//------------------------------// // Tasting the flavors of As(s)-phalt. // Story: The Elements... And Me // by Doood //------------------------------// Chapter 7 Alright, so for me to be at Town Hall… I would have to go… Straight. Why do ponies even need a school anyways? They're po- Imma stop before I get a potential headache. I pocketed Rarity's little map and walked forward, taking careful measures to not fuck up my foot during this delicate time. Already did climbing up the hill to Rarity’s after a nice chat with Derpy and Fluffle Puff. Didn't plan on doing that twice. The map said, which was basically just a bunch of old english like scribbles, The, ‘roads”, should twist and turn once I was free of the main section of Ponyville, eventually, they should lead me to the portion of where all the ponies lived. Thankfully that portion was correct and I was soon met with more houses than I could count. And to be safe, quite honestly, the houses looked no different than the ones back home, cluttered together like people in cages. Wherever home may be right now. So me being me, I let my eyes drift from house to house, noticing the key differences in them. Here's a cool little story, inside of another cool story for you. My dad, actually, once told me that a buyer, looks for a house that resembles their personality and or origin. Now, before you you roll your eyes and scoff at how retarded this sounds, say I was… Old fashioned. Which I am, then me, being a buyer, would look for the house that is brick, or holds a nice dull color. Now, it could be true back home, but then again, I doubt anybody is actually looking for a house that says, “HEY! I GOT A SHIT TON OF MONEY!!”. No, most people just buy a house to hold their family and themselves in so they can live longer. It's harsh, but true. Here however, my dad would stand correct. And if I had to guess, the ponies actually did buy houses based on their personality, origin, and color. How do I know this? Well take it into consideration, that a blue and grey house stood out from the rest due to it being, ‘Old Fashioned’ somewhat. In front of it, was a unicorn using his magic to water his plants. He had blue fur and grey hair. See the similarities? In respect, the guy saw me staring at him, and I think he didn't appreciate it. So from that point, I did my personal best not to glance at the ones who had taken notice of me, but it was quite hard when I had strolled in, fuming smoke everywhere. For the times I did glance about, I took in different ponies I had, and hadn't seen before. For example, I saw that Purple Sunglassed DJ pony. Yes, again, she was bobbing her head to what I assumed was an imaginary beat. But with the evidence of headphones, I had to debunk that theory and move on. I found out, that a few of them waved at me, actually taking their time to stop watering their garden… Which was super fucking weird to see, and smile. Some of the older mares, and stallions bidded me a good morning as I passed by. The strange similarities of seeing the older generation rocking back and forth in chairs caused a small shiver go up my spine. I would be lying to you if I said I didn't wave back. WHICH I DID. Don't judge… Bastards… Regardless of this however, I actually relaxed somewhat, and eased off clamping my ass down. And I hate to say it, but if this continues, you know; all the goddamn niceness, I might actually think about staying here. Now that I think about it, I might have to kill myself before that. BAD TICK. Agreeably, there's something about this place that doesn't seem right, but at the same time, it feels to good to be true. It's too cheerful, colorful, and reminded me of a cartoon. Equestria needed some… Action. Like an explosion, or some type of sinister entity. As I gained an evil grin, I realized it was best not to get too ahead of ourselves. Right now, I was enjoying somewhat, the peaceful stroll given to me. “Hey, Tick!” Keyword being, ‘was’. “Ah, Miss Dash,” I said turning, “I was just thinking about you.” Rainbow Dash flared her wings as she landed, the dust from the grounded rising and falling as though she did a superhero landing, “Were ya’ thinkin about how awesome I am?” Blinking, I took out my cigarette and flicked the butt towards her, “No. Have you ever thought about how big your fucking head is?” “Not really.” “Which is exactly why,” I pointed, “You don't care.” Dash snickered, “Was there a meaning to that?” I