“Crystal, wait! Please!” I cried after her as I galloped out into the lush green gardens of the temple grounds. My heart beat in my chest as all of the repressed memories swirled around in my head. It made it difficult to focus as horrific images flashed across my vision.
As a stroke of luck, my beloved mare was not subtle in her flight. The frenzied escape was obvious in the deeper-than-normal hoof prints on the ground. I chased after them as fast as I could manage. The experience had left me weak and disoriented.
The trail led to where the garden was darkest. This was the area filled with densely packed trees with low-hanging fronds and thicker brush. Knowing where one ended and the other began was difficult. That made the trail harder to get past but easier to follow. It was clear where the frightened mare had crashed through.
As I pushed past another bunch of shrubbery, I caught sight of her ahead. The white of her coat stuck out against the greenery. Her head was hanging low as she sobbed. It was a heartbreaking image.
“Crystal, I—”
Her head shot up and she held out a forehoof. “Don’t come any closer.”
The words cut me deeper than any wound I’d ever received in combat. My stomach sank and it felt like somepony was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t give up though. I took a few trembling steps closer.
My right forehoof landed in something wet and slick. I looked down and wrinkled my nose at the smell. Evidently, Crystal had gotten sick.
“I told you not to come any closer,” she said weakly.
As gracefully as I could, I wiped my hoof off on the grass and took another two steps towards her. “Crystal…”
“Was it all true? Were those the nightmares or is that who you are?”
Lie. Just lie. She’ll feel better if you do. “That isn’t who I am… but it wasn’t the nightmares. It happened. All of that happened.” Or don’t lie, that is a tactic, too.
A sickened look crossed her face and she had to close her eyes. “It’s horrible. How could you…” She trailed and wiped her eyes with a hoof. “No. That’s war, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“You’re very good at it.”
I winced. “Yes.”
She swallowed. “When we read about Dread Knight in the papers and felt pride… when we celebrated victory… when we rejoiced in the defeat of the Sudramoar army… this is what we were extolling? Slaughter without mercy?”
I stepped closer to her, reaching out a hoof. “I did what was necessary to get home.”
Crystal backed away from me. “I know. I know. I didn’t know.” Her head just shook. “I didn’t know you were capable of these things. Ponies shouldn’t be capable of these things.”
My hoof slowly lowered. What could I say? I was very capable and did those things. Repeatedly. How cruel. The skill I’d used to get home could result in the loss of the very thing that motivated me to do so.
We stood there in silence. Crystal wouldn’t look at me. I couldn’t look away.
“Silent Knight,” came the soft voice of Exemplar Ferrel as she approached from the direction we’d come. “We must speak.”
“Not now,” I said without looking back at her.
“I must insist. My estimates on when your services would be required were, perhaps, a bit too generous. It is important that you and I speak.” She came to my side. The memory crystal floated in front of her. It was as black as a starless sky. What had she said of the others like this? Bad memories.
Anger surged through me and I snatched it out of the air. “I said not now! Can’t you see what is happening here? She’s leaving! The only reason I did what I did was to come home to her and she’s leaving!
“I don’t care about prophecies or destinies. I don’t care about any of it! All right? I quit. Find somepony else. All I want is to live a normal life like anypony else! So, no, Exemplar. We most certainly don’t need to talk.”
The blonde unicorn’s head tilted, my rage seemingly lost on her. Her head bobbed and she replied, “Very well. Perhaps another time. Good day.” Without another word she trotted back into the forest.
When I turned my attention back to Crystal, she was lying on the ground, her back to me. “Crystal. Crystal, I didn’t want to be good at this. I never asked for this… it was just how I was made. It isn’t all there is to me. You know that, right?”
“You have an appointment to go to. Don’t be late,” she said softly.
“What? Are you serious? I’m not leaving you.”
She took a deep breath. “And I’m not leaving you. Go to your appointment. I’ll see you at home later.”
