//------------------------------// // OSP: And The Pants are Goin' Down // Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// It took Dan and company a day's drive at top speed and another day trekking through the jungle to reach Appleloosa. Rather than taking the main road, Dan drove through a tunnel that happened to go through part of the Everfree Forest that was leftover from when he tried to ambush Flim and Flam. The terrain was a bit difficult to navigate, especially in the chariot but doing so helped them avoid detection by the Enclave. The Everfree Forest was massive and horseshoe-shaped that wrapped around the heart of Equestria. It was thickest to the south and formed a natural barrier between Ponyville and the Badlands that surrounded the kingdom. Appleloosa was far to the west, the train tracks and dirt roads traveling around the horseshoe bend and into the more rugged territory. Dan traveled through the western edge of the Everfree, concealing their movements from air patrols all the way to the desert facility known as Halberd Base. The sun was just creeping across the sandy landscape as Dan and company reached the fringe of the jungle closest to the base. Dan sighted his target through a pair of binoculars. "There it is- the Enclave's little clubhouse on our turf." "Quite the formidable fortress," Phoenix remarked, looking through his own binoculars. "Looks like it was an old train station they repurposed. That must be why Vice took control of the railways." "He converted every railroad in Equestria into some kind of goofy monorail," Dan said, eyeing the still-levitating tracks. The only rails that weren't still hovering off the ground were around Ponyville and Canterlot. "I bet somepony in there knows why." "Getting in isn't going to be easy," Phoenix said. The base was a gigantic, cog-shaped structure surrounded by a fence. Beyond the fence, a wall separated the base from the outside and an energy shield rose up from that wall to form a dome. And all around the complex, on the ground, walls and on top of the base itself, turrets. "Fences, barricades, turrets and I'm willing to bet there's a minefield between us and even the outer perimeter. They've got that place armed to the teeth." "That's not even the worst of it," Gust Grasp said, looking through a kaleidoscope. He put it down to observe the base in full, a grim look on his face. "The minefield and the walls we could take out easy, if we had the time. It's those air patrols that are the problem." "Yeah," Phoenix agreed. "Like bees swarming around a hive." Gust pointed above the base and drew his talon to the bottom. "See that? They're using the Cake Defense. That's bad for us." Both Phoenix and Dan put down their binoculars and asked, "What's the Cake Defense?" "It's a triple-layer top-to-bottom defense strategy, kind of like a cake. When I had my fleet, generally, we avoided bases or towns that were able to pull off this kind of defense. Fortunately, not many places did because it requires a lot of crew and a lot of tech," Gust explained. "You have the top layer, that's all those pegasi flying high above the cake in a circular pattern. Those pegasi up there keep an eye out for any long-range threats like missiles, fighters- preparation for your bomber, most likely. Anything that's coming high and fast, they'll be able to see coming and set up for interception." Gust then pointed to the base itself. "Then, there's the second layer- those Enclavers circling the base but not going over it. See how they never go higher than the base itself?" "Yeah." "That's to monitor the other defenses while staying under radar range. If anything tries to attack the turrets on the walls or the roof, they'll be able to counter it. They also keep watch on the pegasi above the base in case we try to hit them with SAMs or something, anti-air." Dan rubbed his chin. "So they have defenses FOR their defenses and THOSE defenses... are well-defended. Heh, that's something I'd do." "And finally, surrounding the base are surface patrols. They keep an eye on the middle guys and surveillance keeps an eye on them. They're the weakest gap on the ground but also the hardest to get to. The only thing they tell us is where we can step because they obviously won't walk into the minefield," Gust chuckled. "Not even the Enclave is that stupid." "It's still all vulnerable to a diversion. All we need is the right one," Dan remarked, grinning at the base. "And I think I have just the trick." "Oh yeah?" Gust