nodded, “Indeed. To prod you, my dear, and see what your limitations are.” She chortled, “Well it'll take more than that to rile me up.” I sniffed, “Uh-huh. Says the one who gets her britches in a knot because of her new nickname.” Dash held her hooves out, “Because it isn't my name!” “Pfft, it is now.” I answered while going back to the map, “Now do me a flavor and Dash away Rainbow. Don't want to taste any of your shit at the moment.” Dash scrambled into the air and sped in front of me, “Well, wait a minute, where the buck do you think you're going?” I scoffed, “Oh my god, TAKE A HIKE, SKITTLES. Fucking... Can I not do something without someone breathing down my neck?” Skittles shook her head, “I've been given orders from Twilight to watch you.” I deadpanned instantly, “Damn. She said that?” “Not the exact words she used, It was more like…” Dash licked her muzzle, “Rainbow, make sure Tick doesn't scare anypony, go off anywhere he isn't supposed to, and if he does, bring him back here.” “So you were supposed to be spying on me?” Dash shrugged, “Spying, Watching, Observing…” I took a step back, “Observing? Skittles, if you want to see me up close, all you need to do is ask.” “I'm fine with watching from up there, thank you very much.” I shrugged my way past her, “Your loss. And speaking of such, get lost.” Dash sucked in through her teeth, following behind me, “Oooooo… Yeah sorry. Can't. Twilight promised me her share of Cider this year.” While walking, I let out a throaty sigh and covered my face, “Celestia told me not to fuck anything up… She told me to be nice…” Rainbow Dash snickered, “Sounds like you're in a pickle, bud.” “Call me bud again, and I'll plant you in the ground to watch you grow, fucker.” O.o.O.o.O To make my not so long story, even longer, I will start off with saying that the walk of peace ended very quickly. As if it weren't already obvious... Rainbow Dash had followed me, EVERYWHERE I went. And now, it was starting to drive me a little insane. She and I at first walked in silence, making the trip go smoothly and sent us from the Ponyville Neighborhood in record time. Then, as we had begun into a less crowded area, Dash decided to start telling stories… again. Well that started the heated debate of whether or not the stories were really necessary. I lost the battle with a hoof upside my head, and losing three cigarettes in three minutes. If we had gotten off on the right foot, maybe I could've beared to listen to her. Wait, yeah fuck that. She boasts, an ungodly amount of bullshit. And to call her out on it, receives an earful, plus a brain attack. So, with that in mind, I listened to her, right up until I could see the schoolhouse. And during such, I went through six more cigarettes listening, and talking to her. “Hey, Tick, ya listening?” “No.” “Yeah, anyways, See, after I busted in…” It went like that most of the time I didn't pay attention for too long. It was either that, or have a rock chucked at my head. Oh did you know that rocks are really hard? Yes? Great, just checking. It's not every day you find out that said object bounces off your head and it sounds like your name. But if I have to listen to her for two minutes longer, I will take whatever Celestia, Twilight and Rarity can throw at me... “Oh… My Celestia! Is that the Rainbow Dash?!” I was beginning to wonder when this cruelty would end. Thank you dear god! Wait. Does this fucker know… Oh no. Not fans, nononononononono, SO MUCH NOPE. It was a mare, obviously a pegasus too, judging from the wings. And quite a large mare at that. Don't get me wrong you sadistic assholes, if I compared the mare speaking, to others, she would at least tower two heads taller than them. Well enough about her height, this tall drink of h2-uh-oh, had azura colored eyes which were surprisingly brighter than Pinkie’s. Her coat, so to speak, was that of the god awful color, Yellow. To match with the Piss colored coat, she had green hair. Mane. Whatever. There was of course, streaks of orange within it, but who cares at this moment. Dash took this chance to stroke her ego, “The one and only!” The mare gasped, “Oh my goodness, never would I think to see the day! You single hoofedly-” I raised my hand and wiggled my fingers, “Yeah. S-T-F-U please?” Smiling, I pointed behind me, “Before you two start, Me? I'm going over there.” I twirled around and started to plant my foot down, but of course, the mare had to ask a question that