Ah, another beautiful day in Ponyville.
I had just finished up work for the morning, and was now on my lunch break. I opened up the brown paper bag that held my lunch and pulled out an apple to munch on. Given the weather, it made no sense not to eat outside today. In fact, the rest of the week called for pretty decent weather. Cheerilee was still teaching class, so I couldn't just have lunch with her today. Too bad. Ah well, we'd have a nice dinner together later in the evening. Maybe I could catch some fish before I went home for the day so we could have that. She did keep saying that she was interested in trying meat. We'll see.
I made it to the park and sat down on one of the nearby benches. I noticed a single comic book lying next to me, but I didn't pick it up. There were a lot of families around. Some colt had probably just set it down while he went to go play on the swing set. No need for me to make any kind of deal about it. I bit into my apple and leaned against the backrest of the bench while pony watching. I'd need to get back to work in about forty-five minutes, but until then, I could just relax.
As I finished my apple, I glanced back down at the comic. Just out of random curiosity, of course. Maybe it was the latest issue of the Power Ponies. Or one of the new Daring Do comics that had just started coming out. I pulled it over and glanced at the title. I frowned. Man Comics?
I set my apple core down on the bag so I could give the comic my full attention. Man wasn't a word I'd heard with any regularity in years. No species on this planet referred to their males as "men" so I couldn't think of a reason as to why a comic would exist with that title. As far as I was aware, I was the only man on the planet.
I dunno. Maybe it meant something else.
Glancing around to make sure that no fillies or colts were coming over to collect their missing comic, I flipped to the first page and began reading.
* * * *
PUNCH!
"Get out of my way, tree! Nobody gets in the way of The Punchmaster!"
A few tree leaves fell to the ground as The Punchmaster ran through the park punching everything that got in his way. That tended to mean trees and playground equipment. Ponies all around him ran for their lives as he continued his rampage.
"Punch!" The Punchmaster punched a swing, causing it to fly forward and over the bar. "Master!" The swing came back around and hit The Punchmaster over the head, knocking him forward. He whirled around and punched the swing again. "Nobody swings at The Punchmaster!"
"Sir, I must insist you calm down!" said a cop who had just arrived at the scene. He approached The Punchmaster slowly, like one would a wounded animal. Except people shouldn't approach wounded animals because that's stupid. They bite when startled. Except The Punchmaster doesn't bite. The Punchmaster punches.
"Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster roared, sending the officer flying with one mighty blow.
"Officer down! Officer down!" the police officer moaned.
"The Punchmaster is bored of this. He will go elsewhere!"
The officer groaned and slowly got to his hooves. He didn't get paid enough for this crap. Even if he did, he still didn't. Backup. That's what he needed. Backup.
* * * *
Twilight Sparkle and her friends ran through the streets of Ponyville, each with their Element of Harmony around their necks. If something had taken control of TD, they needed to be ready. They spotted Lyra and Bon Bon on the side of the road. Lyra was lying next to Bon Bon, tending to the lump on her friend's head.
"Lyra! What happened?!" Twilight cried as she ran up to them.
"Strangest thing, really," Lyra said, dabbing at Bon Bon's head. "TD just came through shouting something about being "The Punchmaster" and hitting everything he saw. Bonnie asked him why and he just punched her and said 'nobody questions The Punchmaster.'" Lyra shrugged. "Makes about as much sense to me as anything else that goes on in this town."
"So awesome," Bon Bon groaned. "He punched through a brick wall."
"Really?" Rainbow Dash said, her ears perking up. "That's so cool!"
"Rainbow, focus!" Twilight scolded. "Where did he go, Lyra?"
Lyra shrugged. "I think he was heading toward the train station. Don't ask me why."
"D'ya think Cheerilee would be 'lright with a threesome?" Bon Bon muttered thickly.
"Probably not, Bonnie," Lyra said with a wistful smile. "Unfortunately."
"Lyra, how could you say something like that!" Rarity said, aghast. "TD and Cheerilee have a loving relationship, and I don't think either of them would be open to adding other mares to whatever they do in the bedroom."
