//------------------------------// // Chapter 33 // Story: Refined Starlight in a Broken Vessel // by the-pieman //------------------------------// I cough, and Twilight hacks and wheezes. Waving my arms, I clear away the smoke, and see that we’re now in a different clearing, this time one with yellow-barked trees and blue leaves sprouting from vines. The surreal color palette is subdued, but still very unnerving, and I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. From behind me, there’s a faint rustling noise. Turning, I reach for the Vorpal blade, ready to draw it any moment. Another rustle comes, this one from my right, accompanied by one to my left. Chances are it’s something hunting us... but chances are also good that it’s Pinkie and Cadence pulling some sort of prank. I mean, the caterpillar said he’d send us to them and he hasn’t messed up so far... “Come on out before someone gets hurt.” I call, the rustling growing closer and circling us in two directions. A sudden feeling of weariness overcomes me. Calling shenanigans for what must be the hundredth time today, I focus on staying awake and grip the handle of the Vorpal blade, preparing to draw it at the slightest movement. Suddenly, the plants begin to wilt, and a draconian head takes shape, fluidly moving along the forest floor. “Greetings, person!” the head says, followed by a strange, flat-looking body, moving in waves like a sound visualizer or a wave machine. “Apt.” I reply. “I am a person, and depending on your definition of what a ‘person’ is, it could be said I’m one of very few.” I tighten my grip on the Vorpal blade just in case the thing was hoping for a meal rather than a chat. The thing zigs and zags, but doesn’t come too close. “A person is one who decides, though decisions are not what they are often given.” it says, continuing to circle around. As it does, another wave of exhaustion pours over me, and I see Twilight stumble in place as well. “Whatever, let’s cut to the chase. Or rather, before the chase. State your intention or I kill you before you kill me.” “To surround, to contain, to encapsulate.” the creature says. “All within my range, my field, my domain give me strength to choose and decide.” it continues to circle me, and I spot a thin groove in the ground from its passing... ahead of it. It’s marking out a specific area. “I adapt, I shift, I alter to maintain my continuance; my boundary is absolute.” it continues, and I see it’s about to touch its tail, having stretched slowly along its path as it continued to make circuits around me. I narrow my eyes, but they start to droop so I widen my glare. “Sorry pal, but I’m out of bounds. You want something you’ll have to look elsewhere.” “You stand in my range, within my power, and you cannot cleave me through.” “A-antho... ny...” Twilight whispers, and I realize she fell to the ground some time ago, and there’s a thin stream of magenta magic pouring from her horn into the ground, arcing to the boundary the dragon-thing has described. I grab Twilight and drag her to her feet and look for a way past the creature. “If I can’t cut you... maybe I can go through you.” I muster the strength to Spark up and go intangible, my goal to walk through the creature, but find that he still feels solid, even though I’m halfway through a bush right now. “I am possessed of all I contain; to use the power now mine against me is foolish.” it rises and forms a wall, head turning in a weird, almost second-dimensional way to look at me. So it has my powers... and Twilight’s magic I assume. How do I get myself out of this? I ponder that while I watch the creature circle us. Twilight isn’t standing anymore and is on the ground again. “So what’s your secret? Everything in this logic-forsaken land has something, a weakness or a fault. What’s yours?” “I am the Jerrymander, and I surround and take all within my reach. All upon the ground wither under my command, before I choose a new place to keep until it is depleted. The two of you will keep me longer than most, but I will be the person at the end; you will be the corpses.” it states, doubling back on itself, a sight that sets my teeth on edge and makes my stomach roil, because it does it entirely without intruding upon the third dimension, crossing itself, nor going over itself in any place. Still trying to think of a way out of this. Most things I can think of though require someone else being outside the circle, or me not being completely copied. Then again, it has my powers, but does it have everything? I summon some coal and form it into a thin sword and attempt to harry the