out the door. “Here, let me help you with that.”
Now able to see where he was going, Chris smiled. “Thanks, Pinkie!” he replied as he followed Pinkie outside.
“Don’t help him!” Dan shouted as he also headed out the door. “He’ll start thinking he’s equal to us and demand voting rights and other assorted things that should be privileges for his kind at best!”
“Hahahaha! WAIT!” Elise cried as she crawled her way after the group. “HehehehHAHAHAHA-CAN’T BREATHE!”
“GOOD!” Dan shouted back.