"Well sorry, Rarity, but you didn't see it!" Lyra retorted. "He punched Spoiled Rich so hard I think I saw money fly out of her! Not out of her saddlebag, out of Spoiled Rich herself!"
"I think some of it was Botox," Bon Bon pointed out helpfully.
"Right. I think I saw that, too."
"Don't forget his manly musk," Bon Bon purred.
"Oh yeah, that too!" Lyra said.
Twilight groaned. She didn't have time for this nonsense.
"Come on, girls, let's just get to the train station," Twilight said through gritted teeth. She could already tell this was going to suck to deal with.
* * * *
"Sir, I'm sorry, but the train is delayed right now. We have a bit of a problem with the boiler."
The Punchmaster's eyes narrowed. "Nobody delays The Punchmaster!"
"Sir, I'm afraid I don't know what to tell you!" the station manager said, sweat beginning to form on his brow. "We'll get this train going as soon as we can! Besides, I don't even think you bought a ticket yet."
PUNCH!
"Nobody tickets The Punchmaster!"
With the Magic of Music providing the epic music, The Punchmaster stomped onto the train and into the boiler car, where two mechanics, one mare and one stallion, were working to get the boiler going. They both shot up when he entered the car.
"Excuse me, sir, but this is a restricted area," said the stallion. "If you could just go back to your seat we--"
PUNCH!
"This boiler is like Celestia: STUPID!" The Punchmaster rushed over to the boiler and began punching it repeatedly. The mare screamed and backed up against the wall.
"Sir, I don't think that's going to--"
The train lurched forward and, to the surprise of everyone, began moving. The mare's jaw dropped as dozens of ponies on the platform began running to catch the train that had started to pick up speed.
PUNCH! PUNCH! PUNCH!
The mare sat down and began fanning herself. My word. What an interesting turn of events for her. The stallion on the floor groaned, but neither one paid attention to him. The boiler door dented with every mighty blow from The Punchmaster's fists, and still the train continued to pick up speed. They might travel forward in time at this rate.
Finally, with one last blow, the boiler door flew off its hinges. The Punchmaster straightened up and nodded in satisfaction. His work was done. He nonchalantly turned and began walking back to the passenger cars. The mare, her eyes wide and wings fully erect, scooped up the battered boiler door and cradled it close to her chest.
"Um... are you single?" she said breathlessly. "Or do you at least have ten minutes of free time?"
"You couldn't handle The Punchmaster."
"Okay. Yeah, probably not." The mare hugged the boiler door closer. "I'll... uh... just keep this, then. Always."
* * * *
"He did what?" Twilight cried.
"Well, if what we're hearing from one of the ponies on the train is true, Mr. Powell walked onto the train and punched it until it started," said another one of the station managers. The one who hadn't been on the wrong end of an awesome punch.
"But..." Twilight's eye twitched. "That's not even possible!"
"Doesn't need to be possible if it's awesome!" Rainbow said, triggering nods of agreement from Pinkie and Applejack. Even Fluttershy tilted her head because she gets it.
"But you can't use punches to power a train! It goes against everything we know!"
Applejack shrugged. "Guess TD can."
"Yeah, and has anypony ever tried to power a train with punches? If not, how would you ever know it won't work?" Rainbow Dash said smugly. Boom. Mic drop.
"No! It's... I... grr, that's not how it works!" Twilight the Comeback Queen said.
"Looks like it might be!" Pinkie said happily. "I'm gonna try that next time we have to go somewhere!"
"No, Pinkie just... no." Twilight facehooved. "Okay, so where was that train going, and when will there be another one going to that location?"
"Well, that train was going to Manehattan, and we won't get another Manehattan train until five o'clock."
"But that's over four hours from now!" Twilight groaned.
"Sorry," said the station manager. "If you'll excuse me, Ms. Sparkle. I have to watch my co-worker until the paramedics arrive."
"Fine." Twilight sighed and tried the breathing exercise Cadance had taught her. Brilliant. "Okay, girls, since we can't get to Manehattan, I think it's time we let Princess Celestia know what's going on. We should also let the Manehattan train station know what's going on so they can keep an eye out for him."
* * * *
PUNCH!