See me at home later? After this? How could I believe that? How could I just go? No. It wouldn’t be that easy. It took all of my effort to hold my composure. I was angry and hopeless at the same moment. “Promise,” I whispered.
“What?”
I gritted my teeth, keeping the anguish and pain from my voice. Just be steady, Silent. “Promise you’ll see me at home tonight. Don’t just say you will and never show up. If this is going to be the last time I see you, I don’t want our last words to each other to be a lie.”
Crystal shifted to her hooves and looked at me. Her makeup was running everywhere and her cheeks were stained with tears. “I promise I’ll see you at home later tonight. Now go to your appointment.”
I slowly backed away from her, too frightened to look from where she was lest she disappear. Eventually, that became impossible and I was forced to turn and leave. She’d promised. Crystal wouldn’t lie, not to me. She’d be there. She had to be there… but what if she wasn’t?
☾
I sat in Mindful Soul’s office, shivering. My stomach was a mess and I couldn’t focus on what we were doing. The dark crystal was clutched in one hoof while the Azurite plush was held carefully in the other. She’d squeak if I held her too tight. She’d done nothing wrong, so squeezing her would be unfair.
Mindful Soul had taken careful notes while I had explained what happened. I’d stopped talking a few minutes back and she was just sitting there going over the details. It was making me very nervous. She was supposed to be helping, not staring at paper.
Finally, she looked up and broke the silence. “Major, in most instances I’d say what you just told me was a delusion. In your case, I imagine it is almost wholly accurate given your association with alicorns, unicorn priestesses, and the happenings of our world far beyond what the average pony will ever dream of, much less see.
“This goes well beyond the scope of your normal treatment and changes things significantly. I’ll be frank and say that I have several concerns here. We can’t just treat this as a normal session. Before we go on, I’m going to send for your sister.”
“Why?”
The mare got up and came over to me. “I feel you’ll need her support while we sort this out. The last thing you need to be right now is alone. I want you to just sit here and try to calm down as best you can, all right?”
“All right.”
She motioned to the door. “I’m just going right there to talk to my assistant. You’re not alone. Just give me a minute.” Mindful softly patted me on the head and then went over to the door she’d indicated. She opened it and only stuck her front half out. Whatever she said to her assistant was whispers.
It was barely a few minutes before she came back and settled across from me. “I’m sure your sister will be along shortly. As you know, her office is not far from here. Until then, let’s talk this through. I know you’re sensitive about being Dread Knight. You certainly are very upset about your wife learning more about that part of your life. Can you explain why?”
“It isn’t obvious?” I asked.
“Is it? Let's say it is. That isn’t really the point of the exercise. The point is for you to get it out. You’ve just told me you relived numerous events that were so horrible you’d blocked them out. Repressing such a thing is not healthy. Now that you’ve been forced to accept them, we can start working on them.
“Imagine it as if you’re taking the ill feelings from where you’re hiding them inside and giving them to the world. Put the fear into words. Define it and then share the burden with everypony. That is how we proceed.”
Share the burden? Give it up? That would certainly be nice if it were so easy. My eyes were drawn to the black crystal and the words started falling from my mouth with ease. “I’m worried that no matter what I do, no matter how I grow, or how sorry I am, ponies will never forgive me. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done some horrific things, and now my wife has seen them. What if she can’t forgive me?
“What if other ponies can’t forgive me? I just did my duty. I just did what a soldier was meant to do. Ponies don’t understand that, though. They were never meant to. Do they even really understand what was asked of us? What it takes to win?”
Mindful Soul’s head bobbed in a soft nod. “Are you really worried about ponies or just Crystal Wishes?”
“Both… but I could get by with her. It just… this isn’t fair. I volunteered to be a guard and they forced me to be a soldier! So I was a soldier and I was good at it! Why do I feel like this? I just did my job!” I was shouting. When had I started shouting?
If it fazed the mare, she didn’t show it in the least. “No, I’m afraid it wasn’t fair. Life isn’t always fair, though. You know that better than most ponies. You haven’t been sheltered. You did it for them.”
