I boop Queen Chrysalis on the nose.
She giggles.
I boop Queen Chrysalis on the nose.
She sticks her tongue out in playful glee.
I boop Queen Chrysalis on the nose.
She giggles again.
Repeat ad nauseam. Unless you’re enjoying this as much as I am.
Even so, there's more than likely a particular question you feel like asking me, as I give the Queen of The Changelings another boop on the nose.
How did I get here?
How did I end up in this situation to begin with? How did I, with all of my research, university degrees, and years of knowledge, find myself prodding the nose of a fearsome changeling Queen, who turns into an adorably amused little filly at each successive boop? Actually, you don't know about my education, so all that stuff about degrees and research wouldn't be a part of your question.
Well, if you have the patience, I’ll tell you how I got into this little tizzy of a tale.
Upon ending up in this magical world, all I could see, hear and feel was the assaultive rain, the booming thunder, the blinding lightning, and the slippery ground beneath me. All elements for an unfortunate tumble that can lead to something worse. See, I did not reside in Equestria, but from an alternate world called Earth, a name in which the ponies of this world like to scoff at, since it’s synonymous with dirt.
I was chosen as the zoologist for a research expedition that was meant to travel to a newly opened portal. The scientists liked to call it the “Stargate,” based off of that movie and tv series, but that’s neither here nor there. I jumped at the opportunity to go. Another world with potentially different lifeforms? Who wouldn’t jump at the chance? Despite my enthusiasm, I decided to calm myself by watching a bunch of cheesy science fiction movies where the smart people did really stupid things and were rewarded by a gruesome demise. I made notes so that I wouldn’t befall such a horrible fate.
The day of the expedition arrived, and I was joined by two scientists, a linguist, a geologist, and a couple of soldiers, just incase there was any trouble. When we stepped through, it was only me that fell into this other world. No one else was next to me, or even near me. I was all alone in this scary place.
That is, until I ran into the creature that I am currently amusing.
Before I was hit by a rockslide caused by the storm, I was dragged into a darkened cave by a then unseen rescuer. It was after I addressed my gratitude, that she revealed herself as this black, insect style creature, that reminded me of a horse. I almost thought of her as a horse bug, up until she referred to herself as a changeling. Not just a changeling, but a changeling Queen. Wow, not a few minutes into this world, and I had already met royalty.
My enthusiasm was short lived, as she threatened to kill me if I cross her in any way. She was so close; with her sharp looking fangs waiting to bite me the first chance they get. I had to do something to make her trust me. I never thought to cross her even once; especially since she saved me from a terrible fate, so I had to let her know that I wasn’t a threat.
The way she moved, the way she slithered along the ground with silent steps, she reminded me more of a cat than a bug or a horse. It is with that knowledge that I did the unthinkable.
When she got close to me again, I booped her on the nose.
For those not in the know, booping is the act of pressing one’s finger to the nose of the one close to you. It’s a technique that works mainly on cats, as a signal of trust; that you mean no harm, and that you are a friend. I don’t know if I wanted to be this Queen’s friend, but I was fairly open to the idea, as she showed great intelligence.
It was the boop that shook the world. The instant I did it, she cooed and relaxed at my touch. She asked me what I did, but even when I explained it to her, she was sure that I used a spell. It was then that she chose to leave me alone, after I booped her on the nose a few more times, of course. No more threats, not more gnashing of the teeth. She even told me her name once the sun arose and we left the cave together; Queen Chrysalis.
That was a few months ago. I came to learn all about Equestria, and the creatures that inhabit it. No humans in sight, just talking ponies and changelings, with the occasional minotaur and dragon. I was shocked, to be sure, but after a couple weeks of studying by the more intrepid ponies of the aptly named town of Ponyville, including one Princess named Twilight Sparkle, they saw me as a friend, which was nice. I wasn’t going to spoil their generosity, and welcomed their friendship, as they were big on that.
I don’t know what happened to the others that went with me. The rulers of the land, a Princess Celestia and a Princess Luna, informed me through letters that there were no other human sightings. I wonder if they just fell through the other side, and didn’t go anywhere.
I still miss my friends, though. I miss my family. I miss….
