An Embarrasment In Three Acts

by Void Knight

Act 3

For a long moment after the curtain had fallen and the intermission started, the six Elements and their guests just stared at each other awkwardly. Then Dinky poked her head out from under her mother’s wing and asked tentatively, “Uh… Mom?”

“Yes, Dinky?” replied Ditzy curiously.

Dinky’s tone was perfectly balanced between worry and hope. “You’re not actually a Shadowbolt, are you?”

And all thirteen ponies burst into laughter. Two acts of accumulated tension, stress, and bewilderment were converted by some impossible alchemy into mirth, and they laughed until their sides ached and their breath came short.

“I can confirm that she is not, little Dinky,” said Princess Luna, touching off another round of giggles.

“Hey, Raindrops,” said Cheerilee, deliberately pitching her voice in an overdone imitation of seductive. “Mind telling me exactly what a pegasus stallion can do with his wings? Or are you going to leave it to my imagination?”

And after that third round of giggles they made a game of it, one after another poking (and yes, Pokey Pierce pointed out the pun) fun at various features of the play and reveling in each other’s laughter until their mirth was eventually cut short by the announcer proclaiming that the third act of the play was about to begin.

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As the curtain rose the stage Elements were trotting through the Everfree, coming up on a stream. And then strange voices began to sing all-too-familiar lyrics.

Come on in, the water’s fine…please oh please, don’t decline…come and dance on the river’s bed…come on in and join the dead…

Five of the stage Elements were now doing their best zompony impressions, but stage Lyra seemed more resistant to the song.

“You shan’t snare me that easily, whatever you are!” she declared. “Now avaunt, you treacherous singer, and trouble my friends no more!” She drew her hoof across her lyre and a burst of cacophony emerged. Notes ground against notes in a teeth-jarring clash that tore at the hypnotic song. Lyra threw her hooves over her ears, though she also made a mental note of the technique. That kind of burst of cacophony might be just the thing the next time she needed to break a spell with her song magic.

What stepped out from behind the trees across the stream were definitely not the sirens the real Lyra had been expecting. Nor, for that matter, were they ponies. To nine of the twelve guests, the three strange creatures now taking center stage were wholly unknown. But for Lyra, Bon Bon, and Trixie, these creatures were only too familiar. Though their oddly shaped dresses concealed something of their forms, these were unmistakably the bizarre creatures known as hominians.

The first of the three had pale blue skin, several shades lighter than Trixie’s coat, and a mane of striped dark and light blue. The second had a mane about the same color as Carrot Top’s coat, and a hide of pale gold. And the third had a striped purple-and-green mane and plum-colored skin.

“Who are you?” asked stage Lyra.

“I am Aria Blaze!” proclaimed the one with the purple-and-green mane.

“I am Adagio Dazzle!” declared the one with the orange mane.

“Hi, I’m Sonata!” said the blue-haired…siren? Hominian? Thingy?, waving one paw cheerfully.

“We are the sirens! Strife is our wine and war our meat!” said Aria.

“Queen Corona has set us to guard the path to the Elements,” said Adagio.

“And promised us lots of tacos!” said Sonata, in a tone that sounded more like Pinkie Pie than a quasi-mythical monster of the Everfree.

“What!?” blurted out stage Lyra, for once perfectly reflecting the real Lyra’s feelings.

“Tacos!” repeated Sonata. “Aren’t they just the most wonderful thing ever! You didn’t have those back when we were last poking around your civilization.”

Aria face…hooved? Facepawed? “Sonata, would you please shut up about the stupid tacos! We have intruders on our hands!”

As one, the three siren-hominians began to glow and rose up off the stage. Shimmering fin-like wings unfurled from their shoulders, and they began to hum in a low monotone. Aria began to sing.

Your will is ours
You cannot do but as we sing
Cannot do but as we sing
All is ours

Shimmering tendrils of light in purple, orange, and pale blue extended from the sirens’ chests, drifting towards the stage Elements. But before they could make contact, stage Lyra came in. Her song merged perfectly into the tune of the siren’s chant, making it seem as though they were singing alternate verses in the same song.