creature. The coal blade cuts through it with surprising ease, and for a moment I feel elated, until I see the body flow together behind it, like something from the second Terminator movie, without injury. Twilight, from the ground gasps out something, and I turn my blurring vision to her. “O-over... g-over...” Okay, that makes a lot of sense, and yet none at all. But it is crazy enough to work, I just don’t have a lot of vertical movement. I can throw things though... I pick up Twilight as best I can, she weighs even more than she did before... I apologize in advance and toss her over the Jerrymander’s head, and she just sort of ragdolls to the ground, my throw being a little underpowered and both of us being rather out of it for a good landing. The Jerrymander makes a noise like a throttled teakettle, and pauses in its circulations. “How dare you? You have no more choices to make, you will cease and desist!” it demands, beginning to circle faster, forming taller, thicker humps and walls between me and the outside world, until a long branch with a vine tied to the end sneaks over the barrier, the vine trailing down to me, and the base of the branch overhead held in a soft, baby-blue glow. “Yeah... except you can’t steal things like willpower or intelligence, dumbass.” I groan as I grab the vine and start climbing it. I recognize the color of the magic as what Cadence used whenever she was levitating something. “Though some help a bit earlier would have been appreciated.” As I’m hauled out of the grasp of the screaming, incoherently angry Jerrymander, I feel my strength return to me, and I’m dropped atop a pink back, a shout of ‘go!’ bringing me back towards wakefulness. I grab ahold of a thick tangle of mane as my new steed takes off, and I feel myself wake up slowly. “Thanks for the save...” I say, stretching my back a bit. However Pinkie doesn’t have a whole lot of back space for me to do really anything, Pinkie carrying me on her back a rather odd feeling as I’d never ridden a horse before, much less one who’s small enough that my legs are dragging on the ground. I’m mainly wondering how I’m hanging on so well. “No problemerino! We had a buncha trouble finding a branch strong enough to hold you and long enough to reach over and still of a good grip, and we were thinking of tying me on and using me like a crane game claw but then you tossed Twilight out and so we just grabbed her and sent over the branch instead and sorry that took so long but we’d just gotten away from the Jerrymander too because the Princess can fly and he can’t stop anyone from just passing over him as long as they aren’t touching the ground.” I could’ve just jumped over him? Fuck. “So... I think I’ve had enough of this little vacation... So far everything wants to kill us or just make things difficult.” “It is, honestly, not as fun as I’d been hoping.” Cadence agrees, running along next to Pinkie as the two begin to slow down, Twilight woozily recovering on her back. “But very educational.” she says. “M’sorry...” Twilight says from Cadence’s back, eyes slowly clearing. “About what?” I ask. “Granted there’s plenty of things you should apologize for... just wondering which one you’re referring to.” “Shoulda... shoulda f-figgere’d it out... sooner...” she says, recovering quickly after her delay, and Cadence helps her down to the ground so she can try standing. “Trust me, you have a lot of answers, but not all of them. That said, when I mentioned making notes on the Wunderland Bestiary I meant it. That way we’d have a reference guide once we knew the thing’s name. If anything, you should be sorry for not listening to me instead.” “That is not helpful Anthony.” Cadence says, coldly. “Would have been if she remembered is all I’m saying. Half this stuff we come across gives us a name to use that we could be looking up.” “While that is true, it doesn’t mean she did something wrong by not listening to you.” “I never said that it was.” “Your tone says otherwise.” “Whatever! Are we going home or not?” “Well, we’ve actually been looking for a way home for a little while now; I’m guess you haven’t found one either, then?” she asks, looking concerned. “For the next four hours, the portal will be passing by the babbling brook, through the forest of slumbers, and over the hill of wonders.” I say, quoting the yellow caterpillar. Sure I’m being pretty smug but I did actually find us a way home, so I feel pretty smart for asking about it. “Question is, how many hours has it been? Wunderland time isn’t really very consistent.” “Well, you only showed up a few minutes ago, how long ago