The train doors burst outward and The Punchmaster hopped onto the platform of the Manehattan train station. A dozen police officers, some of whom were brandishing nightsticks and pepper spray, moved in and surrounded him before he could throw a single punch, so fast, is what I'm saying.
"The Punchmaster is not in the mood for this," The Punchmaster growled.
"Sir, if you could get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back," one of the cops said, taking a pair of hoofcuffs off of his belt. What a fool. I would say the order made The Punchmaster clench his fist, but his hand is always a fist. Always.
"Just do it, sir," another officer said, brandishing his can of pepper spray like he really thought it would do something. Hope and optimism is a wonderful, sometimes foolish thing. "We really don't want this to get violent."
"That's always what The Punchmaster wants!" The Punchmaster roared. Just as he began to charge, he was surprisingly stopped by a single, strong voice.
"That's enough of that!"
The group paused as a single blind stallion walked between the two sides. He swiveled his ears and turned toward The Punchmaster. "Now son, let's not be too hasty. The officer is right. There's no need to resort to violence. Just talk to me and we'll sort all of this out."
The Punchmaster's eyes narrowed. What a fool. He thought his blindness would save him. The Punchmaster was not a basilisk.
"Uh, Mr. Mediator, I think we've got this," said another officer.
"Violence should never be the first answer, and I've been doing this for thirty years, sonny," Calm Mediator said. "Now, then, what's your--"
PUNCH!
"Nobody interrupts The Punchmaster!"
"He attacked! Bring him down!" said the sergeant.
"Holy Celestia, I can see!" Calm Mediator said.
"Punchmaaaaasssssttterrr!" The Punchmaster roared as he began punching every police pony he could, which, considering how good he was at punching, was all of them. Cops began flying back like inept rodeo clowns. Or inept clowns in general.
"TD, what in Equestria are you doing?!"
The Punchmaster stopped punching for a moment to see Princess Cadance and Shining Armor running toward him. They stopped at a spot they foolishly thought was out of range for his punches.
"TD, I don't know what's going on, but we can figure this out!" Cadance said while Shining Armor observed the groaning mass of Manehattan's finest. He considered that they seemed to be about as competent as Canterlot's Finest. "I'm sure this is all a big--"
"PUNCH..."
With one mighty swing of his fist, The Punchmaster uppercutted Cadance, sending her flying straight up in the air at at least a good... oh... nine hundred miles an hour. Easy. Shining Armor shot The Punchmaster with his most fiery glare, much to the chagrin of his optometrist, and snorted steam as he lit up his horn for an attack.
"Oh that does it, buddy! You're going--"
"...MASTER!"
Shining Armor flew straight up after his wife.
* * * *
Princess Celestia sighed as she surveyed the madness before her. She had received the call about TD's activities in Manehattan, but even knowing him, the sheer scope of the damage surprised her.
"Sister? What shall we do about this?" Luna asked, staring down at a groaning police officer. "This does not sound like TD Powell, but this must not go unpunished."
"I think the first order of business is to find TD," Celestia said, staring at a flock of mares who were fighting over pieces of plaster from the walls TD had punched down. "If we can stop him, he could likely explain what has been happening. My student has not given me much information to work with."
"So he is just punching."
"It seems so."
"Of all the things he could do, that somehow seems the least surprising."
Celestia allowed herself a small titter before walking over to a mare who looked to be fending other mares away from the broken train doors, having claimed them for herself. When she saw Celestia and Luna, she growled at them and hugged the doors close as best she could.
"No! Mine! Get your own!" A crazed grin crossed the mare's face, and she sniffed the doors. "They smell of him!"
Celestia inwardly sighed, but gave the mare a motherly smile. "I am not here to take those, my little pony. I am merely asking where he went."
"It was so wonderful!" the mare said, her tail starting to lift ever so slightly. "When he was done punching everything, he grabbed the bottle of scotch that every ticket salespony has somewhere, downed the whole thing in one gulp, then literally punched the air until it took him where he wanted to go!"
Celestia tried to register that, but not even she could register how punchingly punchtastic that was. She settled for simply moving on.
"I... see. So where did he end up going?"