Luna’s my shepherd, I’ll not want
She makes me down to lie
In pastures green, She leadeth me
The quiet waters by. 

Lyra glanced off to the side, but Princess Luna’s face was conspicuously neutral. Lyra wondered idly how many ponies in La Commedia Della Luna were familiar with the 23rd Lunar Psalm. It had been composed mere decades after Corona’s banishment into the sun, and it had probably been centuries since it had been in common use. Lyra only knew it because she’d spent three years studying ancient songs and ballads, and how anypony who hadn’t spent countless hours digging through the Canterlot Archives had found it was more than she could guess.

As stage Lyra sang, a silver glow formed in the air in front of her. The sirens’ tendrils struck it, and their colors began to bleed into it as Adagio began to sing.

Your thoughts are ours
You cannot dream of escaping
Cannot dream of escaping
All is ours.
 
Lyra took up her song again, and as she sang the colors faded away and the silver began to creep up the tendrils.

My soul she doth restore again,
And me to walk doth make
Within the paths of righteousness
Even for her own name’s sake.
 
And then Sonata began to sing. The real Lyra wasn’t sure whether to laugh or scream.

Your tacos are ours
We shall feast on yummy goodness
We shall feast on yummy goodness
All is ours
 
“Sonata,” hissed Aria.

“What?” replied Sonata in a stage whisper. The sirens’ magic sputtered as their song was disrupted, and before they could recover stage Lyra had started into her next verse.

Yeah though I walk neath noonday sun
Yet will I fear no ill
For she is with me and her wings
And horn my comfort still. 

The silver shimmer in front of stage Lyra shot across the stage and enveloped the sirens in argent energy. Stage Lyra continued to sing, the sirens apparently muffled by the silver shroud.

A table She hath furnished
In presence of my foes.
My head she doth with oil anoint
And my cup overflows
 
The sirens seemed to be dissolving into the silvery energy that the Lunar hymn had conjured. Their wings had already faded out, and the edges of their manes and the tips of their paws were beginning to pale. Stage Lyra continued to sing as the siren’s dissolution accelerated.

Goodness and mercy all my life
Shall surely follow me
And under Moon forevermore
My dwelling place shall be. 

The sirens were now completely gone, leaving only a silvery shimmer that faded away to nothingness as stage Lyra ended her song. The other five stage Elements blinked and shook their heads as they came out of the trance.

“Mon amour, you saved me!” Stage Trixie galloped across the stage to plant a kiss on Stage Lyra, and the two unicorns embraced. By the real Lyra’s side, her Bon Bon groaned, and Lyra gave her love a reassuring squeeze.

“Where in Luna’s name did this come from?” she whispered to Bon Bon. “I mean, why turn a perfectly respectable set of flesh-eating monsters into these… taco-obsessed dancing bears!”

Bon Bon gave Lyra a quizzical look.

“What?” whispered Lyra. “Look, I’m not saying the sirens weren’t evil, but they weren’t that bad! They weren’t hominians, or obsessed with tacos. Noon, they were actually pretty decent conversationalists, at least until they got tired of talking and tried to sing us into the river.”

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The stage now showed what Ditzy recognized as the room where the Elements of Harmony had been kept in the Castle of the Two Sisters. And sure enough, the five gray stone orbs of the inert Elements lay in the center of the room, and a hooded and robed figure stood next to them, a staff in one hoof.

The stage Six came trotting onto the stage, and came to a halt facing the mysterious figure.

“Halt and avaunt, ye tresspassers!” The figure threw back its hood, revealing a striped head and mane. “I am Zecora, servant of the Sun! At long last my sorcery has freed Queen Corona from her durance vile, and I shall not permit thee to reverse my workings!”

“In case you missed it,” said stage Trixie, “there’s six of us and only one of you. How exactly do you propose to stop us?”

“Ah, but I am not alone!” proclaimed stage Zecora. “Spike, come forth!”

With a series of thuds, a massive dragon-shaped construct of cloth and, judging from the way it was moving, a wooden frame, lumbered onto the stage.