did you get the information?” Cadence asks. “Assuming the transportation was instantaneous, a couple minutes ago, right before we showed up.” “How did you get there, if I might ask? I mean, I didn’t see how you arrived, I only heard the Jerrymander start his thing again...” she says. I shrug. “See it’s weird because when I was told we were going to be sent to you, I thought the caterpillar meant literally right next to you or something. And yeah, caterpillar. A yellow one. We had to run an errand for a purple one first and... it’s a long story. My main questions are related to why we didn’t wake up in Granny Pie’s house.” Pinkie Pie gives an embarrassed-sounding chuckle. “Ah, that, er, might be a little tiny bit my fault. I said we came to experience Wunderland, and I think she might’ve tried to be helpful.” she blushes and rubs the back of her head. “Okay, your relative or not, she’s a native of Wunderland, and so far they’ve all been either deadly, painful, or just plain headaches. I think there’s a reason nobody comes here.” “Sorry.” Pinkie says. “Not your fault your granny took ‘experiencing Wunderland’ literally.” I say, getting off of Pinkie’s back. It really isn’t all that comfortable. Maybe that’s why saddles were a thing. “Anyways, anything safe we could do before we leave, or should we just head back to Canterlot now?” “Well... we should probably head back, given the hostility we’ve faced so far. I don’t want any of you getting hurt on my vacation.” Cadence says. “Not really much of a vacation after all, though. I don’t know about you, but I feel more stressed than before.” I reply, rolling my eyes. “I mean, I’ve had to fight for my life more often here than I have anytime else in my entire life.” Granted before coming to Terra I never had to fight for my life at all... but still. “Yeah... not entirely sure what I was expecting.” she says. “Anyways, let’s see about finding that brook. I’m not sure where it is though...” As she looks around unsurely, Twilight concentrates, and with a flash of light creates a sort of wireframe compass, which points in all directions for a moment, before settling in a single direction. “What’s in that direction?” I ask. “A bottle of rum that turns out to be empty?” “What? No, it’s a Directing spell, and it should point us towards the Babbling Brook. It only points us to where it is relative to us now, though, so we still need to get through or around anything between us and the Brook.” I shrug. “Fair enough. Alright, let’s get going then.” The three ponies nod and we all begin following the glowing compass, and it leads us towards some thick, oddly-shaped trees. As we go, I see Pinkie looking fearful, and taking quick, shallow breaths. “What’s wrong? I’m guessing these aren’t actual trees?” I look up to see the twisted, almost tumorous looking branches overhead. “Th-they are... but they’re tulgey.” she whispers almost theatrically, stepping closer to me until she’s nearly pressed against my leg like a frightened dog. “And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!“ I quote from the poems. “Yeah, we’re in trouble.” Pinkie nods, “J-just hope there’s no burbling...” she says. Twilight and Cadence, having been listening, are looking outward with concern from their point at the front of our little group. “We’ve got Vorpal blades.” I remind them all. “As long as it doesn’t get the drop on us, we’ll be fine. Just keep an eye and an ear out and we should be alright.” “So, uhm... what exactly is the sound of something burbling?” Cadence asks, looking around. “I mean, it’s a noise, right? Or is it something you do?” Her voice holds notes of fear in it, suppressed by her willpower, but only barely. “Well, it’s something you do but it makes a noise.” I explain. “Uh, well, bubbles in a boiling pot are sometimes described as burbling.” I suggest. “And the noises that babies make can be called burbling at times.” “It’s also a form of laughter.” comes the reply, and I nod. “That sounds plausible.” “It’s also sometimes used synonymously with the term ‘babble’ such as in a babbling brook. Though this being Wunderland if we come across something that babbles specifically, it would probably just be very talkative.” I pause my information coming to a realisation. “Wait, who made the ‘laughter’ comment?” “I did.” “Oh, alright.” I breath a sigh of relief, then twitch and turn towards the figure standing in the midst of the four of us, whom I hadn’t noticed until it spoke, voice feminine but tinged with notes of age. The figure is a stocky, solidly-built creature, body reminiscent of a pony’s, but with a dragon’s