The mare shrugged and began rubbing her cheek on the door. "I don't know for sure. If you find him, tell him I'm here waiting!"
Celestia shook her head and turned back to Luna. "I must admit, this is a new one."
"Indeed." Luna looked back to the fighting mares. "Should we do something about this?"
"Probably," Celestia said with a nod. "For now we need to see if there is anything magical about what is happening."
"Oh there is!" the mare with the doors moaned. "There totally is!"
"Once we figure that out, we can solve this," Celestia continued, ignoring the mare. "I think that TD might have--"
It was at that moment that Cadance impacted right next to Celestia. Celestia let out a startled, regal yelp and flinched back. Her eyes widened when she saw her niece.
"Cadance!" Celestia cried. "Are you alright?"
Cadance groaned and rubbed her head. "So awesome," she whispered.
"What happened?" Luna asked. "Did you cross paths with TD Powell?"
"Punchmaster," Cadance corrected thickly, draping a foreleg over her head. "Awesome."
Luna shook her head. "Assault on royalty, Tia. His list of charges grows."
"It does seem that way, yes," Celestia agreed. "We will still need to find him first."
It was at that moment that Shining Armor landed next to his wife.
"Ow," he said.
* * * *
"Alright, class, we're going to move on to our math lesson now!" Cheerilee said happily, taking out the corresponding folder of notes. "Today we're going to be learning fractions and decimals!"
A few members of the class groaned a bit, but Cheerilee ignored them. They would come around. She had developed a few tricks over the years to make seemingly boring subjects interesting. They'd never failed her yet.
"Now, then, if I divide five by nine--"
The door flew open, revealing The Punchmaster standing there with an extended fist.
"Punchmaster!"
Cheerilee flinched back in shock at the loud noise and dropped her chalk. She saw her husband standing in the destroyed doorway of the school house and blinked owlishly at him.
"Uh... TD? What's going on? I'm in the middle of class." She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "And I thought you shaved this morning."
"Punchmaster!" The Punchmaster rushed forward and scooped Cheerilee up. He threw her over his shoulder and began walking out.
"TD, what are you doing?" Cheerilee squawked. "I'm in the middle of... put me down or... oh, is that what's happening? I mean... there's still class and... oh... very well." Cheerilee grinned seductively at her husband before turning back to her class. "Class is dismissed. See you all..." She looked back at TD. "At some point."
"Punchmaster," The Punchmaster crooned.
"Punchmaster indeed," Cheerilee replied, rubbing The Punchmaster's back. "Punchmaster in-- ooh, TD! Wait until we're home!"
* * * *
Celestia stopped in front of TD's house and took a deep breath. If Twilight was correct, TD was in there with Cheerilee. Who knew what was happening with them? After Twilight had told her mentor that TD had returned to Ponyville, she essentially told Celestia that she was done for the day with Punchmasters and stuff. Only her friends and Luna had followed Celestia to confront TD. Mostly out of curiosity.
"Alright, ladies, let's see what the damage is," Celestia said. She lit her horn and opened the door to TD's house.
To her surprise, it didn't look nearly as destroyed as she thought it would. She lit her horn and cast a tracking spell to make sure that TD was even still here. Yes, there were two beings in the house. Then three. Then four. Then eight! Her eyes widened until she looked back and realize that the increase in numbers came from her sister and Twilight's friends entering the house behind her. She smiled sheepishly. What a ditzy horse.
"Is he here?" Luna whispered.
"Yes, he's upstairs."
"Not as much punching stuff as I thought there would be," Rainbow said, disappointment in her voice.
"Yes, I thought the whole house would be destroyed, based on his past actions," Rarity said.
"It does not seem that way," Celestia said. Though we have not found TD yet. I believe he is upstairs."
The group all moved to the upper level, where Celestia's spell led them to the bedroom door.
"Maybe we shouldn't go in there," Rarity said, taking an uneasy step back. "If TD and Cheerilee are in there, they might be... doing things that we should not be watching."
"You can just say rutting, Rarity," Rainbow Dash said flatly.
"Or bangin'," Applejack replied thoughtfully.