asked. "What's that?" "Okay," Dan turned around and huddled with them. "First, I want you and the Blasties to set up some of those road flares from the trailer like fireworks. Then, get the power winch and lay it in a circle around the trailer, big enough for a few of those ground patrols." Blast Fuse nodded. "Ahh... I see where you're going with this." "Then, once they're out of the way, fly the sisters over the fence to the back of the base and bust a hole in the wall. After that, be ready for us," Dan said, determination in his voice. "What about the turrets and the cameras?" Blast Powder asked. Dan grinned. "Don't you worry about those. I'm willing to bet the surveillance here is all tied into the same hub along with the turrets so... I have a way to take those out. Nicky, you'll be coming with me in the chariot for that. And you'll be driving." "No problem. It looks like Daring's tracks are still fresh, so I should be able to follow those with the chariot and avoid the mines," Phoenix said. About two hours later, the base's patrol patterns had not changed. Lieutenant Hex Ray, known for her keen eyes, was finishing up her patrol when she noticed a bright flash of light to the east. Just outside the base's perimeter, somewhere in the forest, somepony was shooting off fireworks. "Command, this is Cobra-one. I'm seeing some sort of disturbance outside the base." "Copy, Cee-one, our scanners have nothing." She magnified the edge of the forest in her visor, her HUD and OATES targeting system revealed no information but displayed the bright lights blooming and whirling just above the tree line. "I don't know what to tell ya, command; I'm looking right at some kind of disturbance." Other ponies in her patrol, as well as other patrols stopped and trotted up to the edge of the fence to see. "Viper-four, here. Command, I confirm what Cobra-one is seeing. Looks like fireworks or something coming from the Everfree." "Copy that, uhhh... scope shows nothing, patrol. You're clear to investigate." "Rodger that. Will report back," Hex said, glaring at the fireworks. She and most of the other ground patrol units took off, engaging their power armor's thrusters to carry them above the fence. They flew over the minefield and landed just in front of the trees at the edge of the forest. The fireworks continued as the Enclave ponies approached. Hex Ray in the lead, she and several of her comrades cycled through filters on their visor but the bright flashes caused such a glare, it distorted their optical sensors. They pushed into the underbrush, searching for the source of the disturbance, when they heard a familiar voice. "Come one! Come all! You won't be disappointed by the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie's incredible magic show!" Trixie's voice announced. "Anypony else hearing that?" Hex asked. "I do but I've got nothing on visual. This has to be some kind of a joke." "Or maybe it's REAL magic, heheh." "Cut the chatter," Hex barked. "Weapons ready." She swept around with the barrels of her saddle caster, the pronged barrels pointing directly ahead of her. The trees continued to get thicker as they approached the spot where the fireworks and the voice were coming from. "Don't be shy, Ponyvillians! The astounding powers of Trixie are guaranteed to amaze and bedazzle! This is one show you won't want to miss!" Finally, they crept into a small cleared area where the canopy was open to the sky. A trailer sat in the middle of it with a pair of road flares and some roman candles stuck into the ground at either side of it. There was no sign of anypony. Hex Ray lowered her weapons, looking around. "Base, this is patrol. Have located source of the disturbance but not-" a light caught her eye inside the trailer. "Hold on." She walked inside the trailer. On the floor, she noticed a cell phone lying face up, the display lit. She picked it up. "This video is for educational purposes only," the Trixie in the playing Youtube video said. "For more lessons on performance magic, visit Trixie's website at The-Great-And-Powerful-Trixie-dot-" *BRRRRREEEEEEEEESHHHHHH!