“And I regret it. All of it.”
“That is your right. Regret or not, you did your duty. There should be some pride in that.”
“Pride doesn’t make for a happy home. My father had a lot of pride and all he got out of it was two children that think ill of him. Although I’m starting to understand him better now.”
“Oh? You think that perhaps there was something to his methods?” Mindful Soul asked as she picked up her notebook.
“His methods? No. At least I understand, though. If he felt like this all the time… it’s awful. I just want my life to go back to the way it was. Before the war, before Dread Knight, and before that stupid gryphon king decided it was worth killing thousands over some mountains.”
Mindful idly scratched some notes down. “We can’t do that, Silent Knight. That isn’t possible. You can either live your life longing for what you perceive lost or you can fight to find out what you still have. Only you can make that decision.”
Only me. Why was it always up to me? “What if I’m not strong enough?”
“I suspect you are and that you’ll have the support you need if you make the decision. You need to move forwards, Silent Knight. Put one hoof in front of the other.”
“And if she leaves me, what’s the point in doing that?”
Mindful’s ear flicked. It was subtle. It was barely anything. She closed her notebook. “Family, friends, and other ponies that love you. A whole life yet unlived. Experiences… good ones. You’re too young of a pony to ask that question.”
There was a soft knock at the door. “Excuse me. I’ll just be right over there. You’re not alone.”
She got up once again and stuck her front half out of the door. Once again there were hushed conversations between herself and whoever was out there. It was maddening to know it was about me and yet I was being tre—
“WHAT!” Winterspear exclaimed.
There was a light scuffle as Mindful Soul tried to keep herself wedged in the door and Winterspear successfully pushed past her and stumbled into the room.
“Warrant Officer, this quite inappropriate.”
Winterspear trotted over to me and looped her hooves around my neck. She nestled her cheek to mine. “You’re going to be okay.”
Mindful Soul cleared her throat. “Our session isn’t complete, Warrant Officer. I sent for you so you’d be here as soon as we finished and made the arrangements for Silent Knight.”
What arrangements? What was she talking about?
“Arrangements will not be necessary and I think this session is over, doctor. He isn’t going to want to hear about positive visualizations and sunny horizons today. You can save that for tomorrow. I’m going to take him home.”
“That isn’t wise. If his wife isn’t there, the consequences could be significant. Dire, in fact.”
Winterspear’s eyes narrowed. “She’ll be there.”
“You can’t know that and I have a duty to his health and wellbeing.”
“I can and I do! She’s my sister-in-law and I know her. She’ll be there. I have a duty to my brother to do what I think is best for him and this is what is best. He can’t sit overnight wondering whether she is there or not.”
Winterspear grabbed my hoof. “Come on, Silent, we’re going home. You can come back tomorrow for your appointment.”
“Warrant Officer Winterspear, I really must protest. This is highly inappropriate. I don’t want to pull rank here. Taking him home is not the right thing to do. You’re not being objective.”
My sister turned, fire in her eyes. “You listen here. He’s my little brother. My blood. You may be the best in general, but I’m the best when it comes to him.
“Objectivity or not, I know him! So report me or don’t but we’re not going to take him to some watch site for observation. I’m taking him home to be with his wife. She’ll be there.”
Watch site? I held Winterspear’s hoof tightly. It kind of hurt a little. That was probably the crystal jammed between us. I set the Azurite plush down on the pillow. “I want to go home. I refuse whatever it was you were planning.”
“You don’t have that authority, Major. I’m sorry. I’m legitimately trying to do what I feel is best for you at this moment. If your wife is not at your home, it will be devastating and you’re not in a state to handle that right now.”
“I believe you,” I replied and then nudged Winterspear. “Take me home. If she’s not there, we’ll go wherever she was planning to send me.”
“Okay.” Winterspear tugged my hoof and the two of us headed for the door.
“This is foolish. You’re letting emotion guide you,” Mindful said.