head and four mismatched limbs, like a caricature of Discord by someone who’d only heard he was a ‘hybrid of some kind’ and ‘looks kinda crazy’. The creature’s limbs aren’t just mismatched between four races, either, but rather changing species notably at every joint, and long, scorpion-like tail forms a spike-ended double curlicue. Eyes like blue fires burn inside the creature’s eyesockets as it turns to look towards me. “And I doubt you’re here to make friends.” I reply, my knees shaking a bit before I steel myself and reach for the Vorpal Blade. “Ah-ah-ah! We’ve only just met!” the creature responds, snapping two patchwork fingers, and the vorpal blades vanish from all four of us, at it unwinds, equine torso stretching unnaturally as it does so. “Now, before you assume I’m up to no good, why don’t we try introducing each other?” it says, grinning and giving a low, bubbly laugh. “Because so far, everything that wants conversation only uses it as a distraction to get an advantage on us.” I reply flatly. “Seriously, am I the only one who’s noticed this trend?” “Oh please, I already hold all the cards.” she says, holding up a handful of terrified card soldiers, all of them frantically trying to escape before she simply begins shuffling them. “I have no need to get an ‘advantage’ over you. Now, let’s get back to introductions; even I need some amount of order in my life! Here, you start human, introduce someone!” the dragon-headed monster’s grin is wide and full of teeth that refuse to match any other in her mouth. I roll my eyes and gesture to Twilight. “That’s Twilight Sparkle... but before we continue, how do you know what a human is?” “Terra is not the only land that borders this one, obviously.” the creature replies. Alright, Twilight Sparkle, you introduce someone else!” Twilight, looking very put-upon and scared, quails under the quite literal spotlight, and she stammers out, “Th-this is Pinkie Pie, and she’s an Earth pony?” Pinkie gives a nervous wave, but she doesn’t seem nearly as nervous as before. Once the jabberwock gestures at Pinkie to keep things going, Pinkie introduces Cadence, and Cadence introduces the jabberwock. “And now it’s my turn! Everyone, this is Ant-” I interrupt the creature when I hear the hard ‘t’ sound it’s making. “Don’t you fucking dare.” I hiss, fist flaming. “Ooh, sore subject?” she asks, burbling again. “Fine then, this is Anthony, the starborne-hero!” she says, “Now let’s find another game to play! I wouldn’t want to get bored.” at the word ‘bored’, a flicker of terrifying, almost-divine levels of hatred appears in her visage, startling even me, and the flames on my hand go out in surprise. “Alright, fine... what games do you know?” I ask cautiously, backing up and preparing for a hasty escape. “Oh I know a lot of games, but I want you to give me a game! Or else we play ‘hide and eat’.” I don’t doubt that wasn’t a mispronunciation of ‘hide and seek’. I turn to the ponies. “We need to come up with an easy game that’s over fast so we can get out of here, any ideas?” The question is mainly aimed at Pinkie, games kind of being her thing. “Well, there’s plenty of board games I know, but all of them are dangerous in Wunderland. Uhm... I mean, Tic-Tac-Toe is a good one, but I don’t know something like that will want to play it. Not enough pieces involved, too simple.” Pinkie says, looking uncomfortable. I then have an idea. “What’s the likelihood that we can get the thing too drunk to see straight?” “How would we do that though?” Cadence asks looking past me at the creature. “Drinking games. Humans have plenty of them. Usually they’re played like other games, but in the event that you fail you take a drink and keep playing. Usually the loser isn’t who loses the game but ends up either puking or unable to play through inebriation.” I explain, Twilight looking utterly baffled. “But, who would play a game where they could get drunk? I’ve heard ponies tell of experiences and it isn’t pleasant...” “I’ll explain human culture later, right now, let’s see if we can’t get this thing wasted.” I end the ‘huddle’ of sorts and turn back to the Jabberwocky. “Alright, I have a game. It’s called trivial pursuit. Only with a new rule. If you get an answer wrong, you have to take a drink.” I pause before adding a bit of clarification lest it find a loophole. “Of something alcoholic.” The jabberwock thinks for a moment, tapping its jaw with a forelimb. “Y’know, I’ve never heard of this one before... absolutely! I’ll even provide the drinks! Now, how do I win this game~?” I grin. “By getting more right answers than anyone else