* "The heck is that?!" "Cobra Squad! Fallback, it's a-" The tow cable that had surrounded the trailer whipped backwards. It caught the ponies that had surrounded the trailer, pulling them all towards the doors. Before they could run or fly, they were caught as it rubber-banded back towards the doors, catching the over two-dozen power armored ponies and yanking them off their hooves. Hex Ray had time to key her comms one last time before the entire patrol group slammed into her and the doors slammed shut behind them, locking them all in the trailer. As soon as it closed and locked, Gust and Blast Fuse zoomed out from behind the trailer, carrying Blast Powder while she carried a bomb. "We're clear, Dan!" BP announced. "On our way to the base's south side, meet you there!" "We'll be there soon!" Dan said into his earpiece. He and Phoenix were already speeding towards the base from the edge of the tree line in the chariot. The six wheels transitioned from the rugged jungle terrain to the soft sand seamlessly as Phoenix shifted gears. He began turning in a wide arc towards the north side of the base to avoid the minefield. "We're almost in range of those turrets!" Phoenix yelled. "I know," Dan said, a determined grin on his face. He watched as the barrels of the gun turrets tracked them. "We got 'em right where we want 'em." Phoenix pulled the chariot's controls, turning sharper as they approached the entrance. The tire tracks from the DeLorean lead right through the base's front gate. "You still haven't told me what you're going to do to distract the guns!" Dan put his hand on the lawyer's shoulder. "Nicky, you know what my motto is when someone's watching you?" "No?" Dan smiled. "Give 'em something to see. Stop here!" The chariot grinder to a halt, sliding across the sand until it stopped right in front of the base. Dan hopped out the back. "Wh-what exactly are you going to show them?" Phoenix asked, concern in his voice. Dan grinned back at him almost maniacally. "Something they'll never forget." He turned his back to the base and unbuckled his pants. Every single turret and surveillance camera was trained on Dan as he deployed his "diversion." In the control tower of the base, multiple feeds of Dan and the chariot were broadcast to monitoring terminals. "General!" one of the technicians called, "Observing some kind of new tactics by the enemy!" "What is it?" Sharp Winter asked, moving over to him. "I can't tell, sir." "Put it on the main screen," the general ordered. The massive screen at the front of the control center shifted to a single image, an image the Enclave would never forget. Every pony in the room stared in abject horror at that sight that was Dan's pale ass as the human bent over and mooned them right in front of their base. "HahaHA!!" Dan laughed and taunted them. "GET AN EYE-FULL, LOSERS! Make a line, you toolbags so you can all get a chance to kiss it!" The ops center was thrown into a panic. "OH MAI GAWD!!" "MY EYES!! MY EYESSSSSSS!!!" "PRESSED HAM WITHOUT THE GLASS!!" "AAAAAHHHH, IT BURNS!!!" "GET THE BLEACH! GET THE BLEACH!" The general screamed. He and the technician ran over to an emergency kit on the wall. It read: Emergency Eye Bleach- Not for use on clothes. The techie ripped open the kit and grabbed the container. He shook it in his hoof. "It's empty!" "Quick! The backup bleach!!" The tech dashed over to the emergency kit right next to it. The label on it read: Emergency Brain Bleach- Not for use on eyes or clothes. He opened it quickly to find the container was also empty. "WE'RE OUTTA BLEEEEEEEEEACH!!!!!!" "OH MAI GAAWWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!" The turrets on the base began to fire at random, blasting into the dirt and sky non-stop. The Enclave ponies guarding the turrets had to dodge and flee for cover as the guns spun and spat fire in all directions. "Hahahaha!" Dan laughed. "Now that's a diversion tactic!" he declared. He keyed his earpiece again. "Derpy! We're ready for you and the Rogue crew. Clear the skies for the bomber; we're heading inside!" "Gotcha, Dan! We're on our way!" "Nicky!" Dan bellowed, still mooning the base, "Get down here and show 'em your tail feathers!" "Yeah, I'll pass on that," Phoenix said, his eyes firmly forward. "Come on!" Dan yelled back. "We've double the coverage, they'll be-" *BABOOMM!!