"Shaking the whole house!" Pinkie cried happily.
"That's not what the other ponies in flight school called it," Fluttershy muttered. "We always just called it fu--"
"Anyway," Celestia said a little forcefully. "It matters not what they are doing. What matters is that we have to stop TD before he does any more damage."
"And it is not like you have ever lost sleep over interrupting the coitus of happy couples," Luna grumbled.
"Hello pot, I'm kettle," Celestia said snootily, sticking her nose in the air. "Regardless..." Celestia opened the door to the bedroom and walked in.
Like the rest of the house, the room was fairly well maintained. It did not look like a tornado had gone through it, like Celestia expected. The only thing out of sorts was the bed, where two beings rested. TD was there, as hoped, completely conked out. Only his head stuck out from under the covers. Cheerilee, in her human form, had covered herself with the blanket with only her arms and head sticking out. She woozily looked up when Celestia walked in.
"Oh, uh... hello, Princess." She brushed a whispy lock of mane out of her face. "I'd bow but... it's uh... it's going to be a few days before I can walk again."
"I see."
"I've never seen him like that before." Cheerilee looked down at her sleeping husband and smiled. "I like it."
"Yes, we're trying to discern exactly what happened," Celestia said, walking over to TD and leaning down to examine him. "This is most unlike him."
"Sort of," Cheerilee pointed out. "He punches things sometimes and we do married couple stuff a lot. So whatever happened just brought out stuff that was already there, I guess." Cheerilee took a deep breath and leaned her head against the headboard. "I think I might go to sleep now."
"I guess you'd better," Rainbow Dash said before adding "lucky dog" under her breath. Applejack heard her comment and nodded in agreement.
"It is quite strange," Celestia said, casting a few spells to determine TD's state. "He doesn't seem to be under the influence of any magic right now. If he was magically influenced, the magic has worn off. If he..." Celestia's gaze trailed over to TD's bedside table, and her eyes widened. Suddenly all the pieces clicked into place.
A Man Comic
"Did he read that?" Celestia asked fearfully.
"I guess so," Cheerilee said with a shrug. "I've never seen it before. I read a bit of it myself, and it was funny, but it didn't do anything to me."
"Oh dear. This explains everything." Celestia picked up the comic in her magic and held it away from her like it was a poisonous snake. "These comics are known to have powerful magic in them that increases masculine tendencies. Legend says that a powerful wizard made them."
"Oh," Cheerilee said, looking at the comic thoughtfully. "So, um... where can we get more?"
"I'm sorry, dear Cheerilee, but it is best that TD doesn't read any more of these."
"Oh come on, Princess. Just one more? Please?"
"I'm afraid not."
Just then, TD groaned. Everypony turned to look at him as he began waking up. He cracked open one eye and yawned before sitting up. He saw the ponies in his crowded room and raised an eyebrow.
"What are you looking at?" He looked to Celestia. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No! No no no no no not at all!" Cheerilee said, latching onto her husband and rubbing his chest. "No, do it more!"
"Huh?"
"Well, maybe not all of it," Celestia said. "TD, I'm afraid that you've been under the influence of some very powerful magic this afternoon. You, ah, well, you went around punching everything."
"I did?"
"Yeah," Rainbow said. "It was so awesome!" The rest of Twilight's friends nodded.
"And so sexy," Cheerilee said, nuzzling into TD's chest.
"Huh." He looked back to Celestia. "So, did I do a lot of damage?"
"I'm afraid so, TD."
"I see." He shook his head and gently wiggled out of Cheerilee's grasp. "Well, I guess you want to talk more about that. If you could all, uh... while I get decent."
The mares, save for Cheerilee, all turned around while TD got up and began dressing. Pinkie Pie tried to turn her head for a quick glance, but a nudge from Rarity, who had already stolen her glance, stopped her.
"Okay, you're good." The mares all turned back around. "So should we talk here, or...?"
"We can go somewhere more comfortable," Celestia said. "I'm sure you're interested in the story."
"I am, I really am. But before we do, I only have one thing to say to you, Celestia."
"Oh? What?"
...
PUNCH!
"PUNCHMASTER!!!!"