“Why did you stop?” Queen Chrysalis interrupts my thoughts. “You’re not done, yet!”
“Sorry.” I blush in embarrassment, continuing my booping.
Queen Chrysalis visits me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, each time with a look of stress on her face. The only thing that calms her is my booping. Each press against her muzzle causes her to laugh in delight, and occasionally stick her tongue out at me in faux protest. The fearsome Queen becomes awfully cute in this state, but I make sure not to tell her that, as she’s not the biggest fan of such compliments. She likes compliments like beautiful or gorgeous, but telling her that she’s gorgeous for sticking her tongue out at me doesn’t seem right.
That laugh is really nice though. I like the way she talks. It’s like two voices going off at once. Very otherworldly, very science fiction.
I could be outside; studying the animal life, but this is fine, too. After all, Queen Chrysalis is a changeling. She can transform into other creatures, even objects like rocks. She tells me that she has an army she created herself. She’s given me a lot of research material. She also shows up at my house as a different pony, because of some altercation years back that made others fear her, and she didn’t want to draw attention. I’ll ask her about that later, when she feels more comfortable talking about her past.
“And….” I boop her one last time. “One hundred.” I set my arm down.
“Already?” Queen Chrysalis looks at me, her ears downward, almost disappointed that we reached the maximum amount of boops for the day. “That went by quickly.”
“How are you feeling?” I ask her.
“Much better, thank you.” The Queen’s kind gratitude is something I didn’t expect when I first heard it a couple months ago. During the first booping sessions, she would nod and leave, which was fine, but once she started saying ‘thanks,’ I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me the least bit pleased.
“That’s good to hear. Sorry that you’ve been so stressed, lately.”
“Oh, it’s nothing of your doing, I assure you. My army can be quite rambunctious and hard to control. Like little children. Well, they are my children, but I expect more order out of them.”
“I’m sure you’ll work things out.”
“Yes, but then the next batch will come, and the next. My armies stretch far and wide, and I must cover more ground.” Queen Chrysalis sighs, deep in thought. “Maybe I should withhold having so many children, and work with what I have.”
“If that what makes you comfortable.”
“Help me out here.” Queen Chrysalis scoffs at my lack of aid for her problem. “If you think I shouldn’t have anymore children, you should just say so.”
“I don’t think it’s my place to tell you. You’re a Queen, so you know better than I. Far be it from me to tell you what to do with your body.”
“My…my body.” Queen Chrysalis looks at me with a shocked expression. “You don’t think that my children come from…me, do you?”
“You…never actually told me where your children come from. I always thought that you laid eggs or something.”
“I…I…” Queen Chrysalis is about to say something, but then a large stream of laughter leaves her, causing her to hold her side in both pain and hilarity. “Oh, my…I never told you how…” she laughs some more. “Forgive me, I’ve been so silly. I don’t give birth to the changelings. I create larvae using my magic. The cave I reside in helps them develop quickly, due to the dark and damp walls. All this time, and I never told you. Please, my apologies.”
“No…problem…” I look at her, confused. “Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re being…really nice. Like….REALLY nice. Normally, you would make fun of me, or be dismissive when I tell you about my days without you. Is something the matter?”
“Oh…well…” her eyes scan me up and down, “You need to comb your hair. It looks like you have an extreme case of bedhead. Also, your shirt needs pressing, and you can never call me nice ever again.”
“That’s better, if only just a bit.” I chuckle. “As for your predicament, I’d say you should take care of the army that you have now. If you feel that raising an army again and again is so stressful, you should take a bit of a break from making more and focus on the current army.” Giving her advice sounds really weird, but it does have a potential benefit. “You really have to show me your army, sometime. I would love to get some research on your culture.”
“Perhaps. Depends on what kind of mood I’m in.” she smirks. “Thank you for the advice. It gives me something to think about.”
RUSTLE RUSTLE
Go the bushes outside my house. Both Queen Chrysalis and I look to the window, and see the bushes rustle some more.
“You saw that, right?” I ask.
“I did. You aren’t going mad…yet.”