and not passing out from drinking too much. We have one person draw a card and read out the question. The players, excepting the ‘dealer’, must give an answer and any wrong answers mean the people who answered wrong have to drink.” “Oh! I love it already.” The jabberwock says, and settles in. “Shall we begin?” It asks, gesturing at a circle of chairs. There’s a keg next each chair, with a long crazy straw sticking out of each wooden top. In the center is a stack of cards with intricate, moving designs on the back, like printed gifs. The jabberwocky settles into a throne made of taffy and candy canes, twisted together into a vaguely chair-like shape. What’s eerie is that there’s little peppermint patty skulls dotting the throne. I turn to the ponies. “Alright, we decide who’s going to challenge the Jabberwock. Because if we all play then-” “Oh, you’re all playing.” The jabberwock interrupts, grin wide enough to not be fully on its face. “Well then, one of us has to be the designated card reader. We can’t have everyone drinking and end up letting a card be misread, that’s unfair and wouldn’t count.” The jabberwocky furrows its brows, then snaps it phalanges, and a Cheshire Cat appears, with gold and green stripes. “Cat. You will read the cards for this game, and I will fail to eat you.” The jabberwock says, putting the cat down in a small chair next to the stack of cards. The cat, looking utterly perturbed, nods. “Alright, then we’ll do it as teams. Predator versus prey. The ponies and I against the Jabberwock.” I take the ponies into a huddle one last time. “Okay, I don’t know how well you guys can hold your booze but we better hope that our combined tolerance outdoes the Jabberwock. Some questions will be easy, others won’t. We gotta play smart. Normally I’d suggest Twilight leads, but since unicorns supposedly have shit alcohol tolerance, we’re gonna have to stick with Pinkie and I, our metabolisms are pretty high and should burn it off.” “We don’t know what kinda alcohol is in there, Anthony, are you sure you wanna rely on that?” Pinkie asks, concern in her inflection. “No, he’s right; even if it’s magical, it should burn off more quickly in an earth pony’s system, and Anthony’s stellar nature should make him highly resistant. I just hope there’ll be plenty of questions about things I’ve studied. And Cadence should be nearly immune to even the magical stuff, if she keeps using magic.” I nod. “Yeah, these questions could range from sports scores to quantum physics. We just have to answer the questions as best as we can and get out of here when the Jabberwock can’t stand up, much less give chase. Okay, plan is set, let’s do this.” “Wait, sports? Nopony said anything about sports.” Twilight says, eyes wide. “I... I don’t know anything except what I’ve read.” I wince. “Answer as best you can. I couldn’t finagle a way to keep one of us from playing, so we’ll all have to hope we can last. Despite the possibility of questions being outside her range, I think Twilight has the best bet here even if she’s a unicorn. We need to play smart. Hell, cheat if you have to.” We all nod and break apart to take our seats at the table. I look at the keg for a label or any markings that might divulge what’s in it. Sadly, there’s nothing but the faint scent of honey in the air; maybe a mead-type alcohol? The cat clears his throat, looking around. “Well, if you’re all about ready to let me begin...” He sounds haughty and in control, in spite of everyone here knowing he’s not. “Which nonmagical terrestrial mammal has the longest gestation period?” He stares directly at Twilight when he asks this, evidently choosing her to make the first answer. Twilight is about to answer when I raise a hand. “Wait, Humans use the term ‘terrestrial’ to identify something from Earth, my home planet. Do you mean Terrestrial as in from the pony  homeworld or human?” “Neither, it means native to above-ground land, not the air, sea, or underground.” The cat says. I nod. “Well, I’m a bit rusty but I’m gonna say... African elephant.” I know it’s an elephant but I can’t remember the exact type. The cat looks down. “Yes, that is the answer on the card.” I sigh in relief. “Wait, no, it says ‘Zebrican elephant’. Take a drink.” Before I can contest this, the jabberwocky turns to look at me, and I take a sip from my crazy straw. Mmm, that’s mead alright. I feel the urge to complain that the difference between african and zebrican is entirely cultural and other such things, but I’d rather not make this take longer than needed. “Next question then.” I say, finishing off the sip of drink. It’s