stopped me right in my tracks. “What are you?” Resist. The. Urge. To punch Bitch. In throat, “I think the better question, is who. Not what.” She raised a brow, “Alright then, Who are you?” With a quick exhale of breath, I flared my hand and smirked, “I!? Am Tick. Your local resident human. Forcefully brought here by Rainbow Dash and tortured by her friends.” She blinked, “Oh my…” Dash giggled nervously, “He’s joking, I assure you.” The mare smiled after a moment of deciphering the news, “Ah. A joke. Right. Uh… Well, my name is Hilder Glow.” I am really getting sick of the names these ponies come up with. What fucking sane parent names their child, Hilder Glow? Let's name it Forest Foot honey! No, no. I got it. Fucking Hilder Glow. Hence, why a nickname is way cooler. “You obviously know me, Rainbow Dash! Fastest flier in Equestria!” I rolled that in my head for a moments pause, counting her saying that three times now? Yeah, that caused me to cringe. Oh, but Glow lapped it up like cat on milk, “I know! My friends all said that you were the one who saved The Element of Generosity from death once!” Dash flipped her mane, “Yep.” Glow fangasm’d, “AND PERFORMED THE SONIC RAINBOOM AT THE SAME TIME!!” Dash laughed, “Yeah that too.” Glow leaned in with a gasp, “Oh my gosh… Do you think you could do it again?!” Dash stopped mid-boast and stood rigid. Aww. Can't Dash do it? Seems simple. As I smirked in victory from her not being able to do the… Sonic Rainboom or whatever, Dash zipped to Glow’s side and rubbed her hoof against her chest, “Yeah, but not here. Not to many ponies can really handle it too well, so I normally practice over there,” she said with a jerk of her head. Glow jumped up and down, the spark in her eyes matching that of her excitement, “Well let's go! Oh wait until my friends hear about this…” So… I’m definitely not following them, and now, Dash isn't following me. I did a small gasp and rubbed my hands together mischievously, then this means I got dirt on Dashy there... So I waited until they were almost out earshot before I shouted, “ÓI, SKITTLES!!” Dash stopped momentarily to look behind her. She gave me a nod for me to continue, “AIN'T YA SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHIN ME?” Heh, the look on her face was absolutely priceless. Dash's face lit up like a Christmas tree, and she shot up into the air, speeding over faster than I could've blinked. When I did see her finally, she was out of breath and her rose colored eyes were wide with seriousness, “Tick, don't. Tell. Twilight.” I smirked, “Or what? If you want to go doing sonic farts with Hilden Gerth over there, be my guest. I have a job to do, you did too. But…” I rolled my head, “Apparently, being famous is better than watchin lil’ ol’ me.” Dash blinked, “Don't tell Twilight and I'll stop messing with you.” I said without hesitation, “Oh my god, Done.” Blasting off again, Dash made her way back to Glow, and the two of them disappeared after Glow asked what had happened. So, finally. A break… I rubbed my face and exhaled deeply, resting my hands on hips to stare at the schoolhouse. Ms. Cheeril- Eh… God… Ms. Cheerilee’s Schoolhouse. A complex name, but, a rather intriguing and simple school. The obvious thing though, was that it was meant for youth. I could easily tell from the drawings and playground around the place. Man… I miss the playground. The good thing about me being here, was that I was early. Rarity said that school let out around afternoon, however, I couldn't tell what time it was because I broke my watch, and phone was dead. So all I needed to do now was wait. Luckily for me, I had a nice shady spot to sit down, and wait for the bell to ri- “And with that, Have a good weekend class. Dismissed!” A female voice said, following that with a shrill sound of the bell. Just as I was about to plant my ass down too… I was midway from the air to the trunk, so I stood back up and dusted myself off. The small ponies learning from this establishment piled out of the school like clowns from clown cars, and admittedly, was pretty funny to watch as they waddled out on their peg leg like feet. They came in all different shapes and sizes too, be that of tall, lanky, plump, or small. And because of how fast they were popping out, I didn't get to sit down, but I was able to lean on the tree. All I had to do was find a little filly that looked like a smaller… Weirder version of Rarity. I thought I had