* A turret blast exploded precariously close to the cart. "Dan! They're firing at US now, get in!" Phoenix yelled, starting the chariot again. "GAH!" Dan dove into the back of the chariot, pants down around his ankles. "AAHH! What are you-" "Whoops," Dan said. Landing on his belly in the bed of the chariot, Dan had grabbed the only thing he could reach to secure himself as he fell: Phoenix's pants. He looked up. "Eh, sorry Nicky." Phoenix turned around, the chariot speeding off towards the base. "Did you just pants me?!" Dan had a puzzled look on his face. "Who's the Steel Samurai?" "AAAAHHHHH!!!" "AAAAAAAHH!!!!" Both men screamed, pants down around their ankles as the chariot raced towards the front gate, turret blasts exploding all around them. High above the base, the Enclave high-altitude patrols were too preoccupied with the panic on the ground to notice the blips on the radar coming towards them. By the time they saw them, they had no choice but to engage them head-on. "Hydra-Leader! Incoming contacts, fast and high!" "What?!" Springer yelped, looking up. "It's them- it's Rogue Squadron!" "Engage! Engage!" Flying straight towards the in-excess of three-hundred power armored ponies were the twelve pegasi of Rogue Squadron. They flew in four delta-formations, triangles of three ponies each about to spear the cloud of Enclave ponies. "I'll take lead, the rest of you break by formations and keep it close," Edge ordered. "Almost feel bad for 'em," West commented. "Eh," Edge shrugged, pushing forward. "Almost." Edge Antares flew into the formation of Enclave ponies, barreling just under the first squadron that came at him at the last second. He then engaged all four of his side-mounted laser cannons and blasted the squadron that had been behind them, ripping three vanguard Enclave ponies to shreds in an instant. He then spun around, banked into the remains of the second squadron and blasted the rest of them apart. The Enclavers in their destroyed power armor, exploded and spiraled towards the ground, burning and smoldering. The first Enclave squadron immediately reversed to try to back up their own backup, which had been destroyed before their very eyes. They tried to give chase to Edge but the commander was already coming at them from their other side. He spun around them in a wide arc, blasting into their formation with his lasers. He hit them in their sides and back, causing their jetpacks to explode before they even realized his tactic. Blasted to pieces, they spun out of control back to the surface, smoke trails following them all the way. In a matter of seconds, Edge Antares had taken down twenty-seven Enclave pegasi. "Going a bit easy on them, aren't you, Edge?" West asked. "Kinda wanted to spare them the trouble," Edge replied. "Heh, good point." By "trouble", Edge had been referring to Derpy Hooves. While the rest of Rogue Squadron engaged the remaining Enclave high-altitude forces, Derpy came in low and went for the remaining mid-level patrol ponies. She was a bit slower than the rest of the squadron though, because of what she was carrying. She brushed her hoof along the edge of her mailbox, the only thing she had left after her home was destroyed. Her name on the side shined in the morning sun. She flipped the flag on it up. "You will see more mail one day, my friend. For now, we make a special delivery." The turrets still firing, the Enclave wall defenders were trying to get them under control. Distracted by trying to reposition the guns manually, they only saw Derpy when it was already too late. "Captain!" one pointed. "What the fu-" "Incoming mail!!!" Derpy yelled. Using her mailbox and the post it had originally been attached to as a battle hammer, she smashed the turret to pieces. Before the Enclave ponies could react, she swung the hammer around into each of them. "You don't mess with the postal service!!" "RUN!! RUN!!!" "RAARRHH!!!" Derpy did not have her own laser strike wings like Rogue Squadron; she didn't need them. She tore apart the Enclave ponies on the ground and in midair over the base with her mailbox, the pole it was attached to and her bare hooves. She swung the mail-mallet with amazing precision, smacking ponies into the walls and into the ground. The turrets were reduced to smoldering shrapnel as she brought down the mailbox on top of them. Opening the front hatch, she even caught a pony or two who had attempted to strike back at her and sent them flying in the opposite direction. Soon, they all began to run from her, flying in terror as the gray mare bashed each and every one of them. Springer, Spinner and Hydra Squadron quickly retreated, realizing they were outmatched. They flew back down to the base, hoping to use the base's armored Flutterbirds to throw off Rogue Squadron and repel the attack. That was when they saw Derpy. "What the heck is that?" "I think... that's the mailmare," Spinner remarked. As if on cue, Derpy looked up at the two of them coming towards her. She roared. "DERPY SMASH!!" Springer had time to gasp as the mare leapt up at her with