Suddenly, the front door BURSTS open, revealing an action ready Princess Twilight Sparkle, pointing a hoof at Queen Chrysalis in a threatening manner.
“YOU!” she says loudly, almost like a bellow. “Get away from him!”
“Never!” Queen Chrysalis lets out a terrifying hiss, which even gives me pause, before…
“Hold it! Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I get between them, holding my hands up. “Let’s not fight in the house!”
“She’s evil!” Princess Twilight exclaims, “She tried to take over Canterlot by posing as my brother’s fiancee! She’s put a spell on you!”
“What?!” I say, “No! No, there’s no spell placed on me!”
“That’s exactly what somepony with a spell placed on them would say!” Her horn powers up, getting ready for a large blast of magic. “Now, stand back! I’ll rid you of this curse!”
“No! Stop!” I shout. “You two will NOT have a magic battle in my house! I just finished decorating it, and it’s finally perfect! I’m sorry for being blunt, and for demanding that royalty follow my rules, but this is MY house, and I don’t want it getting destroyed!” My tantrum causes Princess Twilight to power down her magic. I turn and see Queen Chrysalis powering down her own magical blast. “Queen Chrysalis? Did you try taking over Equestria?”
“Yes, but only once. I haven’t tried it since.”
“But, she will try eventually. That’s why she has to be stopped.”
“To be fair, I haven’t thought about it for months. I’ve been raising my armies, yes, but only so that they look for love, not really for destruction.”
“I…” I look over at Queen Chrysalis, surprised about all this new information. Now I have to see her army and learn more about their kind. Still… “Wow, okay. Whatever conflict you two have, it’s not important right now. I’m not under any spell. Queen Chrysalis is my friend.”
“WHAT?! FRIEND?!” Princess Twilight gasps. “She’s…your friend?”
“Yes. I met her when I first came to Equestria. She saved my life. Without her, I could have died. I owe her everything.” I look to Queen Chrysalis. A small but noticeable blush crosses her cheeks, but she attempts a hardened look, just incase Princess Twilight tries something again. “She comes here every other day, because being a Queen puts a lot of stress on her. So, I help her out.”
“By what?” Princess Twilight wonders.
“I help her by booping her.” I say matter of factly.
A strange pause lingers around the room. I don’t know why. Twilight looks at me, confused, but also frightened. What’s so frightening about booping? Is it some kind of insult to the ponies? I don’t know.
“You…boop her?” Twilight’s voice shakes.
“Yeah. I boop her every time she comes here, and for as long as she wants me to.”
“As long as she wants you to?”
“Yes.” Queen Chrysalis goes to my side. “He boops me. Many times. Being booped is the only way I can calm myself, and the way he boops me fits the bill, as nopony else can boop me as well as he can.”
I’m sort of proud of Queen Chrysalis’ words. I smile at her, and she smiles back. Princess Twilight isn’t smiling. She looks like she’s about to faint. I can’t imagine why.
“How many times does he boop you?” Princess Twilight asks.
“Oh, he first only booped me about ten to fifteen times a visit, but my stress levels have gotten really high lately, so he boops me about a hundred times a visit.”
“A-A-A H-HU-HUNDRED TIMES?!”
“Yeah. He boops me anywhere I feel comfortable.”
“A-anywhere?!” Twilight looks around the room. “Where does he boop you?”
“He boops me in the living room, the kitchen, the dining room, the hallway. I love trying new booping places in his house. We even booped on the floor you’re standing on.”
Twilight looks down at the floor, and immediately hops off. Why did she do that? Is there a spider on there? I don’t see a spider. Must be one of those imaginary magic spiders or something.
“We booped on that part of the floor, too.” Queen Chrysalis points to the new spot Princess Twilight is standing on. She hops off again and onto the carpet. “And the carpet.” Princess Twilight hops again. What’s her problem? “We haven’t tried booping in the bedroom yet, but I’d like to give it a shot.”
“I’ll boop you in the bedroom when I remember to make the bed before you arrive.” I say.
“Oh please, after all the booping, it’ll be a mess again.” Queen Chrysalis laughs. I laugh along with her. She’s right; whenever I boop her on the nose, sometimes she likes to stretch herself out as a way of getting comfortable. Her movements would muss up the sheets for sure.