found her a few times, but turns out that they weren't. Their names were like… Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. So again, Let's name her… Diamond Tiara honey! Equestrian Logic… “How ‘bout your place then? Mah sis is cleaning today. Can’t do it there.” Wait… I've seen that filly before. What was her name… Appletart? No... Uh-oh, who's this? “What?! Applejack is doing that TODAY? Man…” A filly with a purple mane sighed, “Well if Sweetie Bell would hurry up, maybe her sister could let us sleep over.” So these are the ones Rarity spoke of. Huh. Rowdy bunch. The one with the country accent… Now announced as Applejacks sister, had a butterscotch colored coat, and red mane. The other one reminded me of someone… Oh good lord who was it… Anyway, she had a strange tan and orange coat with purple hair. Weird combination if you ask me, But you didn't. So, hah. I watched as the last student came from the school, she hopped from the steps and joined the group that had started walking my way. I didn't pay much attention to what their talk was consisted of, but I got the gist of it, and realized that this was who Rarity wanted me to pick up. As the one with the purple hair punched her friend in the shoulder, I moved from the tree to stand in front of them. The last thing I wanted to come off as, was a creepy sumbitch, so I tried to make myself as nonthreatening as possible. They took note of me rather quickly, and I found out that I had a lump in my throat when they shifted their gazes, “Excuse me, which one of you is Sweetie Bell?” I got that out after looking at the three of them for a minute. Creepiness factor just got raised up by two points… Surprisingly however, and I do mean that, the named filly raised her hoof slowly, “I'm Sweetie Belle.” Ah. I raised a brow at the young one. Out of all the ponies, fillies, colts and alicorns, Sweetie Belle had a color pallette that wasn't all about gouging my goddamn eyes out. Rather than butterscotch, or tan, she had an almost ash color to her fur, combined with a partway of Pink and Purple hair, “Hi… Sweetie Belle. I'm Tick. You're sister asked me to swing by and pick you up.” Sweetie raised a brow of her own, “Why not do it herself?” I shrugged, “I asked her the same thing.” “And?” I frowned deeply, “She batted her eyelashes and said Please.” All girls giggled, which, quite frankly, made me chuckle a little myself, “Oh y’all think that's funny do you?” Sweetie was the one to nod, “Of course! Rarity always has a way with ponies.” Ponies? Huh, these three probably don't know, or don't care about what I am. Anyways, Yeah. Must be from her reserved fuel of bitchiness, “Quite, Sweetie Belle, amongst her threats, yes she does.” Applejack!s sister smiled and waved after I stood from kneeling, “Well it's mighty nice ta meet ya Tick! Mah names Applebloom!” “I'm Scootaloo!” I waved, “Nice to meet you both.” Sweetie smiled, nodding another greeting as I let my eyes fall on her, but cocked her head after a second, “Where are you from, Tick? I don't think I've seen you around here before.” This is becoming an increasingly stressful question, so I smirked and pointed to the mountain behind me, “I come from wwwwaaaaaayyyy over there.” Scootaloo gasped, “You mean Canterlot!?” I shook my head, “Way further than that actually.” The three balls of cute took a moment to think of how far that would be, and gave up after coming up with nothing. “Regardless girls, It was a pleasure meeting you. But I need to make sure Rarity keeps her end of our bargain, so…” Both Applebloom and friend looked at the only unicorn in the bunch. Sweetie scratched the back of her head, “Well Tick… We are in a small conundrum…” Scootaloo perked, “What's that mean?” I payed her no mind and tilted my head, “What kind of conundrum?” “Well. We planned on having a sleepover at Apple Bloom's place, and we all wanted to go. But now because of her sister, we can't.” I scratched my chin, “What about Scootaloo’s place?” Said filly shrugged, “My mom and dad haven't been back in a while. Uncle has been taking care of me and well… he doesn't take well to ponies in the house.” Sweetie sighed, “So the only choice left is my sisters’.” I chuckled, “What does this have to do with me?” All three squined towards me, Scootaloo being the one to say, “You gotta convince her to let us sleepover.” I knew there was a catch, I knew it, yet didn't give a fuck towards it, “Seriously though, why can't you