Ditzy felt her muffin vibrating with glee against her side as her stage doppelganger charged forward. Something sharp and shiny flashed at the ends of her wings as she slashed at stage Zecora, who blocked in a blur of staff-strokes.

Meanwhile, stage Raindrops had taken to the air and, with a bellow of “RAINDROPS SMASH!” bucked stage Spike in the head. The faux-dragon roared and swiped at him, but missed. Then there was a flash as stage Carrot Top shot stage Spike with a blast of laser vision. Stage Spike retaliated with a jet of flame that stage Carrot Top dived out of the way of.

Stage Zecora leapt backwards and intoned “Pegasus Repellus!” A wave of green light shot from her staff and sent stage Ditzy flying back. Before she could recover, stage Zecora struck the ground with her staff and chanted “Creepius Crawlius!” A half-dozen giant spiders popped into existence, and were almost immediately cut down by stage Ditzy’s wingblades and stage Carrot Top’s laser vision.

The fight continued in much this fashion for some minutes, with stage Ditzy chasing stage Zecora back and forth across the stage while the later shouted out random nonsense spells which summoned everything from jets of green flame to giant bugs. At the same time, stage Spike continued to brawl with stage Raindrops and stage Carrot Top. Eventually, a particularly vicious buck sent him staggering offstage, and stage Zecora was pinned down very shortly thereafter.

“Wait a minute,” asked stage Ditzy, staring at stage Zecora from about a wing’s breadth away. “Why are you smiling?”

“Because I hath won and thou hast lost. I sent a warning unto my Queen before thou entered this room, and…”

The stage vanished in an explosion of light as stage Zecora finished her sentence. “…She hath arrived.”

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When the flare died down, stage Corona was standing in the center of the stage, wreathed in the crackling fires of her Sun. The six heroes were held pinned down by the Tyrant Sun’s blazing golden field, and stage Zecora stood proudly by stage Corona’s side.

“What madness hath seized thee, traitors and fools?
“Did I not warn thee of treachery’s cost?
“Even if memories of me were lost,
“For your kin’s sake, thou should have kept the rules
“But behold my mercy, thy town I’ll spare
“And even the hostages I’ll not yet slay.
“Of course you shall die, as you fought the day,
“But first an older treason I’ll answer.”

At that point, Stage Corona raised one hoof and stomped it on the ground. There was a terrible crashing noise, and the Elements shattered, sparks of magic in the various colors of the rainbow rising from their broken forms. Stage Corona continued her speech,

“Thou shalt die first, criminal scum”, she said, indicating stage Cheerilee with one hoof.

“It’s you shall, you throwback.”

For a few moments silence reigned over the theater. Stage Corona’s fiery aura flickered. Trixie was stunned. How in Luna’s name had Double Dash known exactly what Cheerilee had said that day?

“I beg thy miniscule pardon?” stage Corona demanded, evidently too flustered to speak in rhyme.

“You!” Cheerilee shouted, eyes wide as she stepped forward. “It’s you! Nopony has used thou or thee or thy for hundreds of years! And it’s shall, no matter the subject! I don’t care if you’ve been locked up in the sun for a thousand years, you said Luna will be able to watch Equestria so I only assume that you could too, how could you not know how to speak Equestrian?”

Stage Corona’s fires flashed and flared, miniature solar flares lighting up the theater brilliantly. “My command of the tongue far surpasses thy own mangled song!” she declaimed.

Stage Cheerilee laughed. “Command of the tongue…” She licked her lips. “Well, Raindrops here said I’m out of practice, maybe you could show me some of your command…”

Stage Corona’s field winked out, letting the six jump to their hooves. She didn’t seem to have noticed. “I – thou – thou dare?”
“Yeah, I do!” Cheerilee proclaimed. “I’m dead anyway. So why not? I’m going to die laughing and I’m going to die making everypony else laugh at how ridiculous you are – ”

There was an explosion of laughter in every tone and variation of voice imaginable. Pony laughs, the deeper booms of buffalo, the high-pitched shrieks of griffon mirth, even what Lyra was dead certain was supposed to be the barks of an amused Cheeronar, echoed through the theater as sky-blue light enveloped Cheerilee.