not that strong from what I can taste, but it’s good enough to want more meaning maybe it would sneak up on you. That’s a problem. “Well, ah, I’m next, then.” Cadence says, sitting to my left. The cat shuffles in place, and clears his throat again. “Now... hmm. Which actor played the main character in the 1990 film ‘Edward Scissorhands’?” It asks, turning towards the Jabberwock, who stares for a moment. “The what when what?” The immense, serpentine beasts asks, blinking. “I’ve never heard of the last three or four things in that question.” It says, sounding mildly upset, and its face its expression is growing cross. I ‘buzz in’ with, “Johnny Depp.” And get it right, forcing the Jabberwock into drinking.The creature grumbles unhappily, and the cat turns back to us. The girls look at me strangely. “How did you know that?” Twilight asks. “Are you kidding? That movie was part of my childhood!” Damn, now I’m thinking of home... “Uh... next question.” The next one is, ‘Kopi Luwak is a very expensive type of...?” I look around the table and shrug. I have no idea. Cadence however responds with ‘Coffee’ confusing me greatly. “Wait, there are ‘expensive brands’ of coffee like wine?” Cadence just smiles. “I may not be like most princesses but I know plenty about what costs the most and what doesn’t. You don’t stay rich without being frugal after all.” I chuckle “Tell that to Canterlot.” “I know, right?” Cadence laughs and the cat coughs to get our attention. “That answer is right. Turn passes to the predator team... of one. Your question is ‘The use of reflected sounds to locate objects is known as what?’” “Oh, that’s easy. Echolocation.” The Jabberwock says. “Very well. Back to the prey team. Your question is ‘what is the term for an irrational fear of clowns?’” “Coulrophobia is not irrational!” I argue. “Clowns are fucking disturbing and everyone knows it.” “I would have accepted ‘rational’ as an answer.” The cat responds, turning towards the Jabberwock. “Your question is: ‘what is the capital of Equestria?’” The jabberwock answers “‘Everfree City’.” Twilight coughs and all eyes turn towards her. “Actually, it’s taught that since the princesses have moved out of the Everfree forest that the current capital is Canterlot. That should be the right answer if the cards are up to date.” The cat consults the card and nods. The jabberwock growls. “Not fair! I haven’t left Wunderland in nearly a thousand years!” But grudgingly swallows a gulp of alcohol. I grin. “If The cards know Johnny Depp is the lead actor of Edward Scissorhands then it’s obvious they’re not only current, but multidimensional.” I turn to Twilight and whisper. “Which means I can answer most Earth questions, but we could run into a question about a fictional world too.” Twilight nods, biting her lip. “We’ll just have to hope we can answer enough to outlast the Jabberwock.” “The next question, for the prey team, is: ‘Duck-Billed platypi are native to which planar junction?’“ I look to Twilight. “I have no idea what he means by planar junction. Does he mean the specific galactic designation, or something else?” Twilight shakes her head. “No, it refers to which plane of existence or elemental plane it’s native to; think of junctions as nations on a continent. And if I remember my summoning classes correctly, platypi of all three kinds are found in a junction between the air, water, and lightning elemental planes, and the one for chaos... argh, but I can’t remember the name! I never could summon them...” “You don’t have to summon one for real, just remember the lesson.” I plead. As good as the stuff is, I don’t want to drink if I don’t have to. Cadence suddenly bursts out, “Stralum!” And the cat nods. She sighs. “I only remembered because I had one as a familiar during high school.” She explains. “Cadence, why do I get the feeling you have the most interesting history of all of us? Jabberwock included.” I say, looking to the alicorn and grinning. She blushes, and humbly denies it. I don’t buy it. Duck-billed platypus as a familiar? In High school? Closest thing I had to a familiar in high school in the first place was maybe a friend or two who were just barely dumber than me. “Next question for the predator team is ‘What is a baby rabbit called?” Before it can make a good comment, the word ‘delicious’ slips from its lips, and it slaps it appendages over its mouth. The cat shakes its head, and the jabberwock takes an angry gulp from its keg. I laugh. I thought this would be hard, but so far it’s no problem! “Next question.” “Indeed. The next question is, Who played the fictional anti-hero