do it?” I said throwing a hand out toward the filly in question, “Do you know what hardship and pain, I had to endure coming all the way over here just to get someone else's SISTER?” I asked planting a hand on my chest. Sweetie was the one to nonchalantly shrug, “I wanted to ask her, but it seems she deems working more fit, than listening to me. See, the Grand Galloping Gala is coming up-” I raised a hand, “The… What now?” Applebloom snickered, “The Grand Galloping Gala. Its some fancy schmancy event famous ponies go to.” The three fillies all said at different intervals, “Like Rarity.” “And Applejack.” “And of course Rainbow Dash!” I had to hold in a burst of laughter by biting my finger, but let them continue, “And their friends too! Rarity has to make alotta dresses, so she doesn't have that much time and patience.” Explains a lot, “So you want me.” All nodded as I continued, “To speak with a pony…” They grew closer, “That hates me as much as I hate her?” Sweetie shrugged and went back to normal, “I mean, she wants you to pick me up. So she trusts you somewhat…” I smiled, “Somewhat being the keyword. First day being around her and she threatened my life, dearest Sweetie. So I tell you what.” I said as I pulled out my stress relievers, “How about a bargain?” Applebloom clopped her hooves together, “Ooooo, ah like this. Whaddya propose?” And judging from how the group nodded their agreements, I could continue, “I'll ask Rarity if you three can sleepover. Whatever good that would do... BUT. I want you to…” I juggled my offer around, ”Mess with some ponies.” Scootaloo giggled, “He wants us to play pranks on ‘em.” I clicked my tongue, “Precisely. But, not pranks, per-say, on everyone. Just… One Pony.” “Who?” I said in all seriousness, “Twilight.” Scootaloo scratched her head, “What? Why her?” “Several reasons. But too complicated to tell you in time for Sweetie Belle to get home. All I would need for you three to do, is… Spy. On her. It's a prank,” I said with a smile, “But a sneaky one.” Applebloom considered the following, her auburn eyes crossing with concentration, “So… If you persuade Ms. Rarity to let us sleep over, we spy on Twilight?” I shrugged, “You can be like, little professional spies or something.” See how smart I was? Oh how I love twiddling people around my fingers. Bargains are something I live for, and whenever someone actually agrees to them? I always win. Anyways, the main point in telling you this, is that I'm not someone you want to get in an argument with. Hm… Badass points have risen about three. Scootaloo gasped, “MAYBE WE CAN EARN A SPY CUTIE MARK!” I'm sorry, a what no- “You really think so?” “Totally.” I watched in a stunned moment as all three of them giggled and grouped together, “CUTIE MARK SPY CRUSADERS!!” I felt the cigarette fall out of my mouth as the three kiddos barreled past me, my mind actually trying to comprehend what had just happened. Did they just say Cutie Mark? EQUESTRAIN LOGI- O.o.O.o.O “No, I don't have any super powers.” “OH! CAN YA FLY?!” “No, I wish I could though.” “Can you disappear?” I raised a brow, “When I'm dead, sure.” All girls groaned and went back to square one, “So he isn't a superpony…” “I'm not a pony…” I muttered under my breath, “Never have been, and never will be.” “Aww… But it's so much fun!!” I sighed in defiance, but played it cool as a new voice cut through the air. Literally the only voice that had an exclamation point at the end of her sentences, Pinkie 3.14… “Look! You can do so many cool things as a Pony, Tick!” Ms. 3.14 emphasized her point by motioning several things with her hooves, “Like dancing, singing, yodeling, Party throwing…” I raised a hand, “Do you actually, ‘throw’, parties?” Pinkie tapped her muzzle, “No, not after that one time with that griffon.” She giggled, “Griffons are born in air, but don't like their parties airborne.” Sighing, I rubbed my face, “Fucking… Puns… Too good for my brain…” “Well I love puns! They're punny!” All girls and even I groaned, “Pinkie…” “Well anyways, where’ve ya been Ticky?” Disregarding my nickname’s nickname, I shrugged, “Here and there, Twilight gave me a room in her treehouse and that's where I slept yesterday night.” “Oooooh. Cool! So you were able to see Rarity then?” Nodding, I pulled a cigarette out, “Yes, by now, she should have my attire ready. But for the time that was spared for us, she and I got pur boundaries set…” Smirking, I chuckled, “She hates me