“I guess you have a point. You do make a bit of a mess while I boop you.”
“H….how….are you able to boop her a hundred times? How…do you get the energy to do so?”
“Oh, booping that much isn’t really tiring.” I say, “If she wanted me to boop her two hundred times or more, I’d do it, no questions asked.”
“You…must be…some kind…of….a machine!” Twilight nearly yells that last bit.
“Machine? No. Booping just comes naturally to me. Whenever she asks, I’m more than happy to acquiesce her request. My arm might get a little sore, due to the extra work, but once I learned to alternate arms during our booping sessions, I never get tired.”
“What? How? What? Huh? How?” Princess Twilight is a incomprehensible mess. Her head shakes around in that ‘does not compute’ kind of a way.
“Princess Twilight? Are you okay? You look a little frazzled. Do you want me to boop you, too?”
“NO!” Princess Twilight steps back from me. “I mean…no thanks. I…appreciate the offer…but, I don’t think I’m ready for that…yet…”
“It’s really easy.” I smile. “Come here, and I’ll boop you. It won't hurt.”
“N-No!” Princess Twilight goes to the door. “I-I have to go. I need to…write stuff….down…and…stuff.” She opens the door. “It’s….good that….Queen Chrysalis isn’t….being evil. But…make sure she doesn’t do any more, okay?”
“Yeah, su-“ I am interrupted by the front door slamming. I take a peak out the window to see Princess Twilight running off to that tall Crystal Castle of hers off in the distance. “That was weird. I wonder why she didn’t want me to boop her?”
“I can’t imagine why.” Queen Chrysalis suppresses a snicker. What’s so funny?
“I mean, it’s not like it was going to hurt or anything. I was just going to boop her on the nose. It helps you out. Does it hurt ponies? Maybe that’s why she was so scared.”
“I don’t know. It will forever be a mystery.” Queen Chrysalis still attempts to keep herself from laughing. Now I know something is up. I can see it on her face.
“Okay, what’s with the suppressed laughter?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s not nothing. That face you’re making is far from nothing.”
“It’s nothing. I swear.” Queen Chrysalis’ face tightens. She’s hiding something.
“If you don’t tell me, I won’t boop you anymore.”
“It’s that.”
“That? Booping? What about it?”
“The way we talked about it to her.” Queen Chrysalis smiles a mischievous smile. It then transforms into a look of confusion. “Wait, you weren’t egging her on?”
“What do you mean? I was explaining why you were here.”
“But…all that booping talk. You weren’t making intentional double entendres?”
“No. Why would I…” I stop talking. I think about what she said. Double entendre. A word or phrase open to two interpretations, one of which is usually risqué or indecent. Risque. Booping. Double entendre. Booping. I boop Queen Chrysalis all over the house.
Oh.
OH.
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
She thought that….
She thought booping meant….
She thought me and Queen Chrysalis were…
I look at Queen Chrysalis. She knows that I have realized what she was talking about. My eyes widen, while she nods her head. Then, after a couple of silent moments, I laugh. I laugh hard. I laugh so hard, that I could barely breathe. Queen Chrysalis laughs along with me. We get close during our laughing, and I wrap an arm around her shoulder, like two drinking buddies that just told a dirty joke and think it’s the funniest thing ever.
Tears stream down our faces while we laugh, and we separate, wiping our tears away and regain our breath and composure.
“Oh my god.” I say, still chuckling. “I have to go see Twilight and explain myself. Oh boy.”
“You better. If Twilight starts telling Ponyville what you said to her, they’re going to go nuts.”
“You’re right. That would be really…” I suddenly start laughing again. Booping. So funny. “Okay…” I calm down. “Okay, I’m back.”
“I should get going, too. I have to check on my army, and see how they are doing. Day after tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I’m available. Unless I get attacked by Ponies wanting to get booped.”
“Fat chance.” Queen Chrysalis chuckles. As she opens the door, she turns back. “Hey…one more for the road?”
I smile. I approach her. I raise a hand out. I point at her nose.
Boop.
Queen Chrysalis sticks her tongue out.