the maillet. The mailbox-head of the hammer smashed into Springer's face with the force of Thor and Mjolnir combined with the Hulk. Her power armored exploded into pieces, her helmet shattered into even smaller pieces and Springer flew somewhere into the distance, spinning all the way. Witnessing this, Spinner raised up her hooves. "WAIT!" Derpy stopped, hammer raised. "Let me just save you the trouble," the green mare said bashfully. She hit a button on her armor and it exploded off of her on its own. She then smiled innocently, already smoldering, and let gravity take her back to the ground. Back on the surface, Dan and Phoenix continued racing towards the base's front entrance, still dodging. But, instead of dodging turret blasts, they began dodging falling Enclave ponies as the defending forces were blasted to bits above them. "Ha!" Dan laughed, finally standing and buckling his pants. He took over driving so Phoenix could fix his own trousers. "Look, Nicky! It's raining assholes I don't like!" The destruction did not end for the Enclave on the ground, however; many of them landed on mines, blowing them up again. Shards of armor and burnt pegasus feathers began to fill the sky. "Yeah, I noticed," Phoenix said. Captain Springer hit the windshield in a smoldering heap. Dan engaged the wipers to brush her off. "Tell Derpy we need the entrance opened." "Got it. Hey, Derpy!!" "GRRRAAAAARRRGGHH!!" Derpy yelled back from overhead, still in Hulk-mode. "Can you get the door for us?" Dan asked. "KAY." The mailmare flew down and tore apart the gate, ripping it off its hinges. Dan and Phoenix drove right in. "Alright, Twilight?" Dan said into his earpiece. "Ready, Dan!" Twilight said, broadcasting from the command center in the Golden Oakes along with Chrys and the others. "We're ready for the MY-Wing now, send her in!" "Got it, Dan! It's on its way!" "Now, for the finisher," Dan said, grinning again. Driving around to the base's south side, the chariot came to a stop in front of Gust and the Blasties. "We ready to go, guys?" Phoenix asked, hopping off the chariot with Dan. "Just... about... there!" Blast Fuse said. "One perimeter breacher, ready to go!" She and her sister announced, holding up a bomb made from several of the Flutterbirds' missiles. Dan smiled. "I love the way you work. Let's get in there and turn this into a real blowout." "Right!" the two said. They hid behind the chariot and set off the bomb, blasting a hole and in fact, knocking down part of the base's outer wall. Beyond it lay the base itself, the energy shield over it dissipating. Just as the group stepped inside, the MY-Wing flew over the head and prepared to drop its payload. "Keep her steady, Reginald!" Tuxley called in the gunner's seat of the star craft. "Absolutely, sir." The t-rex gripped the controls tightly and narrowed his eyes. "Just like my our old Lancaster, isn't it?" "Indubitably, sir, I noticed the similarity." "And I believe, so shall they," Tuxley said, grinning. He peered into the bomb sight. "Here's one for them to savor." A proton bomb released from the MY-Wing's bay. General Sharp Winter and the ponies in the control tower, were just now opening their eyes. They had enough time to look up and see the bomb heading for them before it landed on the side of the tower and exploded. *BOOOM!* BOOOOOOMMMM!!** The bomb exploded twice- once as the main warhead hit and then another time as a dozen smaller bomblets were released and exploded all over the base's outer armor. The control tower, rising up out of the center of the base, was struck by the warhead directly and blasted off at the base. It fell over and collapsed into the base itself, penetrating the walls and ceiling. Smoke and fire rose up from Halberd Base as Derpy, Rogue Squadron and the MY-Wing circled overhead. "I love it when a plan comes together," Dan said, hands on his hips. "Gonna kinda be hard to use the base for ourselves now," Phoenix said, looking at all the destruction. "Ehh. It'll buff out," Dan remarked. Another part of the base exploded at the end of that sentence. "Okay, maybe this time it won't exactly buff out." "What happens now?" Blast Fuse asked. Dan brushed both of his hands off. "Now, I'm going to go do a little meet-and-beat. You guys can take care of things out here," he said, walking towards the ruins of the base. "Why do I get the feeling it's not over?" Blast Powder asked. "Because we still haven't found Daring," Phoenix replied. "Ah." Beneath them, the ground began to shake.