//------------------------------// // Hooman // Story: Pinkie Pie Tells A Story // by FeverishPegasus //------------------------------// “Please stay,” Pinkie Pie pleaded. “You really need to hear this last part.” “Really.” “Yes! Just hear me out for this last story and I promise it’ll all come together.” Little Pip sat there for a while, relishing the fact that he’d gotten control of the conversation. It was very tempting for him to leave, but Pinkie’s hopeful face was irresistible. Maybe just one more story. As long as it made her happy. He opened his mouth, ready to say yes, but Pinkie interrupted him. “Great!” she said as she continued the story, Pip’s peeved face getting redder by the second. So you see, I wasn’t always a pony. In fact, I used to be something called a hooman. Chances are, you’ve never heard of hoomans before, but that’s because you haven’t opened your third eye yet. Not to worry, it’ll happen eventually. Regardless, in this wide wide multiverse known as Floob, named by me of course, there actually exists a universe in which there is no magic, no love, and no friendship. Only the strongest and most powerful creatures that exist in this realm were allowed to survive and create mini versions of themselves so that their bloodline could be continued. Eventually, one species rose above them all. The dolphins. However, they remained a docile race, and lived simple lives in the oceans, letting the other species flourish in their domain. Therefore, the second best species, the hoomans, grew to be terrifying creatures. Somehow, they managed to harness the powers of friendship from other dimensions, so that they could more easily work together and organize their efforts. Let me tell you, the things they achieved were incredible! I wish you could’ve seen the things I saw. Huge huge buildings! Flying metal birds! Magic mirrors in, I kid you not, every house. However, all of those don’t even compare to their greatest achievement. Easy Bake Ovens. Have you ever seen a portable oven? Ok, ok. I’ll stop geeking out now so that we can continue with the story. Oh. I see. I’m not sure what ‘geeking’ means either, Little Pip, it’s been too long and it’s just something I say. But forget that. I used to be a hooman that lived on a street called Times Square, which wasn’t exactly high class unfortunately. Smarts have never been my smart suit, so I spent most of my time pressing buttons over and over on keyboards for no real reason and acting like I knew what I was doing. Every now and then, though, a stupider hooman would tell me I was doing something wrong, of which the solution usually involved clicking the buttons faster, or more deliberately. I got really good at it. It also helped that I had fancy pieces of paper to show to the other hoomans so that they trusted me. I said lots of crazy stuff about buttons while brandishing my papers and it worked out pretty well. Lots of hoomans needed me because of it. However, I eventually got tired of pressing the buttons. They just didn’t give me the satisfaction I wanted anymore, and I found myself watching pre-recorded videos of us! Little Pip, this is the craziest part, so stay with me. Somehow, they know what we’re up to. They have these special hoomans that can look into other dimensions, and when they come back from their vision fugue states, they know. They know about me Pipsqueak, they know about you! You know what? I bet one is spying on us right now! How creepy is that huh? … No, Little Pip, don’t worry. They aren’t watching you all the time. It usually happens when ponies do the thing. Yes. Yeah. That’s what I mean by the thing. It means exactly what you think it means. Okay, on with the story. Some of these hoomans that can see into these alternate dimensions are called writers. The other ones are called animators. Animators focus more on what we look like, while the writers focus more on what we do. They all come together to make a perfect representation of some of our shenanigans in this universe. I’m not kidding. It is perfectly, one hundred percent accurate. How crazy is that huh? And what’s more, lots of hoomans come together and watch these representations. There’s even this big fan-club! I’m proud to say that I’m the most popular. Yes, Little Pip, you have your own fans too. Ooooh, yeah. They probably caught you kissing Diamond Tiara behind the school building. I hate to say it, but that’s the kind of stuff they’re interested in. Don’t worry about it though, y’know? They’re all super far away, and most of them wouldn’t imagine hurting you. You’re asking how I got here? Yeah, like I said, the hoomans are stuck where they are. I did something special to travel over. You remember my bit about the third eye right? I got it by sniffing the fumes of burning plants, but don’t try that at home. Why not? Let’s just say that the stuff here is a little more potent. Especially the poison joke. Either way, I opened my third eye and thought myself into existence here, leaving my previous body behind, and let me tell you, was my first day exciting. I got to run around scaring ponies away with my furless body, it freaked them out so bad. Yeah Pip. Didn’t I tell you before? Hoomans don’t have fur. I remember once I cornered one of them, and booped his nose. He became a hero in the city that he lived in. No pony had ever been brave enough to be touched by a hooman. Eventually though, Celestia turned me into a pony. I’d terrorized the other ponies for long enough it seemed, but hey, I’ve still got some tricks up my sleeve. I can make some pretty crazy faces. I get that you want to see them, but those are only for special occasions, okay? No more interruptions! I need to finish! So short story long, I ended up assimilating myself into the community. It took years to do, but I finally got all the mannerisms down…for the most part. I fully identify as pony nowadays, but every now and then I like to put a bit of a hooman spin into my conversations. It’s why so many other ponies find me interesting. Also why I’m the most popular in the hooman world. I’d have to say it’s really interesting that Celestia chose me to be one of the bearers of the elements. As a hooman turned pony, I’ve always lacked a pony’s normal ability to love others. A lot of my quirky mannerisms and smiles are what I use to cover it up. Like, what use would she have for me? It hit me a few years ago though. We hoomans knew how to laugh. I’m not sure if you’ve seen it around here, but a lot of the ponies are really stuck up. Like super duper stuck up. I make a joke, and they’re just like, what did you say to me? I’d say one of the things I have, that other ponies don’t, is the ability to look at how utterly hopeless your situation might be, how absolutely alone you are going to feel when you die, how isolated it feels to know that you are the only one that wants what you want, and just laugh at it all. To just say “buck it!” and forget about the pain. Back in my world, it was a necessity to be able to do that, because sometimes, every now and then, you didn’t want to keep fighting. You just wanted to be coddled, or worse, to just die. Back in my world, you had to keep looking at the things that hurt you and scarred you and marred you, and keep moving forward! You had to stare at those things and smile, laugh even, say things like “Bring it on motherbucker. I’ve got so much more where that came from!” You had to shake your fists at the sky, cursing whoever decided to bring this sick twisted world into existence and fight! And then on those days where you didn’t have much particularly going on, and you felt your soul eroding away, you had to fight some more! You had to keep telling yourself that everything was going to be okay, that the feelings you were feeling would pass. And if they didn’t you made them pass! You would get yourself a cup of coffee, laugh, take a sip, and laugh again! Every night before you went to sleep you had to put a grin on as you confronted your own existential dread about whether or not all that fighting ever mattered. You had to keep telling yourself that it did matter! That the whole reason the universe never chose to give you clear answers was so that you could create your own! You had to tell yourself that you were lucky to have such a large amount of freedom, because after all, without hopes and ambitions, who are we exactly? Bartledanians? No! We are humans dammit! And we will fight, laugh, and fight some more! And then, when it’s all said and done. And we hit the eye of the storm, we’re allowed to rest, because we deserve it. Even in these moments we laugh, because really, life is just kinda absurd. Little Pip stared at Pinkie’s legs, imagining what they might look like without fur.