Deadpool in the 2016 live-action movie on iterations Y217 to Ipsilon884?” I stand bolt upright and slam  my hands on the table. “There’s a Deadpool movie!?” I grab the cat and start begging for details. “Aaand there goes our chance of getting the answer...” Cadence mutters as I shake the feline for information. However, he doesn’t seem to know, and eventually just slashes my hands, making me drop him. The twin sets of clawmarks are bleeding freely, and the princess has to cast a spell to get it to stop. I’m not very deterred though. A Deadpool movie? And I missed it!? Wait... Myrna is from ‘16, maybe she saw it! I have to ask when I get back. Oh my god a Deadpool movie! I hug myself in excitement. No matter the cost, I have to see it! My thoughts are interrupted by the Cheshire Cat’s next question for the Jabberwock. “How many furlongs are in a mile?” “Eight” comes the immediate answer, before I can even contemplate the question. “Well then, here’s the next question: What does the acronym ‘DNA’ stand for?” I reply with “Deoxyribonucleic acid.” At the exact same time Twilight does, and we share a grin, Pinkie and Cadence just looking vaguely confused. “Maybe you are as smart as you say you are.” I snipe. “I’m at the top of my class in the best school the best-educated country in the world can offer; of course I’m as smart as I say.” She replies. “Yeah... for a pony.” Cadence stares knowingly at us. “We’re in the middle of a game, you two can kiss later. Or now, I’m not picky.” I’m about to protest but I’m interrupted by the cat’s next question. “Which actor that once played James Bond previously competed in the Mr. Multiverse bodybuilding competition?” “Oh, that would be that-” the jabberwocky licks its lips, “delicious mr. Connery fellow~” the way it says his name makes me want to peel my skin off, then take a cold shower made of bleach and hydrochloric acid... Either way, the question is answered correctly and turn passes back to us. I think it’s been a few hours now and we’re all still standing, though Twilight is the first to be looking a little frazzled as expected. There’s more cards in the ‘used’ pile than there is in the draw deck, and I’m starting to feel a buzz. If the Jabberwock is giving any signs of being drunk it’s not showing clear enough for me to see. Same goes for Cadence. Pinkie finally had to take a drink and at tasting the mead began answering questions wrong on purpose just to take more drinks. How she’s still not tipsy I have no fucking clue. Looking up with my vision swimming slightly, I see that the jabberwock is answering another question, but no longer has that eternally smug grin on its face. Her face, really, the voice is feminine and she acts like a girl so I think it’s a lady... or something close to one, anyways. Turn passes to us and the cat gives the question. “What is the term for the distance around a circular object?” “Uh... circ-something... wait... I got it...” I pause to think and the fog in my head clears temporarily. “Cir... cumf... erence.” Twilight just nods, swaying a bit. Guess we’re a bit more out of it than I thought. I then get an idea. I spark up and... I was gonna... oh yeah, literally burn off energy by generating electricity and releasing it into the ground. The first few thousand volts take a while to generate and I can tell the amperage is lacking, but I should be a lot better when... I... stop... okay... bad idea, just... tired now. “As nice as... as that light show was... I do believe I’m still... winning.” My opponent says. “In your dreams...” I reply. “I can keep going longer than you can. Come on, next question.” “Another for math. The fourth dimensional continuation of the line, square, cube progression is called a...?” “A mega... no an ultra... uh... itsa cubey thingy, but moreso.” The Jabberwock says, swaying alarmingly to one side as she tries to tilt her head for thinking, before finishing. “A hypercube! That’s it.” She smiles broadly, and I have to admit, she’s got a nice... linear-ness to her. Kinda cute, if she didn’t wanna eat me. “It’s... called a-a tesseract.” Twilight mumbles just loud enough to be heard. “Tha’s the... the actu’l word... right?” Okay, Twilight slurring like that is pretty funny. The cat looks over the card. “Both are listed as answers, so both I suppose.” He sighs and rubs his face. “Y’know, I would like to go home eventually, can one of you pass out already?” He asks, though he reaches for another card all the same as the Jabberwocky leers at him lopsidedly. “Maybe if someone magicked up a stronger drink...” Cadence says, the least wobbly of all of