“And you’re letting the absence of it force a round peg into a square hole,” Winterspear replied before pushing the door open and trotting out with me.
Once we were on the street, I looked over at her. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
We held hooves tightly as we trotted towards my quarters. “What if she’s not there?”
“She will be.”
“What if she isn’t?”
“She will be.”
I guess Winterspear was determined. “What about your career?”
“Slap on the hoof. My record is spotless. I’ll claim I was emotionally compromised. Which is true. If you were any other patient and Crystal was any other mare, I probably just did the wrong thing.”
“How can you be so sure about her?” I asked.
“Your wife had to become a very strong mare with you gone. If it wasn’t for her, a lot of ponies would have suffered. She didn’t go through all of that to give up on you when you were this close. So stop thinking about it. She’s there. She’ll be there.”
“Okay.” A very strong mare? Her letters were strong but what had she been up to? Usually she just talked about her work, our love, and what I was doing. I’d perhaps taken for granted what was happening in her life.
I could ponder it later, though. Winterspear was trotting with a purpose and practically dragging me along. I was full of fear. She clearly wasn’t.
We arrived at my old quarters in record time and my stomach turned. What if she wasn’t inside?
Winterspear used her key and opened the door. She paused only a moment, stepped out of the way, and whispered, “Told you.”
I peeked inside. Crystal was sitting on the couch looking extremely nervous. Her eyes were fixed on me.
“May I come in?”
“Of course. This is your home, too,” she said.
Winterspear cleared her throat. “I’ll be right outside if anypony needs me.” She then pushed me inside and closed the door.
“You… uh… are you okay?” I asked, keeping my distance.
“As best as can be expected for living two years’ worth of violence in the span of seconds. Will these memories stay in my head? Do you know?”
“I’ve only had it happen once before. They’re like any memories. They fade the further you get away from them.”
Crystal shifted on the couch. “I’d like to be further away from them. That is all I can see right now. Me doing those awful things… as you. I can smell the blood still.”
“Crystal… honey… I wish you’d never seen them. Not for my sake but because nopony should. That is what war looks like, though. On the battlefield, when everything is chaos, all you have is your strategy and your sword.
“You have to fight hard and to survive. For yourself, for your fellow soldiers, and for your loved ones back home. And when you’re not doing that, all you can think about is what you’ll do after the war. I did it for you.”
My wife’s hoof came up. “Please. Please don’t say that. I don’t want to be associated with these horrors. You did what was necessary to get home. You kept your promise. That is what you did that for me. Okay?”
I suddenly felt smaller. “Okay.”
“You need to write a letter to Princess Luna right away.”
“Huh? Why?” A sudden change of subject. It was somewhat appreciated, but it left a lot of questions between us.
“The nightmare. You saw it, right? Surely those flaming Night Mares weren’t from the war. Please tell me that, at least, wasn’t real.”
“It wasn’t.”
“Thank Celestia. Well… now I remember it, too. You need to write her and we can tell her everything we can about it. To help her. That was the point of this, right? We need to get something positive out of it.”
“Oh, right, but…”
Crystal slipped off the couch and trotted over to me. She set a hoof on my chest. “Whatever you did, it doesn’t matter to me. It isn’t going to change us and you can’t be afraid of that. I promise you that I’m not going to abandon you because you did your duty… I’m just… I’m sorry, I’m horrified by it.”
I slipped my hoof over hers. “If it helps at all, so am I.”
She halfway smiled. “It does help. If you weren’t, I’d be worried. I’m going to need some time. I hope you understand that. It is painful to see the pony you love in such a different light… but I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Now go get your sister. I’m going to start dinner and try to figure out ways to escape these memories. I just keep seeing it over and over…”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered before leaning a little closer to her. Crystal stiffened slightly but I placed a soft kiss on her cheek. Some of the tension left her but not all of it. There was a distance now. A painful one. That was the reality of war. It just takes. Takes, takes, and takes. When will it take the last bit? When will what I owe finally be paid?