now, which is cool.” Pinkie deflated a little, “Aw… Tick, you have to make friends somehow!” I raised my hands on self defense, “Hey woah now, watch it with the, “F”, word Pinkie. “But you don't have anypony to have fun with!” I gasped, “PINKIE! You said another, “F”, word!!” Pinkie giggled, “But it's for good reason! Tick, you gotta at least settle in while you're here!” I blurghed, “Blurgh..” Scootaloo flapped her little wings, failing in lifting off the ground, but actually buzzed her way over to where I was, “Hey, at least she didn't start singing.” I blinked, “Wait. When you guys get emotional, you fucking sing?” When Scootaloo nodded, I felt my stomach drop a few times in realization of a Ponyville Musical being possible. It wasn't just scary, it was legitimately horrifying. Pinkie suddenly appeared in front of me, “Yep! If you're a pony, you can sing with us!” I flicked her on the nose, “But I'm not. So I'm not going to sing.” I expanded my hands, “How's that for a mindfuck?” Pinkie tilted her head.. like a fucking cat. “Do you not know how to sing?” She asked me sincerely. I inhaled sharply, “No, I do. But me singing, has the tendency of people going deaf.” The 3.14 mare giggled. “You can't be that bad. Besides, all that matters is that you have fun!” I hissed, “STAHP!! We are near children! Cursing takes you nowhere Pinkie.” Pinkie suddenly blinked and you could almost see the gears turning in her mind as she tried to figure something out. With quick sweeps, I gathered the three balls of fur, “Quick, while Pinkie is still thinking!” No other words were spared as we all surely made our way away from Pinkie Pie. The end result, was me gasping for air, doubling over for precious oxygen. “Say Tick,” Asked Scootaloo, who cocked her head to the side, “Since you know Twilight and Rarity, you gotta know Rainbow Dash right?” I pointed at Scootaloo, “Do NOT, speak of her. EVER.” I coughed, dusting myself off, “I regrettably do, know her. And for the boasting, egotistical rainbolic sonofa bi-...cycle… she is, I wish I didn't know her.” “How could you say that? You've only known her for a while right?” I nodded, “Yep.” Scootaloo argued as we walked, “Then how can you dislike her in such a short time?” Smiling, I leaned down, “See, Scoots, My mom always said, that if someone disrespects you at first greet, you treat them like sh-...oes… until otherwise.” All three looked thoughtful for the moment, “Is there anypony you don't dislike?” Scratching my chin, I let out a, ‘hm’, “Well, there's Der-” I never really got to finish that sentence. Something had caused almost everyone, and pony to stop and stare, mouths open agape in confusion and shock. Why, might you ask? And thank you for doing so. See, As I was spitting out the rest of my words, and actually going onto a topic that I would be cringing about for a while, a loud, CRACK, resounded the area, That was what grabbed everyone's attention, heads and eyes shifted to the sound, and jjuuuusstt barely, just barely, you could see a pure circle of what I had to assume was a fucking rainbow. But guess who was behind it though, Rainbow Dash. It's in the name, and seconds too late, I finally figure out why they call her that. Grudgingly, I would've never guessed for her to actually break the damn sound barrier. Equestrian Logic later, and it happens right before my ears… Which are still fucking ringing by the way... Now, Immediately, I would've lost interest, because it was Dash's handiwork, no brainer. But, something was wrong. Really wrong, if I had to say it, I would put it as Dead Wrong. Because after the light show of ROYGBIV, another CRACK, split open the silent walkways. Murmured gasps spread through the crowd like wildfire, and we all watched as the Pegasus veered off course, her form actually seeming to be limp. Scootaloo took it harder than most and took to my back, her eyes betraying her concern, “C’mon Dash… PULL UP!!” I watched with a hand cupped on my forehead, seeing that her shape had started flipping, the rainbow trail following her wake. And in truth, she never pulled up, eventually bouncing off of the ground, sliding over to the middle of the crowd. So yeah, instead of a light show after the second crack, and all the oo’s and ah’s that would ensue, there was instead a mangled mess of cyan fur and pegasus feathers littering the gravel. How did it go again… Hold on… Oh yeah, “Ermagerd, She's fallen and can't get up.” O.o.O.o.O