us. “Though I’m not complaining. Usually it takes several gallons of red wine to get me where I am now.” I chuckle. “Shit girl, I’d expect you to balloon up before you keel over...” “Moving hastily along...” The cat replies dryly, before reading the next card. “The three continents of Terra are Equus, Zebrica, and what?” Twilight looks like she’s concentrating hard, apparently math being the only subject on her clouded mind. I can practically hear the gears turn in her head and man are they rusty. But she answers. “Uh...” Or she’s about to mess up badly. She blinks, then starts laughing. “Izz Wunderland!” She yells, grinning triumphantly. “No.” The cat replies, and Twilight blinks. “Wunderland is considered an extradimensional location, not a continent. The correct answer is Eupora.” She nods, then sucks up some more of her drink. Immediately afterward, she looks at me, completely cross-eyed, and tips over off her chair. She hits the ground snoring. “And the unicorn goes down!” I yell, going for a sharpie when I recall I don’t have one. “Who’s... who’s got a marker?” “Next question.” The cat says, being an utter killjoy. As I sigh, he rattles off “Gymnophobia is the fear of...?” Cadence scrunches her face. “Oooh, I know this one... is it our turn right now?” She asks, looking around with bright, but booze-filled eyes. “No, it’s team predator’s turn.” The cat informs us. Guess she’s more tipsy than she looks. “That means the Jabberwock.” At the name, the creature opposite us looks like it was just called on in class and hadn’t studied. I know that look. I’ve seen it on school kids right before they bullshit their way to an answer. “Er... the fear of... of... exercise equipment?” She posits, looking a combination of crushed and angry when the cat shakes his head. “Iznudes!” Cadence yells gleefully. “Scarda nudeys.” She says, smiling and faceplanting into her own keg, earth pony toughness resulting in smashed wood and alcohol going everywhere as she begins to snore in the most adorable way possible. I kinda wanna just snuggle her right now, maybe go to sleep too... The Jabberwock takes a drink and I’m reminded of my mission. If I fall asleep, it’s all up to Pinkie, who is wobbling, and not in the ‘I have tons of energy’ way she usually does. If we lose, we get eaten. Gotta win this. Come on, it’s about time we got an easy question for me... “Who originally used the line ‘keep watch, true believers’ on Earth?” “Stanley something...” I say. “No, wait. Stan Lee... his whole name is like a big first name...” “Er... yes, that is it. Now for your next question... what is the term for the distance from the center of a circle to its perimeter?” The cat asks. The Jabberwocky, who has done pretty poorly on any question requiring linear thinking, pauses. “Uhm... the... the diameter?” She guesses, and has to take another drink. Almost immediately, she begins to topple over in slow motion. “Ooh, I think I’ve... had one too... too many...” She mutters, and slowly falls limp on the ground, snoring in a surprisingly gentle manner. I stand up, and have to spend a few moments gaining my balance and I lean over to Pinkie. “Come on... we gotsta... get us outta here before it wakes up...” “Okie dokie lokie...” Pinkie salutes and giggles a bit as she goes over to Twilight and hoists the unicorn onto her back, I do my best to carry Cadence over my shoulder but it’s difficult so I switch to just carrying her in my arms like a rabbit. I need to find a way to sober up... I turn to the cat. “Hey... got anything for-” I look around, but the cat is nowhere to be seen. “Damnit. Guh... How long has it been?” “Long enough...” Pinkie says, giggling at her vague answer. Yeah. I figure we missed the portal at the brook. Gonna have to track it down some other way. No ideas come to my rather foggy mind though. “Heya, y’wanna just wander off a ways an’, idunno, just set up camp overnight?” She suggests. I want to protest, say we have no idea where we might be when we wake up but I’m too tired to argue, and agree to Pinkie’s plan. I’m not particularly tired honestly, but I am dizzy and I get the feeling like my judgement is not going to be that stable and I figure a nap before the hangover hits would be a good idea. We find a place outside the tulgey forest to set up camp and Pinkie and I set down our passengers and lay down. “So... whatcha wanna do ‘fore we tired enough to sleep?” She comes over and snuggles with me in answer, curling up next to me and smiling. “I’m fine with just being here, for now.” Her breath smells like honey and peppermint, and her eyes close moments before mine.