“NO!!!”, screamed stage Corona. A blast of golden flame erupted from her horn, stage Lyra dived in front of it, and with a sound like a chord from the world’s biggest lyre the firebolt deflected off the crimson halo that now surrounded stage Lyra.

“WHAT GOING ON?” asked stage Raindrops.

“The Elements are seeking out new vessels!” shouted stage Lyra, above the bell-like chimes that accompanied a purplish halo forming around stage Carrot Top.

“OH,” said stage Raindrops. “RAINDROPS THINK RAINDROPS HONESTY.” And with a noise like the booming of a vast drum, orange energy surrounded stage Raindrops.

“How in Luna’s name are you ending up with Kindness?” asked stage Cheerilee of stage Ditzy.

“Kindness isn’t weakness,” replied stage Ditzy as she was surrounded by emerald light and the piping of flutes. “To bring justice to criminals is to show kindness to all they have or would victimise.”

“Five of the six in truth hath now blest thee,” said stage Corona, evidently attempting to regain control over the situation. “But without Magic, thou cannot withstand me.”

“Magic?” Stage Trixie laughed, as did stage Cheerilee. “The sixth Element is Magic?”

“Of course,” stage Corona proclaimed. “All the other Elements are useless without Magic. It is power. Who but the powerful can afford to be caring or giving? Who but the powerful can expect sincerity or faithfulness from those they surround themselves by? Who but the powerful can waste their days in comfort and joy?”

“You know,” said stage Trixie, “my cutie mark is for magic. But it is not just magic, it is doing magic for others. My destiny, my deepest purpose, is to use magic to bring together and build up ponies. You are wrong, Corona. Power is not magic. Friendship is magic.”

And as if on cue, there was a sound like a blast of trumpets, and a lavender halo formed around stage Trixie. “Corona, The Tyrant Sun, hear now the judgment of Harmony,” boomed a deep voice that didn’t seem to belong to anypony.

“You have embraced delusion in yourself, and fostered it in others.” A beam of orange light shot out from around stage Raindrops to envelop stage Corona, tearing at her fiery aura.

“You have sought not only to hoard what was yours, but to grasp unto yourself what was not.” The orange beam was joined by an indigo from stage Carrot Top.

“You have broken faith with your sister and your people.” Stage Lyra’s red was added to the mix.

“You have brought nought but pain and suffering.” Stage Ditzy flared her wings as her green joined the growing rainbow.

“You have sought to stamp out mirth and joy with your petty laws.” Stage Cheerilee’s blue was added.

“For all these crimes, Harmony judges you guilty.” As stage Trixie’s lavender was added, stage Corona was now wholly invisible inside the rainbow tornado.

“But it is not our place to pass sentence,” continued the impersonal voice while the colors swirled around the now-hidden stage Corona. “No, that right belongs to another. A ruler who has ruled in Honesty and Kindness, who has displayed Loyalty and Generosity towards her people, who has fostered Laughter and Friendship wherever she ruled.” There was a shimmer of prismatic light, and a cobalt-hued alicorn appeared in between the Elements and stage Corona.

“Princess Luna Equestris,” proclaimed what was apparently supposed to be the voice of Harmony, “your sister’s fate is in your hooves.”

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This night, Trixie had seen La Commedia Della Luna’s special effects and costuming crews accomplish many feats of legerdermain that even she had to marvel at. But what they had now done was quite possibly the most impressive of all. They’d managed to make Corona, The Tyrant Sun, the mare all Equestria had lived in mortal terror of for a thousand years, look cute.

Their impression of Corona’s depowered form was barely bigger than a filly and sported a candy-pink mane and tail, the former cut into a kind of pixie bob and the latter short and fluffy. She had tiny little baby wings that looked like they couldn’t lift a week-old foal, a stubby little horn, and a round face and somewhat chubby build. The only thing that ruined the impression were her eyes (still the same eerie blank white, though they no longer glowed), and the scowl of hatred on her face.

When she spoke, Trixie noted that her voice had lost its eerie echoes, being reduced to a filly’s squeak.

“I care not what black sorcery aids thee
“I am Celestia, I am the Sun
“I am Queen, and there can only be one.
“Equestria’s mine, it belongs to me
“These mortals are weak, they’re helpless and frail
“The Elements saved them, but that won’t last
“These pony lives will fade like dew on grass
“And the monsters will come from every tale.”

“Celestia,” said stage Luna, and stage Corona instantly fell silent as though the word had struck her dumb.

“Celestia,” repeated stage Luna, “this is your last chance. You can still turn back, and if you repent and abandon this mad quest to rule everything, you can even get back your Day eventually. It needn’t even take that long, as we reckon time.”

How in Luna’s name did Double Dash think to include this part? wondered Trixie. Most of Equestria still doesn’t realize that Luna is trying to redeem Celestia. Noon, even some of our closest friends don’t get it. How does this pony keep shifting between knowing things that she has no right to know and not knowing the most blindingly obvious facts about us?

Stage Luna took a deep breath and extended one hoof. “Sister, will you accept my friendship?”

““No!” Celestia shouted. “It’s mine! All of it! Everything! Mine! All mine!”

Stage Luna let her head fall for a second, before raising it again. Her horn began to glow dark blue. “Corona,” she proclaimed. “You leave me no choice. You will once more be banished to the heart of the sun. Escape, if you can, but next time, I will be waiting. I will be prepared.”

Blue transmuted to silver-white, but before stage Luna could release her spell, a voice cut across the scene.

“Release Queen Corona immediately, or I shall spill this brat’s life onto these stones!” Stage Zecora stood at the edge of the scene, a knife held to stage Dinky’s throat.

In an eye-blink, silver light flashed across the stage and stage Zecora crumpled to the ground, releasing stage Dinky to sprint across the stage to her “sister.” But in the same instant, stage Corona’s horn flashed gold and she vanished.

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The scene was once more the Ponyville town square. The Princess and the Elements were in the center of the scene, with the rest of the townsfolk standing in a close-packed crowd around the edges. Stage Luna was giving a speech to the gathered crowd.

“These six ponies dared the wrath of the Tyrant Sun, risking their lives in order to reach the Elements and free me from Corona’s imprisonment. Had it not been for their courage and friendship, Equestria would even now be under the rule of my mad sister. I wish that I could give them the reward they truly deserve for such heroism, but it was wisely said that the reward for a job well done is another job. Trixie Lulamoon, Carrot Top, Raindrops, Ditzy Doo, Lyra Heartstrings, Blackcherry Lee Punch, kneel.”

The six stage Elements went down on their knees, and Stage Luna flared her wings as she addressed the crowd.

Huh, thought the real Trixie, it looks like Double Dash decided to muddle the timeline a bit. If only Luna really had thought of this so quickly. We might have avoided some of that mess with the Night Court if we’d had a formal and defined role. Then again, if things hadn’t been so bad, we wouldn’t have needed (or dared) to try that sun-addled scheme with Zizanie, and the corruption might still be festering in the court.

“With you now as my witnesses,” stage Luna said, “I declare this: that whomsoever wears one of the Elements of Harmony – if that pony be worthy of it, if they swear to defend Equestria from enemies both domestic and foreign, if they act for the good of Equestria without compromising the ideals upon which this nation was founded, if they display a care for the fate of others, be it the whole of the nation, a city, a town, or even a single pony…then let those ponies hereafter be known throughout Equestria,” she looked back to the six mares who kneeled, “as Knights of the Realm. Let them be awarded all the rights and honors that station guarantees them, and let them further be awarded the Right of Approach. May they forever stand in the good graces of the eyes of the ponies of Equestria.”

“Dame Raindrops, Dame Ditzy, Dame Carrot Top, Dame Lyra, Dame Cheerilee, and Dame Trixie – Rise now as Knights of the Realm.”

The six faux-Elements rose and, as if on cue, burst into song.

The six faux-Elements took their bows, and the actors began to come forward for their applause.